Monday, November 19, 2007

Penpal Letters From C. Everett Koop

In 1986 I was a 4th grader attending John F. Kennedy Elementary School in Blackstone MA. Our teacher had assigned us the task of writing a letter to any member of the U.S. government. Most kids wrote to President Reagan, but I wrote my letter to Surgeon General C. Everett Koop. In response to my only letter I received a letter from the Surgeon General at least twice a month for the next 21 years. I have decided to publish the one sided correspondence in a segment I call:

PENPAL LETTERS FROM C. EVERETT KOOP

November 24, 1986

Dear Jeremy,

Well buddy it's Thanksgiving day and am I ever fucked! Fuckin high school football games! It's my only vice (besides chasing Korean poontang). So I drop 3 grand by 11 o'clock this morning, you know which wouldn't be so bad in itself, but if I don't get that cash back in the bank before my wife mails out the mortgage check, I'm gonna be in the dog house until they cancel Hill Street Blues.

I just dont need this shit this month. I've really been on a tear. I was at a conference in Cincinatti last week, and I run into Lee Iakoka in the hotel lounge. Fuckin prick that guy. So he's sittin there at the bar and I sit down about 3 stools over and order a scotch.Then Iakoka lights up a camel. So I walk over to him and I say "Hey...I'm C. Everett Koop", and he goes "Yeah I know." So I says "then put your fuckin cigarette out, you should know better." He tells me to take a hike. So I respond by picking up an ashtray and smacking him in the ear with it. The ashtray cracks in 2 and Iakoka starts crying like a teenage runaway's first night in the whorehouse. To make a long story short, the bartender calls 911 and I drop $2,800 bribing the Cincinatti PD.

And I put a call in for a little "company" for after the nights festivities. So I get up to the room a little late, and Mai Ling is charging me for the 3 hours that she was waiting.The whole thing was a bust anyway because I was steering the ship but my sails weren't a-hoisting if you catch my drift. Plus she stole my wallet and robbed the mini-bar.Never take your eyes off an Asian broad ,Jeremy, thats the first thing they teach you in the Navy.

So I've been pulling in a little on the side betting on the high school games. you know,the local boys are 7-2, so I figure it's a fuckin lock. I put $500.00 down and the boys are really pulling through. I'm out there in the bleachers drinking some Wild Turkey (it is Thanksgiving, so I was keeping with the spirit), and anyways I start feeling good. Real good. That's when I notice my buddy McCalister, (he's an ex-army colonel and works at the deli- he's a hot shit). Well he's down $800, and asks me for a spot. So I challenge him to an Army Navy wrestling match, winner takes all. So we go behind the bleachers and I give him a TOTAL PUMMELLING. It was a fine thanksgiving workout if I've ever seen one. I didn't have the heart to take his money seeing as how the man was a WWII vet, so I spot him $2,500... and wouldn't you know it, the local boys lose it 28-10. Fuck it. Right Jeremy?

So anyways I got the whole family and the grandkids running around the house today, making noise, pissing me off. I just had to sneak off and pull up a table and write to my best buddy Jeremy. After all, with a good pal at my side like you it doesn't matter how much trouble I get in at home anyway. Happy thanksgiving buddy.

Your Pal,

Cool Everett Koop

P.S. I met Tony Danza in Cincinatti. I got his autograph for you.

(enclosed with the letter was a losing scratch ticket with some scribbled writing on the back, which was apparantly Tony Danza's autograph)

Thursday, November 15, 2007

When I was your Age (Part I)

By Dad


So, what the fuck is wrong with you kids these days? Now, the new craze is energy drinks. First it started with Red Bull. That was a pretty cool alternative, for what do you call them, oh yeah, PUSSIES! Now, they have Spike Shooter being banned from high schools. What a bunch of sissies! Kids can't even handle a fucking can of this shit. When I was your age, we started with Vivarin. We fucking popped 6 or 7 of those badboys and had jitters for two days. Hell, I even took some before I played North Providence. I completed 70% of my passes because of that shit. But that was just the beginning, then we got creative. We started drinking Robitussin. Yeah, that stuff mom gives you when you're whining about having a cough. You get knocked out from two tablespoonfuls, right? Well, what we used to do drink half the fuckin bottle. Yeah, sure it was nasty but it beat looking for a bum to buy us beer and was the cheapest hallucinogenic out there. Right there at your local CVS, 7-11. Anywhere, 24hrs a day, you could get this shit, just like at the store around the corner next to your bus stop. Then they started coming out with like 12 different kinds, Night-time, Cough, Cough and Cold, Cold, etcetera, etcetera. Well, the secret is in the DM, baby. You gotta make sure it's on the back, otherwise it won't work. Go with the name brand shit because that Wal-Tussin crap will make you sick. CVS ain't bad. In fact, that's where it all started. Aisle 15b-Cough and Cold. Oh, the good ole days. Anyway, you stay away from that stuff now, you hear me? And stay away from these energy drinks too. Because if they say it's bad, then it probably is. Ok, buddy? Good talk, pal. Now, the babysitter should be here soon. Mom and I will be out until around 11. Probably gonna score some coke and have sex in that motel down the street after we get some dinner. But, you be in bed and behave, ok? And stay out of our bathroom's medicine cabinet, especially that Tussin stuff. Alright. There's the doorbell, now go get changed. Ok, buddy…

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Rock Stars needed; NO YOKO'S

By Jake J. Pachomski


I am gonna start a band. That's right. I'm gonna play lead guitar and we are gonna rock! Rock is here to stay, baby! All I need is a drummer, rhythm guitarist, and a lead singer. Oh, yeah, and a bassist. We will be called Hot Cross Buns. I already made the T-Shirts with the band emblem on it. It's a picture of a railroad sign near my house. You know, with the yellow X on it? Except, that I put a Betty Boop sticker on the sign with her showing off her ass! How rad is that?



I already got the practice space geared up. My mom's ex-boyfriend Keith lives in this motel that was converted into apartments. He said the room next door was condemned,so last week him and I got plastered on some JD and took a sledgehammer and busted a hole through his kitchen into it. It was pretty nasty in there, but I cleaned it up pretty good. I got rid of all the syringes and milk cartons. I laid some plywood down and ran the electrical through Keith's bathroom through the hole. I figured it's got a ground fault on it for hair dryers, so at least we got some protection once we CRANK IT UP!



Lighting has been a problem. So, I rigged the place with some Coleman Propane lanterns from Walmart though, so we should be good at least 12 hours of nighttime shredding. Let's burn the Midnight Propane, baby!



Keith said I got a toss a nickel bag his way every once in a while to cover the electricity and deal with the complaints he's gonna get from the other tenants. I said no problemo, amigo. He also agreed to manage us once our band gets going just as long as it doesn't interfere with his shift as 7-11..He's good with numbers, I mean he pays his bills on time, he's a cashier and of course, he could always tell my mom how many beers she had to drink before punches were exchanged.



So, I'm pretty much ready to rock. I put out some flyers at the liquor store and various bulletin boards throughout Milfurd. I did that cut up and pull off the bottom of the paper with the number attached action and it has my cell number on it, so people don't even got it write it down. Whoever came up with that rocks!



I been writing some songs, I have about 30 of them almost half done, and one completely done except for the drum solo. One is a Tesla meets Danzig meets Type O Negative, called Vampire Woman, Kiss Me Where the Moon Don't Shine. It's got this bad ass opening riff, like wah-woo-wah-woo-wah-woo-wah-wah-woo..It's fucking mint.



I got another one that's kind of a country-blues tune called, Cash in your Chips, and Swing your Hips. It's got some steel guitar action in the beginning with some foot-stomping beat. I had Keith clapping some irons together and hitting the mouth of some Bud bottles with pencils so I could keep rhythm. I laid that one down on my boom box. I am trying to make it into a ringtone, but I'm not too technical savvy. That'll be our band webmasters job!



Well, that's it for now. I'm just waiting for the phone to ring and start auditions…I'll keep you updated. Rock On!