Billy vs. Philly‏

I hear it everyday. Phil Collins could kick Billy Joels ass. Nuh-Uh, Billy would TOTALLY kick Philly's ass.Fuck you, don't call him Philly.

And this was supposed to be a proffessional environment...

I work in the sales office for a regional Marketing firm called Nichols and Barnes. It's a small firm, and theres only 2 other salesman in the office.

Problem is, is that these two idiots I share the office with drive me nuts. Gordon Nichols and Noelle Barnes. Both the nephews of founding partners. On one hand I got it made.I mean these two jackasses couldn't sell a wetnap at a peepshow convention, nevermind compete with my sales record. On the other hand I gotta listen to them flap their gums all day about Phil Collins and Billy Joel.

So I get into the office about 10 this morning, I'm tired, hungover and I'm ready for the weekend. In other words, I'm in no mood for bullshit. But what do I walk into???

Nichols has Barnes in a headlock, 'The Piano Man' is cranking in the background, phones are ringing off the hook which nobody was answering. I lost it.

"CUT THE SHIT BOTH OF YOU AND GET ON THOSE PHONES NOW!!" I yelled.

They broke it up, turned the music down and got to work.Things stayed quiet for about 20 minutes. Then Sususudio came on one of Nichols internet radio stations.

"Hey Noelle did you know that the horn section from Earth,Wind and Fire played on this tune."

"Big fuckin deal!! It's not like SuSudio was the theme song from Bosom Buddies."

"Please. Bosom Buddies sucked."

"Nuh-uh Bosom Buddies ROCKED!! And the theme song TOTALLY made the show classic. Tell him Bosom Buddies rocked."

"I told you both to shut the fuck up and get back to work." I replied, but it was too late. There comes a point where all you can do is sit back and let them go at it.

"Phil Collins is a shitty piano player."

"A) that's bullshit and B) at least he could play more than one insrtument. I don't hear Billy Joel playing the drums."

"No you don't, and you know what else you won't hear? Phil Collins playing the drums FOR Billy Joel. You know why? Because Billy Joel only plays with the BEST. And Phil Collins can't shake a stick at Liberty Devitto."

"I'm Sorry...WHO?"

"Liberty Devitto. Long time drummer for Billy Joel and certified ROCK GOD!!"

"Yeah well he can keep Liberty Devitto because Phil don't need to waste his time backing up Billy Joel."

"Yeah keep telling yourself that. The FACT is Philly wished he could play for Billy."

"Fuck you don't call him Philly."

"What do you think that song Billy don't you lose my number was about? Philly wanted to play in Billy's band SOOOO BAD. But guessed what happened? Billy lost Philly's number...on purpose."

"You know what your problem is Gordon? You got no class. You don't call an ar-teest like Phil Collins, Philly. He's not some Jersey Jerk-Off like you and all the other Billy Joel fans in the world. Billy Joel fans respect nothing. You don't hear me calling him Bill Joel do ya? Like, man I hope Bill Joel doesn't play too long tonight, seeing as I'm really only here to see Elton John. You know what that is? You know what that is? That's my impression of every single person who's been to a Bill Joel concert in the past 10 years."

"Typical Philly Collins fan. Gotta drag Elton John into the argument."

"Hey Elton John's gotta drag Bill Joel around his tour schedule, why shouldn't I drag Elton John into this argument."

"Hey they're fellow Troubadors, man. Theres a respect for the songwriter. They defined the singer songwriter genre in the '70's while Philly Collins was drumming in a poor mans prog-rock band that nobody gave a shit about."

"Shut up you don't know anything about early Genesis."

"You know what I do know about? Getting laid before the age of 31. But go on tell me about all that early Genesis. I'm intrigued."

"What do you wanna go?"

"Don't threaten me Noelle!! I'll take you down!! I'll take you down to Allentown!!"

"Please, you hit like an uptown girl."

"I'll kick your ass just like Billy would kick Philly's ass."

"You're dreaming pal. Bill Joel could not kick Phil Collins ass. That's a fact."

"Are you high? Billy Joel took fuckin boxing lessons you dumb shit. He's the Tony Danza of Rock n' Roll. A tough, take no shit, New Yorker with the golden gloves to back it up."

"Oh COME ON. We're talking about Phil the Shill here, the baddest coke dealer to ever grace Miami Vice."

"Big deal he was just acting. And even then he got taken down by Don Johnson. You think Don Johnson could take down Bill Joel,...I mean BILLY JOEL?!? No Chance!!"

"Of course he couldn't because Bill Joel would never be cast on Miami Vice. The only acting gig Bill Joel would get would be playing a guy who spent his life getting fired from sub shops."

"Billy aint got time for that shit. He's too busy being a REAL musician, and being inducted into the Long Island Music Hall of Fame. Can you say that about Philly, HMMM?? Is Philly in the Long Island Music Hall of Fame??"

"Seriously?!?! The Long Island Music Hall of Fame huh. That's impressive. Tell me something, exactly what floor of Bill Joel's old high school is the Long Island Music Hall of Fame located on?"

"You can talk all the shit you want, but you know Billy would kick Philly's ass."

"And just how would he do that? By driving through the side of Phil's house?"

"I'm sorry you can't handle the truth, but it's a fact, New Yorkers are tougher than the British. Billy would smack the tea and scrumpets out of Phillys mouth."

"Nuh-uh. Drummers are the toughest people in the world. It's a scientific fact."

As I left the room to go to lunch Nichols had Barnes back in a headlock. I vaguley heard him utter the phrase "Take a look at me now, Bitch."

I really gotta get another job...

Thats All

When I was 28 years old, my old man gave me an ultimatum; quit the band and get a real job or he was cuttin' off the funds.

So I sold out. Throughout my career in corporate America I have had to live with that decision. It's eaten at me the whole time. You see, you can take the rock out of the rocker, but you can't take the rocker out the rock. No, wait. It's the other way around.

So at age 28 I took my first legit gig at the KFC on Garfield Ave. The year was '84. Summer of love,man. Let me tell you I've done pretty good for myself here. I'm clearing almost 8 bucks an hour now.

So last night I clock in about an hour early. you see I havent slept in 4 days and I wasn't really doing anything good anyways, so I figured I'd just start rockin the drive thru. Right off the bat my manager, this little prick name Kevin is telling me that I'm not gonna get paid for the hour because I wasn't on the schedule. I responded by kindly telling him to suck my ass. So he made me take out the garbage.

Taking out the garbage I don't mind, because while I'm out by the dumpster I'll smoke a few butts,maybe take a hit from my 1 hitter, do a few shots of JD and maybe hit on some bitches that walk by. So it works out well.

So I'm only out there for about 40 minutes and the little fucker comes out and tells me to get back to work. I head back in like 20 minutes later and then he's all up in my shit. Totally bogus. I was like 'look man, I've worked here since before you were born, I've seen over 300 managers come and go in the 24 years I've worked here and I aint taken shit from none of them and I aint starting now. Now if you'll excuse me I got a mens room to mop'.

I dig it in the mens room almost as much as near the dumpster because theres a speaker from the radio in there and I can ROCK THE FUCK OUT!! And sometimes you meet some real bitchin' dudes in there, man. This one time back in '94 a kid came in there on a Friday night and sold me some acid. I worked the drive thru that night, and the voices on the headset TOTALLY blew my mind.

So I head into the men's room, and I get to thinking. What am I doing. I used to be in a band. I was destined to be a rock star, not take orders from some 19 year old suit. And that's when it happened...the song That's all from Phil Collins era Genesis came on the radio like some sort of fuckin devine intervention.

The lyrics kicked in and I was really feelin it...

Just as I thought it was going alright,
I found out I'm wrong when I thought I was right,
It's always the same, it's just a shame, and that's all

I became overwhelmed. I kicked over the pale and punched the air dryer, leaving a FIERCE dent in its side. I wasn't taking no more shit from managers like Kevin or anyone else from then on.

I kicked the door open storming over to Kevin and started singing the song with TOTAL conviction right in front of everyone...

HOW COME IT ALWAYS SEEMS TO BE
I'M LOOKIN' AT YOU, YOU'RE A LOOKIN' AT ME
IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME IT'S JUST A SHAME
AND THAT'S ALL

Before Kevin got the glory of firing me, I announced to the whole restaurant that he could shove this job up his chicken frying ass!! And then I added...

TURNING ME ON, TURNIN ME OFF
MAKING ME FEEL LIKE I WANT TOO MUCH
LIVIN WITH YOU'S JUST PUT A ME THROUGH IT
ALL OF THE TIME

As I made my way to the door there was not just a shift in the tempo of the song on the radio, but also a change in tempo in my heart, as I realized that I'd be walking away from my life at KFC. I realized then that I love my job. I love the dumpster, the drive thru, the bitches, I mean fuckin' A I even love the chicken!! I turned back to Kevin and pleaded with him to wait. I then added....

TRUTH IS I LOVE YOU
MORE THAN I WANTED TO
THERES NO POINTING IN TRYING
TO PRETEND...
THERES BEEN NOONE WHO
MAKES ME FEEL LIKE YOU DO
SAY WE'LL BE TOGETHER
TIL THE END

Kevin agreed that I could stay and it was all water under the bridge. I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I gave him a hug. He said it was OK, and I went back to the mens room to clean the mess I made.

While in the mens room, it hit me of what a fool Kevin made of me. Who was he to tell me to clean this mess. I'm old enough to be his father, so he should be cleaning the mess. Suddenly 24 years of taking orders from the suits came back in harsh anger, and DAMNIT, I wasn't gonna take it anymore.

As the tempo had kicked up for it's final verse, I kicked the door right off it's hinges and marched back to Kevin while singing EVEN LOUDER this time...

HOW COME IT ALWAYS SEEMS TO BE
I'M LOOKIN AT YOU, YOURE A LOOKIN AT ME
IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME IT'S JUST A SHAME
AND THAT'S ALL...
THAT'S ALL...

I punched Kevin in the face and made my grand exit as the guitar solo that leads out this Phil Collins gem carried me off to glory.

Now I'm a free man. No more KFC, no more suits. I'm retired.

THAT'S ALL...

2055: The Genesis of the Early Prog Party

The year is 2055, the place is Birmingham, England.

An elderly woman and her grandson are in the attic of a house looking through an old chest.

"Grandma, what's this?"

"Well, let me see here. That looks like a portable DVD player."

"Wow!! Do you think it works?"

"Let's go downstairs and have a look."

They walk down the attic stairs and plug it in.

"Wonder what DVD is in here." says the old woman "Go ahead and hit the eject button Davie."

Davie pushes the eject button and out comes a DVD labeled PHILLIP FOR PM.

"Oh my God!" Grandma says with an elated gasp.

"What Grandma, what?"

"This is your Great-Grandfather's DVD before he became Prime Minister of England. It is looked upon as one of the greatest political moments since Winston Chruchill spoke during World War II."

"Cool! Let's watch it!"

They crowd around the DVD player and turn the volume way up. On the screen a short, bald man full of passion, takes the podium and prepares to address a massive crowd in front of the British Parliament building.

"Is that him?"

"Yes, Davie, that is your Great-grandfather Philip."

"Ladies and Gentleman. Today is election day. So, I ask you, my fellow countrymen, to give me one more night, give me just one more night.Cause I can't wait forever. I know there'll never be a time you'll ever feel the same."

(Applause from thousands in downtown London)

"And I know it's only words. But, if you change your mind, you know that I'll be here. And maybe we both can learn."

" I know many of you reporters, and my opponent Mr. Gabriel, have been bad mouthing me during this campaign. And all I can say is that, Well you can tell everyone I'm a down disgrace, and drag my name all over the place. I don't care anymore. "

Philip pumps his fist in the air and the crowd responds with a passionate nationalism not seen since Germany in the late 1930s.

"What's important is that we all see that there's too many men, too many people, making too many problems, and not much love to go 'round. Cant you see? This is a land of confusion. Take Poverty for example. Now, poverty is an issue in the world. And on that topic, I'd like to tell you a story. It's about a lady. She calls out to the man on the street, 'Sir, can you help me? It's cold and I've nowhere to sleep. Is there somewhere you can tell me?' He walks on, doesn't look back, he pretends he can't hear her. He starts to whistle as he crosses the street, seems embarassed to be there.'"

The crowd responds with sympathy.

"This is not the Britain I know. The Britain I know would think twice. Some would say it's just another day for you and me in paradise. But I WOULD NOT!! Just think about it."

"Now, my opponent, he refuses to believe it. He will run this country into the ground. And I say to him, 'I have seen it before my friend. And I saw it with my own two eyes. So I say to him, you can wipe off that grin, I know where you've been, It's all been a pack of lies!"

The crowd erupts with cheers and starts chanting Philip! Philip!

"On a lighter, more personal note, I know some of you are asking if I am elected, then who will the first lady be? Well,. There's this girl that's been on my mind all the time, Now she don't even know my name. But I think she likes me just the same. She is wonderful She has a built in ability to take everything she sees. And now it seems Im falling, falling for her. " he says shyly.

The crowd collectively awws and a single voice with a heavy British accent yells 'Congratulations' from within the crowd. Philip lifts his head back up and the passion returns to his eyes.

"I know victory is on the horizon for this campaign. I can feel it. I can feel it coming in the air tonight."

The screen goes blank.

"Wow, Grandma. I didn't know he was so great."

"A great man he was."

"Can I go play outside Grandma?"

"Sure, Davie, sure."

Davie stops at the coat rack and turns around and says to his Grandma, "Should I put on my parka?"

Grandma rises from her chair, takes off her glasses,places her hand in front of her heart and says,

"Davie, this is your Great-Grandfather's country. And as he always said, 'No Jacket Required.'"

The End.