Tuesday, July 22, 2008

LOL means Lots of Laugh

By Cody Hardhead



47 years ago, I thought, "WTF? What's with this LOL thing? IMHO it shouldn't mean Laugh out Loud. I've seen plenty of people read their email and they don't really laugh out loud. So, when your BFF emails you and say that they LOL, then they're lying to you. So, they're really not your BFF are they?NO! In fact, they're just some fucking liar. Now, there have been occasions when I wrote LOL and I really did laugh out loud. Honest to God, but, most of the time I didn't. And I am here to tell you that I am sorry. I am sorry I lied. I am sorry that I may have made you think you were funnier than you really were. I am just sorry."



But the truth was, I wasn't sorry. I was deceived.And so was everybody else in those days. It had occured to me that perhaps this was a higher calling.Devine intervention if you will. And my calling was to promote a more, truthful LOL. I figured on Lots of Laugh. I mean, that way, just a smile, chuckle or even internal laugh should cover it. This way we can all be honest with one another and still retain the easy texting of L-O-L. I thought about doing Lottsa Laugh, but then it'd be LL. Which can be construed as little league, and therefore wouldn't make sense.So, Lots of Laugh it is. So many conspiracies and mistruths have whizzed through history, but this was not going to be another one. I had been chosen by a higher power to do this.

After I decided I had been chosen by a higher power for this adventure, I called my work and said I wanted to take a last minute vacation. My boss agreed. But how would I spread the word? Well, there's no better way than door to door. I started at the end of my street, at Mr. and Mrs. Walsh's house. Their 16-year old son answered. I asked him, "Do you know what LOL means?" He's like, "Yeah dude. It means Laugh Out Loud." I put my arm on his shoulder and said, "Look man, that's what the government wants you to think But how many times did you really ever Laugh Out Loud?" He said, "Now that you mention it, not that much." He seemed puzzled, lied to, deceived. I took him under my wing and explained the truth and lies about society and about my ideology of Lots of Laugh..

I went door to door relentlessly for 2 weeks straight. The newspaper caught wind of my journey. The news was covering it and my word was spreading like wildfire. My group had grown to 2,156 strong. We renovated an old textile mill in the woods, made it our headquarters and formed an esoteric group called the Lots of Laugh Crusaders. We pledged that through blood, sweat, and tears, we would convert everyone to our belief in Lots Of Laugh.

Everyone referred to me as LOLiPOP. I had them all under my wings, my spell. And we were becoming too big, too strong, too fast. The levee finally broke when I heard through my LOL brethren that 4 of the LOL Crusaders had burned an Apple store because the employees there refused to convert to our version of LOL. . 2 employees were dead and one escaped and sent a picture of the conspiring LOL crusaders to the police on his iPhone. But t he fire had spread throughout downtown. Our city was on fire and ripe for destiny.

I heard the sirens coming. Luckily, we were organized. It was time to draw arms. Sheldon Philips, the local gun store owner, who "hated all dis here technology anyway" had supplied us with 150 automatic weapons, grenades, and some WWII vehicles in lieu of our Lots of Laugh Crusader club dues of $200. We grabbed our weapons and loaded into the trucks and headed down the road away from LOL Headquarters.

I kept thinking that maybe it had gone too far. Then, I remembered great revolutionaries like Samuel Adams, Joan of Arc, and Napoleon. It was my turn. And I'd be damned if I was going to let these brainwashed bastards take the laugh out of me. The town was on fire and it was my chance to take over. Lots of Laugh was to come.

As the 7 or so local police cars turned the S-curve just before the river, we unloaded molotoff cocktails and about 1,000 rounds into them. Police cars were on fire and dead cops floated downstream from the vicious bullet wounds we put in them. We were unstoppable. We continued on and marched our cavalry to the town square, shooting anyone who disrupted us. We had taken over the local armory and from there the rest is history. And that is how the Republic of Lots Of Laugh was founded 47 years ago today.

I will never forget that night. When the night drew to a close, I stood atop the church tower, looking down at the hundreds of women and children we had slain. As my LOL Crusaders and I looked around at what we had done, and what we created, we all began to laugh. We laughed out loud!!

Friday, July 11, 2008

Hey Shirley

2:26 PM : "Hey Shirley, I was thinking me and you could start a coffee fund up in the break room, you know start our own little coffee committee. Me and you could run it. What do you say? No? Well I tell you what Shirley I'll just get it started and I'll get back to you in a while with all the details."

2:31 PM : "Hey Shirley, about that coffee committee, I was thinking maybe we could get together tonight over some linguini and iron out all the kinks. No? Well think it over, 'cause I say we do it. I'll call my friend Domenick, he can get us a booth at Giovanni's. OK I see you're busy. I'll just talk to you after you get out of the ladies room."

2:49 PM : "Hey Shirley you in here? Get your goddamn hands off me Alice!! I'm checking on Shirley she's been in here for 18 minutes. Shirley!!Shirley, I'm sorry Alice is being impossible, it looks like I'm gonna have to leave the ladies room. I'll be outside smoking a Kool, we'll talk about the coffee committee later. Are you leaving at 3 Shirl? Damnit Alice don't push!!"

3:03 PM : "Hey Shirley, Oh I'm so sorry, did I startle you? I was putting some posterboards for the coffee committee in your hatchback and I must have been low on pottassium because I konked right out back here. Oh ok, I'll get out. Hey Shirl, about tonight I need your new phone number I haven't been able to...."

4:18 PM : "Hey Shirley, I was on my way back from Kinko's when I noticed you're paperboy was out on his route. Figured I'd save him a trip.What a foul mouth that kid has, huh? Don't worry about tipping him out this week I took care of it for ya. Shirl? Shirl? Hey Shirley don't you want your newspaper? It's alright I'll just leave it on your porch here."

5:04 PM : "Hey Shirley, I didn't know you took yoga here too. Small world aint it? Say who was that guy that punched me out on your porch? Excuse me sir theres no reason to push, I'm simply trying to sample a yoga class before I committ to enrollment. What's that? This is womens yoga only? Well that's clearly biased. Come on Shirl we don't need these guys. Shirl? You coming Shirl? No?"

6:01 PM : "Hey Shirley, you just getting out of Yoga now? I thought it was only an hour long class. So listen, about Giovanni's, it doesn't look good. I called my friend Domenick, and he's been holding this grudge over my head for a long time now. Long story short, we're gonna have to do dinner at your place. What's that Shirley? Your gonna kick me in the balls? Come on Shirley I'm upset too about our dinner plans not working out but OWWW!! My God Shirl you accidentally maced me.AHHH GEEZ that stings.OK So I guess I'll see you at work tomorow Shirl? Shirl?"

7:30 AM : "Hey Shirley about that restraining order, how do you want to handle that with regards to the coffee committee?..."

Friday, July 4, 2008

Penpal Letters From C. Everett Koop

In 1986 I was a 4th grader attending John F. Kennedy Elementary School in Blackstone MA. Our teacher had assigned us the task of writing a letter to any member of the U.S. government. Most kids wrote to President Reagan, but I wrote my letter to Surgeon General C. Everett Koop. In response to my only letter I received a letter from the Surgeon General at least twice a month for the next 21 years. I have decided to publish the one sided correspondence in a segment I call:

PENPAL LETTERS FROM C. EVERETT KOOP

July 2nd, 1987

Dear Jeremy,

Whats up? Same ol' shit since yesterday here man. Just getting back from the post office to pick up my mail, cause they won't bring it to me anymore. You see last Tuesday the mail lady, this fuckin' bull dyke named Janet (I call her Man-Janet) pulls up and starts being a real bitch with a friggin capital C.

Mail usually arrives by 20 past 10 here, but now it's like 10:55 in the AM, so I says ,'Hey... Penis Envy! What the fuck?!?! I'm waiting on a letter from my pal Jeremy, and I was supposed to pick the wife up from the optomotrist like 10 minutes ago. Don't you think I got anything better to do than wait by a mailbox you little freakshow? You're a low-class disgrace to your uniform!' So of course, this just makes her go all swamp-ass on me, which I wouldn't of even had the patience for if I was sober, never mind then. I mean at this point I was on my 7th Haffenreffer, and all I needed was the reply letter from my pal Jeremy, to see if you were down with running some fireworks out of North Carolina to score some good shine from some Virginia Tech kids before the 4th, and I'd be on my way. No hassle, no foul. You'd think anyways.

So I did the only rational thing a man of my stature could do. I smacked her in the jaw with a crown royal bottle. I mean not hard, you know, just enough to make her talk with a click. Challenge the little Danny Devito looking broad to a duel if you will. And I know what your thinking, you're not supposed to hit girls, AND I NEVER HAVE!! But these bull-dykes man...I don't know. If you're man enough to sneak a little nookie out of circulation you better be man enough to take a Royal to the jaw like the rest of us. Right Jeremy? YOU KNOW what I'm talkin about!! Fuck man, your Brother Jeremy!! THE J-MAN HIMSELF!!

Ahh yessss sir. Fourth of MOTHERFUCKIN' JU-FUCKIN'-LY!! Theres nothing like it Brother. Not for a Navy man anyway. As a Navy man, when I feel 4th of July coming on, it just makes me grateful for all that this great nation of ours has done. Like that arch in St. Louis.You know, that big fucker. Man do I mix it up in St. Louis. Nearly beat a pimp to death at that very arch last Easter. What do they call that thing? It's not important.

So anyways, it's cutting close to the 4th and I havent heard back from you yet. You in or not? I really need you down on the NC/VA border by TOMOROW AT THE LATEST. We'll take my Lebarron from there. Theres a couple'a M-80's in it for you.

Well pal, let me know. Call me at the office if need be, you got the number.

Your Pal,

Cool Everett Koop

P.S. Hey, I was meaning to ask you. You got any older sisters or anything?