Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Transubstantiation Relapse

The President of the online social-networking company Loomerang was arrested in Charlottesville, Virginia yesterday. Charles Bootiki, who is the head of the Palo Alto-based company, was charged with a DUI, destruction of private property, and disturbing the peace.


Bootiki was visiting family just outside of Charlottesville, after speaking at the UVA School of Business earlier in the week. Bootiki is a recovering alcoholic and has remained sober for 17 years.


He often speaks of his battle with alcoholism in his speeches to the media, public, and his employees. But things took a turn for the worst Sunday at Albermale Catholic Cathedral.



Father John O'Reilly recalls the incident. "I had just finished performing the transubstantiation and was performing communion. When I offered him the blood of Christ, he paused for a second, then took a sip from my chalice. I had moved on to about the fourth person from him, when he grabbed the chalice from my hand and started chugging it."



Apparently, Bootiki has not had a sip of wine for 17 years, the same amount of time he has not attended church. But when his sister convinced him to go, he was put at a crossroads when communion came about.



Charles' wife explains. "Chuck has worked so hard all this time. This was an isolated incident that I am sure will not happen again. I knew we should have never gone to church."



16-year old Paul Timlin was there. "After chugging the wine, the guy bolted out of church like a bat out of hell. He knocked down two little girls in the choir. The middle of the church was crowded, so he started hopping and diving over the pews, stepping on people. He got to the holy water thing over there, splashed water on his face and tuned around roared like a lion at everyone. This guy was a maniac!"



According to reports, Bootiki then got in his rental car and drove around looking for a liquor store. During his rampage, he rammed into 3 parked cars in various parts of the city. The state run ABC Liquor stores are closed in Virginia on Sunday. All stores sell wine and beer, including local gas stations, but apparently Bootiki must have been unaware of this fact.



He finally wound up at Mark's Tavern, a bar in a rural area 20 miles north of Charlottesville. Owner Bobby Grady tells us what happened. "This fella walks in and says, "Gimme all your scotch." I says, 'Sure, but sir, it's only 10:00 in the morning." "He says, "I know that! And he got this crazy look in his eye, and says"And I don't care!". He put $300 on the counter like it was nothing, so I gave him the whole bottle. He drank it in about 5 minutes. Then, he started crying and smashing those there pinball machines. I pulled out my shotgun and said, "Sir, those cost me more than $300. He scribbled a $20,000 check, put it on my counter, threw up in my doorway, and got in his car and drove off. I cashed that check this morning. I says to my wife, "Screw the pinball machines, we're going to Vegas!"



Bootiki didn't make it far in the mountainous region. His car drove off the side of Route 250 200 feet from Mark's Tavern and crashed into a ditch. He suffered minor injuries.



Today, Bootiki issued a statement. "To all my friends, family, and those I have hurt. I have battled long and hard with my alcoholism and I have let you all down. But the truth is that when that fucking devil of a priest offered me that chalice, I said "No thank you." Then he frowned and said, "But if you don't, then you'll go to hell along with your wife and kids." So, for the slight chance that there is a hell, I took a sip. That kicked in my demons and from there I was out of control."



O'Reilly, who was questioned about a molestation incident a few years back, denied the claim. "That's ridiculous. Perhaps, the constant sinister citizens of the Bay Area have overcome him and all those computers have gotten him delusional."



Bootiki is now in rehab and CFO Rita Fritas has taken over operations in the interim. Bootiki has a net worth of approximately $1.2 billion.



Prior to going into rehab, Bootiki vowed revenge against the Catholic Church and made some odd changes at his company. This included policy changes encouraging cursing and adultery to go on in his workplace. If any pregnancies result from the adultery, Bootiki himself said he will pay for the abortions.



He has also encouraged Homosexuals to apply for any open positions at his company. He guaranteed they would be moved to "the front of the line".



Bootiki has also changed the company's well-known emblem of 2 boomerangs intertwined to symbolize convergence. He has replaced it with a digitially altered photo of the Last Supper, where he has photo-imposed a picture of himself yanking the tablecloth off of the table Jesus is using.


Shares of Loomerang went up 13% in mid-day trading..