Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Not without my Roomba

"Look at 'em go. He's got a future in NASCAR I tell you..What a horse!!! Got his old man's heart. Not like you Jerry, you deadbeat loser.You're a softy like all your cousins. Not my nephews, I say. That's all your mothers screwed up DNA, just like you.Not my new little buddy J.R. here though... he's a sportsfan ANY father can be proud of!! J.R. got his daddy's good looks too. Don't Ya? I thought so. How about a steak little fella? Medium-rare, right?How 'bot a little bit a that extra juice on the side? Goddamn, just look at him. Jerry here's a hot dog."



"Linda, how about kicking Jerry out of his room and making some room for J.R. He's been with us long enough that he shows a responsibility our son Jerry doesn't have. I'll put a coat of fresh paint on the walls too. !"



"Jerry, you gotta move into the garage. Now git yer stuff and get moving. J.R.'s gotta go to sleep soon or his battery will die."



"Fucking Roomba. I hate that thing." Jerry had been verbally abused since his dad got the robotic vacuum. All the medals Jerry won in football, the honor roll, none of it mattered. His dad loved the Roomba more than him.



"You hear that Son! J.R. just finished cleaning the house! Yells Jerry's dad as he points to his nemesis, the Roomba. "God damn thing does more than you!. We're going out for a couple of beers. You stay here and watch your sister.



Jerry's dad stormed out with the Roomba following him.



The phone rings an hour later. Jerry picks up, "Zouuuuuuuu"" "Haha, Jerry , that's the Roomba telling you to fuck off. We're loaded! Boy can J.R. drink. Takes after his old man.! Did I ever tell you that your outta my will. That's right. Ol' Roombie is in there now. He gets the house and the Mercedes. " Click.



The phone rings again. "Jerry can you vacuum the hallway. I'm gonna give J.R. the night off. He's too drunk anyway. He might run into a wall or something and you know he ain't covered by my insurance. We'l l be home right after we go to the titty bar."



"Hey Jerry, can you come pick us up? Turns out J.R. is quite the ladies man. We picked up some babes but J.R.'s dust bin got filled up with the 'pubes, know what I'm saying? Nevermind. You couldn't find this place anyway, you dumb shit."



The next morning Jerry walked into the kitchen and his dad and the Roomba were cuddled together beneath a case of Bud. Jerry had enough. He picked up the sledgehammer from the garage and went into he kitchen. He had a rage he had never felt before. As he came in the front, his dad was standing there.



"Now, what do you think you're doing with that, boy?" I hope you ain't gonna do something you'll regret. Because I regret every second I have to look at your miserable face. As the tears ran down Jerry's face, his feet go knocked out from under him and he fell on his ass.



"That's right J.R.. Knock his pansy ass down! J.R. continued to ram Jerry in the mouth and nuts. J.R. kept coming. Jerry got to his feet and grabbed J.R. and brought him in the backyard. He threw the Roomba into their aboveground pool."



"Nooooo!!!" yelled Jerry's dad. He dove in the pool and swam underwater. 2 minutes later he came up with the Roomba. ?HE placed on the lawn and called 911. "HELP! NO! HELP!. He tried CPR but it was of no use. J.R. was gone.



"My only son! My only son! Not like this..Not like this.."



Jerry's dad filed charges against his son but they did not hold up in court. Jerry and his dad do not speak to this day.



J.R. is buried in Overhill Cemetary with an empty plot next to him for Jerry's dad. His dad thought about cremating him, but that's not what J.R. would have wanted since he would become the very thing he vacuumed. So, he was buried with an empty plot beside him reserved for Jerry's dad. The Roomba's headstone reds "J.R. , sucked up life, one room at a time."

Thursday, August 14, 2008

You Can't Touch My Prices!!!

Hey everybody Dan Marino here - YES THE Dan Marino of Marino's Marina Supply, reminding you that with the recession as bad as it is, and the high cost of fuel sky-sky-SKYROCKETING, never has there EVER been a better time to NOT BUY A BOAT!! That's right you heard it straight from Uncle Danny's mouth. Stretch your entertainment budget for every penny you got!!wanna impress your new girlfriend?Then you should take her down to Epcott, they've really fixed the place up. STICK IT TO THE MAN!! BOYCOTT GAS CONSUMING HOBBIES and for GOD'S SAKE...DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT BUYING A BOAT from Marino's Marina Supply!! AND Nowhere in the state is better to NOT buy a boat then Marino's Marina supply. We got a full stock of everything from Jetski's to 24 footers to MARINO's KING SIZE 65 footers, We're the only game in town and I plan on keeping everyone of these motherfuckers!!! SO PISS OFF!!

(Marino walks in front of the deck of one of his boats marked PRICED TO SELL on it.)

Now I know what your thinking, Danny your a business man, why don't you want to sell me a boat? EASY!! my wife doesn't come here... EVER! and this is the only place I got to hide my Barely Legal's (reaches over the deck and pulls up arm fulls of barely legal magazines, walks over to the next boat and drops them into that deck. a few spare magazines fall on the ground of the parking lot and an 10 year old red-headed boy quickly runs up, snatches it and runs off without Danny even noticing him.)

Now you're probably saying to yourself, this is CRAZY!! This guy actually owns a boat lot just to hide his porn-stash? YES HE DOES!! I married for money, and my wife, God bless her, is a REAL UPTIGHT WASPY BITCH! and this shit simply DOES NOT fly at home!!In fact, if I get caught with even ONE of these barely legals, she would divorce my ass in a New York MINUTE. I would actually have to make a REAL living by SELLING MY BOATS, and in this economy, how the fuck am I supposed to make any god-damn money doing that?!?!?!

So now I KNOW WHAT ELSE you're thinking, If this guy really doesn't want his wife to know about his secret porno stash, and he doesn't want any business, then why the heck is he advertising on TV? WELL I TOLD YOU, my wife is a WASP and she only watches Martha Stewart!! and I DON'T ADVERTISE DURING MARTHA STEWART!!! It's right here in my contract, in black and white!! And to answer your other question, I don't know how many of you viewers at home have ever been caught masturbating in the lobby of a sales office, but it happens to me FAR TOO OFTEN!! AND IT's TIME TO CUT THE SHIT AMERICA!!

And if you think THAT's ALL ...THEN YOUR THE ONE THAT'S CRAZY, and maybe a little STUPID TOO.'Cause I'm also here to tell you that if you think you're gonna come down to MY boat lot and try to haggle a good deal on one of MY boats by threatening to tell my wife, well let me tell YOU this... I KNOW JOE PESCI!! (short angry Italian guy comes on screen who is clearly NOT Joe Pesci) That's right tough guy, PESCI WORKS FOR ME!! And if you think Joe Pesci was an animal in films like Goodfella's and Casino, well then you aint seen him off-camera AND YOU DON'T WANT TO!! This guys a real fuckin' hot head, and you don't want to make him mad. Lot of accidents around town these days. ALL I'M SAYING!!!

SO COME ON DOWN TO MARINO's MARINA SUPPLY, THE CITIES ONLY SELLER OF NEW AND PRE-OWNED BOATS,JETSKI'S,LIFEJACKETS, and WATERSKIING EQUIPMENT, and then just turn it right around... and GET THE FUCK OUTA HERE!!!


Marino's Marina Supply, located at 384 Garfiled Avenue across the street from the Dairy Queen. Open 7 days a week from 10 AM to 10:30 PM. Open on most major Holidays. We're also certified to sell and renew fishing licenses.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

If Google wants to be her father, then Google can be her father

By Larry Gotellini

My daughter doesn't bother with me anymore. She used to be my little girl. Always hanging out at the shop with her grandfather and I. I'd take her down to the playground off of Pleasant St. and push her on the swing. But not no more. She ain't got time for her old man. Now, I'm just some dumb guinea she sees every now and then packing money away for when she goes to college. Ever since that Google came into her god damn life. She used to ask me questions like, "Daddy, why do the stars come out at night.?" I'd say, "Because the sky is where your dreams light up." Now, that damn google told her something about astronomy and the big band theory and physics and shit. Well, that's just fine. She didn't even ask her mother about the birds and the bees. I bet Google told her about everything.. I used to run the show around here. I was the know-it-all. I had all the answers and if you had a question, I was the man to ask. Now, she comes in here- a 15 year old smart ass. I couldn't find a part for my classic mustang. I thought it was the intake gasket. No, Miss Smarty Pants comes up here and tells me it was the gear box I was using. Ordered the part and everything. Did she work on that car for 17 years, caring for it, preserving it? No. Google just waltzes right in and takes over. All those diapers and stupid cartoons I had to go through. Google didn't do any of that. Nothing. He just sits there and thinks he's hot shit. I oughta give him a punch in the jaw! When she got caught shoplifting at Caldor, did Google go pull some strings and get the security guard to set her free. No. He's a pansy. I am the tough guy that threatened the security guard's wife with a crowbar.

The only time my little girl talks is at dinner when she just happens to pop in for Larry's own secret spaghetti recipe(Good luck making that Google!). Like the other day, she's like "Brian caught suspended for bringing Ecstasy in school. He's so cute but such a troublemaker." What the hell is Ecstasy anyway?. Hang on a sec here, E-C-S-T-A-S-Y (click). Hmmm. WHOA! Drugs! What the? Oh wow. "Hey Laura. LAURA! Our daughter knows this kid that sells this drug that sounds like a mix of shrooms and Viagara. Yeah. What? I don't know. He doesn't sell that shit no more…..Is that her? Hey you. Yeah, come here. Who's this Brian fella? I want you to stay away from him. Doing drugs. You're grounded. What did you say? Did you learn that from Google you little brat? I want you stay away from him too. No more. From now on, you're under my watch. Now, go to your room. Yes, you can use your computer. It's educational. No magazines or books though. That romance garbage you read. And NO CELL PHONE!"

Well, there you have it. I guess this Google ain't the man of the house after all. Larry's in charge now.