Saturday, December 6, 2008

2 Men and a Guttenberg

1990 Beverly Hills California -

Tom Sellick takes the stage with Ted Danson at the wrap party for 3 Men and a Little Lady...

Sellick stands at the podium and begins giving a speech while Steve Guttenberg is busy putting the moves on a clearly disinterested middle aged waittress.

"Come on Baby I gotta room at the plaza...oh shit, they're starting without me again." Guttenberg says as he throws his room key at the waitresses feet, lunges through the crowd and slides onto the stage.

"Ladies and Gentlemen," Sellick states over the microphone which is suddenly yanked hard to the left.

"And LITTLE LADIES, we should add." Guttenberg adds as he gives his trademarked devilish grin while leaning over the podium.

Ted Danson calmly pulls Guttenberg away from the mic.

"Come on Steve. That's enough now." He says to Guttenberg.

"Thanks Ted." Sellick continues. "Look we just wanted to say that if audiences enjoy watching this movie as much as we enjoyed making this movie with all of you, then we got a real smash on our hands."

Ted Danson stepped to the podium, raising his Champagne Flute.

"TO 3 MEN AND A LITTLE LADY!!" He toasted.

The crowd joined him and the jazz combo began playing their next set as Danson and Sellick walked off the stage together.

"And if I could just add- Here's to the NEXT 3 MEN AND A BABY movie, It's gonna be the biggest thing since the Cosby show!! Look out Summer of 91, cause Guttenberg and the gang are gunnin' for ya!! LET'S HERE IT FOR THE BOYS!!" Guttenberg added while raising Danson's empty champagne flute in the air, although nobody listened. The Jazz band didn't even stop playing.

Outside at the Valet station, Sellick and Danson stood with their wives and said there goodbyes, while hoping to get away quickly.

"Hey there you guys are!!" Says Guttenberg who seemed to appear out of nowhere and completely out of breath."So listen guys..(huff-huff) first of all if that waitress Sheila comes out here tell her I'm not here,...(huff-huff) that dude Kevin tending bar says he knows these stuardesses that'll party with us and they're WAY HOTTER!! But fuck it, I just wanted to say...NEXT YEAR....THE NEXT MOVIE."

Sellick cuts Guttenberg off

"Look Steve, I've been talking to Ted and I think we're in agreement. No more movies."

"What??!!"

"Yeah, look Tom's right. We had a good run Steve." Adds Danson as his ride pulls up. The Valet pulled up Sellicks car at the same time.

"It's the golden rule of Showbiz Steve. You gotta quit while your on top. Take care of yourself Steve. Hey Ted, gimme a call." Sellick adds and the 2 men drove away leaving Steve Guttenberg completely alone.

"Ted, what do you mean no more movies?" Guttenberg yelled out to the passing traffic that his co-stars were among as he stood utterly alone....



2008 Riverside California -

Tom Sellick enters the Ramada Inn's 70 seat video conference center and is greeted by Ted Danson.

"Hey Tom, you look GREAT. Congratulations buddy, WOW, the AFI. I was so happy when I heard they were honoring you."Danson says

"Hey thanks alot Ted, it's great to see you buddy.You know I kind of felt like a ham coming to something like this. I mean usually with the AFI you'd expect maybe a Pacino or a Spielberg but hey,what can I say. I guess I made some smart moves afterall."

"Aww don't sell yourself short Tom, you deserve it."

"Thanks Ted I appreciate it. I wonder why they chose Riverside?"

"Yeah. Yeah I was just wondering that myself. You know I don't mean to rain on your sunny day, but this isn't the most glamourous setup for an AFI event. No open bar- in fact I asked for a glass of Dom and they gave me a plastic cup of Carlo Rossi. I complained to the manager and the guys said shut your stink hole Becker that's Paisano...'the good stuff!!"

"You know what's odd. These people here, the guests...I don't recognize any of them. I mean sure there are some actors here, but nobody good. I mean theres that guy over there blocking the exits...wait. Didn't he play Tackleberry?"

The 2 men suddenly had an intense look on their face as they realized what was going on.

"GUTTENBERG!!" They both yelled while dropping their cups of Carlo Rossi Paisano on the floor and scattering in different directions.

Just then Steve Guttenberg entered from the door at the back of the stage with an 80's boom box on his shoulder blaring the song "Lets Hear it For the Boys". He pulled down the banner that read AFI HONORS TOM SELLICK to reveal another banner that read 3 Men and a Granddaughter.

When Guttenberg saw Danson and Sellick attempting to make a getaway he yelled out "STOP THEM"

Suddenly Kevin the bartender jumped from behind the bar and smacked Tom Sellick with a half empty jug of Carlo Rossi square in the temple, knocking him to the ground, while Wilford Brimley planted his fat ass on Sellicks back pinning him to the ground.

"You fuck with one Cocoon castmember you fuck with all of us...at least all the ones that are still alive that is." Wilford declared before farting on Sellick's back.

Danson made a bolt for the East exit, plowed through Tackleberry and suddenly found himself being chased through the Ramada's hallway by Guttenberg who was still carrying the Boom Box, the mixed tape now moving on to Hootie and the Blowfish's mid '90s hit "I only wanna be with you".

As Danson made his way into the lobby he was suddenly stunned by what appeared to be the sound of a UFO about to land in the lobby.

"What is that? A goddamn spaceship?"

But no, it was Michael Winslow the human sound effect machine doing a UFO impression from behind a plant in the lobby.

Danson was tackled and held down by Guttenberg.

"Get the fuck off me Guttenberg!!"Danson demanded

"I don't want to hurt you Ted. I just want to talk to you."

"Yeah well you can FORGET IT. I AINT MAKING A 3MEN AND a BABY MOVIE!! Damnit you do this to us every year!! And every year the idea's stink!!"

"Ted,Ted,Ted just listen. It's 2008, We havent' seen each other since 1994, we're all bachelors except Tom's character, and now it's Mary's college graduation, so we all have to meet up. We find out she's pregnant so we find the boyfriend and beat the shit out of him."

"Jesus Guttenberg, that's shit!! It doesn't even make sense." Danson pleads while still being held to the floor of the lobby.

"Yeah but it's edgey. Like P.S. Your Cat is Dead. I did that Indy and we can do this indy. But it'll be a SMASH Ted, it'll be a smash!!"

"Your fuckin crazy Guttenberg do you know that."

"Ted....Tedddy....Come on, let's make the movie Ted. People want it."

Suddenly Guttenberg caught Sellick's patten leather shoe to the back of the head, knocking him over. Sellick managed to break free when Wilford Brimley had fallen asleep while sitting on his back and was now out to rescue his former co-star.

He pulled Danson to his feet and made a break for the Ramada parking lot. This time the 2 men made no attempts at a goodbye, they simply drove off.

As Danson pulled out of the parking lot Guttenberg jumped on the hood of his Lexis.

"Ted just think about it." He yelled as Danson turned the wipers on. " It'll be a cross between Casablanca and P.S. Your Cat is Dead, I PROMISE YOU...WOOOOOAAAWW"

Guttenberg was laid out in the middle of the busy downtown Riverside streets. He picked himself up and dusted himself off while ignoring the honking horns of annoyed drivers as he watched Danson drive off in his Lexis.

Suddenly there was a hand on Guttenberg's shoulder. He turned to find Tackleberry standing next to him.


"We'll get 'em next time Steve. Next time."