The Adventures of Marty the Meth Addict: At the South Dakota Welcome Center

What's the matter? Never seen a guy do Crystal Meth before. Jesus! BOwowwooonnnanananana.. RRrggg.. Hoof. Anyway, why don't you mind your own business? It's good for the economy. Just like Phil Collins said. Su-su-sudaphed, man. Sales have skyrocketed, Big Pharma is making a killing. They even make you sign for it now at the counter at Rite-Aid. I think it's for a tax refund I'll get in the mail. That's what my friend Ryan told me. Take a look at that VW bus. Fuckin' Deadheads. Well, I'm a Meth-Head-KnowhatImean. He-he-he-he. I made that up myself. Sort of….Remember Ernest? The guy who went to camp? He used to say, "KnowwhatImean?" Well, when I lived in LA, I smoked some rock with a guy that I swear was him. He even had that blue jean vest thing going on and after he took a hit he'd do that 'Eeehhhwwwwww' thing with his jaw. Honest to Ernest. Hey, you got change for a dollar? I'll throw in the blood stain on it for free. No? "Don't stop believing. Don't stop believing." Love fuckin' Journey. I gotta get some sleep this week man. What time is it? Noon? Oh, is this your wife coming here outta the bathroom. Nice! Well, hello, hello, Misses. Mwa, mwa, mwa. Good luck to you two, ye mates. …Enjoy yer stay here in the methampheta-seas of South Dakota…Arrrggg..

Hey there Mister, mind buying me a cup of joe outta the machine over there? It's freaking 12 degrees and I'm wearing jams and a Got Milk? T-shirt. Thanks, I appreciate it. You want me to walk over there with ya. No? Going to make a quick stop behind the brick building here. If you see any Staties pull up, yell out, "Johnny on the Spot!"

(Puff. Puff.) Hot Damn! That was one shock rock. Whoaaa.

Hey man. Yeah you! What's up with that coffee? You're gonna take off on me? Real nice. You come back here right now. No one break coffee treaty with Chief Marty. I'll catch your car with my made-in-America feet. Hi-ya-ya-hi-ya-ya.

That's right biatch, Chief Marty can fly, fly right on the hood your car. How about that coffee now? Ohhh, so you gonna take me for a ride, eh? The ol' turnin on the wipers trick. How about I just grab on to'em, like this, heh? That's right. Hey, look at Marty, he's like an Indian riding with the reigns of his- Ahhhh!!!. Holy shittt!! Oh god. Oh, my back!! My back. It's broke. It's broke. HELP! Will SOMEONE help me up?

Hey RV guy, I just lost my 3rd tooth this month and I'm coughing up blood.. How about a giving me a hand here? Hospital? Ohhh, noooo waayyyyward son... I ain't going to no hospital. Those kooks. The last time I overdosed they told me I needed a new liver and I told them, 'That's why the Lord gives everyone 2 of 'em you stupid bastards!" and stormed outta there. All they're after is my money. I'll be alright. I'll be alright. I'm going to just perch myself near that hibachi pit over there until the snow stops. Can I have a match and the foil from your burger?

OK You Got Me; I've Never Really Seen That Show Me the Money Movie with Jerry McGuire in it.

By Lonnie Durand

The first time I saw her everything went into slow motion. Her name was Tammy and she was the most unique vision of beauty I'd ever seen. She was escorted into my life in the spring of 1996 by my supervisor Rick Danbury, a suave, cocky ladie's man, who I despised, although I didn't have the guts to show it.She began working diagonally from my workbench, and right away, I was entrigued and hanging on her every word. It wasn't everyday that such a beutiful girl came through the doors in this place, and I knew that by the first coffee break word would spread quickly of her, and the competition would soon be moving in. I needed to find my "in" and I needed it quick.She was working with Alice, who had come back from retirement just 2 years ago and now was working as our group leader. Listening in on their small talk I heard Tammy say that she wanted to see a new movie called Jerry McGuire. Bingo,I thought, and I was off, smooth as a hawk.

"Jerry McGuire, that movie was soooo fucking awwwesomme"

She glanced at me with an adorable look of confusion.

"What do you mean? Jerry McGuire doesn't come out until Friday"

"Yeah... well...I got this guy who can get me into movie's that didn't come out yet." Good save, I thought to myself. Stay cool Lonnie, Stay cool.

"Lonnie what are you talking about" spurted out Alice "The man at the movie theatre hasn't let you into a movie in 3 years. Remember he beat you up the last time you tried going to the movies. For dressing up like a lady and yelling at the pictures."

"Really?" Tammy asked.

"Oh yeah, Lonnie got so mad that they won't play that Rocky Road Horror show he likes so much that he said he was gonna stage a protest. He hung up all these flyers around town saying 'Viva la Rocky Road', and then he got all dressed up like a lady and went to the movies, and he was yellin and singin and people were just trying to watch the picture, you know the nice one with the Tom Hanks and the AIDS"

"DAMNIT ALICE IT's THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW" I yelled,"AND I DID SEE JERRY MCGUIRE, I SAW IT YESTERDAY YOU STUPID BITCHES"And with that I knew I put a minor setback on my first impression.

Alice left the room crying, and her oldest son Doug came running over. He grabbed me by my throat, called me a motherfucker and dropped me with one swift punch to the gut.That was the first time I got my ass kicked over Jerry Mcguire. Danbury pulled me off the floor and demoted me to working in the stock cage.Shortly after that, Doug and Tammy began dating.

There was nothing I could do to get closer to her. So I had to stick with what I knew she loved... Jerry McGuire.The fact was, I was banned from the local movie theatre. My driver's license had been suspended indefinately for multiple DUI charges, and it became clear that I would not be able to go to see the movie. So I did what any rational man would do. I spent all my free time drinking Zima and watching The Ricky Lake Show, just to see Jerry McGuire commercials. I knew I had to repair my reputation with Tammy, but now I was getting close...I was beginning to put the pieces together.

"Hey Tammy wait up" I said, following her as she walked past my stock cage on her way to the restroom.

"Hey I saw Jerry McGuire again last night, it was like the 10th time this week, 'Show Me The Money' ha ha ha..Right. I love that."

"Yeah I get it Donny, you like Jerry McGuire, now would you stop following me to the ladies room?"

"Well talk to the hand 'cause the face aint listenin'" I declared. I would not be deturred.
As time rolled by, I saw less and less of Tammy. Months had passed and soon they were no longer airing Mcguire ads. I had been drinking zima pretty heavily, everything was becoming a blur. I longed for the good old days when I was the man of Tammy's dreams. Speaking sweet nothings about her all time favorite movie would wisp her away, and I was the only one she knew who saw Jerry McGuire.I was lonely...desperate even, but not hopeless. I spoke only of Jerry McGuire to my co-workers knowing it would soon bring Tammy running back to me just as sure as the spring would free us from this incessant Winter. Then one day the hammer came crashing down hard.

"So Deniro goe's Show me the money to Jerry Lewis, right because he's his biggest fuckin fan and shit"

"Lonnie I'm not gonna tell you again to keep it down during the meeting". Fucking Danbury, I thought. Always trying to bring me down, but this time he couldn't. I'd been drinking zima all morning and was feeling too damn good. Besides it was just another quarterly meeting where we filed into the atrium and stood around like idiots. Same thing everytime, Ol' Man Caputano spews out the same figures..."1st quarter blah,blah,blah...2nd quarter growth is plummeting blah,blah,blah...3rd quarter comebacks blah,blah,blah...4th quarter projections are telling us Show Me the Money"

Wait, did he just steal my line? Did that motherfucker actually say Show me the money, and to add insult to injury the entire audience exploded with laughter. They know damn well that I'm the guy who says show me the money around here. What was this a conspiracy? Were they all out to get me. Possibly, I pondered, but no. They were all out to get Tammy. They ALL wanted her , and they caught wind that the way to her heart is through Jerry Mcguire.

"You Motherfuckers!" I shouted "You're trying to steal my woman." With that it was on. I pulled the zima I was nursing from under my sweatshirt and broke it over the back of Danburys head.As I made a rush straight for the podium with my broken zima bottle, I pushed Alice flat on her ass. Hopping over her, I noticed Tammy looking at me. I made the same dashing face that I pictured Jerry Mcguire making if he were in this situation and plowed right through old man Henderson. Only 10 more yards to the podium, and I could see security gearing up pretty heavy. Didn't matter, I was ready. What I wasn't ready for was the clothesline right to the windpipe I caught from Alice's son Doug. I hit the floor like a sack of potatoes, and received a barage of kicks to the head,face,chest, and legs. Everybody was in on it. First Doug, then Danbury, old man Henderson, Alice, even Tammy...oh my Tammy, why would she do this to the one she loved.I was taken away in an ambulance to the county's general hospital and released the next day to the custody of the chief of police. I was arrested, fired, and after violating a restraining order Tammy had placed against me, I was arrested again.

When I got out of jail, I was on the streets. Begging for money, I found myself resorting to the only thing I ever knew. Jerry McGuire. I would scream "Show me the Money" to strangers on the street, expecting a warm welcome to such a current reference, but as much time had passed I found that just scared people away. It was only when a case worker at the mission made me realize that I had a problem. I was not an honest man. I had to come clean to the world, as I am right now.So here it goes...My Name is Lonnie Durand, and I've never seen that show me the money movie with Jerry McGuire in it.

Wall Street 2: Pleasant Valley Apple Orchard

Backdrop:
Michael Douglas has retired from Mergers and Aquisitions and moved out to New Jersey where he now runs a small apple picking farm and rents a spare bedroom to Wilfred Brimley who helps him around the orchard. Meanwhile 20 years after Charlie Sheens fathers death and his virtual disapearance from Wall Street, he realizes that the only thing that truly matters is money. He makes a big comeback starts his own firm and now wants to recruit Michael Douglas to be his partner.

Scene 1: Charlie Sheen's limo pulls into Michael Douglas's unpaved driveway where customers are walking away with buckets of apples. Charlie Sheen gets out of the back, and peals off his sunglasses to reveal a bewildered look.

CS: Well I see it but I don't believe it
MD: that will be 6.50 please. out of seven, and 2 shiny Washington's are your change.
Customer: Thank you
MD: No thank you...Come again....and Don't forget pumpkin season's right around the corner.
CS: I see you haven't lost your entreprenaurial spirit. This is quite an operation you've got going.
MD: I like to think so. Did you come here to buy apples or to bust my balls.
CS: Neither. I've got a firm. We're the biggest up and comer since JP Morgan.
MD: So I hear.
CS: We've been on the S&P for only 3 quarters now and we're showing tremendous gains. 9 figure profits, we're the biggest movers and shakers on the street.
MD: Well congratulations pal, now if you'll excuse me I have an orchard to run.
CS: I want to make you a partner.
MD: Not interested.
CS: Look this thing is about to skyrocket, and with you as my partner theres no limit to what we can do.
MD: Not interested.
CS: What happened to you. You used to be a killer.
MD. I found the secret to a better life.
CS: Oh Yeah...What's that?
MD: You want money to grow on trees? Start an apple picking business.

LATER SCENE: Charlie Sheen's persistence has landed him a meeting with Michael Douglas under the terms that the meeting occur while fly fishing at Dawn on Michael's farm.The scene begins with Charlies driver again opening the door to his Limo, Charlie walks over to Michael who is putting the finishing touches on a tire swing he has just installed.

MD: The secret to a good tire swing is, it's all in the knots.A good timber hitch at the top and you run it down into a running bowline. Sturdy knots...sturdy swing.
CS: That's great but I didn't wake up at 4:30 to talk about tireswings, so can we get down to business.
MD: C'mon

Michael leads him down a path to his pond.Charlie carrying his state of the art fishing rod.

CS: I'm prepared to up the anty. I'll give you 1/4 a million in stock per quarter for your first 2 years plus my previous offer of making you partner.
MD: Take your shoes off
CS: I'll even throw in a company penthouse on 5th Avenue.
MD: Look if you want to ruin a perfectly good Armanie suit be my guest pal, but personally, I would roll up those pant legs and get in the water while the kiver are bitin'

Charlie takes off his shoes and socks, rolls up his pantlegs.

CS: Where's your tackle box
MD: I don't have one
CS: Well what do you use for bait
MD: WORMS!!

Charlie puts a worm on his Rod and joins Michael in the water. Michael is using a branch with fishing wire and a worm on a hook which dangles just feet in front of him. Charlie casts his line a good 20 yards into the pond.

CS: Can I ask you something?
MD: Fire away, Buddy.
CS: You're a multi billionare. What the hell are you fishing with a worm on a stick for
MD: If it was good enough for Tom Sawyer, then it's good enough for me.
CS: How do you catch anything with the line just dangling a foot in front of you?
MD: The same way I made money. I let it come to me.
CS: Well how many fish have you caught using that thing?
MD: none
CS: None?!?!
MD: That's right, None.
CS: Well What The Hell Are We Doing Out Here??!
MD: GOD DAMNIT!! YOU JUST SCARED ALL THE FISH AWAY!!!

Camera pans back to show Charlie still in the water with the legs of his Armanie suit rolled up as he watches Michael Douglas storm out of the shallow water he was wading in, carrying his stick.

LATER SCENE:Charlie,Michael, and Wilfred Brimley are sitting around a small campfire on the farm sharing a jug of Carlo Rossi wine.

WB: Did I tell you 'bout that feller that's working at the hardware store. I tell ya'..ha...the goddamn sissy didn't just have hair down to his shoulders, but don't you that son of a bitch had an earring. Somebody oughta give that boy a good ass woopin' I tell ya, and I think I just might be the man for the job.
CS: You and me will make a hell of a team we can have it all. The whole world in our hands
MD: Problem is, I've been there and back. You get the whole world in your hands, but then what? what do you with it? What do you want with it?
WB: I'll pull that earring right out his goddamn ear. I used to kill punks like him 2 ata time back in Korea.
CS: Don't you miss the action? The thrill of the hunt? You were the best.
MD: Ha!
CS: I mean it man the best that wall street ever had. It took more guts to walk into your office the first time I met you than to deliver my fathers eulogy.
MD: Yeah well I'm sorry to hear that
CS: Can't you just see it. There's only so much action in the world, and you gotta grab it while you can. I mean what are you doing out here in the middle of nowhere selling apples to hicks. Youre a Killer Man and you gotta get back in the game. The street needs you...I NEED YOU.
WB: (Fart)