A Review of the Inaguration Speech By Moderator and Gene Shallet

Today, a day after the historic speech of President Barack Obama, we’d like to look into its success. I have here Gene Shallet, a world-reknowned movie critic to get his take on it.

“Good Morning Gene”

“Good Morning Vietnam”

“My name is Tom”

“My Name is Earl”

“But your Gene..”

“Ha. And your Nobody’s Fool”

“Ok. Let’s get started. What did you think of President Obama’s speech yesterday?”

“It was Definitely, Maybe the best speech in the History of the World, Part I.”

“What did you like about it so much?”

“I loved how he started strong and began Breaking Away from the usual rhetoric and Made the crowd so part of it. Noone felt like a Cast Away.”

“What would you have done differently?”

“Well, it’s Funny Farm that you mention that. I actually have written my own version of how I would address the nation.”

“Really?! Please do share.”

“My fellow Americans. I know some of you have some Fear right now. I know that many of you have lost jobs Out of Nowhere and are Living in America wondering what will happen The Day After Tomorrow. Some of you are Waiting to Exhale by yelling out a Scream of “Oh God!” to those around you. But Only You can help rebuild this country. When our forefathers like washington and Hancock developed this government, they had the Wisdom to know when it was time for a Quick Change. JFK stood here, made his speech and took this nation to the next level. Even Nixon took us to a foreign land to take us from that Big Trouble in Little China. But I stand here before you to tell you that America is Hard to Kill. And I, with your help, will take us from the Abyss we are in and send us to the top of the world so that we are once again a prosperous and great country. I am not a Liar, Liar. I am no Illusionist. And to be honest, it will take some Dirty Work. But I am speaking to you now from my heart and promise to take us Back to the Future where we belong. But we must be strong. Just because you are a Pretty Woman doesn’t mean you can be a Cry Baby. We need you to be solid like The Rock that stands over there. If you do, I will ensure I will protect this country and its citizens. If someone attacks, I will send All the Presidents Men to take care of whoever those Goonies are and let them know that we are Out for Justice.

Over the next 4 years, I will do whatever takes. I mean, What’s the Worst That Could Happen? All of Me is dedicated to this task and promise it won’t be another Neverending Story. So, continue Keeping the Faith and I will do the same. God Bless You and God Bless America.”

“Well done, Gene. Have you ever thought running for President?”

“I am not a Running Man, but if I was, I would be Gung Ho about getting into the Election. It’s not for me though. I prefer to be Behind Enemy Lines in the movie business, which is what we call in Hollywood can the Monkey Business!. I think Barack will do a good job. Thanks for the interview but I have to leave, my granddaughter, She Is Having a Baby and I have to Quicksilver over there since it’s been 9 Months since my grandson in-law gave her the ‘ol Dead Bang.”

“Good Night”

“ and Good Luck.”

Penpal Letters from C. Everett Koop

In 1986 I was a 4th grader attending John F. Kennedy Elementary School in Blackstone MA. Our teacher had assigned us the task of writing a letter to any member of the U.S. government. Most kids wrote to President Reagan, but I wrote my letter to Surgeon General C. Everett Koop. In response to my only letter I received a letter from the Surgeon General at least twice a month for the next 21 years. I have decided to publish the one sided correspondence in a segment I call:

PENPAL LETTERS FROM C. EVERETT KOOP

January 1st 1988

Dear Jeremy,

Well let's get the formallities out of the way and let me say Happy Fuckin New Year Man. Now with that being said, I think it's time to discuss a situation that's really been pissing me off. It is now 19 hundred and 80 fuckin' 8. We have been penpals since 19 hundred and 86. Since then I have mailed you over 250 letters and you have mailed me JACK SHIT. Now do I gotta keep wasting my time here or what? I mean I'm the one trying to feed a young mind some wisdom, teaching you how to throw a cheapshot into a motherfuckers throat and telling you the best city's to find Korean poontang. But hey, if you don't want to hear this old fool from the Sea tell you how to score, then what the hell did you write me for anyway?

Ahh fuck it, Jeremy. I can't stay mad at you. You'll write when you want. You're probably a busy little motherfucker anyways. What are you like 10 now? Man when I your age I was shaking down paperboys in the neighborhood for payoffs. It's a good racket for a young entrepreneur. That and selling cigarettes. It's a little tough to get 'em off the truck these days (believe me I just unloaded about 3 grand worth last week). But for a young kid you can probably do pretty good if you get a few of your buddies together and tip a cigarette machine on it's side. You'd be surprised how easy they break open. It's not just a money maker, but it's almost like a science experiment-you know, taking apart a big machine like that. Just don't let too many of your buddies in on it, they eat in to your profits. And by all means Jeremy, don't cut into your own supply. Especially with Cigarettes!! You know how the Koop feels about those fucking things!! I catch you smoking cigarettes I'll break your fuckin knee cap with a zippo,just like my old man did to me. Yes sir, old man Koop (the Admiral as I had to call him) didn't take no candy ass approach to parenting. There was no smoking a box of cigars to teach this kid a lesson. The Admiral says to me, you think you're a man now, smokin' fags huh(His old man was British and he never shook the British terminology). So then he sits me down and bashes my fuckin knee caps with his zippo til they were shattered in 6 places. They still crack when I do arobics.

So anyways bud, I gotta run. I'm meeting McCallister behind his deli in an hour, we're gonna CRANK some Roy Orbison and pound Rolling Rocks until the old Korean who runs the Laundomat next door to the deli comes out and tries to fight us (that motherfuckers crazy). It's a New Years tradition of me and McCallister.

Happy New Year Buddy. Here's to 1988.

Your Pal,




Cool Everett Koop

P.S. I was thinking me and you could start lifting weights as a new years resolution. I can bench 250. What are you benching?