Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Trilogy of Terror

The writers of 3OrangeWhipples present to you The Trilogy of Terror: Crass Cuisine's Halloweenn special, Nuclear Walkman-Man, and the terrifying When You're Here You're Family. Warning...these tails of terror are not for the faint of heart!!!!

Crass Cuisine: Hot Platin' with Jamie Anne's 2007 Halloween Extravaganza‏

"Hey everybody, welcome to a very special episode of Crass Cuisine: Hot Platin' with Jamie Anne, I'm Jamie Anne, and it's officially a Halloween party in the fuckin' kitchen tonight."

Camera pans back to show that the kitchen consists of a hot plate propped up on an ironing board which is running on a generator outside of a Ford Econoline van.

"As you can see I've renovated the kitchen recently. My fuckin' landlord thought he was clever by boarding up the window outside the fire escape, but fuck that, he won the battle I won the war."

A crowd of misfits standing in the yard of the apartment Jamie Anne was just evicted from (and where the van is currently parked) starts cheering. Nobody is wearing a Halloween costume.

"First things first, let me get into my costume and get this party rockin'"

Jamie Anne opens the side door to the van and climbs in past a large pile of clothes scattered through the back. We can see clothes flying out of the van as we can hear Jamie talking over the generator from inside the van.

"What the fuck....Where the fuck...this is fuckin' bullshit...WOOOAAAAWWW...Come here my pretty!!!"

Jamie Anne jumps out of the side door wearing a cheap rubber devil mask with a lit cigarette hanging out of the breathing hole. She holds a bottle of Robitussin above her head as if it were a victory.

"Aint I just a little devil? ok. First I'm gonna show you all how to make Jamie Annes famous party punch. You can use this for your own Halloween party, or whatever really. I mean, fuckin' A, I used to make this all the time when I used to follow ZZtop. I remember one time I thought I could've swore they played their Tejas album in its entirity, but you know what, it turns out I was actually just in my parents basement watching my little brothers band practice. It was fuckin amazing though. And they usually sucked!!"

"So you start with a bottle of Tussin, any tussin will do. You don't have to go gourmet with this shit.This aint the fuckin' Ritz Carlton. You know what, Fuck this costume I can't fuckin breathe (Jamie takes off the mask and throws it).
Now I know that tussin is good enough on its own but it aint a punch if you don't mix it with something. So you get some good whiskey (jamie pulls up a pint of Aristocrat Whiskey) and just mix and shake. Wah-Lah. Oh you know what...lets really jazz this shit up. If you happen to be on Lithium or can score some lithium, I highly recomend you add it to your punch. First make sure your hot plate is still cold and dump 'em out on it. Then you take out your ID and a dollar and give it one,two,three good crunches until it's nice and powdery, and slip it into your pint.And Wah-Lah again."

A naked man comes running frantically out of the woods while screaming "It's the end of the world...the sky is gonna swallow me!!". The man runs straight into the cameraman knocking him over. The camera now holds an angle sideways on the ground of Jamie Anne who is yelling into the crowd in the backyard.

"Ronnie what the fuck did you give Jake? Hey Ronnie...Hey what the fuck is Jake on? ....MESCALINE!!! And what, you weren't gonna share?!?! Thats fucked up man. I just threw a months worth of Lithium into this punch for everybody and your fuckin' Bogartin the mescalline."

"Calm down Jamie baby I was trying to surprise you thats all."

"Fuckin' Ronnie. Your too good to me. Go ahead and start crushing them on the hot plate I gotta get this show moving already."

The camera man straightens out the camera as Ronnie chops up mescalline on the hot plate.

"Look at my little sioux chef over there. Great job Ronnie!! Now, you just dump the mescalline into the pint and WAH-LAH!! Jamie Annes famous party punch. One part whiskey, one part lithium, one part mescalline and one part Robitussin. All part delicious!! Bottoms up."

Jamie takes a large rip from the pint and passes it to Ronnie. "Now I guess I still gotta cook something else for the show. Chicken Cacciatore maybe...fuck that I don't want to eat nothin'."

Jamie then proceeds to vomit on her sandles. She grabs the ironing board to hold herself up but knocks the ironing board and hotplate onto the ground before she falls flat on her back and proceeds to start laughing hysterically. She then jumps to her feet.

"Shhhh. Everybody shut the fuck up!!.......did you hear that?"

(long pause)

"What?"

"I said shut the fuck up. Do you hear that?"

The crowd stands still with a confused look on there faces, as Jamie stands completely still as if in a deep trance for several minutes.

"Oh shit, I'm in the middle of a fuckin' show aint I. You know what this show could use? Some fuckin' Black Sabbath. Does anybody got any Black Sabbath in there car? Hey I'm fucking talking here!"

Jake comes running back into the frame from out of the woods and knocks the camera man over again.

"The sky is gonna swallow me"

"Jake cool out man. Don't you know the sky has already swallowed you man. Yeah man we've all been swallowed by the sky. We always have been."

"Wow Jamie..thats fuckin heavy."

"I know Jake. I know. now be cool. Just be cool. Just be- (suddenly she puts her devil mask back on) ROOAAARR!!!"

Jake screams and runs back into the woods. The camera straightens out while Jamie lights a cigarette through the breathing hole in her devil mask and walks to the camera.

"Thats all for this episode of Crass Cuisine Hot Platin with Jamie Anne. Join me next week and I'll be making chicken cacciatore."

Nuclear Walkman-Man

David Thorne was an MIT student doing an internship at the Northeastern Nuclear Power Research Center during the great radiation leak of 1988. While the alarms blared, and the facility was evacuated, young David sat through the entire incident unaware of the catastrophy he was enduring. He never heard the alarms because he had his walkman on full volume; a mixed tape of Huey Lewis and the News kept him distracted. By the time he made it out of the toxic site he was devoured by radio-active molecules which had permanently fused his DNA with the now SUPER-CHARGED walkman, the batteries of which would NEVER DIE.

David survived the incident and went on to become a world renown scientist, despite the fact that the incident had left him with his walkman permanently fused into his writing hand.The Huey Lewis mix tape blares through the headphones he can never remove from his ears to this very day.Brilliant, resilliant, radioactive, David Thorne IS......Nuclear Walkman-Man!!!

Our hero stands stage right at a commencement speech for the freshman class of 2012 at MIT.The class sits anxiously while waiting to be addressed with a welcome lecture....

"Dude I heard they flew Stephen Hawking in for this speech. How rad is that?" says Carter Mondale to his dorm-mate Jefferson Parish

"No way, Stephen Hawking?" Jefferson replies. Dennis Barron leans in between them from his seat 1 row behind the two freshman and chimes in.

"Dude, thats nothing. This dude named Proffessor Thorne is gonna be speaking today. Turns out that dude was in some nuclear meltdown and has a radioactive walkman stuck to him that won't stop playing. He's supposed to be completely brilliant but he's so fucking crazy from the walkman that he loses his shit at the drop of a pin."

"No way!!" reply Carter and Jefferson

"Dude, I'm telling you." answers Dennis

Just then Susan Hockfiled, the 16th President of MIT made her way to the podium as the crowd errupted into applause.As the applause turns to silence, Susan begins to address her audience.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I welcome you all to MIT." The crowd errupts in applause again, and as before, draws down to silence in the auditorium. "We have a very special guest today who needs no introduction. Mr Stephen Hawking will be sharing his thoughts on physics in the new millenium. But first I would like you to welcome one of our most prestigous proffessor's of nuclear science and engineering, Proffessor David Thorne."

The crowd errupts in applause as Thorne makes his way to center stage, waving his walkman hand at the audience. He gives a warm sincere smile from the right side of his face, the left side is crippled from a migraine headache he's had for over 8 years.The crowd's applause once again gives way to silence, this time the awkward silence of an astonsihed crowd which has just been caught offguard. Thorne only makes the awkward silence worse by attempting to gauge the applause which has already died out. He is unaware that the overflowing music from his headphones are being picked up by the mic and sent over the PA system very faintly.

Don't need money, Don't need fame,
Don't need no credit card to ride on this train
"GOOD MORNING AND CONGRATULATIONS."Thorne yells into the mic causing the audience to jump in there seats. Due to significant hearing loss, and the fact that he has to talk over a blaring walkman, he is unaware that he always yells."CONGRATULATIONS FOR WHAT, RIGHT? I MEAN, HEY, WHY IS THIS GUY CONGRTULATING ME, RIGHT? BECAUSE YOU ARE ALL ON YOUR WAT TO BEING THE NEXT GENERATION OF GREAT MINDS THE WORLD HAS TO OFFER, THAT'S WHY I'M CONGRATULATING YOU. I MEAN IT GUYS. I ONCE SAT OUT THERE, RIGHT WHERE YOU ALL SIT NOW, BEFORE THE SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGHS OF THE LAST 2 DECADES WERE UNCOVERED, AND I KNEW THE POSSIBILITIES OF WHAT AN MIT GRADUATE WOULD CONTRIBUTE TO SCIENCE WERE ENDLESS WAY BACK THEN.I'M TALKING BEFORE THE DNA CODE WAS CRACKED WIDE OPEN, BEFORE CLONING, STEM CELL RESEARCH,BEFORE THE HUBBLE TELESCOPE, BEFORE TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH'S THAT WE NOW TAKE FOR GRANTED LIKE THE INTERNET, WHICH WE ALL KNOW GAVE US ACCESS TO INFORMATION THAT KNOWS NO BOUNDS"
dip-dip-dip-dip they say the heart of rockn'roll is still beating
"AND FROM WHAT I SEEN I BELIEVE 'EM. UMM WAIT A MINUTE! I MEAN I REALLY BELIEVE YOU WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE,SCRATCH THAT I KNOW IT!! I MEAN IT GUYS, I KNOW YOU WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE, BECAUSE I KNOW THE DEDICATION IT TAKES TO JUST GET TO THE SEAT YOUR SITTING IN NOW. IT TAKES A REAL POWER OF LOVE TO GET THERE!!BUT YOUR THERE NOW! AND SOON SOME OF YOU WILL STAND WHERE I STAND NOW!IMAGINE WHAT THE WORLD WILL BE LIKE THEN! WILL THERE BE HUMANS WALKING ON MARS? WILL THERE BE CURES FOR ALL THE HORRIBLE DISEASE? WILL HUMAN BEING'S BE ABLE TO MAXIMIZE THEIR POTENTIAL TO LIVE ON MINIMAL ENERGY NEEDS? WHAT KIND OF ENERGY SOURCES WILL WE LIVE ON? WHERE WILL SCIENCE LEAD US? YOU WILL DECIDE THAT!!YOU MUST UNDERSTAND THAT IT WILL BE UP TO YOU, FOR YOU WILL BE THE LEADING SCIENTIFC MINDS OF TOMOROW."
one that wont make me nervous, wondering what to do
one that makes me feel like i feel when i'm with you
when I'm alone with you
"YEAH I SEE A GUY IN THE 3rd ROW WITH HIS HAND UP, AND I'LL ANSWER HIS QUESTION RIGHT NOW- YES I KNOW I'M SCREAMING OVER A WALKMAN, THANK YOU FOR POINTING THAT OUT FOR ME EINSTEIN! I GUESS I NEVER NOTICED THAT I GOT A GODDAMN WALKMAN FUSED TO MY HAND PLAYING THESE HORRIBLE SONGS FROM HUEY LEWIS AND THE GODDAMN NEWS UNTIL THIS JACKASS IN THE 3rd ROW POINTED IT OUT TO ME!!WELL THANK GOD YOU CAME TO MIT PAL, I'VE BEEN WONDERING WHAT THAT FUCKIN SOUND WAS FOR THE LAST 19 YEARS!!LOOK IT DOESN'T SHUT OFF!! (Thorne starts slamming his walkman hand into the podium in a fit of rage) IT DOESN'T EVER SHUT OFF!!!EVERY DAY WITH THE GODDAMN HUEY LEWIS!!IF I COULD SHOOT WITH MY LEFT HAND I WOULD'VE BLOWN MY BRAINS OUT 16 FUCKIN YEARS AGO!!"

Susan rushes out and takes the mic away from Thorne as a team of security guards and doctors wrestle him to the ground and sedate him.

"Please welcome Stephen Hawking"....

When You're Here. You're Family.

Jeremy was clocking out at the Olive Garden he worked at in Spring City, Utah. It was his first day, and he was relieved to be done his 8 hr. shift. He was anxious to go out and have a few drinks in his parent's basement. As he was heading to the door. His boss, Jeff Warren jumped in front of him. "Where you going there Jeremy?" "Home. My shift just ended." "Well, that it did, but don't you want to stay here and hang out with your new family." Jeremy turned around and saw about 15 Olive Garden employees. The men with their arms folded and the woman with kind of dazed look in their eyes. Jeremy felt the pressure and caved, "Yeah, I can hang out..What are we doing?"



Jeff Warren gasps, "Whew. Well, Jeremy we are going to go hang out at the church out behind the building and talk about God. Come along…"



All the employees followed Warren like ducks in a row. Jeremy felt a rub on his back and turned around. It was a young girl, maybe 15, smiling at him with a confused look in here eye. He looked behind her and saw another guy, Luke, kind of poking her in the back like he was pressuring her to do it…



Once they got in the church, Jeff Warren turned off the lights and turned on this laser light show. The organ started playing Haunted House music and a spotlight showed on Jeff Warren, He was on a rising platform with fireworks shooting out from the sides. It was like a KISS concert..



"Thank you my fellow Olive Garden employees. We here understand that when you're here, your family! Let's proceed with the marriage of Gary Fungumun and Lisa Adams. An Applause sign started blinking behind Jeff Warren and the employees all started clapping. Lisa came out in a wedding gown that Jeremy had seen in the Olive Garden stockroom earlier in the night. She was also young, maybe 16. Gary came out. He had Alfredo sauce on his apron and must have been 5o years old. He had a shit-eating grin and grabbed Lisa's hand and pulled her to the front. The organ started playing "Here Comes the Bride" with an amplifier blaring a loud voice saying, "Yooourre Family Noowww." Jeremy thought to himself. "This is fucking creepy." The spotlight shifted to Jeff Warren who had magically made his way to sea level and was reciting strange passages about arks, Ted Kennedy, the Devil, and Pabst Blue Ribbon. Next thing you know, their married. Gary drags Lisa out of the church and everyone claps!!!



Jeff Warren continues, "Ok. A few announcements. Cheslea was seen outside the Olive Garden parking lot after curfew. Cheslea what were you doing at 10:03 last night?



I was following a deer I saw in the woods. I only was across the street..



"ENOUGH\! Fellow Employees, what should we do to Cheslea for her blasphemous act?"



Someone yells out, "Shave her head!"



The men cheer in agreement.



"Shave her head it is!" Jeff Warren yells.



"The girls and guys pounce on her and drag her to the front of the church. Some old hag woman comes out of nowhere with garden shears and starts chopping her hair off. Chelsea complies and remains still while they spray shaving cream on her head and begin shaving her with a disposable razor. When done, Chelsea returns to her seat with everyone else, her scalp bleeding from the shaving.



"In other announcements, we have a new member of our family, Jeremy Wilton who has come here from the big city of Baton Rouge. Let us Welcome Jeremy."



The spotlight shifts to where Jeremy was sitting but he is not there. A window nearby is open, and the Olive Garden employees rush to look out it. They see Jeremy sprinting away."



Jeff Warren cries "Let's get him. Arm yourselves!"



The Olive Garden employees whip out knives, salad tongs, stale breadsticks, and jars of subpar spaghetti sauce.



Jeremy sprints across the street and sees a huge pasta bowl structure, almost the size of a stadium, Its too big to go around. A door straight ahead is his only chance. He opens the door and a encounters a flight of stairs. He runs down the stairwell. And runs, and runs into the darkness. He feels like he is 1000 feet below the street and is out of breath. All of a sudden a voice comes over an apparently installed PA system.



"Jeremy. Jeremy. This is your boss Jeff Warren. Do not run anymore. Youy are in the endless pasta bowl Jeremy. The only way is down into the depths of hell!" "Please join us. You will have lifelong friends, a wife, or 2 or 3 perhaps, and eternal happiness under my discretion/"



Jeremy retorts, "NEVER!"



He continues down the steps and hears a car to his left. He jumps off the stairwell and falls for what seems like forever into a pit. The pit smells of salad dressing and he finds himself somewhat stuck. "What the fuck? He struggles to swim through the lettuce. "Thank god its that cheap iceberg shit." Finallly, he reaches shore. It's still dark all around him, but he feels he is actually on land. He hears farm animals nearby and races towards them. He emerges from the woods and sees a farmhouse in the distance. He gets to the farmhouse and bangs on the door. An old man answers, "My god son, what happened to you?" "Sir, you gotta help me. The owner of the Olive Garden is trying to kill me!!" "What, that crazy bastard. Ok. I'll call the cops. Go sit down in that room over there and lock yourself in. No telling what that crazy bastard will do…



Jeremy catches his breath and runs into the living room and locks the door."He leans down with his back to the door and opens his eyes. There are thousands of lobsters crawling around. The old man's voice comes over a loudspeaker in the room. "Welcome to Spring City, Utah Jeremy. How would you like to work at our fine Red Lobster?"

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

For a kick-ass week, I recomend Myanmar‏

By Albert Burger

Wow gang, what a vaction!!! My wife Linda and I decided to break up our usual two weeks in Orlando with a week in Central Yangon, and let me tell you, we couldn't have timed it better.

At first I was resistant at the idea of travelling to Myanmar. Linda was really persistant that she needed some culture in her life, and I stood by my argument that the epcot center would give her more culture than she could cram up her wazoo. Plus, we'd still be able to shuttle over to MGM studios to catch the Indiana Jones show, which would give me the adventure fix I was seeking. Ultimately I gave in since we fund all of our travelling on her inheritance from her parents. "My dead parents, my rules",she said.You can't argue with that.

I gotta admit I didn't know what to expect in Myanmar, in fact I never even heard of the place. And when we first arrived on Sept 27th and were told we couldn't even leave the airport because the country was under "martial law", I thought, 'oh my god, next stop snoozeville'. And it only got worse from there.

Linda and I managed to sneak out of the airport OK, and thank god the hotel was only a block away because you can't catch a cab if your life depended on it in that town. So after walking a block while carrying our luggage and dodging tanks in the street, I was ready for some room service and a bud light from the mini-fridge. But get this gang, the room service girl denied me service. She was totally frantic, telling me that we "were in inherent danger" and needed to "take cover". What a drama queen.Strike one for the Myanmar Hilton.

So then I go to the mini-fridge and there was NO BUD LIGHT. All they had was Castle lager, some shitty Lager brewed in South Africa."Fuckin yuppies and there microbrews" I screamed at Linda while slamming the mini-fridge door, "What type of hell-hole did you drag me to?!!"

So I changed into my new Indiana Jones t-shirt I just picked up while we were at MGM, threw on the fanny pack and we hit the town. Thats when things got interesting.

In case you haven't been to Myanmar, and aren't familiar with there customs, I'll break it down for you. MONKS GONE WILD. It's even rowdier than a Jimmy Buffet concert. I mean these monks know how to have a good time.

They were outside breaking windows, throwing rocks, fighting, there were shots fired into the crowd. I mean it was awesome. What a sight.

So I says to Linda "Hey Linda go stand next to that guy thats on fire I wanna get a picture of you." And she did but the guy kept moving and it wouldn't come out right. I told him to stand still but he was just yelling and screaming. Not listening really. So then I walk up to this cop in riot gear and ask him "hey buddy you know where I can get a Bud Light around here? All they got is this imported shit around here. Fuckin Yuppies and there microbrews right? Hell I'm so desperate I'll even drink a Miller Lite right now." Turns out the cop didn't speak a word of English. Can you imagine that? In this day and age.

So the good news was the riots continued the whole week we were there. In my opinion it was like a cross between Indiana Jones and Mardi Gras. So in the end my wife got her share of culture and I got my adventure fix, so it was a win-win.

Definately can't wait til next years Yangon Autumn riot festival. I'll be there -front row!!!

Your Pals,
Al and Linda Burger