3 Orange Whipples

Transubstantiation Relapse

2010-01-06T13:35:00.001-08:00

The President of the online social-networking company Loomerang was arrested in Charlottesville, Virginia yesterday. Charles Bootiki, who is the head of the Palo Alto-based company, was charged with a DUI, destruction of private property, and disturbing the peace.

Bootiki was visiting family just outside of Charlottesville, after speaking at the UVA School of Business earlier in the week. Bootiki is a recovering alcoholic and has remained sober for 17 years.

He often speaks of his battle with alcoholism in his speeches to the media, public, and his employees. But things took a turn for the worst Sunday at Albermale Catholic Cathedral.

Father John O'Reilly recalls the incident. "I had just finished performing the transubstantiation and was performing communion. When I offered him the blood of Christ, he paused for a second, then took a sip from my chalice. I had moved on to about the fourth person from him, when he grabbed the chalice from my hand and started chugging it."

Apparently, Bootiki has not had a sip of wine for 17 years, the same amount of time he has not attended church. But when his sister convinced him to go, he was put at a crossroads when communion came about.

Charles' wife explains. "Chuck has worked so hard all this time. This was an isolated incident that I am sure will not happen again. I knew we should have never gone to church."

16-year old Paul Timlin was there. "After chugging the wine, the guy bolted out of church like a bat out of hell. He knocked down two little girls in the choir. The middle of the church was crowded, so he started hopping and diving over the pews, stepping on people. He got to the holy water thing over there, splashed water on his face and tuned around roared like a lion at everyone. This guy was a maniac!"

According to reports, Bootiki then got in his rental car and drove around looking for a liquor store. During his rampage, he rammed into 3 parked cars in various parts of the city. The state run ABC Liquor stores are closed in Virginia on Sunday. All stores sell wine and beer, including local gas stations, but apparently Bootiki must have been unaware of this fact.

He finally wound up at Mark's Tavern, a bar in a rural area 20 miles north of Charlottesville. Owner Bobby Grady tells us what happened. "This fella walks in and says, "Gimme all your scotch." I says, 'Sure, but sir, it's only 10:00 in the morning." "He says, "I know that! And he got this crazy look in his eye, and says"And I don't care!". He put $300 on the counter like it was nothing, so I gave him the whole bottle. He drank it in about 5 minutes. Then, he started crying and smashing those there pinball machines. I pulled out my shotgun and said, "Sir, those cost me more than $300. He scribbled a $20,000 check, put it on my counter, threw up in my doorway, and got in his car and drove off. I cashed that check this morning. I says to my wife, "Screw the pinball machines, we're going to Vegas!"

Bootiki didn't make it far in the mountainous region. His car drove off the side of Route 250 200 feet from Mark's Tavern and crashed into a ditch. He suffered minor injuries.

Today, Bootiki issued a statement. "To all my friends, family, and those I have hurt. I have battled long and hard with my alcoholism and I have let you all down. But the truth is that when that fucking devil of a priest offered me that chalice, I said "No thank you." Then he frowned and said, "But if you don't, then you'll go to hell along with your wife and kids." So, for the slight chance that there is a hell, I took a sip. That kicked in my demons and from there I was out of control."

O'Reilly, who was questioned about a molestation incident a few years back, denied the claim. "That's ridiculous. Perhaps, the constant sinister citizens of the Bay Area have overcome him and all those computers have gotten him delusional."

Bootiki is now in rehab and CFO Rita Fritas has taken over operations in the interim. Bootiki has a net worth of approximately $1.2 billion.

Prior to going into rehab, Bootiki vowed revenge against the Catholic Church and made some odd changes at his company. This included policy changes encouraging cursing and adultery to go on in his workplace. If any pregnancies result from the adultery, Bootiki himself said he will pay for the abortions.

He has also encouraged Homosexuals to apply for any open positions at his company. He guaranteed they would be moved to "the front of the line".

Bootiki has also changed the company's well-known emblem of 2 boomerangs intertwined to symbolize convergence. He has replaced it with a digitially altered photo of the Last Supper, where he has photo-imposed a picture of himself yanking the tablecloth off of the table Jesus is using.

Shares of Loomerang went up 13% in mid-day trading..

I'm not an Enabler!

2009-03-30T17:17:00.000-07:00

By Cindy McTavish

My therapist tells me I am the enabler in the family and enable my husband to be an alcoholic and drug addict. She’s nuts. I lay the law down and get things my way. Why would I enable my husband to be an alcoholic? Is it the fact that he cheated on me 6 times? Is it the $4,000,000,000 life insurance policy he has? The prenup? Absolutely not. I love him. Wholly.

I went to my therapist to better myself, but then it got to be all about Todd. I had to mention he was an alcoholic and drug addict, right? She thinks because he has a long history of crushing up pills that it may have not been right for me to buy him a mortar and pestal on his birthday. I thought he enjoyed cooking and would use it to mix up spices and things!! How did I expect he would take it and mash up a bunch of OxyContin with it?

She also thinks that hanging neon beer signs in the bedroom isn’t too smart. What can I say? I’m old fashioned and it reminds me of my home back in New Jersey. There were bars everywhere. Oh the memories.

Just because he drinks, doesn’t mean I can’t. In fact, I think because he is the way he is I should be able to let off some steam. So, I have some drinks from time to time. And my back hurts so I just tend to leave the bottle of Goldschlager on the counter beside the fridge. It’s better than having to go in the cabinet to get it. And if I notice some missing, then it’s no big deal. It’s not that expensive.

She also says that symbols of drugs can cause him to relapse. Well, I mean, I didn’t know that putting our coffee creamer in individual baggies and tying them up real tight with a twisty tie looked like cocaine. I was trying to be nice. I even left straws beside them in case he wanted to drink his coffee without spilling it on his suit. I guess spilling the coffee wasn’t as bad as him driving to Newark to get an ounce of coke and disappearing to Atlantic City for 9 days. Because of coffee creamer! And I honestly was trying to help!!!

She also had something to say about my hobby. I took up wine collecting. I have a passion for wine. So, I renovated Todd’s gym into a wine cellar. Not all of it, he still works out there everyday, but I have about 1000 bottles of wine down there. I also decided to grow my own, so I turned our backyard into a small vineyard. Todd complains because he has to walk through the vineyard to get to his toolshed. To stop his complaining about it, I installed a fridge in is shed and a couch in case he gets tired from working out in the yard. And a TV.

And she even had the nerve to bring in my health condition into this. I received my first flu shot the other day. It was a pinnacle point in my life to better myself. So, I convinced the nurse to let me take the syringe home. I put it in a plaque and it’s displaying right there over the..

Oh, it’s gone. ..

Anyway, I don’t know what she is talking about. I am going to find a new therapist. Before I leave for my next appointment, I just have to take the brownies I made for Todd out of the oven.

It Ain't Easy Wearing Green

2009-02-18T10:02:00.000-08:00

Vic sat in his living room picking at his fingernails in frustration. He was so close. He had nailed the interview. It was a lock. How could something so silly cost him his first job opportunity in 5 months. Being laid off was hurting Vic. He was a Financial Analyst at a bank that tanked and left him with 2 weeks severance.

He decided this was it. He couldn’t take it anymore. Vic raised up looked in his immaculate backyard. The area had made his work since being unemployed. Trimmed bushes lined along the property line, green rye grass throughout, it was his best landscaping yet. Not bad for a city boy he thought.

Vic turned and moped up the staircase into his exercise room. The house was outside of his means and he knew it. It was for sale for a year and he had 2 people look at it. Vic just couldn’t believe what happened to him today. He wanted to take action. He had enough of people taking advantage of him and disregarding the good intention of his actions.

From the closet, he withdrew a 14 gauge shotgun. Only used twice on a company hunting trip, Vic was a good shot. He sat and turned on some Jackson Browne to calm his nerves. As he tapped his foot, he inserted the shells into the gun. He wasn’t changing his outfit for this occasion. In fact, it was the reason in the first place.
He wrapped the gun in some bath towels and got into his Malibu. He put on NPR since it ws playing classical music this time of the day. Something he shamefully knew all too well. As Vic turned into the mall, he saw the sparse cars in the parking lot. Mostly workers. Sad, he thought. But that was just the way it was. He transferred the shotgun into a large suit bag and zipped it up. He grabbed the clothes hanger at the top and straddled it across his back. He figured he’d go in through the west entrance. Where the food court was. The noise would motivate him. As he walked through the doors, he held it for the woman and her kids behind him. She walked in untouched and didn’t even pass off a thank you.

Frustrated and angry, Vic sat down near the Sbarro. Sbarro, what a joke. He looked over at the illegal immigrants who might pass for Italian to someone with limited eyesight and rage began to build up. He decided to go the Fry Rye Dragon and get a special. 7 bucks for a plate of rice. Whatever, Vic thought. He sat down at a different table and reminisced about the day. He had nailed that interview. Damnit he thought. He was oblivious what was going on the whole time. Only when he saw his reflection in the elevator afterward did he see it. Embarrassing.

He threw his Styrofoam container in the trash and walked down the hall past the eateries. His senses were heightened. He smelled danishes, coffee, chicken, and hot dogs. He felt like he had entered another dimension. He turned left and walked toward the anchor store, Hechts. The sign became blurry as he stared at it and drew closer. At the entrance, he stopped for a moment and looked at all the perfume counters and smiled. As he proceeded through the zig zag of glass cases, he looked up and saw a sign that read Menswear. He followed the arrow and saw the person he was looking for. The guy who sold him his pants.

“Hey, David, is it?” Vic asked.

“Yes, sir. Oh I remember you. How did your interview go?”

“Not good. Actually, that’s why I am here.”

“Oh, too bad. Sorry to hear that. How did those brown pants treat you.”

Vic paused and looked down at his pants. You see the pants were the whole cause of the demise that occurred today.

“That green shirt looks good on you. Knew it would go well with the pants and tie.”
Vic looked up and was astonished at the guy’s comment. He stared at him with rage.
Vic looked back down at his pants, then his shirt.

True, the pants did look brown here in the store. You could not deny that. But, that didn’t matter. What matter is how they looked in the lighting in the interview room earlier today. There, these pants were green. Together with a light green shirt, he looked like a giant pea pod. He heard the secretaries snickering at him as he left.

“David, these pants are green.”

“Hahaha. That’s funny. They’re brown sir.”

“They’re green.”

“Brown.”

Vic unzipped his suit bad and drew the shotgun.

David became awestruck and pale instantly.

“You’re coming with me. I’m gonna show you.”

Vic pressed the barrel against David as they left the store together. It was amazingly easy to get out of the mall without anyone even being suspicious. They got in Vic’s car and headed to the office where Vic had the interview.

“Sir, maybe they didn’t care about the color of your pants. Maybe you’ll get the job.”

“Shut it. It’s over.” Vic punched David in the mouth. It felt good to Vic. He wanted to do that to someone for a long time. Mainly, his old boss, but this guy would do.
They entered the parking garage and got past the security attendant. He still had his parking pass from earlier in the day.

He parked in space 158 and the two of them entered the building via the stairwell. The echo of their footsteps was eerie to Vic. It was as if he was entering the end.
They go to the main floor and signed in. Vic had his suit bag and no one asked any question. They entered the elevator and a woman entered and pressed Floor 12. That’s where they needed to go. They exited the elevator and Vic pointed to his pants.

“See?”

“Yes, they are green. Full refund. Buy one get one.”

“Too late man. Let’s go.”

Vic walked down the hall and entered the interview room. There was another candidate in there. Vic looked at him in his beautiful suit. Perfectly matched and well groomed. Vic in an furious fit began to unzip his bag. In walked Charlie Powell, the hiring manager.

“Vic. What are you doing here. Actually, I am glad you came. Can I see yo for a minute?”

Surprised, Vic replied, “Sure.”

The two left the room. Vic could see David pleading his case to the other candidate waving his hands in the air and making a gesture with a gun. The candidate looked like he believed him and got up.

Charlie noticed what was going on and became distracted from what he was going to tell Vic.

The candidate stood up and exited the interview room.

“Mr. Powell. This guy is a killer. He came here to kill us all because of the color of his pants.”

“That’s absurd. Don’t try to downgrade another candidate. That’s unprofessional.”

“But Mr. Powell, I am serious.”

“Get out of my office right now. And you too. Is this guy with you Vic?”

“No. He jut got off the elevator with me. No idea who he is.”

David looked at Vic as if he was totally insane and ran off.

“Well Vic, I was going to tell you that this guy in here was going to be our man. But since he just flaked out, I guess you’re our man. I had you as the #2 candidate and it looks like you moved up to #1.”

“Oh, Mr. Powell, I can’t thank you enough.”

“By the way, what’s in the bag?”

“Oh, a pair of brown pants I was supposed to wear today but they got stuck at the cleaners.”

“Glad to hear. I knew there was a reason you were dressed like Guido. See you Monday”

“Thanks!”

Vic got in the elevator and threw the gun atop the elevator shaft. He exited the elevator to see David and a security guard waiting for him.

“He has a gun in that bag!”

“Open the bag sir.”

Vic unzipped the bag and it was an empty hanger.

The security guard looked at David, “Sir, what kind of demented clothes salesman are you?”

A Review of the Inaguration Speech By Moderator and Gene Shallet

2009-01-21T14:28:00.000-08:00

Today, a day after the historic speech of President Barack Obama, we’d like to look into its success. I have here Gene Shallet, a world-reknowned movie critic to get his take on it.

“Good Morning Gene”

“Good Morning Vietnam”

“My name is Tom”

“My Name is Earl”

“But your Gene..”

“Ha. And your Nobody’s Fool”

“Ok. Let’s get started. What did you think of President Obama’s speech yesterday?”

“It was Definitely, Maybe the best speech in the History of the World, Part I.”

“What did you like about it so much?”

“I loved how he started strong and began Breaking Away from the usual rhetoric and Made the crowd so part of it. Noone felt like a Cast Away.”

“What would you have done differently?”

“Well, it’s Funny Farm that you mention that. I actually have written my own version of how I would address the nation.”

“Really?! Please do share.”

“My fellow Americans. I know some of you have some Fear right now. I know that many of you have lost jobs Out of Nowhere and are Living in America wondering what will happen The Day After Tomorrow. Some of you are Waiting to Exhale by yelling out a Scream of “Oh God!” to those around you. But Only You can help rebuild this country. When our forefathers like washington and Hancock developed this government, they had the Wisdom to know when it was time for a Quick Change. JFK stood here, made his speech and took this nation to the next level. Even Nixon took us to a foreign land to take us from that Big Trouble in Little China. But I stand here before you to tell you that America is Hard to Kill. And I, with your help, will take us from the Abyss we are in and send us to the top of the world so that we are once again a prosperous and great country. I am not a Liar, Liar. I am no Illusionist. And to be honest, it will take some Dirty Work. But I am speaking to you now from my heart and promise to take us Back to the Future where we belong. But we must be strong. Just because you are a Pretty Woman doesn’t mean you can be a Cry Baby. We need you to be solid like The Rock that stands over there. If you do, I will ensure I will protect this country and its citizens. If someone attacks, I will send All the Presidents Men to take care of whoever those Goonies are and let them know that we are Out for Justice.

Over the next 4 years, I will do whatever takes. I mean, What’s the Worst That Could Happen? All of Me is dedicated to this task and promise it won’t be another Neverending Story. So, continue Keeping the Faith and I will do the same. God Bless You and God Bless America.”

“Well done, Gene. Have you ever thought running for President?”

“I am not a Running Man, but if I was, I would be Gung Ho about getting into the Election. It’s not for me though. I prefer to be Behind Enemy Lines in the movie business, which is what we call in Hollywood can the Monkey Business!. I think Barack will do a good job. Thanks for the interview but I have to leave, my granddaughter, She Is Having a Baby and I have to Quicksilver over there since it’s been 9 Months since my grandson in-law gave her the ‘ol Dead Bang.”

“Good Night”

“ and Good Luck.”

Penpal Letters from C. Everett Koop

2009-01-01T12:35:00.000-08:00

In 1986 I was a 4th grader attending John F. Kennedy Elementary School in Blackstone MA. Our teacher had assigned us the task of writing a letter to any member of the U.S. government. Most kids wrote to President Reagan, but I wrote my letter to Surgeon General C. Everett Koop. In response to my only letter I received a letter from the Surgeon General at least twice a month for the next 21 years. I have decided to publish the one sided correspondence in a segment I call:

PENPAL LETTERS FROM C. EVERETT KOOP

January 1st 1988

Dear Jeremy,

Well let's get the formallities out of the way and let me say Happy Fuckin New Year Man. Now with that being said, I think it's time to discuss a situation that's really been pissing me off. It is now 19 hundred and 80 fuckin' 8. We have been penpals since 19 hundred and 86. Since then I have mailed you over 250 letters and you have mailed me JACK SHIT. Now do I gotta keep wasting my time here or what? I mean I'm the one trying to feed a young mind some wisdom, teaching you how to throw a cheapshot into a motherfuckers throat and telling you the best city's to find Korean poontang. But hey, if you don't want to hear this old fool from the Sea tell you how to score, then what the hell did you write me for anyway?

Ahh fuck it, Jeremy. I can't stay mad at you. You'll write when you want. You're probably a busy little motherfucker anyways. What are you like 10 now? Man when I your age I was shaking down paperboys in the neighborhood for payoffs. It's a good racket for a young entrepreneur. That and selling cigarettes. It's a little tough to get 'em off the truck these days (believe me I just unloaded about 3 grand worth last week). But for a young kid you can probably do pretty good if you get a few of your buddies together and tip a cigarette machine on it's side. You'd be surprised how easy they break open. It's not just a money maker, but it's almost like a science experiment-you know, taking apart a big machine like that. Just don't let too many of your buddies in on it, they eat in to your profits. And by all means Jeremy, don't cut into your own supply. Especially with Cigarettes!! You know how the Koop feels about those fucking things!! I catch you smoking cigarettes I'll break your fuckin knee cap with a zippo,just like my old man did to me. Yes sir, old man Koop (the Admiral as I had to call him) didn't take no candy ass approach to parenting. There was no smoking a box of cigars to teach this kid a lesson. The Admiral says to me, you think you're a man now, smokin' fags huh(His old man was British and he never shook the British terminology). So then he sits me down and bashes my fuckin knee caps with his zippo til they were shattered in 6 places. They still crack when I do arobics.

So anyways bud, I gotta run. I'm meeting McCallister behind his deli in an hour, we're gonna CRANK some Roy Orbison and pound Rolling Rocks until the old Korean who runs the Laundomat next door to the deli comes out and tries to fight us (that motherfuckers crazy). It's a New Years tradition of me and McCallister.

Happy New Year Buddy. Here's to 1988.

Your Pal,

Cool Everett Koop

P.S. I was thinking me and you could start lifting weights as a new years resolution. I can bench 250. What are you benching?

2 Men and a Guttenberg

2008-12-06T16:15:00.000-08:00

1990 Beverly Hills California -

Tom Sellick takes the stage with Ted Danson at the wrap party for 3 Men and a Little Lady...

Sellick stands at the podium and begins giving a speech while Steve Guttenberg is busy putting the moves on a clearly disinterested middle aged waittress.

"Come on Baby I gotta room at the plaza...oh shit, they're starting without me again." Guttenberg says as he throws his room key at the waitresses feet, lunges through the crowd and slides onto the stage.

"Ladies and Gentlemen," Sellick states over the microphone which is suddenly yanked hard to the left.

"And LITTLE LADIES, we should add." Guttenberg adds as he gives his trademarked devilish grin while leaning over the podium.

Ted Danson calmly pulls Guttenberg away from the mic.

"Come on Steve. That's enough now." He says to Guttenberg.

"Thanks Ted." Sellick continues. "Look we just wanted to say that if audiences enjoy watching this movie as much as we enjoyed making this movie with all of you, then we got a real smash on our hands."

Ted Danson stepped to the podium, raising his Champagne Flute.

"TO 3 MEN AND A LITTLE LADY!!" He toasted.

The crowd joined him and the jazz combo began playing their next set as Danson and Sellick walked off the stage together.

"And if I could just add- Here's to the NEXT 3 MEN AND A BABY movie, It's gonna be the biggest thing since the Cosby show!! Look out Summer of 91, cause Guttenberg and the gang are gunnin' for ya!! LET'S HERE IT FOR THE BOYS!!" Guttenberg added while raising Danson's empty champagne flute in the air, although nobody listened. The Jazz band didn't even stop playing.

Outside at the Valet station, Sellick and Danson stood with their wives and said there goodbyes, while hoping to get away quickly.

"Hey there you guys are!!" Says Guttenberg who seemed to appear out of nowhere and completely out of breath."So listen guys..(huff-huff) first of all if that waitress Sheila comes out here tell her I'm not here,...(huff-huff) that dude Kevin tending bar says he knows these stuardesses that'll party with us and they're WAY HOTTER!! But fuck it, I just wanted to say...NEXT YEAR....THE NEXT MOVIE."

Sellick cuts Guttenberg off

"Look Steve, I've been talking to Ted and I think we're in agreement. No more movies."

"What??!!"

"Yeah, look Tom's right. We had a good run Steve." Adds Danson as his ride pulls up. The Valet pulled up Sellicks car at the same time.

"It's the golden rule of Showbiz Steve. You gotta quit while your on top. Take care of yourself Steve. Hey Ted, gimme a call." Sellick adds and the 2 men drove away leaving Steve Guttenberg completely alone.

"Ted, what do you mean no more movies?" Guttenberg yelled out to the passing traffic that his co-stars were among as he stood utterly alone....

2008 Riverside California -

Tom Sellick enters the Ramada Inn's 70 seat video conference center and is greeted by Ted Danson.

"Hey Tom, you look GREAT. Congratulations buddy, WOW, the AFI. I was so happy when I heard they were honoring you."Danson says

"Hey thanks alot Ted, it's great to see you buddy.You know I kind of felt like a ham coming to something like this. I mean usually with the AFI you'd expect maybe a Pacino or a Spielberg but hey,what can I say. I guess I made some smart moves afterall."

"Aww don't sell yourself short Tom, you deserve it."

"Thanks Ted I appreciate it. I wonder why they chose Riverside?"

"Yeah. Yeah I was just wondering that myself. You know I don't mean to rain on your sunny day, but this isn't the most glamourous setup for an AFI event. No open bar- in fact I asked for a glass of Dom and they gave me a plastic cup of Carlo Rossi. I complained to the manager and the guys said shut your stink hole Becker that's Paisano...'the good stuff!!"

"You know what's odd. These people here, the guests...I don't recognize any of them. I mean sure there are some actors here, but nobody good. I mean theres that guy over there blocking the exits...wait. Didn't he play Tackleberry?"

The 2 men suddenly had an intense look on their face as they realized what was going on.

"GUTTENBERG!!" They both yelled while dropping their cups of Carlo Rossi Paisano on the floor and scattering in different directions.

Just then Steve Guttenberg entered from the door at the back of the stage with an 80's boom box on his shoulder blaring the song "Lets Hear it For the Boys". He pulled down the banner that read AFI HONORS TOM SELLICK to reveal another banner that read 3 Men and a Granddaughter.

When Guttenberg saw Danson and Sellick attempting to make a getaway he yelled out "STOP THEM"

Suddenly Kevin the bartender jumped from behind the bar and smacked Tom Sellick with a half empty jug of Carlo Rossi square in the temple, knocking him to the ground, while Wilford Brimley planted his fat ass on Sellicks back pinning him to the ground.

"You fuck with one Cocoon castmember you fuck with all of us...at least all the ones that are still alive that is." Wilford declared before farting on Sellick's back.

Danson made a bolt for the East exit, plowed through Tackleberry and suddenly found himself being chased through the Ramada's hallway by Guttenberg who was still carrying the Boom Box, the mixed tape now moving on to Hootie and the Blowfish's mid '90s hit "I only wanna be with you".

As Danson made his way into the lobby he was suddenly stunned by what appeared to be the sound of a UFO about to land in the lobby.

"What is that? A goddamn spaceship?"

But no, it was Michael Winslow the human sound effect machine doing a UFO impression from behind a plant in the lobby.

Danson was tackled and held down by Guttenberg.

"Get the fuck off me Guttenberg!!"Danson demanded

"I don't want to hurt you Ted. I just want to talk to you."

"Yeah well you can FORGET IT. I AINT MAKING A 3MEN AND a BABY MOVIE!! Damnit you do this to us every year!! And every year the idea's stink!!"

"Ted,Ted,Ted just listen. It's 2008, We havent' seen each other since 1994, we're all bachelors except Tom's character, and now it's Mary's college graduation, so we all have to meet up. We find out she's pregnant so we find the boyfriend and beat the shit out of him."

"Jesus Guttenberg, that's shit!! It doesn't even make sense." Danson pleads while still being held to the floor of the lobby.

"Yeah but it's edgey. Like P.S. Your Cat is Dead. I did that Indy and we can do this indy. But it'll be a SMASH Ted, it'll be a smash!!"

"Your fuckin crazy Guttenberg do you know that."

"Ted....Tedddy....Come on, let's make the movie Ted. People want it."

Suddenly Guttenberg caught Sellick's patten leather shoe to the back of the head, knocking him over. Sellick managed to break free when Wilford Brimley had fallen asleep while sitting on his back and was now out to rescue his former co-star.

He pulled Danson to his feet and made a break for the Ramada parking lot. This time the 2 men made no attempts at a goodbye, they simply drove off.

As Danson pulled out of the parking lot Guttenberg jumped on the hood of his Lexis.

"Ted just think about it." He yelled as Danson turned the wipers on. " It'll be a cross between Casablanca and P.S. Your Cat is Dead, I PROMISE YOU...WOOOOOAAAWW"

Guttenberg was laid out in the middle of the busy downtown Riverside streets. He picked himself up and dusted himself off while ignoring the honking horns of annoyed drivers as he watched Danson drive off in his Lexis.

Suddenly there was a hand on Guttenberg's shoulder. He turned to find Tackleberry standing next to him.

"We'll get 'em next time Steve. Next time."

The Adventures of Marty the Meth Addict: Thanksgiving at Aunt Lucy's House

2008-11-26T12:49:00.001-08:00

Hey Cousin, my you're getting big. Nephew? Who the hell? Hey Grandma. What's shaking you old bag? Can I get a swig of that Goldschlager? Sweet, you were always there for me gram. Ok, enough of this family shit. Hi everyone, hi to you, you too, you you little bastard. Just going to go back and check on the chickens. Boy it smells in here. I'll just seat myself between you two hens. Nice little hit before Turkey time. Wooof. BOWAAWAAWA! Rrrg. Shit. Hey what came first, the chicken or the egg?Hehehehe. What's that? Oh shit. Hey Mr. wolf. Hey Mr. Nice doggie. Ohh, no need to show those teeth. Want some meth? Hey, lemme shotgun it for you. Just stay still. There you go. Good dog now. Hey. Calm down wolf. Oh don't get all upset now. Why's your fur doing that man? Are you some kind of alien? Don't jump, just gonna back up real slow outta the coop. All You can eact chicken is on Marty today. Two drink minimum? Heheheh. It was just a joooooooooke. Ohhh! Help! Help! Marty is on the run.

Oh shit Bobby,close the door. There's a wolf chasing me. See him. He's eating the tire of Lucy's car. Don't know, he must be really upset or something. Probably teased him with all this food you guys been cooking up.

Grandma get the gun! Quick give me your necklace. Throwin it in the pan! It's sizzlin' silver! Marty the Silver chef! I'm cooking it cuz I'm gonna make a silver bullet and shoot it through his heart! No, I won't calm down. A coyote? What the? I'm not freaking out. Fine, but as soon as dinner is ready yell downstairs and I'll come up. Yell loud too, cuz I'm gonna be playing Pac Man. Stupid family. Pac Man my ass. Pac man is packing it up with some ice biatchh! Woof, Wow! Methamphetamine equals powerpelletine . HEhehe. Good hittin down here in the basement. What? Dinner's ready? I ain't hungry. I'll be up in a few. Wof! Woof! Ice is hitting on t-giving baby!

Oh, hey everyone, oh nothing, just looking at the washing machine down there. Oh you all saying some séance thing? I bet I can get the Turkey to levitate. Watch this….Dearly Beloved, Gobble Gobble, let the good lord raise the bird up and make his head begin to Bobble! Heehehehe. Oh fine, you pissants ain't worth shit. I'll be watching football while you do that pilgrim shit. It ain't the year 1345 folks! Jesus. What's on the tube? Hey Aunt Lucy, what's wrong with the reception? The antenna. I'll go fix it. On the roof? Fuck that? How about some tackle football? When are you guys going to be done eating? Here I'll help you woof it down. Give me that spoon. Mmmm. Gooth math potathoes Titha. Heehehe. Manners? What manners? I'm eating with the spoon. Oh wait a sec…Something's about to come out of my ass. Ohoooo! Marty shit himself at the Thanksgiving table. Marty shit himself at the Thankgiving table!!! Fine. I'm outta here. Hey, nephew who can't speak too good, what size waist are you?

The Safety Dance

2008-11-15T14:33:00.000-08:00

I was assigned security for a concert that I had been waiting for 15 years. I spent $500 on two tickets for front row and I had a limo reserved. It was going to be one of the best nights I had in a long while. Suzy was going to go with me and I knew I was DEFINITELY getting some that night. The music, the money,the pure ecstasy of seeing my favorite band. And it all went to hell.

F'ing Chuck got in a car wreck and broke his arm. Johnny went into rehab for 'roids. Next on the list to work-good ole me. So, I had to cancel everything, including my date. I was depressed, angry, mad at the world. But there was a bright side. I could still go to the show. I just had to work.

You see my occupation is in concert security, so I get to hear numerous acts, standing there with my back to them while I cart off drunk teenagers and middle aged men for playing grabass. It's alright. Pays good, keeps me in shape.

So, I had to go stand in front of my favorite band, but focus on the crowd at the same time. It would be a challenge to perform well and enjoy the music. So, I did some cognitive training. I went and watched tennis matches and kept score while talkin on my cell phone. I did pretty well. Then, I went to my gym and jumped on and off the treadmill while it was running while simutaneously changing the song on my ipod. I was getting good at this multitasking thing. So, the day before the show, I climbed up a 24 ft. ladder with a crystal bowl, threw it up in the air, climbed down the ladder, somersaulted and caught it. I am not sure if that helped me train at all, but it sure pumped me up.

When I got to Tropicana field , the place was empty. It was tough watching the crowd grow and grow knowing I could have been one of them, smashed, yelling at my date to quit looking at other guys.It made me understand how the security crew for Woodstock must have felt. But it's all good. When the opening band came off and the headliners, my heroes, were getting ready, my heart started racing. I felt like I was going to a high school dance for the first time. Just then, some idiot threw a beer at the stage, so I caught it in mid –air, jumped over the metal gate and popped him one. Or her one. It doesn't matter.I wasn't gonna be bothered with bullshit and I was making it extremely clear. I was there to listen first and conduct crowd control second.

When the group came on, the place roared. I glanced back a few times, but my boss, Old Man McKinley kept giving me dirty looks. By mid-set I was drenched with sweat.I was enjoying it, but needed more. Just one turn and look at my boys. I decided, screw it, if they play my favorite song, I am going up there on stage. At that exact moment, like divine intervention, I heard the opening words to Hangin' Tough. I turned and locked eyes with Donnie. It was on. I jumped on stage and started dancing with the one and only NKOTB.

I was DEFINITELY at a high point in my life, until what I thought were my friends and colleagues were yelling at me to get off the stage. I told them NO WAY!. So, they had the nerve to try and take me down, but it wasn't gonna happen. Not during Hangin' Tough.

Before I knew it my moment of glory was diminished as I now had to take on the most elite squad of concert security these United States have ever known. My boss, Old Man McKinley stood calmly behind the crew as he sent A squad to handle my downfall. He was cold,confident and calculating, but he also was forgetting...I trained the A squad.

3 came at me at once, 2 from the side with 1 from behind. I was so ready I didn't even have to stop my Hanging Tough dance. I just grabbed the 2 from the side while my arm was already waving from left to right and smacked their faces into each other. The 3rd guy thought he was slick sneaking up behind me, but I knew he'd be coming, and simply fused a triple spin with a sweep kick to the leg, and took the punk out without even missing a beat.

I looked to my right, and in all of the action it didn't even occur to me that I was standing next to little Joey-Joe McIntyre, who in my humble opinion was always the best dancer of the bunch. I realized I was probably stealing his thunder, so I turned and mouthed the words, "I'M SO SORRY JOEY-JOE"

That's when Old Man McKinley broke out the big guns. B-squad. These were all the fat Guido's who tried to pick up chicks by acting like they were connected. Sure they had the weight to throw around...but I had the moves!!

As the B-squad huffed up the stairs to the stage, I came flying stage left into a WICKED knee slide, hand delivering a swift punch to the balls to all 3 squad members before hopping back to my feet with all the grace of a young Lance Bass. I looked back to see if Donny was watching. Donny was always the bad-ass and I figured he'd be sending a nod my way after those moves, but he was too busy dancin'. I couldn't blame him though.

But my moment in the sun was about to turn into a cold burn as I saw McKinley giving the hand signals for the triple squad take down. (coincidently the hand signals were the same hand signals the Cincinatti Reds used for a bunt in 1976, but let's keep that on the DL).

Soon all available venue personnell were bum rushing the stage. Even Greg Stephens, the kid who works the nacho stand, was coming at me. And let me tell you, I've wanted to take a swing at that bastard ever since I found out he sold an eight ball to the road manager of Hootie and the Blowfish.

It turned into total chaos. Next thing I know, I was punching my best friend in the nose, sweep kicking the soundman, and powerbombing Old Man McKinley. I gave the fight of my life but soon they had me down, and a crew of 8 were now dragging me off the stage right in front of the New Kids. I was humiliated. It was as at that moment that a source of rage overpowered me as I looked up at Jon Knight (the George Harrison of the New Kids in MY book) and I let out a roaring "NOOOOOOOOO" while ripping my event staff t-shirt open Hulk Hogan style, revealing the NKOTB-4-LIFE tattoo that ran across my muscular chest.

As my face hit the same pavement that I threw so many drunken punks onto throughout the best years of my life, Old man McKinley made a point to step on my hand. I looked up at him as he warned me not to show my face around here again. Not even to collect the nights pay. He then flicked his cigar in my face and was escorted back inside by the A squad.

I dusted myself off and began leaning against the back of the building where the crowd of 32 year old single mothers flocked around the NKOTB tour bus. Inside I heard the muffled sounds of the last single of NKOTB's hey-day "Step by Step" starting up and as a single tear ran down my cheek I knew a major chapter in my life had come to an end.

I made my way downtown to grab a drink at Murphy's Lounge. The bouncer tried to tell me I wouldn't be allowed in without a shirt, but when he saw the look of loss on my face he changed his mind and told the bartender the first round was on him.

After last call I decided to walk back to my apartment. There were plenty of cabs around, but I needed time to think. As I walked down Broad street I heard someone yell, "Hey Tough-guy". I looked up and saw the NKOTB tour bus stopped at a red light. I couldn't believe it. Donnie had the window down and was yelling towards me. He actually recognized me.

"Nice moves man. Nice moves." He yelled. He took off his dew rag and through it my way and the bus began to drive off into the night.

I gripped the dew rag in my hand and raised my fist in the air with conviction as I shouted at the bus as it drove away from me forever...."NEW KIIIIIIIDDDSS!!!!"

My housekeeper don't come by no more

2008-11-08T12:21:00.000-08:00

By Angelo

It's been lonely here lately. The only interaction with people since I retired from GM is when my housekeeper comes over once a month.She only needs to clean my kitchen and living room, since I shut down the power to the bathroom, and the guest room's completely off limits because the treadmill already knows too much. I don't let her in my bedroom either. It's too personal for me. And I feel like I would be betraying my ex-wives if I let her in there and she touched my bed or something. So, she charges me $500 a cleaning for the 2 rooms. I figure it's not that bad. With the hassle of getting the cleaning supplies, gas, and just the inconvenience of it all, I'd say it's around the same amount. She got upset at me the other day because I left the toast in the toaster oven for a week and it got moldy. I put it in the toaster oven but then got distracted because I heard crashing outside and I looked through my blinds and it was the trash man who had dropped a bottle I put in the can. It was a bottle of Yoohoo that broke. So, I went outside and cleaned it up so no drivers would swerve to avoid driving over it, crash, and then sue me. So, when I went back in the house , I forgot to turn on the toaster oven. When she got upset with me, I tried to apologize. It didn't end up well. She seemed pretty upset. I like to keep my eye on her when she is there because she might take something or trip and get hurt. So, I stay in the living room while she cleans the kitchen and when she cleans the living room, I stay in the kitchen. But I always end up dirtying the room I am watching her from, so she has to clean it again. She got confused last time and I was in the kitchen when she had to clean the kitchen and I couldn't remember if she had cleaned it the third time or not, so I told her she could go home. She told me it wasn't worth her time and sanity to do this any more even if she gets more working for me than if she whores herself out. So, she left. I don't think she was prostituting in my house but now I am concerned. I always watched her the whole time, but what if there was a sting operation going on. Maybe they think we were having intimate relations in the kitchen or living room. So, in case she left any fingerprints, I hired a Mold Remediation crew to disinfect my kitchen and living room. They told me to leave for a few weeks to let the chemicals dissipate but I have nowhere to go. I have been in my bedroom for a few weeks now. Theres not much to do in here so I've been reading a Readers Digest I found under my bed over and over, and I've had to pee for 3 days. I tried leaving the bedroom to get some coffee but my eyes started burning and I had a rash on my face in less than 30 seconds. It's been a while since I been out of the house. But that's ok. It's just too bad my housekeeper don't come by no more.

3OrangeWhipples Presents: The Trilogy of Terror ACT III

2008-10-27T05:53:00.001-07:00

So it appears that you made it through the horrifying tale of Count Groovula, and the story of Nuclear Walkman-Man may have only enticed your taste for terror. Well then the boys at 3OW got a story that is so mortifying, even your funky-ass moderator can't handle this shit. So brace yourself for the third and FINAL ACT of the 3OW trilogy of terror....The Devil vs. Gene Shallett!! BWUHAHAHAHA!!!

The Devil vs. Gene Shalett

2008-10-27T05:46:00.000-07:00

In honor of the upcoming election, I'd like to take some questions from our listeners regarding some of the issues. Here we have 2 experts who are well-known and not affiliated with any party. First, we have The Devil. Known to many as Lucifer, the Devil has a degree from Duke University and has a long record, from attempting to assassinate the Pope and introducing reality shows to American television. Second, we have Gene Shallett. Gene is a world-reknown movie critic famous for his humorous reviews on early morning shows. Genetleman, good evening. Our first call is from Sandra in Nebraska. She asks, "How would unite the country and eliniate partisanship" Devil, I'll start with you.

"Thanks Bobby. Well, I think the key to unity in this country is cocaine. Now, I know what you are thinking. Oh, it's just the devil being the devil and whatever he says isn't true. Well that's BULLSHIT REEGER! Anyway, cocaine is the only thing that white, god fearing aristocrats and poor black people have in common. They all like it. One sells to the other. It's simple. This would in turn increase our participation in NAFTA and relations with Colombia an put additional pressure on the Socialist government of Venezuela led by Hugo Chavez, tax immigrants smuggling cocaine in the US, and increase productivity.

"Interesting."

Gene?

"Well, Apparently the Devil wears Prada, because the last time Cocaine did anything for us was Tommy Boy. Listen I'm all for Pumping Up the Volume in the West Wing, but when you start letting Drugstore Cowboys hang out Where the Buffalo Roam then you got Problem Child 2. I think the Short Circuit in this country is related to one Thing. That's ignoring the Buddy System. Sure, we have Irreconcilable Differences but if our Children of the Corn unite with our City Slickers then we can become friends. You might say we have Nothing in Common, however, Trading Places for one minute will make all our differences Gone in 60 seconds.

Another viewer asked how do we tackle terrorism while also building our economy. This is from Jake in California.

Devil, I"ll start with you.

"Gene, if it weren't for my love for the smell of popcorn, you'd be a goner. And that deal we made regarding your Fame, it's off! Terrorism is cool man. I haven't had this much fun since the medieval times. It's like and action movie for me. People Blowing up each other. What a rush. Makes me want to do what I talked about in my first answer. As for the economy. I don't go there. I can make people rich and poor but the economy is like a boring version of me making you bet your house on a roulette wheel. Actually, it's kind of inhumane, if you ask me. My style is quick. I make you a rock star, you become rich and famous. Next thing you're broke and doing covers of your own songs at Happy Hour at Chili's. So, I don't know. It's just kind of not my genre."

Gene?

"Well, terrorism is a tricky thing. We have our Delta Forces infiltrating Behind Enemy Lines. It's the terrain, mountinaous. These Hills have Eyes I tell you. And when we engage the Village, sometimes these foreigners are Unfaithful. When W. said Bring It On. He meant every word of it. Those terrorists were Running Scared in Every Which Way But Loose. They have Nowhere to Run and No Way Out. So, our Warriors must be the Brave One and your average Joe Dirt and Private Benjamin have to get Bustin' Loose. Cause if they don't use their wits, they'll be Better Off Dead What we need is for these Leatherheads to come home to the American dream. For a Universal Soldier that was Born in East L.A., to come home to a job at DC Cab or even become a Mr. Mom watching the House and Kids while their wife is working at Mystic Pizza from 9 to 5 is the Best of the Best."

Mike from Brownsville Texas asks our commentators, 'controlling the borders is not only an issue of national security, but it also poses as a drain on our economy. What would you do to help secure our Borders.' I would actually like to let Mr. Shallett give the first response. Gene...

"When The Mexican feels a little Footloose and decides that Coming to America will be A Walk to Remember, make no mistake, these people ain't Searching for Bobby Fisher, they're after Easy Money. Problem is it's rightfully Other Peoples Money. And it won't take long before these Wonderboys starting getting a little Stir Crazy and start looking for some Hanky Panky. Soon enough your daughter's KNOCKED UP, and you find yourself GOING APES. But when the government's attempt to deport these Aliens turns into a Failure to Launch, good Americans like You, Me, and Dupree start feeling like Tough Guys and agree it's time to go Commando. So much so that we start spend so much time committed to the cause that we're practically Married To The Mob. So you tell these Ruthless People I think it's time for you to be Leaving Las Vegas, but they say Not Without My Daughter and now your locked in a real Catch 22. It's Risky Business for sure, but as Americans We gotta let these Meatballs know...they're the Outsiders.

Devil, would you like to respond? Devil?

"It looks like the Devil is in some type of Coma. I'd say this debate was a Victory for Shallet. I can't answer any more questions anyway. I left my daughter Home Alone. I have to make a call but my Cell is not working. I can't call from the Phone Booth down there because there are Men At Work making too much noise. So, I'll have to get a Taxi and probably am going to get stuck in Rush Hour. So, thank you for your time. I have to Go."

"There you have it. We'll see you next in the next round with Shallet vs. the next contender. Don't forget to vote on November 4th."

Three Orange Whipples Presents: the Trilogy of Terror ACT II

2008-10-16T19:56:00.000-07:00

So it appears that you're brave enough to return for ACT II of the Trilogy of Terror!! Well if Nuclear Walkman-man didn't scare you to your core, than I warn you, 'Count Groovula: the Psychadelic Bloodsucker' is gonna MUTHAFUNKA!!!

Count Groovula: The Psychadelic Bloodsucker‏

2008-10-16T19:54:00.000-07:00

An Expose on the latest threat to the youth of America

by Gordon T. Appollo

Meet George and Pauline Faulkner. They are a typical couple in these modern times...George a forklift operator at a local automobile plant while Pauline makes a fine homemaker.

They sit in the parlor of their modest house in the suburban outskirts of Detroit, holding a picture of their oldest son Lenny.

Like so many parents in 1967, George and Pauline have not seen their oldest Son in quite some time. They stay awake late into the night worrying about his where abouts and general wellbeing;George punching doors while Pauline clutches her Rosary Beads.

The reason for all this worry? Well let's just say that he's not honorably fighting off the Communist Reds in Vietnam. No, like many of our nations troubled youth, Lenny grew his hair long like a girl and started listening to Rock groups like Strawberry Alarm Clock and the Dave Clark Five.Not long after that, Lenny ran off to San Francisco, seeking to sabotage the American way of life.

And George and Pauline are not alone in their distress...

The numbers of teenagers who have deserted their families to join the hippy counterculture in the last year have been staggering. It has been estimated that by 1971, 87% of American's between the ages of 14 to 29 will be living on the streets of San Francisco. And once they get there, they will be introduced to a life of excessive indulgance in Pyschadelic drugs, such as Morning Glory Seeds, Magic Mushrooms, and the dreaded LSD 25.

And as if that isn't a terrifying notion enough, there is a new threat facing the estimated 2 million teenagers that have fled to the Height Ashbury disctrict of San Francisco. And this new threat has locked it's sights on the jugular of the "love generation".

Since 1622 Count Vladimir the XIV has lived an almost urban legend like existince of an Eastern European vampire. Today,he goes by the name Count Groovula, and he spends his nights lurking the streets of the Height Ashbury disctrict searching for victims. Specifically young runaway's trying to break in to the hippy scene.

I recently sat down with both George and Pauline, as well as Count Groovula for an exclusive interview. I feel it is my duty to warn you, this interview will terrify you to your very CORE!

"George, Pauline...let me thank you for letting me into your home, and may I extend my deepest sympathy.It must be very hard for you to face your neighbors."

"Thank you Sir." Replied George

"Now, I must warn you I will be introducing you to Count Groovula in just a few minutes, but first... tell me about Lenny."

"Well Lenny always was a good boy, and we hope he's alright.Lenny if your reading this we love you, please just come home." Pauline stated before her husband interrupted.

"He's a GODDAMN BUM!!

"What's that now?" I asked

"You heard me!...LENNY! He's A NO GOOD BUM!!And when he comes home with his tail between his legs he's gonna get the BELT SO HARD THAT HE'S GONNA..."

"GEORGE!! Please this is going to be in Life Magazine." Pauline pleaded

"I'm sorry Honey. It's just that I get so GODDD-DAMMMN FRUSTRATED!!!IF YOU'RE READING THIS LENNY, I KNOW YOU'RE ON THE POT!!"George then stood and paced back and forth,rubbing his hands through his receeding hairline."Jesus Christ, I knew letting him watch that fuckin Ed Sullivan Show was a bad idea...I OUGHTTA KICK ED SULLIVAN's ASS YOU KNOW!! I REALLY OUGHTA JUST KICK SULLIVAN'S..."

"GEORGE PLEASE THAT'S ENOUGH!!" His wife insisted.

After a brief moment to let George cool down I sent my assistant Johnny to get Count Groovula who had been patiently waiting in the Faulkners garage.

The count made his way into the parlor; his presence nothing short of horrifying.

He still wears his traditional 17th century suit,which he has now completely tie-dyed with a bright purple cape. He flashes his fangs and a peace sign at the time...truly terrifying.

"Count Vladimir"I started

"My name is COUNT GROOVULA"

"OK, Count Groovula it is then. How long have you been living in San Francisco?"

"Since 19 hundred and 65. Right after I started listening to those DAMN ROLLING STONES the kids like so much."

"I'm sorry, but Count, you look so familiar. Where do I know you from?" Pauline interrupted.

"You don't know me. You DEFINITELY DON'T KNOW ME" He replied

"Tell us Count Groovula, what is it like being a vampire in San Francisco?" I asked.

"Are you kidding me Buster? San Francisco is really the cat's Meow."

"UMMM don't you mean it's Far Out COUNT GROOVULA?!?!"

"Right...Right on. San Francisco is Far Out."

"And just what is so "FAR OUT" about San Francisco."

"Look it's real easy for a fella like me out there. I see one of those damn long hairs, I bite his neck and then I'm high on LSD all night. What's not far out about that?"

"I'll tell you what's not "FAR OUT" about that! You got these mixed up kids who are out wandering around these San Francisco flop house's, and before they're even able to come to their sense's they're murdered by Vampires in some dark alley."

"Well hey, I don't always kill them. Some of them just turn into vampires too."

"So you're not the only hippy vampire out there?"

"Oh no. Not anymore. I was at first. And then I bit this one young fella's neck who was on Acid, and it got ME stoned too. I spent the whole night grooving out to Strawberry Alarm Clock and the Dave Clark Five. The next day I realized that I had stumbled upon LSD, and all it takes is one trip to get addicted."

"If you had to guess, Count Groovula, just how many hippy vampires are now living in San Francisco?"

"Oh...I don't know. I guess about 60,000 or so."

"That is a truly terrifying thought."

"Of course it is. To a SQUARE like YOU!!"

"I GOT IT, St. Theresa's right!! You're the man that used to sit near the back and try to sneak out early" Pauline interrupted

"Look, Lady I told you don't know me now quit yer pesterin'." Replied Groovula

"Getting back to the interview"I continued" Recent rumors have circulated at an attempt to discredit tales of kids under the influence of an acid trip jumping off of buildings because they thought they could fly. Have YOU ever jumped from a building thinking you could fly due to a bad LSD trip?"

"OH YEAH,All the time!! but I just turn into a bat. But I've seen lots of kids jump off of buildings while they were on....hey listen. I aint had a bite all day, I see you got some powdered doughnuts on the counter. Would you mind if i just grab one Mrs. Faulkner? Is that alright with you Appollo, lets take 5 huh?"

"UMM NO COUNT GROOVULA, VAMPIRES ONLY DRINK BLOOD REMEMBER?!?!" I reminded Groovula

"Hey Fuck you Buster, I'm taking five for a doughnut and a smoke.You got any beers in there George?"

"OH MY GOD YOU'RE WALTER MATHAU!! That's how I know you. Can you believe it George, Walter Matthau is in our home."

"Well Holy Smoke, it IS Walter Matthau!! Wait'll I tell the guys at the plant."

"I'm NOT WALTER MATTHAU, I'M COUNT GROOVULA."

"Yes that's right, this is the dreaded Count Groovula, the latest terror to our nations youth." I added

"We just LOVED you in 'A Guide For the Married Man'."Pauline added

"OH YEAH THAT WAS A REAL HOOT!!Great job Matthau"

"Look for the last time my name is COUNT GROOVULA I'm a hippy vampire from San Francisco, NOT WALTER MATTHAU."

"Pauline get the camera let's get a picture with Matthau. Boy is your old man gonna be jealous."

"It's true, my father is such a fan of your work."

I attempted to regain control of the interview

"Look lets settle down and get back to the interview with Count Groovula, please Pauline, just put the camera away, the man's a vampire he doesn't show up on film."

"Oh to hell with it. Johnny take me to the Bus Stop." Groovula stated as he walked out without saying goodbye.

I now fear the worse, as Groovula has evaded my original plans to set him up to be arrested and is on his way back to San Francisco where the crime rate is so high, there is virtually no way of apprehending a murderer.

So to the parents of American teenagers I'll just say this; I urge you to stop your kids from joining the hippy counterculture. If not for the sake of their own lives, for the sake of the country. After all, there are now an estimated 60,000 vampires living in the U.S. all thanks to those DAMN LONGHAIRS.

Nuclear Walkman-Man

2008-10-01T23:47:00.000-07:00

David Thorne was an MIT student doing an internship at the Northeastern Nuclear Power Research Center during the great radiation leak of 1988. While the alarms blared, and the facility was evacuated, young David sat through the entire incident, unaware of the catastrophy he was enduring. He never heard the alarms because he had his walkman on full volume; a mixed tape of Huey Lewis and the News kept him distracted. By the time he made it out of the toxic site he was devoured by radio-active molecules which had permanently fused his DNA with the now SUPER-CHARGED walkman; the batteries of which would NEVER DIE.

David survived the incident and went on to become a world renown scientist, despite the fact that the incident had left him with his walkman permanently fused into his writing hand.The Huey Lewis mix tape blares through the headphones he can never remove from his ears to this very day.Brilliant, resilliant, radioactive. David Thorne IS......Nuclear Walkman-Man!!!

We join our hero at a commencement ceremony welcoming him to his new job as a librarian at the East Greenwich Public Library in East Greenwich Rhode Island.
Governor Don Carcieri puts on a shit eating grin and takes the podium as onlookers including the class of 2010 at the East Greenwich middle school look on...

"Ladies and Gentleman, boys and girls, and all-round friends of the Library, It is with my deepest honor today to welcome the world renowned nuclear physicist David Thorne into our community as an ambassador to our educational and cultural resources and development."

As the crowd burst into applause, 13 year old Charlie Majors stands with his best friend Dyllan Johnson and begin joking around as they try to kill the boredom of this field trip to their town library.

"Dude I dare you to call the Governor a douchebag." says Charlie

"No way, I'll totally get busted. You do it. You haven't had inhouse all month."

"Give me a buck and I'll do it."

"Deal"

"And as proud governor of the Ocean State I made sure those workers lost their pensions, which are now paying for such things as snacks to be served at today's event..."

"DOUCHEBAG"

The Governors shit eating grin grew twice as large as he gave a thumbs up to the crowd.

"Let's cut to the chase and welcome the REAL man of honor here today, Please welcome, YOUR NEW LIBRARIAN, Proffessor David Thorne"

The crowd burst into applause as this prestigous member of the scientific community was welcomed into their local community. As David came out waving his walkman hand "hello" to the audience, the applause grew to an awkward silence. Governor Carcieri reached out to shake David's hand and was met in return with his walkman, which he shook while pretending to get an electric shock from. The shit eating grin came back for this sure-fire photo-op, and the crowd grew completely silent from their own shock and braced themselves for Davids acceptace speech.

David made his way to the podium but tried to gauge where to stand, slightly self conscious of the fact that the noise of the walkman would not only blare over the speakers, but also aware of his own habit of constantly yelling over his Walkman. He found his spot and dove right in.

"THANK YOU EAST GREENWICH, IT'S REALLY GREAT TO BE HERE, GREAT TO BE A LIBRARIAN, GREAT TO BE YOUR LIBRARIAN I SHOULD SAY"

IT'S HIP TO BE SQARE....HIP TO BE SQUAARE

Governor Carcieri quickly cuts in to his space to wrap up the ceremony.

"And the State of Rhode Island thanks you David. Now let's go enjoy the library everyone. HECK, I might even rent a DVD - HA,HA,HA" - the shit eating grin was larger then ever as he attempted to cut the awkward tension of the now bewildered crowd."Lets get the hell out of here" he then whispered to his assistant and was quickly driven away in the back of a Limo.

Inside the library David took his post behind the main desk. He folded his arms to make his presence known - he would be a no nonsense Librarian.

The Middle School kids as well as the adults browsed for books and as he came near they buried their face in the first book in front of him, all but two people did that...Charlie and Dyllan.

David made his way to the 2 class clowns who were sitting at a table sending obscene text messages to their female classmates and laughing, disturbing the other readers.

"HEY THIS IS A LIBRARY THERES NO CLOWNING AROUND IN HERE. PEOPLE ARE HERE TO READ AND YOUR DISTURBING THEM, SO KEEP IT DOWN."

-Where else can you do a half a million things, all at a quarter to three

"I'm sorry I can't hear you buddy you want to turn that IPOD down"

"IPOD!! WHAT THE...IPOD!!! YOU LITTLE MOTHERFUCKERS!!"

"Hey, Hey, that's enough." chimed in Ms. Williams, the boys Science teacher and field trip chaperone.

"WELL THEY STARTED IT."

"I don't care WHO started you don't talk to my students like that."

"WHAT DO YOU JUST LET THEM RUN BUTT FUCKER WILD OR SOMETHING? I MEAN WHAT KIND OF TEACHER ARE YOU ANYWAYS LADY? YOU KNOW BACK AT MIT WHEN I WAS A PROFFESSOR SOME FUCKING JACKASS MADE A FACE AT ME, YOU KNOW MAKING FUN OF ME, MAKING FUN OF HUEY LEWIS,I DON'T KNOW, MAKING FUN OF SOMETHING, AND I STALKED HIM FOR A MONTH UNTIL I FOUND HIM AT A BAR IN CAMBRIDGE AND I SLASHED THE TIRES ON HIS WHELLCHAIR"

-Don't take money, don't take fame, don't take no credit card to ride on this train...

"Ohh myyy Goddd, you are a lunatic Mister and I'm gonna petition to have you fired from this library."

"HA! GOOD LUCK WITH THAT! YOU CAN'T FIRE ME I GOT CARCIERI IN MY BACK POCKET COMPLETELY PAYING HIM OFF HAVE BEEN EVER SINCE I MET HIM WHEN WE GAVE THE GRADUATION SPEECH FOR BROWN UNIVERSITY IN 2004! I OWN CARCIERI. HE'S MY BITCH, AND NOW YOU KNOW BUT WHO WILL EVER BELIEVE YOU!!!"

It was then that David remembered he was yelling over a walkman in front of a room full of witnesses and the entire library grew completely silent...

-Yes it's truuuueee
- I'm So Happy to be Stuck With You...

3OrangeWhipples Presents: The 2nd Annual Trilogy of Terror

2008-10-01T23:35:00.000-07:00

Let us here at 3OW be the first to say HAPPY HALLOWEEN MUTHAFUNKA'S

This month our stories will be particualarly twisted in honor of the proud tradition of the trilogy of terror!!!!READ THEM AT YOUR OWN FUNKIN' RISK!!!!

Why Tom Hanks movies and Crystal Meth don't mix‏

2008-09-24T19:02:00.000-07:00

By Josh Baskin -President of the One Hanks Commission for a Brighter Tomorow (prisoner # ACI441-220R)

If you ask me why I started smoking Crystal Meth, I'd tell you because it lasts longer than Crack. If you ask me why I started smoking Crack, I'd tell you because it was more intense than Coke. If you ask me why I forced Craig Hanks to change his name to Craig Jones at gunpoint, i'd tell you because Tom Hanks is the fucking MAN!!

You see, I am currently incarcerated, which, not to sound cliche, makes you really think about the things you've done with your life. The good, the bad, the ugly, and in some case's, if you've been convicted of the right crime, the righteous.

Now if I were to tell you that maybe there was a bright side to all that Meth I was doing,you'd think I was crazy. And if I were to be so blunt as to say that perhaps all addiction has it's place in this world, despite the damage it does to a mans soul, his family, and his society,...well, you'd probably just call that a bunch of bullshit. But the way I see it, theres a lot to be said about the moment a man finally has his moment of clarity. And for me, that moment of clarity came both 3 days deep into an ice binge and 25 minutes into "The Man With One Red Shoe".

There I was in my basement apartment, pipe in hand, pile of ice like a fuckin' glacier on the t.v tray, and Tom Hanks on the tube. "FUCKIN' BRILLIANT" I exclaimed through an exhale."HANDS DOWN!!THIS MOVIE IS FUCKIN INTENSE!!!" I must have exclaimed it too loud though, because my neighbor, Mrs. Fabien, gave the floor a whack and told me to keep it down, calling me a goddamn cracksmoker. (cracksmoker-pssshh)

But I would not keep it down.No way. Not this time.

"WHY DON'T YOU WAKE UP MRS FABIEN!! WHY DON'T YOU OPEN YOUR FUCKIN' EYES AND WAKE UP.TOM HANKS IS A NATIONAL TREASURE!! THIS RED SHOE SHOULD BE IN THE FUCKIN' SMITHSONIAN!!!AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT IT? HUH? WHATS ARE ANY OF US DOING ABOUT IT!?!? HUH!?!?"

She slammed the floor again and told me to shut the fuck up or she'd call the cops, but I was on to something, and DAMNIT, I was gonna convince Mrs. Fabien that I was right....

"ARE YOU FUCKIN' SERIOUS LADY?!?! CALL THE COPS?!?! FOR WHAT?!?! HONORING A NATIONAL TREASURE?!?! I MEAN COME ON. WHO ELSE BUT TOM HANKS COULD TEACH SALLY FIELDS TO BE A STAND UP COMEDIAN? NOT YOU!! THAT'S FOR FUCKIN' SURE!!!"

Within minutes there was a pounding at the door from the Police demanding I open up.

And there I was...centered in my moment of clarity.

I had been watching Tom Hanks movies for 88 straight hours now since I scored my last quarter pound of Crank, and after arguing with several of my regular customers, Mrs. Fabien,Mr. Fabien, Mrs. Fabiens son Doug, and even after enduring a phsical altercation with Beatrice (my mail-lady) I realized, people don't give Tom Hanks the respect that he deserves. WELL THAT WAS ABOUT TO CHANGE...

I quickly pushed my entertainment center and Marshall half stack in front of the door, rounded up all my crank, and after smashing the window of my basement apartment and climbing out, I decided then and there that I would be the founder of the One Hanks Commission for a Brighter Tommorow.

I got on the phone with my lawyer. I knew it was late but DAMNIT this was important!!

"Jesus Christ Marc, it's 4:30 in the morning. This better be good" My attorney stated as he answered the phone. I really had no time to explain the details. I was busy running from the cops and I needed a hit, so I cut to the chase.

"Meet me behind the dumpster at the KFC on Garfield Ave....Oh and bring a notary of the public....9AM SHARP"

CLICK

I made a clean getaway and made it to the dumpster. I knew time was tight and I had better get my plan ready.Luckily sleep was out of the question anyways.

I leaned against the dumpster and drew out my plan using a packet of Ranch dressing on a piece of cardboard. I pondered signing it in blood to make it official, and after a real POWERHIT, I realized it was a good idea just to lose a little blood. You know...to help get fucked up.

At quarter to 9 my attorney showed up with a dude named Roy Ryan sitting in the backseat. I knew Roy. Good choice for a notary of the public.

I hopped in the front seat, took a hit that could smoke out the Bronx, pulled out my 9mm and assured them that I would be their only client for the day. I then asked my attorney to pull into the Starbucks where I proceeded to buy us all a round of latte's...just to show I was a cool guy.

After showing them the plan I had laid out in Ranch dressing we were soon on our way to hold up the social security office and force anybody with the last name of Hanks to change it. My attorney tried reasoning with me by stating the odds of finding anyone with the last name Hanks were slim to none, but when you smoke enough Meth, you pretty much become psychic. And sure enough I was right.

"EVERYBODY BE COOL AND NOBODY GET'S HURT!!" I yelled as we entered the social security office while putting a round into the floor." I WANNA SEE ID'S NOW!! NOW!! NOW!!"

The mostly elderly crowd were quite startled as I rounded them up inside the office along with my attorney and Notary.

After taking a MONSTER pull off my ice-pipe I explained that I was not out to hurt anyone.However, the way I saw it, nobody in the U.S. of A. deserved the last name Hanks unless they starred in TV's Bosom Buddies, which left out everybody in the country except 1 guy who's name I don't know.

It was then that I saw an elderly gentleman attempting to sneak out.

"STOP THAT GUY ROY!!!" I yelled while exhaling

Fuckin Roy. The guy just stood there. So luckily I had a sudden burst of energy and pounced.I tackled the old man, rolled him on his stomach and stole his wallet. Sure enough I found him....CRAIG HANKS!!

I held the 9mm to his held and asked him where the fuck he got off stealing the honorable Tom Hanks name. He just sat there looking like there was something wrong with ME.

I ordered the clerk to draw up some papers with my attorney for a legal name change including a new Social Security number. Thats when Craig "Hanks" started in with the whining. 'how dare you make me give up my name! My father stormed the beaches of Normandy'

"YEAH WELL DID YOUR FATHER SAVE PRIVATE RYAN ONCE HE GOT THERE !!!" I quickly replied. That shut him the fuck up.

Just as Roy stamped the paperwork officially bringing America officially closer to a One Hanks America the phone rang. It was the cops.

"Come on out you fuckin crackhead your surrounded" I was told by a Seargant Jennings

"I aint a fuckin Crackhead you asshole I do Meth!" I proudly corrected him.

After some more juvenile namecalling we got down to business. He asked me my demands and I told him I wanted to watch Splash. The name calling resumed after that.

After consulting with my attorney I realized I wouldn't walk away on this one. I let everyone out but my attorney, Roy, the clerk, and Craig Jones. I smoked as much Ice as I ever have in a 5 minute period and got back on with Jennings.

"OK PIG, this is what we're gonna do. You're gonna take me alive THIS TIME, but you'll never take the Commission. My last demand is that I get to change my name to a Hanks character."

"OK PUNK!! But on 1 condition. It can't be Charlie Wilson."

Although I didn't understand why he insisted on this condition I agreed to it. 10 minutes later, I was no longer Marc Leclair. I was Josh Baskin. 15 minutes later I was arrested, beaten severely, and finally began coming down...what a fuckin' bummer.

So here I am incarcerated just shy of 6 hard years later. Do I have any regrets, sure I do. I shouldn't have signed my plan in blood. Just gave the DA more to work with. But what are you gonna do.

Other than that I stand by the Commission to this very day. I have yet to gain any other members at the time of this writing, but I remain optimistic. After all, if theres one thing prison teaches a man it's that if you get the Latin Kings on your side, you can accomplish anything.

I don't want any trouble from the cable company‏

2008-09-17T02:09:00.000-07:00

By Angelo

There's been a lot of cable trucks driving by my townhouse lately. At first I was only slightly concearned by this, seeing as how I didn't have cable. When I received a flyer from Cox Cable telling me that stealing cable is a federal offense carrying penalties of 1 year in prison and up to $10, 000.00 in fines, I realized I better not take any chances. I decided to contact Cox cable and let them know that I got their message loud and clear. However since I don't use the telephone, I had to walk to the local service office which was 6 miles away. By the time I arrived I decided it would probably be for the best for all of us if I just went ahead and order the cable. That way at least I'll have a paper trail showing that I've complied. The man at the counter offered to set me up with a deluxe digital package which included every movie channel offered by Cox, plus a DVR to record television shows on my own schedule. I said it didn't really matter because I won't be turning my television on anyway. If they can tap an ordinary telephone line, who knows what they're capable of with a fiber optic cable. Then he told me I'd have to let an installer into the house to hook up the cable, and I got really uncomfortable. I says to him "look, just send me the bill and I'll pay it" but he wouldn't go for it. Finally I just told him "l guess theres nothing I can do, if I gotta get the cable then I gotta get the cable.". The man at the counter said "you don't HAVE to get cable" to me. I said "yeah right Buddy, do I look like I was born yesterday?"...well I didn't really say that. But I thought it.

So the following Tuesday a guy named Tony came to my townhouse to install the cable. He told me he needed to get into my spare bedroom to run the cable to the utility pole out front.I wasn't cool with that at all, but he wouldn't listen when I told him he "could if he really had to, but I'd really prefer that he didn't".I heard some voices while he was in there, and I know he was talking to my treadmill.By that time I had locked myself in the bathroom and barracaded the door with a hamper. I asked him politely not to talk to the treadmill, but he made up a lie about trying to reach his dispatcher on his Nextel. I watched him like a hawk the whole time he was outside from the side of my bathroom window. I'm pretty sure he hooked up a camera on the utility pole outside but I wasn't gonna say anything to him about it. Once he left, I unplugged the television and draped a thick quilt over it after turning it completely around. Now I gotta pay $114.92 every month for the Cox digital deluxe cable plus DVR package and I can't even watch my television anymore.It's too bad because I used to like to watch the ballgame when it was on. But it's all for the best. I just don't want any trouble from the cable company.

Dill Doughnuts

2008-09-05T19:56:00.000-07:00

By Don Neely

I've never been much of a business man, although I'd like to be. One thing I am however is a guy who is hip with whats "in" in America. And in these modern times, the do it yourself empowerment of Emeril Lugassi mixed with the sudden influx of Whole Foods has given Americans a love for good organic foods with healthy ingrediants. So naturally I decided to use the latest health rage to my own advantage.

Now some folks got themselves a real sweet tooth if you know what I'm saying. Well I been told that I got a whole mouth full of sweet teeth. So that being said, I began asking myself, how can a guy like me, (you know a man of the times) satisfy said sweet teeth in an organic and healthy manner? So to Whole Foods I went.

I was pleasantly surprised with the amount of baked goods and pastry they had using alternative organic flour, however I did not find any doughnuts (you see doughnuts are my only vice). So I asked myself, "OK Donny, what would Emeril do now?" Well I tell you what he'd do. He'd make his OWN doughnuts, and he'd make a million bucks too. So that's what I was gonna do.

So to the drawing board I went. Being such a trend savy guy I knew that if I could invent an organic doughnut using creatively healthy ingrediants, I could get Whole Foods to sell them and make me rich.

So after a few days in the kitchen using the finest ingrediants Whole Foods sells, I cracked the recipe for Donny's Organic Doughnuts first official doughnut.

I figured I'd start off with the recipe that I came up with using Dill. I discovered that Dill gives doughnuts a real unexpected zesty flavor. And besides the Chili Powder doughnut just wasn't working out.Not yet anyway. Needs some tweaking.

Now like I said before, I'm not much of a business man, but I figured 'Donny, if your gonna sell a doughnut, you better get out there and make some phone calls'. So I get a phone number for a buyer at Whole Foods corporate and I made my very first sales call.

"Whole Foods new accounts purchasing you're speaking to Melinda how can I help you"

Stay cool Donnie, I thought to myself.

"Hey there Melinda, Donny here with an offer you just can't say no to."

"OK Donnie, I'm listening what do you got."

"DILLDOUGHNUTS!!!"

"EXCUSE ME?!?!"

"I gotta big ol' sacka DillDoughnuts here that are gonna make your mouth water."

"AHHHH..."

"Melinda I am LITERALLY HOLDING MY DILLDOUGHNUTS IN MY HANDS AS WE SPEAK, and let me tell ya Melinda...I want these DILLDOUGHNUTS IN MY MOUTH. I want YOU to want my DILLDOUGHNUTS, and most of all Melinda I want to see the faces of all those whole foods customers when I show up at Whole Foods and wip out my DILLDOUGHNUTS."

"SIR I REALLY DON'T THINK..."

"I'm gonna say come on and get one of Big Don's GIANT DILLDOUGHNUTS."

"UMMMMMM...."

"Come on Melinda. You'll love these giant DILLDOUGHNUTS so much that when you reach the middle, you'll tell yourself, 'If there was a way, I'd eat the hole too.'"

"Listen SIR I really don't think our customers are going to..."

"OH I KNOW what your customers are gonna do. It's gonna be a grand ol' day that EVERYONE'S gonna remember,when I display my DILLDOUGHNUTS down there at that Whole Foods. Come on Melinda close your eyes and picture it like I am doing right now. First a single mother comes by with little Johnny, who's like 'Mommy,Mommy what are THOSE', and of course being the enlightened mother, she'll look at my DILLDOUGHNUTS and say to little Johnny, 'NO!!' And I'll say, 'come on MOM, THESE DILLDOUGHNUTS ARE GOOD FOR THE BOY!! They'll put hair on his chest.' And LOOK MELINDA, here comes Granny, and she's saying, you know sonny It's been such a long long time since I've had anything like that, because you know I AM OLDER, but after just one look at those big tasty DILLDOUGHNUTS I JUST CAN'T RESIST. GO AHEAD AND PUT IT IN MY MOUTH AND I'LL PAY YOU WHATEVER YOU WANT!! And theres her husband, and HE SERVED HIS COUNTRY IN VIETNAM MELINDA!!! AND HE SAY's SAME HERE BOY GIVE ME THOSE DILLDOUGHNUTS I'm GOOD FOR THE MONEY, but I'll SAY NO SIR, I WILL NOT TAKE MONEY FROM A VETERAN FOR A TASTE OF BIG DON'S DILLDOUGHNUTS, THAT'S WHERE I DRAW THE LINE, I'M A MAN OF PRINCIPLE..."

CLICK!!!

"Damnit Donnie, you just can't keep your cool can ya" I asked myself. But you know something...SCREW WHOLE FOODS!! If they won't let me put my DILLDOUGHNUTS on their shelves because I refuse to charge a veteran then I don't need them anyway.

I guess that's just why I'm not a good business man. I got too much scruples. And even though I never sold doughnut one, I learned a valuable lesson about business. And at least I tried. But what are you gonna do. It's a free country and I can't force my DILLDOUGHNUTS on anyone.

Not without my Roomba

2008-08-26T20:42:00.000-07:00

"Look at 'em go. He's got a future in NASCAR I tell you..What a horse!!! Got his old man's heart. Not like you Jerry, you deadbeat loser.You're a softy like all your cousins. Not my nephews, I say. That's all your mothers screwed up DNA, just like you.Not my new little buddy J.R. here though... he's a sportsfan ANY father can be proud of!! J.R. got his daddy's good looks too. Don't Ya? I thought so. How about a steak little fella? Medium-rare, right?How 'bot a little bit a that extra juice on the side? Goddamn, just look at him. Jerry here's a hot dog."

"Linda, how about kicking Jerry out of his room and making some room for J.R. He's been with us long enough that he shows a responsibility our son Jerry doesn't have. I'll put a coat of fresh paint on the walls too. !"

"Jerry, you gotta move into the garage. Now git yer stuff and get moving. J.R.'s gotta go to sleep soon or his battery will die."

"Fucking Roomba. I hate that thing." Jerry had been verbally abused since his dad got the robotic vacuum. All the medals Jerry won in football, the honor roll, none of it mattered. His dad loved the Roomba more than him.

"You hear that Son! J.R. just finished cleaning the house! Yells Jerry's dad as he points to his nemesis, the Roomba. "God damn thing does more than you!. We're going out for a couple of beers. You stay here and watch your sister.

Jerry's dad stormed out with the Roomba following him.

The phone rings an hour later. Jerry picks up, "Zouuuuuuuu"" "Haha, Jerry , that's the Roomba telling you to fuck off. We're loaded! Boy can J.R. drink. Takes after his old man.! Did I ever tell you that your outta my will. That's right. Ol' Roombie is in there now. He gets the house and the Mercedes. " Click.

The phone rings again. "Jerry can you vacuum the hallway. I'm gonna give J.R. the night off. He's too drunk anyway. He might run into a wall or something and you know he ain't covered by my insurance. We'l l be home right after we go to the titty bar."

"Hey Jerry, can you come pick us up? Turns out J.R. is quite the ladies man. We picked up some babes but J.R.'s dust bin got filled up with the 'pubes, know what I'm saying? Nevermind. You couldn't find this place anyway, you dumb shit."

The next morning Jerry walked into the kitchen and his dad and the Roomba were cuddled together beneath a case of Bud. Jerry had enough. He picked up the sledgehammer from the garage and went into he kitchen. He had a rage he had never felt before. As he came in the front, his dad was standing there.

"Now, what do you think you're doing with that, boy?" I hope you ain't gonna do something you'll regret. Because I regret every second I have to look at your miserable face. As the tears ran down Jerry's face, his feet go knocked out from under him and he fell on his ass.

"That's right J.R.. Knock his pansy ass down! J.R. continued to ram Jerry in the mouth and nuts. J.R. kept coming. Jerry got to his feet and grabbed J.R. and brought him in the backyard. He threw the Roomba into their aboveground pool."

"Nooooo!!!" yelled Jerry's dad. He dove in the pool and swam underwater. 2 minutes later he came up with the Roomba. ?HE placed on the lawn and called 911. "HELP! NO! HELP!. He tried CPR but it was of no use. J.R. was gone.

"My only son! My only son! Not like this..Not like this.."

Jerry's dad filed charges against his son but they did not hold up in court. Jerry and his dad do not speak to this day.

J.R. is buried in Overhill Cemetary with an empty plot next to him for Jerry's dad. His dad thought about cremating him, but that's not what J.R. would have wanted since he would become the very thing he vacuumed. So, he was buried with an empty plot beside him reserved for Jerry's dad. The Roomba's headstone reds "J.R. , sucked up life, one room at a time."

You Can't Touch My Prices!!!

2008-08-14T22:27:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody Dan Marino here - YES THE Dan Marino of Marino's Marina Supply, reminding you that with the recession as bad as it is, and the high cost of fuel sky-sky-SKYROCKETING, never has there EVER been a better time to NOT BUY A BOAT!! That's right you heard it straight from Uncle Danny's mouth. Stretch your entertainment budget for every penny you got!!wanna impress your new girlfriend?Then you should take her down to Epcott, they've really fixed the place up. STICK IT TO THE MAN!! BOYCOTT GAS CONSUMING HOBBIES and for GOD'S SAKE...DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT BUYING A BOAT from Marino's Marina Supply!! AND Nowhere in the state is better to NOT buy a boat then Marino's Marina supply. We got a full stock of everything from Jetski's to 24 footers to MARINO's KING SIZE 65 footers, We're the only game in town and I plan on keeping everyone of these motherfuckers!!! SO PISS OFF!!

(Marino walks in front of the deck of one of his boats marked PRICED TO SELL on it.)

Now I know what your thinking, Danny your a business man, why don't you want to sell me a boat? EASY!! my wife doesn't come here... EVER! and this is the only place I got to hide my Barely Legal's (reaches over the deck and pulls up arm fulls of barely legal magazines, walks over to the next boat and drops them into that deck. a few spare magazines fall on the ground of the parking lot and an 10 year old red-headed boy quickly runs up, snatches it and runs off without Danny even noticing him.)

Now you're probably saying to yourself, this is CRAZY!! This guy actually owns a boat lot just to hide his porn-stash? YES HE DOES!! I married for money, and my wife, God bless her, is a REAL UPTIGHT WASPY BITCH! and this shit simply DOES NOT fly at home!!In fact, if I get caught with even ONE of these barely legals, she would divorce my ass in a New York MINUTE. I would actually have to make a REAL living by SELLING MY BOATS, and in this economy, how the fuck am I supposed to make any god-damn money doing that?!?!?!

So now I KNOW WHAT ELSE you're thinking, If this guy really doesn't want his wife to know about his secret porno stash, and he doesn't want any business, then why the heck is he advertising on TV? WELL I TOLD YOU, my wife is a WASP and she only watches Martha Stewart!! and I DON'T ADVERTISE DURING MARTHA STEWART!!! It's right here in my contract, in black and white!! And to answer your other question, I don't know how many of you viewers at home have ever been caught masturbating in the lobby of a sales office, but it happens to me FAR TOO OFTEN!! AND IT's TIME TO CUT THE SHIT AMERICA!!

And if you think THAT's ALL ...THEN YOUR THE ONE THAT'S CRAZY, and maybe a little STUPID TOO.'Cause I'm also here to tell you that if you think you're gonna come down to MY boat lot and try to haggle a good deal on one of MY boats by threatening to tell my wife, well let me tell YOU this... I KNOW JOE PESCI!! (short angry Italian guy comes on screen who is clearly NOT Joe Pesci) That's right tough guy, PESCI WORKS FOR ME!! And if you think Joe Pesci was an animal in films like Goodfella's and Casino, well then you aint seen him off-camera AND YOU DON'T WANT TO!! This guys a real fuckin' hot head, and you don't want to make him mad. Lot of accidents around town these days. ALL I'M SAYING!!!

SO COME ON DOWN TO MARINO's MARINA SUPPLY, THE CITIES ONLY SELLER OF NEW AND PRE-OWNED BOATS,JETSKI'S,LIFEJACKETS, and WATERSKIING EQUIPMENT, and then just turn it right around... and GET THE FUCK OUTA HERE!!!

Marino's Marina Supply, located at 384 Garfiled Avenue across the street from the Dairy Queen. Open 7 days a week from 10 AM to 10:30 PM. Open on most major Holidays. We're also certified to sell and renew fishing licenses.

If Google wants to be her father, then Google can be her father

2008-08-05T17:58:00.000-07:00

By Larry Gotellini

My daughter doesn't bother with me anymore. She used to be my little girl. Always hanging out at the shop with her grandfather and I. I'd take her down to the playground off of Pleasant St. and push her on the swing. But not no more. She ain't got time for her old man. Now, I'm just some dumb guinea she sees every now and then packing money away for when she goes to college. Ever since that Google came into her god damn life. She used to ask me questions like, "Daddy, why do the stars come out at night.?" I'd say, "Because the sky is where your dreams light up." Now, that damn google told her something about astronomy and the big band theory and physics and shit. Well, that's just fine. She didn't even ask her mother about the birds and the bees. I bet Google told her about everything.. I used to run the show around here. I was the know-it-all. I had all the answers and if you had a question, I was the man to ask. Now, she comes in here- a 15 year old smart ass. I couldn't find a part for my classic mustang. I thought it was the intake gasket. No, Miss Smarty Pants comes up here and tells me it was the gear box I was using. Ordered the part and everything. Did she work on that car for 17 years, caring for it, preserving it? No. Google just waltzes right in and takes over. All those diapers and stupid cartoons I had to go through. Google didn't do any of that. Nothing. He just sits there and thinks he's hot shit. I oughta give him a punch in the jaw! When she got caught shoplifting at Caldor, did Google go pull some strings and get the security guard to set her free. No. He's a pansy. I am the tough guy that threatened the security guard's wife with a crowbar.

The only time my little girl talks is at dinner when she just happens to pop in for Larry's own secret spaghetti recipe(Good luck making that Google!). Like the other day, she's like "Brian caught suspended for bringing Ecstasy in school. He's so cute but such a troublemaker." What the hell is Ecstasy anyway?. Hang on a sec here, E-C-S-T-A-S-Y (click). Hmmm. WHOA! Drugs! What the? Oh wow. "Hey Laura. LAURA! Our daughter knows this kid that sells this drug that sounds like a mix of shrooms and Viagara. Yeah. What? I don't know. He doesn't sell that shit no more…..Is that her? Hey you. Yeah, come here. Who's this Brian fella? I want you to stay away from him. Doing drugs. You're grounded. What did you say? Did you learn that from Google you little brat? I want you stay away from him too. No more. From now on, you're under my watch. Now, go to your room. Yes, you can use your computer. It's educational. No magazines or books though. That romance garbage you read. And NO CELL PHONE!"

Well, there you have it. I guess this Google ain't the man of the house after all. Larry's in charge now.

LOL means Lots of Laugh

2008-07-22T18:10:00.000-07:00

By Cody Hardhead

47 years ago, I thought, "WTF? What's with this LOL thing? IMHO it shouldn't mean Laugh out Loud. I've seen plenty of people read their email and they don't really laugh out loud. So, when your BFF emails you and say that they LOL, then they're lying to you. So, they're really not your BFF are they?NO! In fact, they're just some fucking liar. Now, there have been occasions when I wrote LOL and I really did laugh out loud. Honest to God, but, most of the time I didn't. And I am here to tell you that I am sorry. I am sorry I lied. I am sorry that I may have made you think you were funnier than you really were. I am just sorry."

But the truth was, I wasn't sorry. I was deceived.And so was everybody else in those days. It had occured to me that perhaps this was a higher calling.Devine intervention if you will. And my calling was to promote a more, truthful LOL. I figured on Lots of Laugh. I mean, that way, just a smile, chuckle or even internal laugh should cover it. This way we can all be honest with one another and still retain the easy texting of L-O-L. I thought about doing Lottsa Laugh, but then it'd be LL. Which can be construed as little league, and therefore wouldn't make sense.So, Lots of Laugh it is. So many conspiracies and mistruths have whizzed through history, but this was not going to be another one. I had been chosen by a higher power to do this.

After I decided I had been chosen by a higher power for this adventure, I called my work and said I wanted to take a last minute vacation. My boss agreed. But how would I spread the word? Well, there's no better way than door to door. I started at the end of my street, at Mr. and Mrs. Walsh's house. Their 16-year old son answered. I asked him, "Do you know what LOL means?" He's like, "Yeah dude. It means Laugh Out Loud." I put my arm on his shoulder and said, "Look man, that's what the government wants you to think But how many times did you really ever Laugh Out Loud?" He said, "Now that you mention it, not that much." He seemed puzzled, lied to, deceived. I took him under my wing and explained the truth and lies about society and about my ideology of Lots of Laugh..

I went door to door relentlessly for 2 weeks straight. The newspaper caught wind of my journey. The news was covering it and my word was spreading like wildfire. My group had grown to 2,156 strong. We renovated an old textile mill in the woods, made it our headquarters and formed an esoteric group called the Lots of Laugh Crusaders. We pledged that through blood, sweat, and tears, we would convert everyone to our belief in Lots Of Laugh.

Everyone referred to me as LOLiPOP. I had them all under my wings, my spell. And we were becoming too big, too strong, too fast. The levee finally broke when I heard through my LOL brethren that 4 of the LOL Crusaders had burned an Apple store because the employees there refused to convert to our version of LOL. . 2 employees were dead and one escaped and sent a picture of the conspiring LOL crusaders to the police on his iPhone. But t he fire had spread throughout downtown. Our city was on fire and ripe for destiny.

I heard the sirens coming. Luckily, we were organized. It was time to draw arms. Sheldon Philips, the local gun store owner, who "hated all dis here technology anyway" had supplied us with 150 automatic weapons, grenades, and some WWII vehicles in lieu of our Lots of Laugh Crusader club dues of $200. We grabbed our weapons and loaded into the trucks and headed down the road away from LOL Headquarters.

I kept thinking that maybe it had gone too far. Then, I remembered great revolutionaries like Samuel Adams, Joan of Arc, and Napoleon. It was my turn. And I'd be damned if I was going to let these brainwashed bastards take the laugh out of me. The town was on fire and it was my chance to take over. Lots of Laugh was to come.

As the 7 or so local police cars turned the S-curve just before the river, we unloaded molotoff cocktails and about 1,000 rounds into them. Police cars were on fire and dead cops floated downstream from the vicious bullet wounds we put in them. We were unstoppable. We continued on and marched our cavalry to the town square, shooting anyone who disrupted us. We had taken over the local armory and from there the rest is history. And that is how the Republic of Lots Of Laugh was founded 47 years ago today.

I will never forget that night. When the night drew to a close, I stood atop the church tower, looking down at the hundreds of women and children we had slain. As my LOL Crusaders and I looked around at what we had done, and what we created, we all began to laugh. We laughed out loud!!

Hey Shirley

2008-07-11T02:27:00.000-07:00

2:26 PM : "Hey Shirley, I was thinking me and you could start a coffee fund up in the break room, you know start our own little coffee committee. Me and you could run it. What do you say? No? Well I tell you what Shirley I'll just get it started and I'll get back to you in a while with all the details."

2:31 PM : "Hey Shirley, about that coffee committee, I was thinking maybe we could get together tonight over some linguini and iron out all the kinks. No? Well think it over, 'cause I say we do it. I'll call my friend Domenick, he can get us a booth at Giovanni's. OK I see you're busy. I'll just talk to you after you get out of the ladies room."

2:49 PM : "Hey Shirley you in here? Get your goddamn hands off me Alice!! I'm checking on Shirley she's been in here for 18 minutes. Shirley!!Shirley, I'm sorry Alice is being impossible, it looks like I'm gonna have to leave the ladies room. I'll be outside smoking a Kool, we'll talk about the coffee committee later. Are you leaving at 3 Shirl? Damnit Alice don't push!!"

3:03 PM : "Hey Shirley, Oh I'm so sorry, did I startle you? I was putting some posterboards for the coffee committee in your hatchback and I must have been low on pottassium because I konked right out back here. Oh ok, I'll get out. Hey Shirl, about tonight I need your new phone number I haven't been able to...."

4:18 PM : "Hey Shirley, I was on my way back from Kinko's when I noticed you're paperboy was out on his route. Figured I'd save him a trip.What a foul mouth that kid has, huh? Don't worry about tipping him out this week I took care of it for ya. Shirl? Shirl? Hey Shirley don't you want your newspaper? It's alright I'll just leave it on your porch here."

5:04 PM : "Hey Shirley, I didn't know you took yoga here too. Small world aint it? Say who was that guy that punched me out on your porch? Excuse me sir theres no reason to push, I'm simply trying to sample a yoga class before I committ to enrollment. What's that? This is womens yoga only? Well that's clearly biased. Come on Shirl we don't need these guys. Shirl? You coming Shirl? No?"

6:01 PM : "Hey Shirley, you just getting out of Yoga now? I thought it was only an hour long class. So listen, about Giovanni's, it doesn't look good. I called my friend Domenick, and he's been holding this grudge over my head for a long time now. Long story short, we're gonna have to do dinner at your place. What's that Shirley? Your gonna kick me in the balls? Come on Shirley I'm upset too about our dinner plans not working out but OWWW!! My God Shirl you accidentally maced me.AHHH GEEZ that stings.OK So I guess I'll see you at work tomorow Shirl? Shirl?"

7:30 AM : "Hey Shirley about that restraining order, how do you want to handle that with regards to the coffee committee?..."

Penpal Letters From C. Everett Koop

2008-07-04T00:25:00.000-07:00

In 1986 I was a 4th grader attending John F. Kennedy Elementary School in Blackstone MA. Our teacher had assigned us the task of writing a letter to any member of the U.S. government. Most kids wrote to President Reagan, but I wrote my letter to Surgeon General C. Everett Koop. In response to my only letter I received a letter from the Surgeon General at least twice a month for the next 21 years. I have decided to publish the one sided correspondence in a segment I call:

PENPAL LETTERS FROM C. EVERETT KOOP

July 2nd, 1987

Dear Jeremy,

Whats up? Same ol' shit since yesterday here man. Just getting back from the post office to pick up my mail, cause they won't bring it to me anymore. You see last Tuesday the mail lady, this fuckin' bull dyke named Janet (I call her Man-Janet) pulls up and starts being a real bitch with a friggin capital C.

Mail usually arrives by 20 past 10 here, but now it's like 10:55 in the AM, so I says ,'Hey... Penis Envy! What the fuck?!?! I'm waiting on a letter from my pal Jeremy, and I was supposed to pick the wife up from the optomotrist like 10 minutes ago. Don't you think I got anything better to do than wait by a mailbox you little freakshow? You're a low-class disgrace to your uniform!' So of course, this just makes her go all swamp-ass on me, which I wouldn't of even had the patience for if I was sober, never mind then. I mean at this point I was on my 7th Haffenreffer, and all I needed was the reply letter from my pal Jeremy, to see if you were down with running some fireworks out of North Carolina to score some good shine from some Virginia Tech kids before the 4th, and I'd be on my way. No hassle, no foul. You'd think anyways.

So I did the only rational thing a man of my stature could do. I smacked her in the jaw with a crown royal bottle. I mean not hard, you know, just enough to make her talk with a click. Challenge the little Danny Devito looking broad to a duel if you will. And I know what your thinking, you're not supposed to hit girls, AND I NEVER HAVE!! But these bull-dykes man...I don't know. If you're man enough to sneak a little nookie out of circulation you better be man enough to take a Royal to the jaw like the rest of us. Right Jeremy? YOU KNOW what I'm talkin about!! Fuck man, your Brother Jeremy!! THE J-MAN HIMSELF!!

Ahh yessss sir. Fourth of MOTHERFUCKIN' JU-FUCKIN'-LY!! Theres nothing like it Brother. Not for a Navy man anyway. As a Navy man, when I feel 4th of July coming on, it just makes me grateful for all that this great nation of ours has done. Like that arch in St. Louis.You know, that big fucker. Man do I mix it up in St. Louis. Nearly beat a pimp to death at that very arch last Easter. What do they call that thing? It's not important.

So anyways, it's cutting close to the 4th and I havent heard back from you yet. You in or not? I really need you down on the NC/VA border by TOMOROW AT THE LATEST. We'll take my Lebarron from there. Theres a couple'a M-80's in it for you.

Well pal, let me know. Call me at the office if need be, you got the number.

Your Pal,

Cool Everett Koop

P.S. Hey, I was meaning to ask you. You got any older sisters or anything?

Willy Pfizer and the Boner Factory;Chapter 4

2008-06-25T17:26:00.000-07:00

We here at 3orangewhipples would like to report that we were unable to get legal authorization to release our first full length novel; "Willy Pfizer and the Boner Factory". However we are able to release our favorite segments. We would like to share with you chapter 4 of this great tale with you all. Enjoy...

Charlie walked into the Rite Aid at the end of his disappointing week. He was stilled crushed from the news of the last golden boner making Viagra being discovered just 2 days before, ending the contest to win a tour of the Pfizer factory from Willy Pfizer himself.

Old man Sorrenson came to the counter of the pharmacy to greet him.

"Well hello there Charlie. Can I get you something?"

Charlie looked at the spare tips he had left from his paper route and found that he only had 5 dollars.

"I guess I'll just take a generic Prozac." He said, before handing over his weeks spending money.

"Very well, that will be 5 even. Have a good day. And remember...if you tell anyone that I sell pills without scripts I'll break your fuckin' rib's."

He walked out into the grey day, hoping the generic Prozac would lift his spirits. After all, when youre a 38 year old paperboy you need all the help you can with that.

It was then that a fateful breeze blew a 50 dollar bill right into his hand. What a lucky day Charlie thought.

"Charlie, your back"old man Sorrenson said with a look of surprise. "Look if you came for your money back, tough shit."

"No, No. I want something else."He replied as he showed the pharmacist the fresh 50 dollar bill.

"Well then. How about a good old fashion Viagra." The pharmacist said with a friendly smile.

He handed Charlie a Viagra in exchange for the 50 and Charlie was back on his way home to rub one out in the tool shed, when suddenly he witnessed a great commotion in the streets in front of old man Durhams television shop.

"Whats going on" Charlie asked a stranger in the street.

"The last golden boner was a fraud. The guy just spraypainted his dick. The magic Viagra is still out there. Theres still a chance to win a tour of the Pfizer factory from Willy Pfizer HIMSELF!!"

It was then that Charlie felt very excited. VERY EXCITED. He felt something coming over him as his pants tightened and his posture declined. Without being able to take the pressure he found himself unzipping right there in the street.

"AAHHHH"he sighed in relief "My boys can breathe"

"HE'S GOT THE GOLDEN BONER" A woman yelled out."GET HIM. SNAP IT OFF!!"

Charlie suddenly found himself in the center of a crazed mob. Just then old man Sorrenson pulled him out.

"Run Charlie. Run all the way home and don't let anyone touch that golden boner of yours."

Charlie sprinted down the street with a shit eating grin on his face and a bright gold boner wabbling out of his trowsers. He ran past the Botanical Garden shop, the laundrymat, Hank's Kitchen Emporium, past Garfield Avenue and straight into his little shack where all 4 of his grandparents had been in the same bed since they were 25 years old and yelled with great excitement...

"I DID IT, I DID IT. I GOT THE LAST GOLDEN BONER!!"

His grandparents stared at him like he had finally lost his marbles, and Grandpa Joe chimed in...

"Your pulling our boners Charlie. The last magic Viagra was found. The contest is over."

"NO, NO. It was a fake and I found some money and I bought a viagra and look...MY BONER IS GOLD."

"My goodness Charlie, IT IS GOLD!!"

It was then that Grandpa Joe burst into song...

"I never thought that I would see...
A big yellow boner is big as a tree...
As thick as a 14 karot brick, that noone could ever mine,

'Cause I gotta Golden Boner....
I gotta Golden Boner in my eye..."

As he stood to dance for the first time over a 1/2 century he was greeted by immense hostility from his 38 year old grandson with a golden boner still hanging out.

"HOLD THE FUCKIN' PHONE OLD MAN. You mean to tell me you can fuckin WALK?!?! I've been busting my ASS selling papers since I was 8 years old while you stayed in bed for 68 years!!"

Suddenly Grampa Joe pushed Charlie against the wall and grabbed him by the throat with immense strength.

"Listen you little fuck, your taking me to the Pfizer factory or I'm gonna kick your FUCKIN' ASS!!!"

Liferaft

2008-06-19T02:29:00.000-07:00

In the year 2008 the world that knew me saw me vanish forever. I went on a great voyage that would diminish heroes and break better men than I.

Lost at sea for thirteen cruel days, I kept not only the calendar, but the remaining shreds of my sanity by recording my thoughts and experiences in a journal.

My friends, I share with you my story, fragmented as it is, from the few pages I was able to salvage from the voyage.

Day 1

The unmerciful afternoon sun brought me a rude awakening, accompanied by an unwanted combination of terror and hangover. Without yet opening my eyes, I had deducted that I was on a life raft in the Ocean. That smell of rubber with the salt water breeze, and the sound of the waves were all too real to face. As I lay with my eyes closed, praying I was simply having a nightmare, it began to occur to me that I was not alone.

"Hello there friend. We were wondering if you were going to be joining us today!!" The familiar stranger yelled to me from the other side of the raft. He was a strong burly man with a well groomed dark beard, dressed completely in faded blue denim. He sat on a bucket marked Oxyclean and he was eating a military style Meal Ready to Eat; the industrial looking package of this meal gave the appearance that this product would better suit a hardware store clerk than a soldier.There were several boxes of rations next to him. He seemed not even concearned to be in an un-sea worthy vessell drifting aimlessly.

Next to him was a well dressed portly gentleman who seemed 6 days deep into a 9 day drunk.

"Where the fuck am I?" I asked

"Who knows.The Atlantic? The Pacific maybe?" he replied in a very familiar voice with tremendous volume.

"If lucky, I am on way back to Russia!!" replied the old drunk in poor broken English.

The man in denim let out a loud billowing laugh, and gripped the old man firmly on his upper shoulder as a gesture of fondness; he let out a long powerful breath from his nose as he smiled and chewed his food.

"I have no idea how I got here." I said

"Neither do I. How 'bout you Boris?" he then gestured his head as if to introduce the drunk as Boris before continuing"No, the last thing I can remember was stopping at a bar in Detroit, ordering a whiskey sour and then WHAM, I was pistol whipped by the bartender. After that, I woke up in the raft, and you guys were here too."

"Thats crazy."I said as I pondered the last thing I remembered. "Yeah, I went into a bar in Woonsocket Rhode Island and I only had about 2 beers. I think somebody rufied me. Do you think thats what happened? I mean who did this, are they trying to kill us?"

As I put the pieces together it became clear that I knew who these guys were.A wave of paranoia shook me to the core.

"Wait a minute. I know you guys. Who are you and how do I know you?"

"Well I don't know. Have you watched much T.V. in your life?"He asked as he wrestled a grin from busting out of the side of his mouth " I'm Billy Mays!!" he boldly declared.

I sat puzzled. I knew his face, and now I knew his name, but I still didn't know who he was. The look of perplexity on my face forced his smile to fade.

"You know Billy Mays. I sell Oxyclean, and Mighty Putty!!"

"You're that dude who yells." I said as it came to me."And who is Boris."

Boris replied swiftly "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!!"

"My names Mike. Mike Cartier." I replied

"You said you're from Rhode Island, Mike? Are you Mike Cartier from Cumberland, Rhode Island.?" Billy asked

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

"You ordered some Oxyclean in 2005." He then knocked on the oxyclean bucket he was sitting on." You wanna buy some more?"

Billy stared at me with his trademark smile, and I realized he must have one twisted sense of humor. I never thought he was serious. I let out a loud laugh, and was joined by Boris who laughed so hard he began weezing.

"You are funny man, Billy Mays." Boris said as he pulled a handle of Vodka from behind him and passed it around.

We drank straight vodka through the afternoon and sang traditional Russian sailing songs that, oddly enough, Billy taught us.

As nightfall approached Billy gave me another sales pitch to buy the tub of Oxyclean. I kindly declined, telling him I didn't really need it out here.

"Well if you change you're mind, you know where to find me." He said as he lay down in the raft using the Oxyclean bucket as a pillow. He drift into a deep sleep rather quickly.I found it odd that he slept with one eye open.

Day 2

I was the first to wake this morning, still hung over, still lost at sea, and now painfully hungry. I had decided to check out the box of rations and get my first meal in days. As I tried to open the box, I was startled by Billy's foot stepping on the box before I had the chance to open it.

"What are you doing Mike?"

"I'm gonna eat. I'm starving."

"You didn't buy my Oxyclean, is that right?"

"What's that got to do with anything."

"Well, when you buy my tub of Oxyclean, I'll throw in a months supply of Meals Ready to Chow. This is a limited time offer Mike and supplies ARE limited."

"Quit fucking around Billy I need to eat" I said

"Does this look like I'm fucking around?"

He was pointing a flare gun in my face.

"Easy Billy. Just put the gun down man."

"I do the sales pitching around here buddy. Now sit down and buy the goddamn Oxyclean."

"I'll sit down Billy...but I'm not buying your Oxyclean."I said

I slowly backed myself away and took a seat in my normal space in the raft. Billy took his place sitting back on the Oxyclean tub and kept the flare gun pointed at me.

Boris awoke deshevelled and confused to find us in this predicament.

"Boris, help me." I pleaded.

Boris let out a menacing laugh which was very hoarse from a dangerously dehydrated throat and said" I need my breakafeest now."

Billy reached in to a box and threw Boris a fresh pint of Vodka, which he cracked open immediately, and pulled a hearty rip from.

"You're gonna point a gun at me for not buying your Oxyclean but you're feeding Boris fresh vodka?" I protested

"FUCK YOU I BUY THE MIGHTY PUTTY!!"Boris snapped back at me.

I knew that I was in real trouble now, but I had nearly a full tub of Oxyclean at home, and I really wasn't amazed with it. There was no way I'd let Mays sucker me again.

Day 5
The day came and went in agony. Mays ate 6 of his Meals Ready to Chow while pointing the flare gun at me, and Yeltsin stayed on a strict diet of vodka. I'd like to say the tension was caused by silence, but in reality Billy would not shut the fuck up. He pitched everything he could think of; Oxyclean, Mighty Putty, Hercules Hooks, Zorbeez cloths, Samurai Sharks. All of it complete shit.I will not buy ANYTHING from him. I may be deprived of nutrients, but depriving Billy Mays of a sale gives me strength.

Day 9

A cargo ship passed the life raft tonight. It was only about 100 yards away from us, just far enough that the crew wouldn't be able to see us in the dark.Billy and I were in our usual standoff positions, he was putting the flare gun at me, and I was too weak from hunger to even lift my head anymore.

"Game over Mays. Just fire off the flare. It's over. Oh thank God it's over."

"Over? Oh it's not over until you're completely WOW'ed by our amazing new offer, Mike. But you do need to act now because for a very limited time, if you purchase this single tub of Oxyclean, I'll go ahead and throw in a bonus flare launch which will upgrade you're COMPLETE NAUTICAL ADVENTURE to that CARGO SHIP BEHIND ME!!"

"Fuck you Mays. Just fire the flare."

"Mike, I would LOVE to fire the flare. Theres nothing better than giving a customer a great deal, but Mike, I can't shoot the flare if you don't buy the Oxyclean. Sorry, I really wish I could, but I don't make the rules. Now I do suggest that you act fast and BUY NOW."

"YOU'RE CRAZY"

The ship was beginning to pass us. The entire time this was happening Boris was out cold, not even waking from the large waves that were crashing into the raft. I attempted to wake him for help.

"BORIS GET UP" I screamed. But he never even moved.

"Sorry to tell you this Mike, but Boris here would sleep through a vodka riot right now. He can't help you."

"BORIS!!" I yelled. I mustered up enough strength to crawl over to Boris and slap him in the face.

"I SLIPPED HIM A RUFIE MIKE!!"

Mays was wide eyed and laughing sadistically. Taunting me as he saw the pieces come together for me mentally. He laughed histerically, his jaw dropped wide, belly shaking, as he wiped a tear from his cheek.

I dropped to the floor of the raft and watched my ship sail on by.

Day 11

There are only 2 of us left on the raft. Just Billy and I. When I woke up this morning, Boris was gone. When I asked Billy what he did to Boris he told me he could not divulge customer information. He would not say anymore, and I did not have the will to question him anymore.

Day 12

I awoke at sunrise to find Billy Mays, now shirtless and rubbing Oxyclean on his face like warpaint.

"You better fucking buy something from me." Billy demanded

"Not gonna happen."

Billy put the lid back on the Oxyclean.

"Well thats a shame." He said. He then fiercely swung the tub at me and struck me in the head. "KABOOM!! YOU WANT SOME MORE!!??!!" He beat me severely for several minutes with the Oxyclean bucket until I was unconcious.

I awoke late in the evening and Billy was gone. He took the Oxyclean and the Meals Ready to Chow with him.

Victory was mine. And now I am ready to die in peace.

Day 13

I was rescued by a coast guard vessel off the Gulf of Mexico. I was taken onboard and given emergency medical treatments before being turned over to a hospital in St Petersburg Florida. Whenever I try to tell anyone about Billy and what he had done to me, they are quick to brush it off as mental trauma. Too much sun they say.

6 Months from Day 1

It wasn't until I took Melissa (the nurse from the hospital at St. Pete's) out on a harbor cruise today that I finally convinced someone that the torment I endured was real. As we cruised the harbor and enjoyed a few drinks, Melissa suddenly let out a gasp.

"Mike!! LOOK!! It's Billy Mays."

As I looked over the side of the deck I saw a Liferaft floating in the bay, and sure enough, there was Billy tormenting an elderly couple. It was a bit off into the distance but from what I saw, Billy had the old man gripped by his shirt and was screaming in his face. I would have thought this site would bring back the terror, but instead I just had to laugh.

"AHHHH, THAT'S MY BILLY"

Providence County Rescue

2008-06-05T02:11:00.000-07:00

Roy Eldridge and Aaron McFeteridge are considered by many to be heroes. Well decorated EMT's in Providence county, Roy and Aaron work 7 double shifts per week. Certified to the top tier, you could say that they possess enough skills to run an entire emergency ward on wheels. But what few people know is that Roy and Aaron are not just EMT's, they are.....

DOUCHEBAG'S !!!!!

We join Roy and Aaron at the scene of an accident on 95 Southbound....

"Mam, don't move. We're gonna cut your seatbelt and pull you out of the vehicle." Roy yelled to the accident victim

"Yeah, Mam just relax and let Roy do his thing. And if you get bored you can just focus on that ROCKIN' SHIT you got on the radio"...

Roy forces himself to not laugh in front of the injured woman by pretending to cough into his hand

"No seriously, Mam, I love JOURNEY too"Aaron says while trying to hold back the laughter. "Let me ask you this though, did the final episode of the Sopranos give you the urge to buy this CD or have you been a cheesey person your whole life."

Roy spit the large sip of the Sprite he was taking from the can in the womans driver side cup holder all over his uniform"AHH HAHAHA,C'mon you're fucking me up here" Roy said through tremendous laughter."now help me get her outta the car."

"Oh yeah sorry. I mean we don't want our new friend to miss the 40 year old chick with feathered hair convention tonight." Replied Aaron

"AAAHHH HAHAHAHAHA. STOP IT YOUR FUCKIN KILLING ME, MAN, HAHAHAHA."cried Roy

"Mam, Mam, I promise you, you're gonna make it!! I mean you got too much to live for....especially now that the New Kids on the Block are going back on tour."

"AHHH HAHAHA. That's fucking MINT man. You are MONEY!!"

"Totally. I should do standup."

"Dude!! We lost her."

"Fuck. Alright call it and let's get her off to county so we can beat the lunch crowd to Quizno's."

"Seriously, next call don't fuck around."

"DUDE!! Check it out. This chick's got a Huey Lewis CD in here."

"Is it Sports or Fore?

"Sports"

"DIBS"

"Alright it's yours. But if it was Fore I would have fought you for it. I mean litterally fought you. I gotta brown belt too, so I'd kick your fuckin' ass."

"C'mon and help me lift here."

"Alright, alright. Here we go. This chick just went from listenin' to Journey to a ride on a gurney."

"AWWW, DUDE. Harsh bro."

"Did I go too far?"

"FUCK NO!! What are you a pussy? That was CLASSIC!!"

"Do you really think I should do standup?"

"DEFINITELY!!"

So after splitting the victims last cigarette, our heroe's, the Douchebags, drove off into the afternoon traffic to their next great conquest....Quizno's.

Billy vs. Philly‏

2008-05-15T13:48:00.000-07:00

I hear it everyday. Phil Collins could kick Billy Joels ass. Nuh-Uh, Billy would TOTALLY kick Philly's ass.Fuck you, don't call him Philly.

And this was supposed to be a proffessional environment...

I work in the sales office for a regional Marketing firm called Nichols and Barnes. It's a small firm, and theres only 2 other salesman in the office.

Problem is, is that these two idiots I share the office with drive me nuts. Gordon Nichols and Noelle Barnes. Both the nephews of founding partners. On one hand I got it made.I mean these two jackasses couldn't sell a wetnap at a peepshow convention, nevermind compete with my sales record. On the other hand I gotta listen to them flap their gums all day about Phil Collins and Billy Joel.

So I get into the office about 10 this morning, I'm tired, hungover and I'm ready for the weekend. In other words, I'm in no mood for bullshit. But what do I walk into???

Nichols has Barnes in a headlock, 'The Piano Man' is cranking in the background, phones are ringing off the hook which nobody was answering. I lost it.

"CUT THE SHIT BOTH OF YOU AND GET ON THOSE PHONES NOW!!" I yelled.

They broke it up, turned the music down and got to work.Things stayed quiet for about 20 minutes. Then Sususudio came on one of Nichols internet radio stations.

"Hey Noelle did you know that the horn section from Earth,Wind and Fire played on this tune."

"Big fuckin deal!! It's not like SuSudio was the theme song from Bosom Buddies."

"Please. Bosom Buddies sucked."

"Nuh-uh Bosom Buddies ROCKED!! And the theme song TOTALLY made the show classic. Tell him Bosom Buddies rocked."

"I told you both to shut the fuck up and get back to work." I replied, but it was too late. There comes a point where all you can do is sit back and let them go at it.

"Phil Collins is a shitty piano player."

"A) that's bullshit and B) at least he could play more than one insrtument. I don't hear Billy Joel playing the drums."

"No you don't, and you know what else you won't hear? Phil Collins playing the drums FOR Billy Joel. You know why? Because Billy Joel only plays with the BEST. And Phil Collins can't shake a stick at Liberty Devitto."

"I'm Sorry...WHO?"

"Liberty Devitto. Long time drummer for Billy Joel and certified ROCK GOD!!"

"Yeah well he can keep Liberty Devitto because Phil don't need to waste his time backing up Billy Joel."

"Yeah keep telling yourself that. The FACT is Philly wished he could play for Billy."

"Fuck you don't call him Philly."

"What do you think that song Billy don't you lose my number was about? Philly wanted to play in Billy's band SOOOO BAD. But guessed what happened? Billy lost Philly's number...on purpose."

"You know what your problem is Gordon? You got no class. You don't call an ar-teest like Phil Collins, Philly. He's not some Jersey Jerk-Off like you and all the other Billy Joel fans in the world. Billy Joel fans respect nothing. You don't hear me calling him Bill Joel do ya? Like, man I hope Bill Joel doesn't play too long tonight, seeing as I'm really only here to see Elton John. You know what that is? You know what that is? That's my impression of every single person who's been to a Bill Joel concert in the past 10 years."

"Typical Philly Collins fan. Gotta drag Elton John into the argument."

"Hey Elton John's gotta drag Bill Joel around his tour schedule, why shouldn't I drag Elton John into this argument."

"Hey they're fellow Troubadors, man. Theres a respect for the songwriter. They defined the singer songwriter genre in the '70's while Philly Collins was drumming in a poor mans prog-rock band that nobody gave a shit about."

"Shut up you don't know anything about early Genesis."

"You know what I do know about? Getting laid before the age of 31. But go on tell me about all that early Genesis. I'm intrigued."

"What do you wanna go?"

"Don't threaten me Noelle!! I'll take you down!! I'll take you down to Allentown!!"

"Please, you hit like an uptown girl."

"I'll kick your ass just like Billy would kick Philly's ass."

"You're dreaming pal. Bill Joel could not kick Phil Collins ass. That's a fact."

"Are you high? Billy Joel took fuckin boxing lessons you dumb shit. He's the Tony Danza of Rock n' Roll. A tough, take no shit, New Yorker with the golden gloves to back it up."

"Oh COME ON. We're talking about Phil the Shill here, the baddest coke dealer to ever grace Miami Vice."

"Big deal he was just acting. And even then he got taken down by Don Johnson. You think Don Johnson could take down Bill Joel,...I mean BILLY JOEL?!? No Chance!!"

"Of course he couldn't because Bill Joel would never be cast on Miami Vice. The only acting gig Bill Joel would get would be playing a guy who spent his life getting fired from sub shops."

"Billy aint got time for that shit. He's too busy being a REAL musician, and being inducted into the Long Island Music Hall of Fame. Can you say that about Philly, HMMM?? Is Philly in the Long Island Music Hall of Fame??"

"Seriously?!?! The Long Island Music Hall of Fame huh. That's impressive. Tell me something, exactly what floor of Bill Joel's old high school is the Long Island Music Hall of Fame located on?"

"You can talk all the shit you want, but you know Billy would kick Philly's ass."

"And just how would he do that? By driving through the side of Phil's house?"

"I'm sorry you can't handle the truth, but it's a fact, New Yorkers are tougher than the British. Billy would smack the tea and scrumpets out of Phillys mouth."

"Nuh-uh. Drummers are the toughest people in the world. It's a scientific fact."

As I left the room to go to lunch Nichols had Barnes back in a headlock. I vaguley heard him utter the phrase "Take a look at me now, Bitch."

I really gotta get another job...

Thats All

2008-05-07T16:32:00.000-07:00

When I was 28 years old, my old man gave me an ultimatum; quit the band and get a real job or he was cuttin' off the funds.

So I sold out. Throughout my career in corporate America I have had to live with that decision. It's eaten at me the whole time. You see, you can take the rock out of the rocker, but you can't take the rocker out the rock. No, wait. It's the other way around.

So at age 28 I took my first legit gig at the KFC on Garfield Ave. The year was '84. Summer of love,man. Let me tell you I've done pretty good for myself here. I'm clearing almost 8 bucks an hour now.

So last night I clock in about an hour early. you see I havent slept in 4 days and I wasn't really doing anything good anyways, so I figured I'd just start rockin the drive thru. Right off the bat my manager, this little prick name Kevin is telling me that I'm not gonna get paid for the hour because I wasn't on the schedule. I responded by kindly telling him to suck my ass. So he made me take out the garbage.

Taking out the garbage I don't mind, because while I'm out by the dumpster I'll smoke a few butts,maybe take a hit from my 1 hitter, do a few shots of JD and maybe hit on some bitches that walk by. So it works out well.

So I'm only out there for about 40 minutes and the little fucker comes out and tells me to get back to work. I head back in like 20 minutes later and then he's all up in my shit. Totally bogus. I was like 'look man, I've worked here since before you were born, I've seen over 300 managers come and go in the 24 years I've worked here and I aint taken shit from none of them and I aint starting now. Now if you'll excuse me I got a mens room to mop'.

I dig it in the mens room almost as much as near the dumpster because theres a speaker from the radio in there and I can ROCK THE FUCK OUT!! And sometimes you meet some real bitchin' dudes in there, man. This one time back in '94 a kid came in there on a Friday night and sold me some acid. I worked the drive thru that night, and the voices on the headset TOTALLY blew my mind.

So I head into the men's room, and I get to thinking. What am I doing. I used to be in a band. I was destined to be a rock star, not take orders from some 19 year old suit. And that's when it happened...the song That's all from Phil Collins era Genesis came on the radio like some sort of fuckin devine intervention.

The lyrics kicked in and I was really feelin it...

Just as I thought it was going alright,
I found out I'm wrong when I thought I was right,
It's always the same, it's just a shame, and that's all

I became overwhelmed. I kicked over the pale and punched the air dryer, leaving a FIERCE dent in its side. I wasn't taking no more shit from managers like Kevin or anyone else from then on.

I kicked the door open storming over to Kevin and started singing the song with TOTAL conviction right in front of everyone...

HOW COME IT ALWAYS SEEMS TO BE
I'M LOOKIN' AT YOU, YOU'RE A LOOKIN' AT ME
IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME IT'S JUST A SHAME
AND THAT'S ALL

Before Kevin got the glory of firing me, I announced to the whole restaurant that he could shove this job up his chicken frying ass!! And then I added...

TURNING ME ON, TURNIN ME OFF
MAKING ME FEEL LIKE I WANT TOO MUCH
LIVIN WITH YOU'S JUST PUT A ME THROUGH IT
ALL OF THE TIME

As I made my way to the door there was not just a shift in the tempo of the song on the radio, but also a change in tempo in my heart, as I realized that I'd be walking away from my life at KFC. I realized then that I love my job. I love the dumpster, the drive thru, the bitches, I mean fuckin' A I even love the chicken!! I turned back to Kevin and pleaded with him to wait. I then added....

TRUTH IS I LOVE YOU
MORE THAN I WANTED TO
THERES NO POINTING IN TRYING
TO PRETEND...
THERES BEEN NOONE WHO
MAKES ME FEEL LIKE YOU DO
SAY WE'LL BE TOGETHER
TIL THE END

Kevin agreed that I could stay and it was all water under the bridge. I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I gave him a hug. He said it was OK, and I went back to the mens room to clean the mess I made.

While in the mens room, it hit me of what a fool Kevin made of me. Who was he to tell me to clean this mess. I'm old enough to be his father, so he should be cleaning the mess. Suddenly 24 years of taking orders from the suits came back in harsh anger, and DAMNIT, I wasn't gonna take it anymore.

As the tempo had kicked up for it's final verse, I kicked the door right off it's hinges and marched back to Kevin while singing EVEN LOUDER this time...

HOW COME IT ALWAYS SEEMS TO BE
I'M LOOKIN AT YOU, YOURE A LOOKIN AT ME
IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME IT'S JUST A SHAME
AND THAT'S ALL...
THAT'S ALL...

I punched Kevin in the face and made my grand exit as the guitar solo that leads out this Phil Collins gem carried me off to glory.

Now I'm a free man. No more KFC, no more suits. I'm retired.

THAT'S ALL...

2055: The Genesis of the Early Prog Party

2008-05-01T12:41:00.000-07:00

The year is 2055, the place is Birmingham, England.

An elderly woman and her grandson are in the attic of a house looking through an old chest.

"Grandma, what's this?"

"Well, let me see here. That looks like a portable DVD player."

"Wow!! Do you think it works?"

"Let's go downstairs and have a look."

They walk down the attic stairs and plug it in.

"Wonder what DVD is in here." says the old woman "Go ahead and hit the eject button Davie."

Davie pushes the eject button and out comes a DVD labeled PHILLIP FOR PM.

"Oh my God!" Grandma says with an elated gasp.

"What Grandma, what?"

"This is your Great-Grandfather's DVD before he became Prime Minister of England. It is looked upon as one of the greatest political moments since Winston Chruchill spoke during World War II."

"Cool! Let's watch it!"

They crowd around the DVD player and turn the volume way up. On the screen a short, bald man full of passion, takes the podium and prepares to address a massive crowd in front of the British Parliament building.

"Is that him?"

"Yes, Davie, that is your Great-grandfather Philip."

"Ladies and Gentleman. Today is election day. So, I ask you, my fellow countrymen, to give me one more night, give me just one more night.Cause I can't wait forever. I know there'll never be a time you'll ever feel the same."

(Applause from thousands in downtown London)

"And I know it's only words. But, if you change your mind, you know that I'll be here. And maybe we both can learn."

" I know many of you reporters, and my opponent Mr. Gabriel, have been bad mouthing me during this campaign. And all I can say is that, Well you can tell everyone I'm a down disgrace, and drag my name all over the place. I don't care anymore. "

Philip pumps his fist in the air and the crowd responds with a passionate nationalism not seen since Germany in the late 1930s.

"What's important is that we all see that there's too many men, too many people, making too many problems, and not much love to go 'round. Cant you see? This is a land of confusion. Take Poverty for example. Now, poverty is an issue in the world. And on that topic, I'd like to tell you a story. It's about a lady. She calls out to the man on the street, 'Sir, can you help me? It's cold and I've nowhere to sleep. Is there somewhere you can tell me?' He walks on, doesn't look back, he pretends he can't hear her. He starts to whistle as he crosses the street, seems embarassed to be there.'"

The crowd responds with sympathy.

"This is not the Britain I know. The Britain I know would think twice. Some would say it's just another day for you and me in paradise. But I WOULD NOT!! Just think about it."

"Now, my opponent, he refuses to believe it. He will run this country into the ground. And I say to him, 'I have seen it before my friend. And I saw it with my own two eyes. So I say to him, you can wipe off that grin, I know where you've been, It's all been a pack of lies!"

The crowd erupts with cheers and starts chanting Philip! Philip!

"On a lighter, more personal note, I know some of you are asking if I am elected, then who will the first lady be? Well,. There's this girl that's been on my mind all the time, Now she don't even know my name. But I think she likes me just the same. She is wonderful She has a built in ability to take everything she sees. And now it seems Im falling, falling for her. " he says shyly.

The crowd collectively awws and a single voice with a heavy British accent yells 'Congratulations' from within the crowd. Philip lifts his head back up and the passion returns to his eyes.

"I know victory is on the horizon for this campaign. I can feel it. I can feel it coming in the air tonight."

The screen goes blank.

"Wow, Grandma. I didn't know he was so great."

"A great man he was."

"Can I go play outside Grandma?"

"Sure, Davie, sure."

Davie stops at the coat rack and turns around and says to his Grandma, "Should I put on my parka?"

Grandma rises from her chair, takes off her glasses,places her hand in front of her heart and says,

"Davie, this is your Great-Grandfather's country. And as he always said, 'No Jacket Required.'"

The End.

I Could Have Been Killed!!!

2008-04-22T18:46:00.000-07:00

By Rose McDowell

You know that mall where people got shot out in Omaha? Well, I went to that mall back in 1993. So, it could have been me in there. I mean I didn't actually go into the mall, I just pulled in to turn around, but it still irks me that I could have been gunned down right then in there, had the kid that did it been born 15 years earlier and was outside the mall instead of inside, and it was April instead of December. It just makes you think how precious life is. I have been having a tough go at it lately.

Just last week, someone was killed in a car accident on Route 95. I mean, I travel on 95 twice a year for Thanksgiving. I drive about 30 miles on it to get to my grandmother's house and I drive 30 miles back. The exit the person got killed at was about an hour north of where I usually go. Can you believe that? How close I was to being a highway fatality?

And then this mall thing. I mean what's the world coming to? Iran has nuclear weapons, not now, but 4 years ago, maybe, but they could get them at some point. So could Trinidad and Tobago. It's scary this world. Well, I am turning over a new leaf. After this mall thing, I was so distraught at my brush with death that I took a leave of absence from work. I just told them 'personal reasons'. I didn't want everyone to worry if I was ok. Especially, my co-worker Tanya. She knows that I went near that mall a few years ago. She must be worried sick. Oh well, I have to focus on me and what my future is. With all these close calls who would blame me.

I remember zig-zagging when getting gas a few years back when that sniper was in the DC-area. Glad I did. I mean it was in the DC area and I live in Savannah, so I was only a few states away! They caught the sniper at a rest area. I go to rest areas sometimes on a long trip. Can you imagine had I been at that rest area when they were there? If they were awake in their car, they may have gunned me down. In cold blood. Me lying there lifeless.

And just last week there was that big earthquake in Illinois which stretched out Indiana, AND earthquakes in Westlake Texas all in one night. It's a good thing I stayed home that night. I was only 1500 miles from an earthquake and 1000 miles from a tornado. Hold on a minute, I'm just gonna go into the cellar, just in case they start up again. Why take the chances.

FYI, I'm in the cellar right now and I don't want to turn the lights on in case of electric fire near the hot water boiler. Who knows what could happen. So please bare with me. You may have to forgive my spelling. It's tough to type in the dark.

Anyways, I'm really shook up about the whole Virginia Tech thing from last year. God help us! I used to date a guy that went to Radford University, which is about 20 miles South of Tech. I was going to visit him about 20 years ago, but found out he was cheating on me. I was devastated until that Tech thing happened. I mean, was it fate that he cheated on me and I didn't drive to the school near the school that had a shooting 20 years later? Perhaps indeed.

I must have an angel watching over me with all these close calls. I am like a cat. I have 9 lives! It's just too much. I have an appointment with the doctor. I think I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I will let him know. Maybe he can put me on some medication. But what if I have a bad side effect? Oh god. The end could be near.

Deep Purple Sucks‏

2008-04-15T20:34:00.000-07:00

By Rachel Dean,

It's not easy being a 16 year old girl trying to navigate your way through high school these days. Especially when you hate Deep Purple as much as I do.

Now I know what your thinking, 'it's 2008 and kids don't even listen to Deep Purple these days.'

Exactly!!

Nobody listens to Deep Purple and I fucking HATE DEEP PURPLE!! AARRGGHH!! Seriously it's like WTF!! Who can I even talk to about how overrated the 'Machinehead' album was? That creepy guidance counselor I made out with when I was the only kid who had inhouse last semester? Please. He doesn't know shit about Deep Purple. He doesn't even know who Jon Lord is.

Ever since Freshman year when I started getting into hating Deep Purple, it's like I started seeing the world through a new set of eyes.

Now when I hear all the other girls in homeroom talking about Britney Spears, and how much of a skank she is, i'm just like "ummmm hellooo...could you be any lamer"

And they're all "Ahhhh, whatever Rachel you bitch. Britney's such a skank that her kids had to be taken away 'cause she's such a whore"

And I'm like "Pssh!!Britney's not even half as much of a skank as Richie Blackmore."

Sometimes I think about running away to a big city like San Francisco where I could go to a party and somebody would play Smoke on the Water on the radio and I could yell "TURN THAT SHIT OFF!!"

That would never happen in this town. Kids around here don't even listen to Steppenwolf, nevermind the poormans Steppenwolf who turned into the poor mans Black Sabbath. (A.K.A. Deep Purple...Don't tell me that YOU didn't even catch the reference)

If only I was born in the late 70's. I could've been a Gen X kid. Those kids were bitter, synical, and they took shitty music serious. Real serious. I mean, most of them grew up with parents who had Bat Out of Hell from Meatloaf on Cassette. They were forced into long car rides with Uptown Girl from Billy Joel blaring from their parents Dodge Caravans. To say they were well schooled and intolerant of a shitty band is a major understatement.

Those kids would have understood what I mean when I say Deep Purple sucks. But nobody else gets it. And to not understand my hatred of Deep Purple is to not understand Rachel Dean.

The Redneck Afficianado Netflix Reviews vol. 2

2008-04-08T22:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Netflix,

I realize that you are a strictly mail order service, but I was hoping that we could work out some sort of pick up method, as I am currently a wanted fugitive after watching the 1985 classic 'Spies Like Us.'

Spies Like Us stars Dan Akroyd and Chevy Chase in the tale of 2 CIA pencil pushers who become decoys in a foreign intelligence operation.From the time they are deployed to the deserts of Afghanistan to the climax in Siberia, pure hillarity ensues.

In case your tracing my rental records to see why Spies Like Us was never in my queue, well I can explain. I currently do not have a mailbox, and the local post office will not let me pick up my mail if I am not accompanied by my probation officer, so I had to send my wife "Mrs. Romantic Comedy lover from RI" to rent it from Hollyweird Video,after she had tried to tell me that 'the Good Shephard' was the greatest CIA movie ever made, and I wasn't about to have HER tell ME nothin'!!

As I began watching the film it occured to me that I had really only seen the film once, during my famous "lost weekend" of '85,which technically was just a 72 hr blackout which began around happy hour in downtown Richmond, and continued until I came to in a St. Louis cineplex with no pants in sight and the name Roxanne tattoed on my ass. But that's not important to this review right now. What is important is that I did not recall all the obscene language, sexual innuendo's, and scenes with girls in there underwear. I found this completely unacceptable for a PG movie, and by my 11th Lynchburg Lemonade I demanded action. After writing several unreturned emails to the swift boat veterans for truth within an hour demanding a boycott of every film directed by Jon Landis except the Blues Brothers 2000, I decided I was gonna go on down there to the that Hollyweird video and show them who's boss.

I demanded my wife give me the keys to the Rangerover, but as usual she locked herself in the kids bedroom and called the police after I lit the door on fire Jim Morrison style. What a typical Northerner I thought as I ran through the river in the woods behind my house.

As I ran a half mile in the waste deep water, not only was I confident that if the police were tracking me with German Shephards the river would lose my scent, unlike the incident that led me to the Blue Ridge mountains after watching "A leage of their own", but I was also confident that I could make it to Hollyweird video on foot before closing.

Was I ever wrong...

I made it to the Robius plaza sometime after 4:AM, to find the store had closed, and the parking lot empty. I decided the most reasonable thing to do was climb onto the roof and bust through a heating duct so I could ambush the unsuspecting manager as he opened up in the morning.

I spotted a dumpster conveniently placed next to a telephone poll, and the wires ran a measly 30 yards right to the roof. I climbed the dumpster which brought me to the first rung on the poll,and I was soon at the top. Unfortunately my attempt to pull a tightrope act across the wires was probably a poor decision. I fell into the dumpster, and dislodged both my collarbones. At this time, I decided to take a break. I fell asleep, using half a head of a discarded cabbage for a pillow.

I awoke with a hell of a hangover in the back of a garbage truck that was making a pickup at the end of a culdesac. "Holy Shit theres a body in here" I heard the garbageman yell to his driver who replied that he was calling the police. This would not go over well with my probation officer I thought.

Luckily there was a Crown Royal bottle lodged into my back that I used to knock him unconscience (and the liberal yankees say it's good to recycle- please). After some good scrapping I was able to knock out the driver and throw them both in the back of the truck and take the wheel. "I'm taking this baby to Alaska" I thought, and I was on my way. It was until I began cruising the FM dial in hopes of hearing Paul McCartneys title track "Spies Like Us" that I lost control of the wheel, and drove the highjacked garbage truck straight across a suburban side road, onto a lawn and into the side of a house. (ironically enough,it was MY house)

So back in the river I went....

Despite my forementioned issues with this films language, and the resulting situation leading me to be back on the lamb and seperated from my wife and family again, I'm gonna have to go ahead and give this movie a solid 5 stars. I tell ya, I've been thinking about Chevy and Dan every night since I rented Spies Like Us, and I think I may have laughed the Roxanne right off my ass.

And lastly, I just want to throw an idea at you. I'm on the lamb, can't get my mail, and lets just say I aint exactly welcome at Blockbuster or Hollyweird video these days for reason's I'd prefer not to discuss. If you could get an intern to drop off my rentals with a guy named McClain, serves bar down at Double T's, well let's just say I'd be willin' to up my rentals to the 2 ata time plan for the troubles if you catch my drift.

Let me know.

After 4 years in business I've finally made my 1st dollar

2008-03-31T12:50:00.000-07:00

By Benny Gorton

When I was a child, I dreamed of having my first business. I worked for my dad's hardware store in Woonsocket from the time I was 10 until I went away to college to study business in Harrisonburg, Va. I graduated at the top of my class and with a little help from my dad, I opened my first café in Media, Pa in 2003. I used my Italian and French heritage to influence my hidden passion, cooking.

The day I opened I bought a frame for my first dollar. I remember the day my dad earned his first dollar and had me put it in a frame. He told me that it was the proudest day of his life since the day I was born. I wanted to accomplish the same thing.

I found a perfect spot for the frame where I would put my first dollar. Right above the bar, where everyone could see it. All the doubters in the local newspaper and all the Mafioso goons that encountered me said I wouldn't make it. Well, they were wrong. The customers were rolling in. In my first year, I cleared $86,000. I managed to get the dinner crowd and then the young professionals after 10. The place was top notch.

After my first year, the only regret was-I still didn't have a dollar in my frame. It just happened that everyone paid with credit and debit cards. I thought, "Well, maybe this year will be the year." I had an even better year in 2004. We added outdoor seating and I made $102,000 for the year. But still, amazingly, no one paid with cash. I thought being right outside of Philly, someone would pay with cash. But no.

I wasn't going to get too down about it. One night though it got the best of me. I ate at the bar and had a few too many scothes. I saw someone leave a $10 tip for one of my waitresses, Tina. The place was pretty full, but something came over me. I just wanted that bill. So, I casually went over to grab it. Tina got there at the same time. I picked up the 10 spot. So did she. She yanked on it and I yanked on it. She said, "Benny, what the heck. That's my Tip!" I yelled, "I want my first dollar. It's for the frame!" The whole place was looking at us by now. We pulled on it and I did the old "tug-hard-and-let-go" trick. Tina went flying backward with the $10 bill in her hand into the wine rack smashing 30 vintage bottles of wine. The glass came crashing down and a piece stuck her right in the breast and chopped off one of her nipples. I never saw so much blood. How was I to know nipples could bleed like that? While the ambulance was on its way, I desperately rummaged through the remnants for the dollar. But the blood looked like wine and wine like blood. The customers were horrified and I was nauseated. I didn't find the bill and I had to close for a few days. I eventually got sued by Tina for $3.5 million.

I figured the only way to capture my dream was to stay re-open. I went to cash only for a while so I could get the dollar for my frame. But no one came in for 4 days, so I changed the sign on the front to "Cash and Credit, but we prefer cash." Apparently, this caught the suspicion of the IRS, so they started snooping through my records. I was in compliance, but the tax attorney I had to hire cost me a couple of grand. He only took cash too, so I had to go to the bank to get some cash. I must say I was tempted to take one of the dollars from the bank roll for my attorney and put it in the frame. But all I could think of was my dad. He earned his first dollar and I didn't. I was failing my dream.

So, I came up with an idea. I would put a March of Dimes jar on the counter and maybe someone would put some cash in. All I got was change. I thought I saw someone put in some green, so I checked to see what was in there, but when I did, I felt a nudge in my calf. I turned around and it was a small child in a wheelchair and the mayor of Media. I guess it was his kid's birthday so they took him to my place. He grabbed my necktie and told me if I pulled something like that again that he'd get his goons from South Philly to chop off my hand.

The closest I came was on October 22nd, 2007 it almost happened. An astute gentleman with a party of 7 came in the place. I knew this was my chance! This crew racked up $327 in charges. When he came up to the counter to pay, I knocked my 16 year old nephew who was working as our cashier out of the way and took over the transaction. I said, "Well, the Credit Card machine is not working." He said, "No problem!". He opened his wallet and I looked down at my nephew with glee. Everything happened in slow-motion. He pulled out a $1,000 bill. I remember screaming. Screaming for mercy…because I didn't have the change for a bill that size. I screamed, "Noooooo!!!!" and blacked out. Next thing I remember is waking up with blood on my hands and being in a cell. I recall it everyday from right here in my room at Tucker Psychiatric ward.

Luckily, I mutilated myself and no one else during the blackout. I hope to be out of here in a couple of months. My restaurant has since closed down and my liquor and business licenses have been revoked.

The funny thing is you can do odd jobs like landscapiong at the psych ward. I laid out some mulch the other day and the director gave me a dollar. I have it up on my wall and when I get out of here I'm going to put it in my frame. My daddy would be proud.

When I was your age (Part II)

2008-03-19T11:10:00.000-07:00

When I Was Your Age (Part II)

By Dad

You know when I was your age what I didn’t do? Sweat. You sweat too much. Like a fucking pig. I mean, your shirt is drenched already and we haven’t gotten into the place yet. You ever try deodorant? Huh? I mean it’s embarrassing. You sweating all over the place. The other parents look at me like I am making you do windsprints or something. You know how much I have to spend replacing your shirts because of the armpit stains? You want Daddy to spend his hard earned money so you can perspirate like you’re in an eternal steam room? For Chrissakes, you look like you work in a god damn sweatshop 15 hours a day. If you weren’t Anglo-Saxon you could pass like you’re from Calcutta. I mean it’s 50 degrees outside and you’re sweating bullets. And it stinks too. You have stinky sweat. B.O.! She has B.O.! That’s what the kids used to call people who stunk in high school. You don’t want that do you? I didn’t think so. You know what B.O. stands for? It stands for Body Odor. It’s smelly. You know when Fido does his business and you pinch your nose because it’s stinky. Well, you see what I’m doing? Pinching my nose. Because you smell like Fido’s poo-poo. So, from now on, you have to control your sweat. Daddy doesn’t want you to get made fun of, so he got an early birthday present for his little girl. Here it is. It’s called Secret Roll-on. Now, it’s called Secret so you won’t tell anybody, including mommy about it. Just roll it on your armpits. There you go! Ok, like fresh baby powder. You ready to go inside now? You feel better? Good. Now, when we go into the Chuck E Cheese to celebrate your 7th birthday, what won’t you do? That’s right. Sweat like a fucking pig. Good Girl. Let’s go…

I don't want to drive my new car no more

2008-03-04T21:22:00.000-08:00

By Angelo

I went to the dealership to buy a new car. I have a 2005 Volvo station wagon. It had 2,369 miles on it when I went to the Chevy dealership. I am a GM employee, so I figured I could get a good employee discount on a new Camaro. The Volvo had great safety ratings, which was my number one priority. But the pretty, petite cashier at Food Lion told me if I get a Camaro, that she'd go out with me sometime. I haven't been on a date since my co-workers played a prank on me by taking me to the disco and I danced with a BBW, until her boyfriend knocked out my falsetto teeth.

When I pulled in with my Volvo, the salesman put his arm around me and showed me a shiny green Camaro with all the features. Top of the line, he said. When I mentioned the GM discount, he frowned and said that that's not the way to go. He said all the paperwork and red tape would stop me from getting my car that day. He also said his terminally ill wife and his 7 adopted kids needed the commission money to get by for another few weeks before they'd get evicted from the projects. I'm not sure where the Fredericksburg projects are, but I bet it's a tough neighborhood. I played hardball and said I'd do it if he'd throw in a full tank of gas on the house. After an hour in his office, he finally came out and said after some tough negotating with his manager, he could do it. The price of the car with all the added features was $42,500. With my trade in, I got the new Camaro for $39,799. I don't like giving too much info away, so I paid cash in full. He gave me the keys and said it was mine.

After I got the keys, I walked across the dealership parking lot to see if the pretty girl, Missy, was working at Food Lion. She was there. I bought a carton of Kools and asked her if she'd like to go riding in my new Camaro. She said sure, and to pick her up at 8. She wrote her address on the back of an MVP card in felt pen and put a smiley face. I knew I was in for a big night. Maybe too big. Too fast.

I hurried over to drive my new car and when I got in I realized it was a stick shift. I hadn't driven a stick since I drove a donut truck into our base back in Vietnam in 1971. And that wasn't a good experience because there apparently were 20 Viet Cong soldiers behind the donut racks in the back. I think I was setup by the kid an hor earlier who said I could have a free truck loaded with donuts if I gave him my Mama Cass photo.

So, after a half an hour of trying to start the car, I realized you have to push the third pedal in, before turning the key. The manager seemed upset with me because the car wouldn't start and was scaring off customers. But I got the car started and when I put it in gear I rammed into a brand new Corvette in front of me. I saw security running toward me in my rear view mirror, so I jumped out of the car and zig-zagged my way through the parking lot. I got to the dealership entrance and started heaving from running the 30 yards. Luckily, my neighbor drove by and I waved him down and he drove me home.

I called a tow truck from my neighbor's house and asked him to go get the car from the dealership. He asked me why I would want to do that and I didn't have an answer. He got it towed back to my house at 7:00. I gave him $100 for the tow and asked him if he could teach me to drive stick. He said he'd give me a quick lesson for another $50. Being in a bind with a hot date in an hour, I agreed. He showed me a few pointers and said I should be ready to drive the 3 miles to Missy's.

I put on a nice tuxedo I wore on my 7th wedding day. The pants were too snug, so I put on some black sweatpants. Other than that, I looked pretty good. I splashed on some Old Spice and I started the Camaro at 7:40 and was off. I drove past the dealership and saw a policeman writing down some info where I hit the Corvette. I stopped at the red light and he spotted me. He started running toward my car and I panicked and put the car in 5 th and floored it. Unfortunately, it wasn't 5th gear, it was reverse, and I backed into a car behind me, swerved, and drove into a fire hydrant. The water came loose and gushed inside my car when I opened the door to run. The policeman told me to stop and not move. It was hard to do, because my car was filling up with water and rising quickly. I started going under and since I don't know how to swim, the policeman had to rescue me from drowning and give me mouth to mouth to resescitate me.

I guess Missy worked later than expected because she came out of the Food Lion to see what was going on and apparently saw my unconscious with my mangled Camaro on top of the fire hydrant. She laughed at me and called me a loser. She goes out with the tow truck fella now. I have to pay $17,000 for the damage to the Corvette. The Camaro is totalled. I didn't have insurance on the car yet, so I have to foot the bill for the damaged car and junk the Camaro. I also couldn't get my Volvo back. I saw the salesman driving it the other day with his friends.

I have court tomorrow for the hit and run charge. The policeman said that I probably should wear a new suit instead of the tuxedo to court. Since I have no transportation or phone, I will be taking the bus to the mall. Hopefully, I have enough money to get there.

The Blizzard

2008-02-18T11:20:00.000-08:00

I sat there in the dark living room, a little too close to the TV; an empty bottle of sleeping pills rest in my hand. I was watching the news footage that I swore to my therapist I would get rid of. The footage that inevitably ruined my life.

"We're gonna check back in with the Channel 5 Weather Center on what is now being called the biggest blizzard to hit New England since the blizzard of '78. We now go live to Mike Barron who is standing by from Rte 95 near the downtown Providence exits with a traffic report. Mike are you there."

"Thanks Brian. Well as you can see there has been no change in the road conditions. In fact both 95 northbound and southbound are a virtual parking lot. Thousands and thousands of cars are stranded as far as the eye can see, immobilized for hours, and there seems to be no relief in site."

"Mike, is there any word on whether or not this has been declared a state of emergency."

"As of now Governor Carcieri has not issued a state of emergency, but reports are coming in from State police in both Rhode Island AND Massachussetts informing us of at least 40 miles of backed up traffic which has not moved in several hours. Emergency vehicles are unable to respond to their calls, and there have been reports of people abandoning their vehicles. We ask everyone at this time DO NOT ATTEMPT TO COME OUT INTO THIS TRAFFIC."

"Mike, I'm seeing behind you what appears to be a motorist abandoning his vehicle right now, can you zoom in and show the viewers at home?"

"Right Brian. I do see a motorist aproximately 30 yards ahead of me getting out of his vehicle right now, and as you can see he is standing very fidgety. I can only assume that he is bending his legs due to severe fatigue from sitting so long in what can only be described as - OH MY GOD HE'S CRAPPING IN THE STREET!! Get a closeup on this Tony!! Brian what we are seeing here is a motorist who has gotten out of his car and is now dropping a duece in the middle lane of 95 North in front of hundreds of onlookers!! He's dropped trow to his knee's and is firing off a missile just feet from a '95 pontiac grand prix. AND HEAR COME THE HORNS!! Brian these frustrated motorists are not amused. But the frustration of the hundreds of people witnessing this act is not stopping this man from giving Sir Duke his rightful throne in this frozen tundra of an interstate. The cars around him are now growing desperate to flee the scene, and OH MY GOD THERE GOES A REAL PILEUP. And the cars are smashing into each other too. We're gonna need a lot of tow-trucks and one big pooper-scooper out here Brian."

"Mike can you give us an estimate of how many car's have now piled up out there."

"No I can't Brian. All I can tell you is that things are growing more and more intense. The man is now removing his jacket, and what I earlier mistook for melting snow on his face, actually appears to be a cold sweat. He is now gripping his driver side mirror for leverage, and his legs are shaking like my black lab Jake's do when I walk him past my neighbors rose bushes. I don't know what this guy ate earlier but from the look of pain on his face I'm just gonna guesstimate that it was a spicy chicken sandwich from Wendy's...AND I THINK I MAY BE RIGHT!! Brian, in a bizzare turn of events, the motorist is now dragging his ass directly on the snow covered highway, the same way Jake does to my living room carpet.This must have been one mean heater. But it does appear that this crisis may be coming to an end, as the motorist is now back on his feet."

"Mike does it appear that the motorist is going to return to his car?"

"No.No it does not. Although he is reaching in his drivers side window...perhaps for his keys...No, it's for his coffee.Jeez,.. this guy just DOES NOT learn! The crowd is now screaming over the blaring horns,... they are pleading with him not to drink any more coffee Brian,AND THE SNOWBALLS ARE NOW FLYING!! The man is fleeing on foot, and snowballs are pelting him in the face from every direction. This is getting ugly Brian. I'm gonna have to turn it back to you so I can cut him off at the offramp for an exclusive interview."

"Mike Barron reporting ladies and gentlemen. Keep it tuned right here to Rhode Islands own channel 5 for ongoing coverage of the guy who took a dump in the middle of traffic. We now return you to an episode of M.A.S.H....already in progress."

"Klinger I thought I told you to take off that dress!"

"And I thought I told you that you gotta buy me dinner first."

Fade to Black...

Penpal Letters From C. Everett Koop

2008-02-12T08:43:00.000-08:00

In 1986 I was a 4th grader attending John F. Kennedy Elementary School in Blackstone MA. Our teacher had assigned us the task of writing a letter to any member of the U.S. government. Most kids wrote to President Reagan, but I wrote my letter to Surgeon General C. Everett Koop. In response to my only letter I received a letter from the Surgeon General at least twice a month for the next 21 years. I have decided to publish the one sided correspondence in a segment I call:

PENPAL LETTERS FROM C. EVERETT KOOP

February 14th, 1987

Dear Jeremy,

Let me give ya some words to live by buddy; Valentines Day is a load of horseshit. Fuckin' female Christmas is what they should call it. Some people call it a Hallmark holiday, but I call those people a bunch of fuckin' queers. Call it like it is, Female Christmas!!

Take my old lady for example. Every year I gotta stand in line like some fuckin' idiot to shell out 60 clams to get some fruit to give me 12 flowers.Highway friggin robbery at it's finest.

This morning I get up and I tell myself 'C'mon Koop let's get this shit over with'. So I'm hung over like a motherfucker, it's about 9 o'clock or so, and I'm standing in line behind a bunch of amateurs who can't get their shit together. Let me tell you I just about blew my top. 'Cmon fella order your damn flowers I gotta be at the track by 10' I says to this one punk. Don't you know that son of a bitch had the balls to tell me to cool it. Said he needed get everything perfect.So I said 'well what the hell's there to get?! You want her to kiss you on the cheek you give her some carnations, you want her to make you're toes curl you buy some roses. Now get the hell outta my goddamn way.'

I tell ya Jeremy, any other day I woulda dropped him with a swift punch to the gut and left him lying in a mixture of his own vomit and tears... but not today. The Koop doesn't get violent on Valentine's day,it's just not the Valentine's way. I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic after all.

You know it actually turned out to be a good day after all. Mrs. Koop is happy with the days turn out, so I guess if she's happy, I'm happy. We're here now at our favorite restaurant, Angelo's. The Mrs. is enjoying her dessert at the table and I'm sitting here at the bar polishing off a Rolling Rock.

Hey I wrote you a Valentine's poem, check it out...

J is for the joy that he brings me
E is for the envelopes I use for his letters
R is for the Rude Dog t-shirt I sent him for Christmas
E is for eighteen; the legal drinking age in Canada (9 more years buddy- we're fucking going)
M is for MTV... I want my MTV (ya see buddy, the Koops "with it")
Y is for your my best pal in the whole world, Jeremy. Don't go changing.

Happy Valentines Day Buddy,

Your Pal,

Cool Everett Koop

1 Year Anniversary

2008-02-01T11:06:00.001-08:00

Today is the 1 year anniversary of 3 Orange Whipples. For one year, we have written stories that ultimately lead to nowhere and waste your time, your company's time, and internet bandwith. If we get a chuckle every so often, we have served our purpose. And for all this we are indebted to who else, but guitar god, Jeff Beck. Here is the letter which he may or may have not written that inspired us to do what we do:

Rufus and Me

2008-01-16T19:02:00.000-08:00

Have you ever heard the saying that when you wish upon a star your dreams come true? Well I have. And I always did believe it. But you know, the one time that a dream of mine did came true, this shooting star flew by me so fast, I didn't even have time to make a wish. Funny how things work like that.

You see one night I was having a few cocktails with my fiance Ronnie, you know down at the Miller Time Pub. Well Ronnie was really in one of his moods because he doesn't like it when I sing along to the jukebox. But if he doesn't want to hear me singing then he shouldn't have put so much Boyz2Men in that damned jukebox.

So wouldn't you know that son of a bitch walked over to the other side of the bar and starts hittin on this ho-bitch-skank-ass-ho named Jamie Anne. So I walk over to him and say "Just what the hell do you think your doing with this tramp, Ronnie James Diotardo?"

So without even enough class to look away from the fast cash ticket she was scratching away at, that strung out bitch said to me "Where's that clapping sound coming from? your cunt?"

So I pull my pepper spray out of my purse and say "Bring it Bitch."

Well she reaches into this carton of Parliaments she carries with her and pulls out this weird contraption built out of a band aid box that apparantly was a working gun.

"Look, I was the craftiest broad in over 4 county lockup's honey, so don't fuck with me."Jamie Anne said to me.

Well that was enough to throw me over the edge. So I stormed out the back door to have a cigarette and pop a Klonopin to calm my nerves.Wouldn't you know it, my pill case was empty.

"Ronnie you son of a bitch...I could just kill you sometimes" that greedy bastard stole my entire stash of Klonopin and here I was, nerves racing like a rocket.

Just then this flash came across the sky. It was the most glorious shooting star I'd ever seen, followed by a loud crash. Then from the field behind the parking lot I could hear a high pitch voice, like a little boy, calling out for help.

I ran to the field and saw the most wonderful thing I ever did see in my whole life laying right there in the tall grass. It was a giant Klonopin, almost four feet tall and three feet wide. And it had arms and legs, and a face - perhaps the most sweetest face I ever did see. And his feet were broken off at the heels.

"Well Hi there" It said to me. "The names Rufus. Sure is Dandy to meetcha"

"You can talk!!" I said in return."What are you?"

"I'm a Klonopin. Aint you ever seen a Klonopin before?"

"Well I aint exactly seen a giant talking Klonopin that shot out of the sky before."

"Hee-Hee-Hee,Gee you're funny. Mind helping me up. It seems my feet have broken off at the nubs."

"Are you're feet made out of Klonopin too?"

"Why sure they are. I'm 100% pure Klonopin. The driven snow aint got shit on me."

"What are you doing here?"

"I was sent here to tell people to just mellow out. Everything's gonna be cool. No need to sweat the small stuff, no need to sweat the big stuff either.So just mellow on out now."

"Maggie baby what the hell you doing in that field?" I could hear Ronnie yell. I quickly grabbed both of Rufus's Klonopin feet and shoved them into my purse.

"Ronnie you owe me an apology GodDamnit!!"

Ronnie jumped into his fiero and stormed off without a word, and I knew this was my chance for Rufus and me to make a safe escape.

We went back to my house and I decided it be best that I don't tell Ronnie about Rufus, seeing as how he'd just eat his head and all. So I set Rufus up with a bed underneath my sewing machine. I figured Ronnie wouldn't look there. At first I was concearned that Rufus wouldn't be comfortable, but it turns out when your 100% Klonopin, you can sleep just about anywhere.

Since I demanded an apology from Ronnie, I knew he'd be away on a bender for at least 8 days. So over the next few days Rufus and me had just a grand ol' time. And after weighing his feet, I realized that I had come into 3 pounds of pure Klonopin. But most special of all was the bond that Rufus and me were sharing.

"Maggie?"

"C'mon now Honey, you know I like it when you call me Mama."

"Oh yeah,...Mama?"

"Yes baby."

"What did you do with my feet?"

"Well don't you worry about your feet baby, Mama's just making some new booties for 'em that's all."

"But I've been sittin' at the sewing machine for 6 days now, and I aint seen you power it up once. Seem's little peculiar that's all. Unless you got another sewing machine. Ahh, you know what? Fuck it. No worries. I aint worried. I'm mella fuckin' yella. A little tired maybe, but thats cool too."

As Rufus drifted into his 8th nap of the afternoon, I had drifted into the worlds greatest guilt trip. I was starting to realize that I was no better than Ronnie for stealing my baby's Klonopin. And after washing down my last ginormous fist sized chunk of Klonopin with my special Klonopin based Tang I invented, I decided it was time to fess up. Well first I needed a nap, but then I would fess up.

I walked over to Rufus who sleeping under the sewing machine and give him a little push to wake him. He began talking in his sleep.

"Oh you want to run huh? Run all you want bitch but I'm taking you down."He said before suddenly waking.

"Baby what were you dreaming about?" I asked

"Same thing I always dream about. I was chasing cocaine. It was an old job of mine back in the late '80s...hey what's wrong Mama?"

"Well, it's just that...I ate your feet. I'm real sorry."

"Wow.No shit huh. You ate my feet? Fuck it, no worries."

A wave of sweet relief ran through my body when Rufus forgave my poor behaviour. However, the feeling was quickly followed by panic when I realized I was once again without Klonopin. I had an idea. I didn't like it, but I had to do what I had to do.

"You know what you need baby? A HAIRCUT!!"

"No, that's cool. I just feel like chillin tonight."

But before he knew it, I through a towel around him and began scraping away the top of his head with a boxcutter. And sure I felt a little greedy, shaving the top of his head completely flat, but he did look handsome. Just like my brother Lonnie. You know, the one in the Air Force. And even though Rufus screamed in terror the whole time, I figure it was a win-win.

"Baby, look how handsome Mama made you look." I said as I gathered up my new stash. "Now Mama's gotta go make some fresh Tang." I said as I walked out of the room.

As I was washing down a fresh new chunko'Klonopin I heard screaming coming out of the other room. I ran into see what was going on and there was Ronnie. Sure enough, he was chomping away at Rufus's head, just like I knew he would. That no class son of a bitch.

"Ronnie get the hell away from my Klonopin."I yelled.

With a mouth full of yellow powder he told me to quit my yappin'.Thats when I grabbed his shotgun.

"I mean it Ronnie, now you leave Rufus alone."

'Watcha gonna do? You gonna shoot me?"

"Hey, chill out everybody" Rufus protested " No reason to get worked up. Everybody just cool on out now."

"Goddamn I gotta eat some more of that thing." Ronnie said.

Well that did it. I was gonna blow that mother's head off. I pointed the shotgun right at Ronnie's head.

"I warned you Ronnie. See you in hell you son of a bitch!!"

I pulled the trigger and a loud blast came out of the barrell as the shotgun bucked into my shoulder. I missed Ronnie completely and hit Rufus square in the center of what was left of his head. A giant cloud of yellow powder splattered back onto my face, as the fragile remains of his body fell onto the floor and shattered into dust.

Ronnie jumped for joy like he just hit the lotto as I fell to my knees and wept with a pain I aint never felt before.

When the dust settled I told Ronnie not to bother getting my engagement ring off of layaway and we went our seperate ways. I don't know whatever happened to him and I don't care.

As for me, I moved to Alaska to get a fresh start. But not a day goes by that I don't think about my sweet little Rufus. In fact the happiest days of my life were when it was just Rufus and Me.

So I Think I'm Gonna Start Doing Steroids

2008-01-08T17:46:00.000-08:00

By Elliott "Brock" Ruzetti

So I think I'm gonna start doing steroids. Now I know you're probably thinking thats a bad idea right? It's common knowledge that steroids can be detrimental to ones health. Well I'm gonna start doing A LOT of steroids, so I won't be gambling my health away for nothing, so don't worry about it.And when I say A LOT of steroids, I mean a real shit load of steroids. Like enough to kill a horse. And not your average horse either, I'm talking about killing a fuckin' Clydsdale. I think it's a great idea. The best I've had in a while actually.

So now you're probably thinking to yourself, 'hey Elliott, why do you even want to use steroids? You don't work out. You're not into sports. In fact you don't even really lead a very active lifestyle'.Well that's not true at all. I don't ever use the elevator at work. I huff it all the way to the 3rd floor everyday (except on the way in, but thats because I'm usually carrying a coffee and I'm not one for stains)

And besides that, it's a very simple reason; power. It's like this you see, I was at work today and as I was walking to the crapper I passed the copy machine and I threw a fake jab at it. Then I thought to myself, if I really took a good jab at the copy machine, I mean really tighten my shoulders and lean my body weight into it, I could probably fuck that copy machine up. I'd probably loosen a few components inside of it, maybe knock the side panel right out of its chasis. But if I were on steroids!! I could just smash the copy machine with one light jab (of course I wouldn't throw a light jab, - not my style) and cause the entire thing to buckle like a re-enforced card house that was assembled in an overseas manufacturing facility.

And I wouldn't stop there. No sir. If I had the power that I really would like to have I could walk down the stairwell that leads to the vending machine and I could rip out the entire steel hand rail and swing it around. Let people know how bad ass I am. Then everyone would call me Brock, like I want them to (I haven't really asked anyone to start calling me Brock yet-I'm a little self conscience, and I'm not sure how the people in the office would take it). But if I were to rip out the steel hand rail like it was nothing, well then they'd all be like ' Fuckin A' Brock is a powerhouse. He should be a crime fighter or a bouncer.'

Of course I haven't told my wife about any of this so keep all this on the DL. She's probably not going to be cool with the roid rage that I'll inevitably go through, but she'll get used to it. I figure it'll be like anything else. You start a new endeavor and your family just has to deal with an adjustment period. It's just that the adjustment period for this endeavor might involve smashing the kitchen floor with the toaster oven until either the chord comes off or it falls completely through the hole in between the kitchen and the drop ceiling in the basement that I'll be creating with the toaster oven itself. Either way it'll be worth it when I'm so powerful that I can punch my way through a public mailbox, say if she were to drop off a netflix rental but then changes her mind and wants to keep it another night.

The more I think about it the better the idea sounds. I really should get started with this. The only thing is I don't really know where to get any steroids, so I'm gonna try some old tricks. Like when I was in high school and I wanted to get some beer, I used to hang out outside of liquor stores and ask people if they'd buy for me. I figure that will probaly work if I hang out at gyms. The thing is though is that most gyms require a membership and a contract and all that shit, and I'm not really into working out, so just like high school I'm just gonna hang out in the parking lot until I score a good 'roid hook-up.

Yes sir now that I've really thought this thing through, theres no doubt in mind this is a great idea. In fact, I can't think of a single reason not to start doing steroids.

Catch ya on the flipside,

Brock

You’re going to like everything, I guarantee it.

2008-01-01T19:25:00.000-08:00

George Junior: "What's up with Dad lately? He keeps guaranteeing everything. It's getting kind of annoying."

Mrs. Zimmer: "Georgie, you know after the holidays your father gets stressed. There's a lot of financial expectations for his company and it's just the way he is."

Katie: "Yeah mom. He guaranteed I would get an 'A' in Geometry. I told him I had a 'C' going into finals. I just don't think I'll get an A!"

In walks George Zimmer, CEO of Men's Wearhouse. He begins to cook up some eggs.

George Z.: "Good Morning everyone. I figure I'd cook up some eggs. Scrambled ok?"

Mrs. Zimmer: "Thanks sweetie. Yeah, that's fine!"

He whips them up faster than anything and pours everyone a glass of orange juice.

George Z: "Here you go everyone. Scrambled Eggs. You're going to love the way they taste, I guarantee it."

Mrs. Zimmer:"I'm sure we will. Oh George! They're wonderful."

George Z:"That's right! Well, I'm off to work. I'll be home for dinner, I guarantee it."

6:05 rolls around. The kids are home from school and are at the table for dinner. Chicken Cordon Bleu.

George Junior: "Dad's late! Wonder what's going on?"

The front door thrusts open. George Zimmer is bolting for the dinner table.

"Am I late?" he asks.

George Junior, "Yes, you are. I thought you guaranteed you'd be home on time!"

Katie: "Yeah, and I got a B in Geometry. You lied to us!"

Mrs. Zimmer: "You kids behave! Your father tries his best. George, maybe you shouldn't make so many guarantees, especially to the children."

George Zimmer's face gets red as a lobster.

"You people don't understand! If I don't guarantee something then what's the point? Huh? People lollygag all the time like 'OHHH, I'LL GET THERE WHENEVER. Or, MAYBE I'LL GO TO THE WEDDING. OR, MAYBE I'LL LOSE SOME WEIGHT BUT JUST NOT RIGHT NOW.' WELL, THE WORLD IS A PLACE WHERE YOU NEED TO GUARANTEE IT. AND I'VE FAILED AS A HUSBAND, A FATHER, AND AS AN EMPLOYEE!"

"Honey, you need to calm down!"

"No, you need to calm down. You see this suit I am wearing? I looked in the mirror today and I don't like the way I look! I can't even guarantee my own suits anymore! What's happening? I have guaranteed everything since 1973 when I opened my first store. You remember honey, the night in the graveyard?"

"George, don't talk about that in front of the kids?"

Katie: "What night?"

George Zimmer wells up with tears. "It was the night I made a deal with the devil. He said for 35 years everything your guarantees will come true. But you know what today is? It's 35 years to the day!"

Mrs. Zimmer: "Oh my god, NO!!"

George Zimmer: "Yes. Yes, it is!"

The kids begin to cry and there suddenly are loud knocks at the door.

George tells his wife and kids to hide in the closet. He opens the door. There is a line down the street of businessmen with suits and receipts in their hand yelling and causing a riot.

George goes and gets his shotgun. He looks in the mirror and realizes it's the end. He speaks to the mirrored image of himself. "Dear devil, just give me one more guarantee. Just One!"

For a fraction of a second, the devil appears in the mirror and gives a sarcastic nod.

"Thank you!"

George runs downstairs and opens the door. "Ok all you fuckers! Your all going to die, I guarantee it!"

He unloads shell after shell into the businessmen. Gunshots roar through the night..

Police show up and get into a gun battle with George. He's no match and takes a SWAT team's sniper shot right through the chest. As he falls to the ground gasping for air, his mind begins to fade. He lies on the ground seeing hundreds of suits stained in blood…He calls out, "Devil? How about a freebie for that Red Suit you got on?"

Magically, the blood from all the suits disappears. Any holes or imperfections fade into the night. Anyone wearing a suit has it transformed. Hems appear, jackets lengthen, 3 button suits go to 2. The colors change to make a perfect color palette to match the customer. It is truly like he died and went to heaven. As he closes his eyes to die in peace, he hears a voice.

"Dad, you guaranteed I'd get to my ball game on time. We only have 10 minutes to get there!"

George opens his eyes. It was all a dream! But it's not over….He made a guarantee. 10 minutes. That's impossible. No, it's impossible for some, but not George Zimmer. He thinks to himself, "Let's win one for the Zimmer."

"Son, let's take the corporate jet. We'll land on the ball field. You fly, I got a suit to hem on the way."

"Dad, there's no way! I don't know how to fly!"

George Zimmer picks up a shiny red suit and a sewing kit.

"Yes you do, I guarantee it."

The Adventures of Marty the Meth Addict II: Christmas At the Mall of America

2007-12-20T06:32:00.000-08:00

Minnesota is where the good crank is and no better place to find it than at a mall between the twin big ones. Especially with all this crazy holiday shit going on…Hi there kind sir, you got some meth on you? Meth. Methamphetamine. I don't give two shits if you fought in Korea. I am trying to score here man. Am I high? You bet your goddamn veteran ass I am. But I'm going to get high as sly stone. And you ain't gonna be part of nothin' there girlfriend, you hear that? Now go bless America you, you, canteener..Geesh.

Okay. Spencer. Always a good place for meth. Hey what's this? A fly in an ICE cube. WOW! Did I say a fly in an ICE cube? You got some? Cool. Where at? To the stockroom? You work here? No? Sweet..

Man they got some weird shit back here. Puff Puff. Oh yeah, that's the one. Marty Dog is in TOWN! Hey, hand me that Gorilla mask right there. Check this out. Roar….I'm Marty the Gorilla. Rooarrr. He-he-he.

Oh, hello officer, mall guy security person.. Nothing going on back here. No, I don't want any trouble…Hey, ya know, my cousin is a mall security guard down in Athens, Georgia. Dave Bryant. No…I think his name is Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Donnie Bryant.. Down in Georgia. At a mall. In Athens. No, Macon. You know him? No? Are you sure? Tall guy, kinda overweight too, plays the harp…Come with you!!? Um, sure, just let me get up here..….I'M BOLTIN" BIATCH….Marty's on the run!!! Excuse me-excuse me. Get out of the way. Roaaarrr….

Can't get this fucking mask off…Fuckin Glued on..FUCKING CHEAP TAIWANESE GORILLA MASKS!…Excuse Me….Oh, looks like the only way away from him is across the ice skating rink. Slide Gorilla Slide!!! Raaahhhh!!!!! Get outta my way you little bastards. Don't shoot that puck at me..The sign says no hockey you little....Ohhhh,you better not, whoaaaa.. What a save!!!! Ha-Ha!!! Teen Wolf 3,starring Marty the Goaltending Gorilla!!!! Move out of my way. Rooaarr!! What are you looking at? Haven't you ever seen Gorillas on Ice? Tell your momma to take you sometime.

Ok made it across. Gotta hide somewhere. Flight simulator? In a mall?It's my only shot. Oh, shit the cops are getting neaaar!. Hey man, how much to ride this thing? $5 bucks! Are you crazy? I can't take this mask off, it's glued on. Here. Let me in. How long does thing last? 15 minutes. Ok cool….. Fucking Marty the fighter pilot. Yeahhh baby, let's send this bitch up!!! Don't shhh me, You be quiet...Whoaa. Takeoff baby! Oh, this thing really moves around!! Whooaaahh! Oh shit, We're gonna crash!!! I'm sorry for all my sins! Whew. Uh-oh, I don't feel so good. Oh No…Ughh…Let me outta here. Rooarrrhh.I'm puking. Let me out of here. The puke is in my mask. I'm gonna drown in my own puke!!! Ecckkkk. Please. Oh thank you. I can't breathe…Help me. Rip off this mask. Please. On 3? Ok, I'm ready. 1,2,Ahhhh!!!!. Oh my gothe!!!. My lips. They're gone. Where my lipth? Oh they're bleeding. Oh the copsth, the COPSth!! Gotta go…

Dress Barn. They'll never find me in here. Let me just hide inside one of these shirt racks. Woof. Safe. ..I guess I'll just light up right here!!! He-he-he!!! Oh yeah. High and calm. High and calm. Who's this looking at shirts? Oh shit, some fat bitch with kankles. Don't panic. Oh, no, don't move the XXLs… Oh Hello mam, How can I help you? What am I doing in here? I work in here. Yes, mam, sure do. The Dress Barn customer service counter has been moved inside this round shirt rack. Do you have any exchanges? Security? Oh no you don't, you fat bitch….Oww! Stop that! That hurts! I gotta get outta here…I'm claustrophobic. It's tight in here! There's a lot of shirts on me woman. Somebody Help! Help!

I'm stuck. Fuck it!!!! I'll just take the whole rack with me….Hrrrrr. Hrrrr…What are you looking at? Never seen a walking Dress Barn rack before? I'm on sale everybody!!! Marty's on sale…Everything is on sale. He-He-He…. Gotta get this thing off me. Can't see anything!!! Oww!!! Oh, hello Santa. Hey. Mind if I sit on your lap while those coppers run by? Good.

Well, it's been a while since I left you milk and cookies. Sorry about that. But I would like a round trip Greyhound bus ticket to see my buddy Rex over in St. Louis. He's got a mad meth lab there that'll make all your reindeers noses red. He-he-he. That way you can get rid of that gay ass Adolf one.

Excuse me elf, getting kinda hungry here. My problem? What's your problem? Oh, so you think that Candy Cane is going to hurt me. C'mon little man. I'm 6' tall and 115 pounds. I'll crush you. Oh, so you're gonna be like that huh? Oww. Hey! Get off me! Help! Somebody help Marty! Get these elves off me!

Don't hit me in the mouth man. I'm sorry man. I only got two teeth left man…Oh no.. Arrrhh. Oh, my mouth. The candy cane hit me wight in the mouth. My teef, dere gone again..Oh god. Oh Santa. I'm sorry, so sorry.. I changed my mind. All I want for Cwristmas is my two front teeth. Pwease man. I can't eat anything man.
Wait, what's this? A gift for me?. Can I open it? A bag of Meth? Oh, thanls Santa. I knew Santa was real. Do you remember last Christmas Eve? I saw you looking for last minute gifts in a trash barrel in South Richmond. That wasn't you? It looked like you. He had a red hat on and everything.

Oh man! Yes! Well, here come the cops…Thank you again Santa. Mewwy Cwistmas Ewebody! Now get on this sleigh cuz Marty is gonna make it fly!!! Right after Saint Marty goes behind the manger and has a quick smoke, he'll take all you kids up, ok? Ho-Ho Everyone! Have a Marty Christmas!

"To the Tune of Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer"

Marty the Meth Addict,
Had a very runny nose,
From snorting all manmade chemicals,
Also known as pseudo- blow,

All of the other meth heads,
Would leave Marty behind,
So Marty took on the streets,
Snorting anything he could find.

But Then one foggy Christmas eve,
Santa came to say:
"Marty with so many lesions on your face,
Would you go headfirst down the fireplace?"

So, next time you're drinking your egg nog,
At your work holiday party,
Start off a conversation,
About the Adventures of Marty.

Ask a CEO: Who Would You Rather Do?

2007-12-03T19:36:00.000-08:00

Often times the key to success is understanding the minds of the successful. In this edition of Ask A CEO we decided to ask 5 Fortune 500 CEO's, Who would you rather do?

REX TILLERSON (Exxon-Mobil)

30W: Who would you rather do...Alyssa Milano or Bill Walton?

RT: Who's Bill Walton?

3OW: He played for the Boston Celtics in the early '80s.

RT: Was he a black guy?

3OW: No.

RT: Well then in that case I'll take Alyssa Milano.

H. LEE SCOTT Jr (Walmart)

3OW: Who would you rather do...Anne Coulter or Clay Aiken?

HLS Jr: I don't know. I guess I'll take that little dykey chick. Anne Coulter looks too much like a dead transvestite for me.

KENNETH D. LEWIS (Bank of America)

3OW: Who would you rather do...Laverne or Shirley

KDL: Whats it gonna cost me to get Lenny and Squiggy on that list?

LAWRENCE ELLISON (Oracle)

3OW: Who would you rather do...Sarah Jessica Parker or a Mrs Buttersworth bottle?

LE: Well, Sarah Jessica Parkers kind of overrated, so if you break the Mrs. Buttersworth bottle, I'll go with that.

RUPERT MURDOCH (News Corp)

3OW: Who would you rather do...Martin Lawrence or...

RM: This interview is over. You think wasting my time with this nonsense is funny? Well you're not gonna get away with it you asshole. Your journalism days are over. I'm a powerful man, YOU'RE FUCKING WITH THE WRONG GUY!!!

3OW: Well if you'd let me finish, I would have told you that he'd BE in the fat suit he wore in Big Mama's House

RM: OK I'm listening...

Penpal Letters From C. Everett Koop

2007-11-19T19:09:00.000-08:00

In 1986 I was a 4th grader attending John F. Kennedy Elementary School in Blackstone MA. Our teacher had assigned us the task of writing a letter to any member of the U.S. government. Most kids wrote to President Reagan, but I wrote my letter to Surgeon General C. Everett Koop. In response to my only letter I received a letter from the Surgeon General at least twice a month for the next 21 years. I have decided to publish the one sided correspondence in a segment I call:

PENPAL LETTERS FROM C. EVERETT KOOP

November 24, 1986

Dear Jeremy,

Well buddy it's Thanksgiving day and am I ever fucked! Fuckin high school football games! It's my only vice (besides chasing Korean poontang). So I drop 3 grand by 11 o'clock this morning, you know which wouldn't be so bad in itself, but if I don't get that cash back in the bank before my wife mails out the mortgage check, I'm gonna be in the dog house until they cancel Hill Street Blues.

I just dont need this shit this month. I've really been on a tear. I was at a conference in Cincinatti last week, and I run into Lee Iakoka in the hotel lounge. Fuckin prick that guy. So he's sittin there at the bar and I sit down about 3 stools over and order a scotch.Then Iakoka lights up a camel. So I walk over to him and I say "Hey...I'm C. Everett Koop", and he goes "Yeah I know." So I says "then put your fuckin cigarette out, you should know better." He tells me to take a hike. So I respond by picking up an ashtray and smacking him in the ear with it. The ashtray cracks in 2 and Iakoka starts crying like a teenage runaway's first night in the whorehouse. To make a long story short, the bartender calls 911 and I drop $2,800 bribing the Cincinatti PD.

And I put a call in for a little "company" for after the nights festivities. So I get up to the room a little late, and Mai Ling is charging me for the 3 hours that she was waiting.The whole thing was a bust anyway because I was steering the ship but my sails weren't a-hoisting if you catch my drift. Plus she stole my wallet and robbed the mini-bar.Never take your eyes off an Asian broad ,Jeremy, thats the first thing they teach you in the Navy.

So I've been pulling in a little on the side betting on the high school games. you know,the local boys are 7-2, so I figure it's a fuckin lock. I put $500.00 down and the boys are really pulling through. I'm out there in the bleachers drinking some Wild Turkey (it is Thanksgiving, so I was keeping with the spirit), and anyways I start feeling good. Real good. That's when I notice my buddy McCalister, (he's an ex-army colonel and works at the deli- he's a hot shit). Well he's down $800, and asks me for a spot. So I challenge him to an Army Navy wrestling match, winner takes all. So we go behind the bleachers and I give him a TOTAL PUMMELLING. It was a fine thanksgiving workout if I've ever seen one. I didn't have the heart to take his money seeing as how the man was a WWII vet, so I spot him $2,500... and wouldn't you know it, the local boys lose it 28-10. Fuck it. Right Jeremy?

So anyways I got the whole family and the grandkids running around the house today, making noise, pissing me off. I just had to sneak off and pull up a table and write to my best buddy Jeremy. After all, with a good pal at my side like you it doesn't matter how much trouble I get in at home anyway. Happy thanksgiving buddy.

Your Pal,

Cool Everett Koop

P.S. I met Tony Danza in Cincinatti. I got his autograph for you.

(enclosed with the letter was a losing scratch ticket with some scribbled writing on the back, which was apparantly Tony Danza's autograph)

When I was your Age (Part I)

2007-11-15T17:21:00.000-08:00

By Dad

So, what the fuck is wrong with you kids these days? Now, the new craze is energy drinks. First it started with Red Bull. That was a pretty cool alternative, for what do you call them, oh yeah, PUSSIES! Now, they have Spike Shooter being banned from high schools. What a bunch of sissies! Kids can't even handle a fucking can of this shit. When I was your age, we started with Vivarin. We fucking popped 6 or 7 of those badboys and had jitters for two days. Hell, I even took some before I played North Providence. I completed 70% of my passes because of that shit. But that was just the beginning, then we got creative. We started drinking Robitussin. Yeah, that stuff mom gives you when you're whining about having a cough. You get knocked out from two tablespoonfuls, right? Well, what we used to do drink half the fuckin bottle. Yeah, sure it was nasty but it beat looking for a bum to buy us beer and was the cheapest hallucinogenic out there. Right there at your local CVS, 7-11. Anywhere, 24hrs a day, you could get this shit, just like at the store around the corner next to your bus stop. Then they started coming out with like 12 different kinds, Night-time, Cough, Cough and Cold, Cold, etcetera, etcetera. Well, the secret is in the DM, baby. You gotta make sure it's on the back, otherwise it won't work. Go with the name brand shit because that Wal-Tussin crap will make you sick. CVS ain't bad. In fact, that's where it all started. Aisle 15b-Cough and Cold. Oh, the good ole days. Anyway, you stay away from that stuff now, you hear me? And stay away from these energy drinks too. Because if they say it's bad, then it probably is. Ok, buddy? Good talk, pal. Now, the babysitter should be here soon. Mom and I will be out until around 11. Probably gonna score some coke and have sex in that motel down the street after we get some dinner. But, you be in bed and behave, ok? And stay out of our bathroom's medicine cabinet, especially that Tussin stuff. Alright. There's the doorbell, now go get changed. Ok, buddy…

Rock Stars needed; NO YOKO'S

2007-11-07T21:04:00.000-08:00

By Jake J. Pachomski

I am gonna start a band. That's right. I'm gonna play lead guitar and we are gonna rock! Rock is here to stay, baby! All I need is a drummer, rhythm guitarist, and a lead singer. Oh, yeah, and a bassist. We will be called Hot Cross Buns. I already made the T-Shirts with the band emblem on it. It's a picture of a railroad sign near my house. You know, with the yellow X on it? Except, that I put a Betty Boop sticker on the sign with her showing off her ass! How rad is that?

I already got the practice space geared up. My mom's ex-boyfriend Keith lives in this motel that was converted into apartments. He said the room next door was condemned,so last week him and I got plastered on some JD and took a sledgehammer and busted a hole through his kitchen into it. It was pretty nasty in there, but I cleaned it up pretty good. I got rid of all the syringes and milk cartons. I laid some plywood down and ran the electrical through Keith's bathroom through the hole. I figured it's got a ground fault on it for hair dryers, so at least we got some protection once we CRANK IT UP!

Lighting has been a problem. So, I rigged the place with some Coleman Propane lanterns from Walmart though, so we should be good at least 12 hours of nighttime shredding. Let's burn the Midnight Propane, baby!

Keith said I got a toss a nickel bag his way every once in a while to cover the electricity and deal with the complaints he's gonna get from the other tenants. I said no problemo, amigo. He also agreed to manage us once our band gets going just as long as it doesn't interfere with his shift as 7-11..He's good with numbers, I mean he pays his bills on time, he's a cashier and of course, he could always tell my mom how many beers she had to drink before punches were exchanged.

So, I'm pretty much ready to rock. I put out some flyers at the liquor store and various bulletin boards throughout Milfurd. I did that cut up and pull off the bottom of the paper with the number attached action and it has my cell number on it, so people don't even got it write it down. Whoever came up with that rocks!

I been writing some songs, I have about 30 of them almost half done, and one completely done except for the drum solo. One is a Tesla meets Danzig meets Type O Negative, called Vampire Woman, Kiss Me Where the Moon Don't Shine. It's got this bad ass opening riff, like wah-woo-wah-woo-wah-woo-wah-wah-woo..It's fucking mint.

I got another one that's kind of a country-blues tune called, Cash in your Chips, and Swing your Hips. It's got some steel guitar action in the beginning with some foot-stomping beat. I had Keith clapping some irons together and hitting the mouth of some Bud bottles with pencils so I could keep rhythm. I laid that one down on my boom box. I am trying to make it into a ringtone, but I'm not too technical savvy. That'll be our band webmasters job!

Well, that's it for now. I'm just waiting for the phone to ring and start auditions…I'll keep you updated. Rock On!

Trilogy of Terror

2007-10-30T12:44:00.000-07:00

The writers of 3OrangeWhipples present to you The Trilogy of Terror: Crass Cuisine's Halloweenn special, Nuclear Walkman-Man, and the terrifying When You're Here You're Family. Warning...these tails of terror are not for the faint of heart!!!!

Crass Cuisine: Hot Platin' with Jamie Anne's 2007 Halloween Extravaganza‏

2007-10-30T12:42:00.000-07:00

"Hey everybody, welcome to a very special episode of Crass Cuisine: Hot Platin' with Jamie Anne, I'm Jamie Anne, and it's officially a Halloween party in the fuckin' kitchen tonight."

Camera pans back to show that the kitchen consists of a hot plate propped up on an ironing board which is running on a generator outside of a Ford Econoline van.

"As you can see I've renovated the kitchen recently. My fuckin' landlord thought he was clever by boarding up the window outside the fire escape, but fuck that, he won the battle I won the war."

A crowd of misfits standing in the yard of the apartment Jamie Anne was just evicted from (and where the van is currently parked) starts cheering. Nobody is wearing a Halloween costume.

"First things first, let me get into my costume and get this party rockin'"

Jamie Anne opens the side door to the van and climbs in past a large pile of clothes scattered through the back. We can see clothes flying out of the van as we can hear Jamie talking over the generator from inside the van.

"What the fuck....Where the fuck...this is fuckin' bullshit...WOOOAAAAWWW...Come here my pretty!!!"

Jamie Anne jumps out of the side door wearing a cheap rubber devil mask with a lit cigarette hanging out of the breathing hole. She holds a bottle of Robitussin above her head as if it were a victory.

"Aint I just a little devil? ok. First I'm gonna show you all how to make Jamie Annes famous party punch. You can use this for your own Halloween party, or whatever really. I mean, fuckin' A, I used to make this all the time when I used to follow ZZtop. I remember one time I thought I could've swore they played their Tejas album in its entirity, but you know what, it turns out I was actually just in my parents basement watching my little brothers band practice. It was fuckin amazing though. And they usually sucked!!"

"So you start with a bottle of Tussin, any tussin will do. You don't have to go gourmet with this shit.This aint the fuckin' Ritz Carlton. You know what, Fuck this costume I can't fuckin breathe (Jamie takes off the mask and throws it).
Now I know that tussin is good enough on its own but it aint a punch if you don't mix it with something. So you get some good whiskey (jamie pulls up a pint of Aristocrat Whiskey) and just mix and shake. Wah-Lah. Oh you know what...lets really jazz this shit up. If you happen to be on Lithium or can score some lithium, I highly recomend you add it to your punch. First make sure your hot plate is still cold and dump 'em out on it. Then you take out your ID and a dollar and give it one,two,three good crunches until it's nice and powdery, and slip it into your pint.And Wah-Lah again."

A naked man comes running frantically out of the woods while screaming "It's the end of the world...the sky is gonna swallow me!!". The man runs straight into the cameraman knocking him over. The camera now holds an angle sideways on the ground of Jamie Anne who is yelling into the crowd in the backyard.

"Ronnie what the fuck did you give Jake? Hey Ronnie...Hey what the fuck is Jake on? ....MESCALINE!!! And what, you weren't gonna share?!?! Thats fucked up man. I just threw a months worth of Lithium into this punch for everybody and your fuckin' Bogartin the mescalline."

"Calm down Jamie baby I was trying to surprise you thats all."

"Fuckin' Ronnie. Your too good to me. Go ahead and start crushing them on the hot plate I gotta get this show moving already."

The camera man straightens out the camera as Ronnie chops up mescalline on the hot plate.

"Look at my little sioux chef over there. Great job Ronnie!! Now, you just dump the mescalline into the pint and WAH-LAH!! Jamie Annes famous party punch. One part whiskey, one part lithium, one part mescalline and one part Robitussin. All part delicious!! Bottoms up."

Jamie takes a large rip from the pint and passes it to Ronnie. "Now I guess I still gotta cook something else for the show. Chicken Cacciatore maybe...fuck that I don't want to eat nothin'."

Jamie then proceeds to vomit on her sandles. She grabs the ironing board to hold herself up but knocks the ironing board and hotplate onto the ground before she falls flat on her back and proceeds to start laughing hysterically. She then jumps to her feet.

"Shhhh. Everybody shut the fuck up!!.......did you hear that?"

(long pause)

"What?"

"I said shut the fuck up. Do you hear that?"

The crowd stands still with a confused look on there faces, as Jamie stands completely still as if in a deep trance for several minutes.

"Oh shit, I'm in the middle of a fuckin' show aint I. You know what this show could use? Some fuckin' Black Sabbath. Does anybody got any Black Sabbath in there car? Hey I'm fucking talking here!"

Jake comes running back into the frame from out of the woods and knocks the camera man over again.

"The sky is gonna swallow me"

"Jake cool out man. Don't you know the sky has already swallowed you man. Yeah man we've all been swallowed by the sky. We always have been."

"Wow Jamie..thats fuckin heavy."

"I know Jake. I know. now be cool. Just be cool. Just be- (suddenly she puts her devil mask back on) ROOAAARR!!!"

Jake screams and runs back into the woods. The camera straightens out while Jamie lights a cigarette through the breathing hole in her devil mask and walks to the camera.

"Thats all for this episode of Crass Cuisine Hot Platin with Jamie Anne. Join me next week and I'll be making chicken cacciatore."

Nuclear Walkman-Man

2007-10-30T12:37:00.000-07:00

David Thorne was an MIT student doing an internship at the Northeastern Nuclear Power Research Center during the great radiation leak of 1988. While the alarms blared, and the facility was evacuated, young David sat through the entire incident unaware of the catastrophy he was enduring. He never heard the alarms because he had his walkman on full volume; a mixed tape of Huey Lewis and the News kept him distracted. By the time he made it out of the toxic site he was devoured by radio-active molecules which had permanently fused his DNA with the now SUPER-CHARGED walkman, the batteries of which would NEVER DIE.

David survived the incident and went on to become a world renown scientist, despite the fact that the incident had left him with his walkman permanently fused into his writing hand.The Huey Lewis mix tape blares through the headphones he can never remove from his ears to this very day.Brilliant, resilliant, radioactive, David Thorne IS......Nuclear Walkman-Man!!!

Our hero stands stage right at a commencement speech for the freshman class of 2012 at MIT.The class sits anxiously while waiting to be addressed with a welcome lecture....

"Dude I heard they flew Stephen Hawking in for this speech. How rad is that?" says Carter Mondale to his dorm-mate Jefferson Parish

"No way, Stephen Hawking?" Jefferson replies. Dennis Barron leans in between them from his seat 1 row behind the two freshman and chimes in.

"Dude, thats nothing. This dude named Proffessor Thorne is gonna be speaking today. Turns out that dude was in some nuclear meltdown and has a radioactive walkman stuck to him that won't stop playing. He's supposed to be completely brilliant but he's so fucking crazy from the walkman that he loses his shit at the drop of a pin."

"No way!!" reply Carter and Jefferson

"Dude, I'm telling you." answers Dennis

Just then Susan Hockfiled, the 16th President of MIT made her way to the podium as the crowd errupted into applause.As the applause turns to silence, Susan begins to address her audience.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I welcome you all to MIT." The crowd errupts in applause again, and as before, draws down to silence in the auditorium. "We have a very special guest today who needs no introduction. Mr Stephen Hawking will be sharing his thoughts on physics in the new millenium. But first I would like you to welcome one of our most prestigous proffessor's of nuclear science and engineering, Proffessor David Thorne."

The crowd errupts in applause as Thorne makes his way to center stage, waving his walkman hand at the audience. He gives a warm sincere smile from the right side of his face, the left side is crippled from a migraine headache he's had for over 8 years.The crowd's applause once again gives way to silence, this time the awkward silence of an astonsihed crowd which has just been caught offguard. Thorne only makes the awkward silence worse by attempting to gauge the applause which has already died out. He is unaware that the overflowing music from his headphones are being picked up by the mic and sent over the PA system very faintly.

Don't need money, Don't need fame,
Don't need no credit card to ride on this train
"GOOD MORNING AND CONGRATULATIONS."Thorne yells into the mic causing the audience to jump in there seats. Due to significant hearing loss, and the fact that he has to talk over a blaring walkman, he is unaware that he always yells."CONGRATULATIONS FOR WHAT, RIGHT? I MEAN, HEY, WHY IS THIS GUY CONGRTULATING ME, RIGHT? BECAUSE YOU ARE ALL ON YOUR WAT TO BEING THE NEXT GENERATION OF GREAT MINDS THE WORLD HAS TO OFFER, THAT'S WHY I'M CONGRATULATING YOU. I MEAN IT GUYS. I ONCE SAT OUT THERE, RIGHT WHERE YOU ALL SIT NOW, BEFORE THE SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGHS OF THE LAST 2 DECADES WERE UNCOVERED, AND I KNEW THE POSSIBILITIES OF WHAT AN MIT GRADUATE WOULD CONTRIBUTE TO SCIENCE WERE ENDLESS WAY BACK THEN.I'M TALKING BEFORE THE DNA CODE WAS CRACKED WIDE OPEN, BEFORE CLONING, STEM CELL RESEARCH,BEFORE THE HUBBLE TELESCOPE, BEFORE TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH'S THAT WE NOW TAKE FOR GRANTED LIKE THE INTERNET, WHICH WE ALL KNOW GAVE US ACCESS TO INFORMATION THAT KNOWS NO BOUNDS"
dip-dip-dip-dip they say the heart of rockn'roll is still beating
"AND FROM WHAT I SEEN I BELIEVE 'EM. UMM WAIT A MINUTE! I MEAN I REALLY BELIEVE YOU WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE,SCRATCH THAT I KNOW IT!! I MEAN IT GUYS, I KNOW YOU WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE, BECAUSE I KNOW THE DEDICATION IT TAKES TO JUST GET TO THE SEAT YOUR SITTING IN NOW. IT TAKES A REAL POWER OF LOVE TO GET THERE!!BUT YOUR THERE NOW! AND SOON SOME OF YOU WILL STAND WHERE I STAND NOW!IMAGINE WHAT THE WORLD WILL BE LIKE THEN! WILL THERE BE HUMANS WALKING ON MARS? WILL THERE BE CURES FOR ALL THE HORRIBLE DISEASE? WILL HUMAN BEING'S BE ABLE TO MAXIMIZE THEIR POTENTIAL TO LIVE ON MINIMAL ENERGY NEEDS? WHAT KIND OF ENERGY SOURCES WILL WE LIVE ON? WHERE WILL SCIENCE LEAD US? YOU WILL DECIDE THAT!!YOU MUST UNDERSTAND THAT IT WILL BE UP TO YOU, FOR YOU WILL BE THE LEADING SCIENTIFC MINDS OF TOMOROW."
one that wont make me nervous, wondering what to do
one that makes me feel like i feel when i'm with you
when I'm alone with you
"YEAH I SEE A GUY IN THE 3rd ROW WITH HIS HAND UP, AND I'LL ANSWER HIS QUESTION RIGHT NOW- YES I KNOW I'M SCREAMING OVER A WALKMAN, THANK YOU FOR POINTING THAT OUT FOR ME EINSTEIN! I GUESS I NEVER NOTICED THAT I GOT A GODDAMN WALKMAN FUSED TO MY HAND PLAYING THESE HORRIBLE SONGS FROM HUEY LEWIS AND THE GODDAMN NEWS UNTIL THIS JACKASS IN THE 3rd ROW POINTED IT OUT TO ME!!WELL THANK GOD YOU CAME TO MIT PAL, I'VE BEEN WONDERING WHAT THAT FUCKIN SOUND WAS FOR THE LAST 19 YEARS!!LOOK IT DOESN'T SHUT OFF!! (Thorne starts slamming his walkman hand into the podium in a fit of rage) IT DOESN'T EVER SHUT OFF!!!EVERY DAY WITH THE GODDAMN HUEY LEWIS!!IF I COULD SHOOT WITH MY LEFT HAND I WOULD'VE BLOWN MY BRAINS OUT 16 FUCKIN YEARS AGO!!"

Susan rushes out and takes the mic away from Thorne as a team of security guards and doctors wrestle him to the ground and sedate him.

"Please welcome Stephen Hawking"....

When You're Here. You're Family.

2007-10-30T12:34:00.000-07:00

Jeremy was clocking out at the Olive Garden he worked at in Spring City, Utah. It was his first day, and he was relieved to be done his 8 hr. shift. He was anxious to go out and have a few drinks in his parent's basement. As he was heading to the door. His boss, Jeff Warren jumped in front of him. "Where you going there Jeremy?" "Home. My shift just ended." "Well, that it did, but don't you want to stay here and hang out with your new family." Jeremy turned around and saw about 15 Olive Garden employees. The men with their arms folded and the woman with kind of dazed look in their eyes. Jeremy felt the pressure and caved, "Yeah, I can hang out..What are we doing?"

Jeff Warren gasps, "Whew. Well, Jeremy we are going to go hang out at the church out behind the building and talk about God. Come along…"

All the employees followed Warren like ducks in a row. Jeremy felt a rub on his back and turned around. It was a young girl, maybe 15, smiling at him with a confused look in here eye. He looked behind her and saw another guy, Luke, kind of poking her in the back like he was pressuring her to do it…

Once they got in the church, Jeff Warren turned off the lights and turned on this laser light show. The organ started playing Haunted House music and a spotlight showed on Jeff Warren, He was on a rising platform with fireworks shooting out from the sides. It was like a KISS concert..

"Thank you my fellow Olive Garden employees. We here understand that when you're here, your family! Let's proceed with the marriage of Gary Fungumun and Lisa Adams. An Applause sign started blinking behind Jeff Warren and the employees all started clapping. Lisa came out in a wedding gown that Jeremy had seen in the Olive Garden stockroom earlier in the night. She was also young, maybe 16. Gary came out. He had Alfredo sauce on his apron and must have been 5o years old. He had a shit-eating grin and grabbed Lisa's hand and pulled her to the front. The organ started playing "Here Comes the Bride" with an amplifier blaring a loud voice saying, "Yooourre Family Noowww." Jeremy thought to himself. "This is fucking creepy." The spotlight shifted to Jeff Warren who had magically made his way to sea level and was reciting strange passages about arks, Ted Kennedy, the Devil, and Pabst Blue Ribbon. Next thing you know, their married. Gary drags Lisa out of the church and everyone claps!!!

Jeff Warren continues, "Ok. A few announcements. Cheslea was seen outside the Olive Garden parking lot after curfew. Cheslea what were you doing at 10:03 last night?

I was following a deer I saw in the woods. I only was across the street..

"ENOUGH\! Fellow Employees, what should we do to Cheslea for her blasphemous act?"

Someone yells out, "Shave her head!"

The men cheer in agreement.

"Shave her head it is!" Jeff Warren yells.

"The girls and guys pounce on her and drag her to the front of the church. Some old hag woman comes out of nowhere with garden shears and starts chopping her hair off. Chelsea complies and remains still while they spray shaving cream on her head and begin shaving her with a disposable razor. When done, Chelsea returns to her seat with everyone else, her scalp bleeding from the shaving.

"In other announcements, we have a new member of our family, Jeremy Wilton who has come here from the big city of Baton Rouge. Let us Welcome Jeremy."

The spotlight shifts to where Jeremy was sitting but he is not there. A window nearby is open, and the Olive Garden employees rush to look out it. They see Jeremy sprinting away."

Jeff Warren cries "Let's get him. Arm yourselves!"

The Olive Garden employees whip out knives, salad tongs, stale breadsticks, and jars of subpar spaghetti sauce.

Jeremy sprints across the street and sees a huge pasta bowl structure, almost the size of a stadium, Its too big to go around. A door straight ahead is his only chance. He opens the door and a encounters a flight of stairs. He runs down the stairwell. And runs, and runs into the darkness. He feels like he is 1000 feet below the street and is out of breath. All of a sudden a voice comes over an apparently installed PA system.

"Jeremy. Jeremy. This is your boss Jeff Warren. Do not run anymore. Youy are in the endless pasta bowl Jeremy. The only way is down into the depths of hell!" "Please join us. You will have lifelong friends, a wife, or 2 or 3 perhaps, and eternal happiness under my discretion/"

Jeremy retorts, "NEVER!"

He continues down the steps and hears a car to his left. He jumps off the stairwell and falls for what seems like forever into a pit. The pit smells of salad dressing and he finds himself somewhat stuck. "What the fuck? He struggles to swim through the lettuce. "Thank god its that cheap iceberg shit." Finallly, he reaches shore. It's still dark all around him, but he feels he is actually on land. He hears farm animals nearby and races towards them. He emerges from the woods and sees a farmhouse in the distance. He gets to the farmhouse and bangs on the door. An old man answers, "My god son, what happened to you?" "Sir, you gotta help me. The owner of the Olive Garden is trying to kill me!!" "What, that crazy bastard. Ok. I'll call the cops. Go sit down in that room over there and lock yourself in. No telling what that crazy bastard will do…

Jeremy catches his breath and runs into the living room and locks the door."He leans down with his back to the door and opens his eyes. There are thousands of lobsters crawling around. The old man's voice comes over a loudspeaker in the room. "Welcome to Spring City, Utah Jeremy. How would you like to work at our fine Red Lobster?"

For a kick-ass week, I recomend Myanmar‏

2007-10-10T00:51:00.000-07:00

By Albert Burger

Wow gang, what a vaction!!! My wife Linda and I decided to break up our usual two weeks in Orlando with a week in Central Yangon, and let me tell you, we couldn't have timed it better.

At first I was resistant at the idea of travelling to Myanmar. Linda was really persistant that she needed some culture in her life, and I stood by my argument that the epcot center would give her more culture than she could cram up her wazoo. Plus, we'd still be able to shuttle over to MGM studios to catch the Indiana Jones show, which would give me the adventure fix I was seeking. Ultimately I gave in since we fund all of our travelling on her inheritance from her parents. "My dead parents, my rules",she said.You can't argue with that.

I gotta admit I didn't know what to expect in Myanmar, in fact I never even heard of the place. And when we first arrived on Sept 27th and were told we couldn't even leave the airport because the country was under "martial law", I thought, 'oh my god, next stop snoozeville'. And it only got worse from there.

Linda and I managed to sneak out of the airport OK, and thank god the hotel was only a block away because you can't catch a cab if your life depended on it in that town. So after walking a block while carrying our luggage and dodging tanks in the street, I was ready for some room service and a bud light from the mini-fridge. But get this gang, the room service girl denied me service. She was totally frantic, telling me that we "were in inherent danger" and needed to "take cover". What a drama queen.Strike one for the Myanmar Hilton.

So then I go to the mini-fridge and there was NO BUD LIGHT. All they had was Castle lager, some shitty Lager brewed in South Africa."Fuckin yuppies and there microbrews" I screamed at Linda while slamming the mini-fridge door, "What type of hell-hole did you drag me to?!!"

So I changed into my new Indiana Jones t-shirt I just picked up while we were at MGM, threw on the fanny pack and we hit the town. Thats when things got interesting.

In case you haven't been to Myanmar, and aren't familiar with there customs, I'll break it down for you. MONKS GONE WILD. It's even rowdier than a Jimmy Buffet concert. I mean these monks know how to have a good time.

They were outside breaking windows, throwing rocks, fighting, there were shots fired into the crowd. I mean it was awesome. What a sight.

So I says to Linda "Hey Linda go stand next to that guy thats on fire I wanna get a picture of you." And she did but the guy kept moving and it wouldn't come out right. I told him to stand still but he was just yelling and screaming. Not listening really. So then I walk up to this cop in riot gear and ask him "hey buddy you know where I can get a Bud Light around here? All they got is this imported shit around here. Fuckin Yuppies and there microbrews right? Hell I'm so desperate I'll even drink a Miller Lite right now." Turns out the cop didn't speak a word of English. Can you imagine that? In this day and age.

So the good news was the riots continued the whole week we were there. In my opinion it was like a cross between Indiana Jones and Mardi Gras. So in the end my wife got her share of culture and I got my adventure fix, so it was a win-win.

Definately can't wait til next years Yangon Autumn riot festival. I'll be there -front row!!!

Your Pals,
Al and Linda Burger

Play it again Sam

2007-09-29T00:57:00.000-07:00

Edie Sands stood in the break room stirring her coffee, trying to shake off her lingering first day jitters, when suddenly she became startled by not only the words being spoken by the man leaning against the counter, but also by the realization that she never even noticed him standing there.

"I bet you like your coffee like you like your martinis.Strong.You're my kind of woman. You don't let anybody steer your boat do ya kid? Well,... you got a lotta sass alright. A lot of sass."

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it doll."

The mysterious stranger stared dashingly at Edie as he threw his empty paper cup over his shoulder and into the waste basket while slowly walking out of the room. Edie's supervisor Jeffrey walked into the break room a moment later.

"Jeffrey who was that man that just walked out of here?"

"That was Sam Moriarty.He's got the big office in the corner"

"What does he do here?"

Jeffrey stared blankly as he realized he was pondering this question for the first time in the seven years that he's worked for the company.

"I don't know.Kind of strange now that I think about it."

Jeffrey poked his head around the corner to watch Moriarty make his way into the large open room of occupied desks, and busy workers.

"Son of a bitch! Don't freeze up on me now. My goddamn reports due in a half hour!" Henry Russell cried out as he slammed his palm into his desk.

"Say, whats the big idea"

"Sam this computer is useless. It freezes up on me everyday. I spend more time on the phone with IT then I do getting any work done."

"Well that's no reason to go around beating up on some perfectly good office furniture.What are you some kind of lunatic? Why I oughtta send you up to the funny farm with that sorted behaviour of yours."

"But Sam its the end of the quarter!"

"Now don't you say another word, 'cause I don't want to hear it! What you need is a good cool down. Take the afternoon off. Well go on, get out of here!"

"But Sam, my report is"

"Go on, scram!" Sam raised his backhand to Henry. He stopped himself only when he saw the look of horror on Edies face. He quickly composed himself, lit up a cigarette and extended the open pack in Edies direction."What do you say dollface?"

"Oh my God! What the hell's wrong with you?"

"Theres nothing wrong with me porcupine.Nothing at all see. Its this mixed up topsy turvy world thats got a problem. Everybodies so caught up in the hustle and bustle of big city life that they don't take any time to smell the roses anymore. You got people who have never even lived a day in their life before they gotta take that big ride in the back of a cadillac limousine all the way up to toe tag city.And I'll tell you something else sister, when the man upstairs asks you to join in the great poker game in the sky, the only losers are the ones who are too busy guarding their chips to play a hand. Well that aint gonna be Sam Moriarty baby!" Sam,unaware of his own actions, suddenly grabbed Edie firmly by the arm, shaking her by her bicepts "Do you hear me?!?!..That aint gonna be me."

Sam walked off leaving Edie with a confused look as she stood next to Henry Russell, who was still hunched down in his chair with his hands blocking his face.

As Sam reached his office he was approached by Jimmy Flynn, a fresh faced, hard working young man just out of college. Jimmy was very fond of Sam, and Sam was quite touched by this.

"I finished waxing your car Mr. Moriarty."

"Say that's great kid.Why don't you step into my office and I'll buy you a drink."

"But I don't drink Mr. Moriarty."

"Even better Kid, you can buy me one."

They entered Moriarty's office. It was a huge room much different from the cold, grey, corporate holding cell outside. One might suspect it would be different, based alone on the fact that it was the only office with a large frosted glass door which read Sam Moriarty. Sam's office had hard wood floors, a large, well finished mohagany desk with a bottle of bourbon and 2 glasses on it. In the corner was a fully functioning grandfather clock.Hanging on the wall behind his desk was a portrait of Sam standing in his trademark trenchcoat and hat with an intense glare on his face. The window's had wooden shades blocking the sun, and in the direct center of the room was a large bearskin rug.

"Sit down kid, take a load off"Sam motioned his hand to the hard wooden chairs in front of his desk as he poured himself a tall glass of straight bourbon. "I got an important job for you Kid. You think you're up for it?"

"Sure thing Mr. Moriarty"

"Say, I thought I told you to call me Sam."

"OK Mr. Moriarty."

"Thats more like it"

Just then the door to Moriarty's office came flying open and in walked purchasing manager Martin Duke with an infuriated look on his face.

"Moriarty!! Did you tell Henry Russell to take the afternoon off again?!?!"

"That's right. What's it to you anyways?"

"WHATS IT TO ME?!?! WHATS IT.... DAMNIT Moriarty, Henry is my employee NOT YOURS.And as a matter of fact, so is Jimmy here. Go on Jimmy, get back to work"

"Now wait just a minute Duke. The kid works for me now see. So I suggest you turn your kiester right around and get the hell outta my office before I sock you so hard your gonna be wearing a T-bone for an eyepatch until Labor day. You hear me?!!"

"I've heard enough. I'm calling HR and having you terminated." Duke walked over to Sam's desk and grew more frustrated after making a failed attempt at a phone call to HR. "Goddamnit, how the hell do you even call an extension with a rotary phone. This is just goddamn riciulous. Forget it I'll call them from my own office."

Duke stormed out of Moriarty's office leaving the door wide open behind him. Sam responded by retrieving the same switch blade from his desk drawer that he used to kill the bear that now lay as a rug in his office. He rushed around to the front of his desk and made a dash for Duke with the blade extended. In a panic Jimmy jumped up and grabbed Sam by his arm to stop him.

"Mr. Moriarty don't!"

Sam made one last look back at Jimmy while simutaneously preceeding out the door of his office, accidentally ramming the switchblade between the ribs of Edie Sands who was a mere passerby at the wrong time.

Edie pressed her hands into her side and turned white instantly at the site of the blood now on her fingertips while collapsing into Sam's arms.

"Oh no... Say it aint so kid.Say it aint so. Don't leave me now dolface...you just can't leave now.Why, we were just getting a good thing going, you and me see.Well I know I aint always the perfect gentleman baby...but I was working on that. And there was supposed to be time. Why there was gonna be plenty of good times between you and me kid, real swell times. Like the time me,you, and Jimmy over there, we was gonna take a ferry out to Martha's Vineyard and take a drive out to the country. Maybe buy a little place of our own.Away from all of this see. Why there was gonna be plenty of good times for us dollface. Just stick around a while, you'll see. I need you to just... just stick around a while."

Sam looked down to find that Edies eyes would no longer be able to look back at his. EMT's came rushing across the room, and whisked Edie from Sam and onto a gurney. Sam stood very calm with a look of shock which seemed to excuse him from the chaos around him as he continued talking to noone.

"There was supposed to be time see. There was supposed to be time."

Sam made his way out to the busy streets. He walked across the avenues without looking in either direction, subconsciously zig zagging his way through gridlock traffic. Taxis honked and drivers yelled at him, but he didn't even acknowledge them. With a newspaper under his arm and rain beginning to fall, he turned the corner and made his way down 23rd to Gary's Pub.

He walked in the bar,his entrance greeted by bells attached to the glass door. Gary came from the back room of the dark bar and looked at him and said, "What'll be Sammy?"

"Martini. Make it quick, make it dirty, and make it with a twist of the good old days. You remember the good old days, Gary?"

"Yes, I do Sam. Like they were yesterday, But you Sam, you keep the past alive."

Sam removes his hat and places it on the bar. He lights up a Marlboro and swings his barstool around until it comes in line with a portrait of FDR.

"Damn right Gary, and it comes with a price. But, hell, I got the cash to cover it."

THE END

The Redneck Afficiando's Netflix Reviews vol. 1

2007-09-19T08:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Netflix,

I know it is standard protocol to submit all movie reviews via your website, but I'm afraid I have no choice but to write my review and send it snail mail, as I am currently incarcerated and facing assault, disturbing the peace, carjacking, and DWI charges after watching the 1970's mega-musical "Grease". Grease is the tale of tough guy Danny Zuko (John Travolta) and his romantic involvement with Sandy (Olivia Newton-John), which begins as a harmless Summer fling, but gets increasingly complex as their senior year of high school unfolds. I rented this movie to put an end to my wifes endless nagging which started soon after I got loaded at Double T's and drove our Range Rover through the garage door. And although I don't aprove of high school kids dating, to my surprise I found the clean cut humor was delivered perfectly from this stellar ensemble cast. And the musical score was down right infectious. So much so that my wife and I decided to break out the matching red sweatshirts, fire up the karoake machine, and lock ourselves in the basement to prepare a talent show for our 7,9,and 23 year old children.
Seeing as how Saturday's are family fun day in this household, we decided to debut our new act during the afternoon karoake jam at the Pub 99.And even though we practiced our routine for days, I gotta admit, I was a little overwhelmed with stage fright. My family ordered their meals but I had to prepare myself mentally to get up and sing "Summer Days" in front of what looked like at least 12 people. So while my family split an order of mozzarella sticks, I started off with 6 shots of Jack Daniels.Once I ordered my 2nd round, my wife (Ms. Romantic Comedy lover from Rhode Island), was immediately on my case just because I began yelling at my kids to hurry up and eat so we could go out for Chinese. I told her to shut her hole, 'cause aint no Yankee devil woman gonna tell ME I couldn't have a Mai-Tai'. Just then I noticed my feet were tapping to an upbeat familiar melody being piped through the sound system. I stood on my chair and began to clap my hands and do the boogie woogie as my wife nagged me to sit down. My 23 year old daughter held her face in her hands with a look of embarrassment, which immediately infuriated me. "How dare you ruin family fun day for your brother and sister" I screamed at her. Just then my anger would reach an ALL-TIME-HIGH when I realized the song was "youre the one that I want" from the Grease soundtrack. Here I was waiting in line to steal the show at the Pub 99's karaoke jam with a selection from the movie Grease and someone else was moving in on my territory. When I turned around to see who signed up for a pummelling courtesy of this here good ol' boy, I saw the most shocking and angering site of my life. "Youre the one that I want" was being sang duet style by two males... two homosexual males!!!
"THIS IS A TRAVESTY!" I yelled out. I immediately ran over to the gruesome twosome, picked up a microphone stand and smashed the CD player, causing sparks to fly as the music died. I then ripped both mic's from their hands and announced my moral victory over the sound system. "Grease was meant to be wholesome family entertainment, and I will not stand by and allow it to be made into a 'gay thing" I declared. And as I said 'gay thing' I used my hands to make air quotes. The M.C. yelled that he was calling the police, so I grabbed a butter knife off a table and began poking him in the side. Unfortunately it was not sharp enough to pierce the skin, so I probably gave him a few bruised ribs at best. I then dropped the butterknife on the floor and decided to flee. I ran into the parking lot and ran directly in front of a Chevy Cavalier filled with teenage girls forcing the driver to brake just before hitting me, sending my torsoe sailing onto her windshield. I then jumped off the hood, opened the drivers side door and through the driver onto the asphalt as I took the wheel. I couldn't help but think that the cracks on the windshield I created looked like a large silver spiderweb. And with the combination of screaming teenage passengers, lack of visibility, and 6 shots of J.D., it wasn't long at all until I had lost control of the vehicle. Ironically enough I slammed directly into the side of a Blockbuster video store, and was arrested momentarily after.
All in all, I can't give Grease a full four stars, because I feel that the Bee-Gees disco-esque theme song which played over the opening credits was a departure from the 1950's period piece the filmmakers were shooting for, which in my book was a total sellout on behalf of the producers. So I'm going to give this movie a solid 3 1/2 stars.

I'm Going to See This Email Chain Letter Through

2007-09-05T02:07:00.000-07:00

By Donnie Waldron

Mindy, the head cheerleader at Hopeless High is talking with some classmates,

'Today is a blessed day. Send this to ten of your friends and your dreams will come true.'

"That was the email chain letter I forwaded two weeks ago. I sent it to ten friends. Since then, I have been soooo lucky. Like yesterday, the guy charged me 1.59 for my Arizona Iced Tea instead of 1.69. And, then, I got all green lights all the way to work and was 5 minutes early for like the first time in a month. So, I said to my mom that all this great stuff was happening cuz of that chain letter. So, I tracked down all my friends and their friends and their friends' friends just to make sure it was still going. Apparently, it totally has stopped because it got forwarded to this one loser who can't find 10 people to forward it to. I asked him what the deal was and he was asking me all these dumb questions like "Can I send it to people who already got it.?" Che. I mean, don't you know the rules buddy? So, I told him he better forward that thing by the end of today or I am going to go psycho on him."

That loser was Donnie Waldron.

"I've got this email chain letter. My reputation depends on me sending it to 10 people. I could just send it as spam, but that bitch would follow up on me and be like, "Who's that loser?" She's the beauty queen at our high school, so she could pretty much ruin me in one or two periods and then I'd be done for. So, I have decided that for once in my life, I am going to see this thing through. I started trying to talk to people at the mall. It was awkward, cause I am not an outgoing guy. Kind of a loser to be honest. But hey, I tried and got no where. I was going to quit right then, but I remembered the time I quit soccer, the trumpet, Resident Evil III, watching Battlefield Earth, church, clipping my nails, all those things. The only thing I never quit was smoking and masturbating. Anyway, I just started picking up the phone and calling classmates I didn't really normally talk to. Most of them were confused and called me a freak. One girl in my math class I talked to for a while, but when I mentioned the chain letter, she said she already got it. So, I hung up on her, because what more is there to say?"

So, I hit the streets. I took the bus to downtown and started getting in with some homeless people. They were actually pretty cool. At first. I told them that this letter could change their life and I'd help them set up a free email account at the local library. So, me and 9 homeless dudes went to the library together. I set up accounts for them. I wasn't really sure what to put, so I just put homeless_guy1, homeless_guy2, and so on. Their password was all "ripple", so they could remember it. So, I logged in my account and was about to send it to them, when I felt a poke in my back. One of the guys had a knife and told me to login to my online banking account and do a money transfer to his Paypal account. So, I transferred the $251.45 I had saved for the last year cutting lawns to his account. I turned around and asked if I could still send the chain letter and they said, "No. No idiot believes in those stupid things!" and they tossed me down the concrete steps of the library. At the exact same time, Mindy and her friends were driving by in their convertible and saw the whole thing. That dick Juno yelled, "Loser Fag!" and they all started laughing. Mindy yelled out, "You got til 6:00 loser!"

I scraped myself off. Humiliated? Yes. Disappointed? Yes. Injured? A little. But I was going to see this email chain letter through. Who knows? Maybe it was bring me some solace after all.

With it almost being 5, I decided to just access our school's website and get our faculty email addresses. I found 10 of them, 4 which I had classes with, and just forwarded it.

Done. I could go to bed and enjoy my weekend.

After another boring weekend of George Lopez reruns and XBOX games, I felt good about what might come of me. I met Mindy's demands and something good could come out of this. I walked into school happier than I had been in years. But all that changed. Real fast.

As soon as I got through the front door, I walked into a hostile environment. All the jocks, geeks, cheerleaders, and even the retards were lined up against the wall laughing hysterically at me. At the end of the hallway stood Mr. Pickens, the principal. He was waving an angry finger at me. What happened?

I slowly walked down the hall taking insults and paperclips to the head.

I finally got to Mr. Pickens office and he showed me a photograph.

"Do you know what this is umm…Donnie?"

"I'm not sure, but it looks like a woman's vagina."

"Bingo. Now what the heck were you doing forwarding this email to my teachers."

"It was a chain letter that the students were forwarding so I figured for my dreams to come true I could forward it and then all bad things would…"

"Shut up. Chain letter? You kids still believe in those things. Hope I'm dead and buried when you guys get in the workplace..No, this was an email originally to a Dr. Donnie Waldron."

"That's my father, I am Donnie Jr."

"No shit. Really?!!! For a minute there I thought you were a doctor."

"Really, well I appreciate that but.."

"I'm joking you idiot. You really aren't too bright are you?"

I lowered my head and said, "No."

"Well, apparently this is an email to your dad, an OB/GYN, from a patient about a rash. Do you share an email account with your father?"

"Yes, but it's only temporary until he gets his computer setup at his new apartment. With the divorce and all I guess I was.."

"Stupid? Careless? Careless and Stupid?"

I lowered my head and said, "Yes."

"Well, do you know whose vagina that is?"

"No. I guess from a lady. A black lady?"

"Well, you're getting smarter by the minute their Donnie. That vagina is Mrs. Robertson. You know, you're math teacher."

"Oh no."

His eyes got big like that bad guy golfer from Happy Gilmore. "Oh yes Donnie. Oh yes."

He got right in my face with a devilish grin. "No, I want you to get up and get out of here and don't come back for 2 weeks. You're suspended."

I walked out of his office and everyone was laughing including him. I felt horrible. I took another long walk down the hall. As I neared the door, I looked up at Mindy.

She shook her head, "All you had to do was forward it loser. You ruined it for everyone."

I said, "I sure did. But that bitch will never give me a D in her class again-that nasty, skanky, gonorreah-ridden slut. Oh, and if I were you I wouldn't continue sleeping with that 23-year old PE teacher either. Cause he tagged that skank months ago and just found out he's got that shit too, which of course means, so do you. Happy Web-MDing you bitch."

Chain letters do work after all. With two weeks of vacation, I can finally finish Resident Evil III and forget about hanging myself.

Dogfight of the Century: McGruff the Crime Dog vs. Michael Vick

2007-08-24T06:07:00.000-07:00

"This is going to be one for the ages. An all out fight to the death between Michael Vick and McGruff the Crime Dog. Ironically, this one is held in a cage, so there's little chance of escape. Let's take a look at what led to this and what transpired as a result"

Back in August after Vick plead guilty, McGruff came out and challenged Michael. Here's the press conference that took place at McGruff's doghouse in upstate NY.

"On behalf of all canines and animals, I just want to say what a disgrace this man is. I feel that prison time is not enough. So, since I'm in the Criminal business, I have pulled some strings. I have spoken with Judge Henry Hudson of the Richmond court and Roger Goodell, commissioner of the NFL. We have agreed that if Michael and I fight in a death match and he wins, he may go free and be reinstated in the NFL as soon as next season. If I win, well, Michael's dead. I'm here to tell you Michael. Yes, you. That this is your only chance. Through me. But I'm gonna tell you, I'm ready to train and when the match is over, I'll have once again "Taken a Bite Out of Crime"!"

Larry Dongo, ESPN Boxing Commentator: "Unbelievable. After deliberating with his attorneys, the elusive QB chose to take McGruff's challenge. That brings us here tonight. Let's go to Johnny Prenana, our Boxing Analyst. Johnny, what do you think about tonite?

"Well, it's hard to say. I have never seen a dog fight a human before in a cage match. Michael's quick and McGruff ain't no puppy. He's 27 years old and in Dog years, that's pretty fucking old. So, I'd have to hand it to Michael."

"Thanks Johnny. Well, Vegas agrees. They have Vick winning with 3 to 1 odds. Let's go to Howard Fink for the announcement.

"Ladies, Gentleman, Bitches, and Bastards. Thank you for coming to Madison Square Garden for the Dogfight of the Century. Let's get ready to ruuuummmbbblllleeeeeee! Coming down the aisle, from Newport News, Virginia, weighing at 190 pounds, the dog killa, Michael Vick!"

Booes drown out the crowd. Bones, biscuits, cellphones, everything is being winged at Vick and his entourage. Don King stands by Michael's side with a big grin on his face as Prodigy's "Smack my Bitch Up" plays over the speakers.

"Wow. This crowd is pumped up. Wait a minute. Section 300 is howling and barking. I've never seen so many dogs."

"Yes, Larry. I think the final count was about 10,000 canines here tonight. Some with their owners, some without."

"Unbelievable. Let's here McGruff's intro"

"Now approaching the ring. From Syracuse, New York. The Crimedog himself. Weighing in at 80 pounds, it;'s MGrfffffff, the CRiiimmmeee Dog!"

"The crowd is giving him a standing ovation. Wow, he looks good coming down in his standard Trenchcoat."

McGruff gets near the ring, takes off his trenchcoat and hands it to his manager Brian Griffin.

The referee gets them in the middle of the ring. McGruff is on all fours. Vick towers over him.

"Ok guys, no gloves in this match. Not sure where you can hit and can't hit. And there's no rounds, so I really have no purpose here. Just shake hands and paws and let's get it on!"

Vick puts out his hand. McGruff spins and leg sweeps him, bringing him to the ground.

The crowd cheers!

"Wow. McGruff means business. The bell has sounded. Here we go!"

"Michael is jabbing at him, trying to measure him. He's got the reach advantage. McGruff is taking some hard shots and just growling. Ohhh.Vick caught him with a right!"

Vick starts talking smack to McGruff, "That's right old dog. Can't teach an old dog new tricks. When I'm done with you, I'm taking your dead corpse to the rape stand, bitch.

McGruff sprints past Vick and bounces off the ropes and leaps into the air with a cross body check on Vick. Vick goes down and McGruff is tearing up his leg.

"Ahhhhh! Ahhhh!" Vick is yelling in pain.

"Wow Vick is really screaming in their. Oh my god. McGruff isn't!??"

McGruff walks around the ring pumping up the crowd and then goes up to Vick's head.

He lifts his hind leg up and urinates on Vick's face. The crowd is eating it up. The song, "Who Let the Dogs Out" explodes and the crowd responds with "Ruff! Ruff! Ru-ruff!"

Vick is unable to walk and blood is spewing out of his Achilles heel.

McGruff starts doing Hulk Hogan impressions and walks up to Vick. "You'll never play again Number 7.Ok, enough is enough. The viewers got their 49.95 worth. McGruff climbs on the top rope and jumps off and nails Vick with a flying elbow. McGruff walks around the ring showboating some more.

"McGruff better hurry and finish him off!"

McGruff trots over and lunges for Vick's neck, but Vick moves out of the way and reverses it and bites him back. Vick has his jaw clenched on McGruff.

"Oh my, the tide has turned!!!!"

McGruff is yelping in pain. Vick wiggles McGruff around with his teeth and finishes him off. McGruff is lifeless in the middle of the ring.

The crowd is silent.

Vick crawls on all fours since he can no longer walk. He's got a sick look in his eye like he really has become a dog. He crawls out of the cage and starts barking at everyone. The dogs in the crowd start barking back and after a 5 minute barking standoff, the dogs stampede down the aisles toward Vick. Vick fights them off growling and biting, but he is overwhelmed. The 10,000 dogs all pile on him and rip him to shreds.

Johnny Prenana screams, "This place is complete chaos! Larry let's get the hell out of here!!!"

Larry Dongo casually gets up with his cordless mic and is looking into the camera. Meanwhile, bodies are flying everywhere behind him. "There you have it ladies and gentlemen. Vick has defeated the Crime Dog, but has not defeated his demons. He has become possessed you might say. Well, there you have it. What a mess. The Janitors are going to be working late tonite."

The crowd scurries out of the stadium as vicious dogs rampage the place. It all empties out into the streets of New York. 10,000 dogs on the loose and cops trying to spray them with pepper spray. It's no match. The dogs have taken over.

"Well, irony strikes again. Man's best friend has become man's worst enemy and turned on every man, woman, and child. It looks like a dog's best friend is well, just another dog. Perhaps, Vick broke the valuable circle of trust between human and his canine companion that existed for so many years.

And from where I am standing, it looks like McGruff's legacy not only took a bite out of crime, but a bite out of the Big Apple. Good night everyone."

E-Harmony.com's Bitch

2007-08-13T20:42:00.000-07:00

As I walked through the hallway of the multi-unit apartment building I live in, I couldn't figure out why I was in such a good mood. It could've been the 12 inch hoagie under my arm or the bag of Cheeto's I was munching on, but really I think it was that I'd been waiting all day to come home and kick my roommate Andy's ass at some old school Tekken on my PS1 that I dusted off last weekend. Last night we were up until 6 AM and I kept using the same combo, and let me tell you I WOOPED HIS ASS...BAD!!! He didn't win a single fight. He actually started tearing up just before he stormed off to bed. It was sooo funny. Plus he uses the girl character so I called him Candy all night.

So today at work, it was a little hard for me to pay attention to my spreadsheets considering I was too busy laughing my balls off. I sent a few instant messenges to the people in his department telling them that he was crying over a 9 hour Tekken beatdown. He got so pissed off that people were ripping on him and calling him Candy, that he actually screamed at his boss and got sent home with a written warning. Yo, that is some money shit right there. So naturally I was looking forward to an awesome night. I was definately gonna make him cry again. I could just feel it.

As I got close to our unit I could hear the TV cranking from the hallway. I recognized what Andy was watching. It was an E-Harmony.com commercial. I could hear that annoying-ass song.."This could be - an ever lasting love.". You know the song. LAME. Everytime I see that old guy in the commercial, and all those pussy-ass couples that just love talking to each other I just wanta bitch slap somebody. Mostly that old dude in the commercial. If I ever see that guy I'm gonna give him a DDT. Jake the Snake style.

When I walked in the door, Andy was sitting on the couch and he looked pretty T.O.'d. My Playstation was unhooked and packed back up in the cardboard box it was in. From the look on his face I realized I may have gone too far. I was gonna have to try and make it up to him.

"Cheeto?" I asked, shoving the half eaten bag under his nose. He didn't respond, he just stared at the tv with an angry look on his face. Oh well, I thought to myself, I tried my best.

"Alright Candy, hookup the Playstation and put your lipstick back on."

"I'm watching this."

"Your watching Fraser?! I don't think so. C'mon pussy hookup the playstation."

"I told you I'm watching this!"

"Well I aint watching Fraser so stop being a be-yatch and hookup the playstation. And get me a PBR while your up."

"Fine! Take the TV then!" Andy yelled, his voice giving way to a wimper as he stormed into his bedroom.

I was on my own it seemed. I sat back, ate my hoagie, threw back a few PBR's, and watched a couple of episodes of Fraser. It got boring quick. I wanted to get my Tekken on.

"Andy" I yelled as I walked to his room.

"Go away" he replied

I walked into his room. He was sitting at his desk logged into his laptop. He immediately lowered the monitor which made me suspect he was looking at porn. I decided not to say anything, since he was being so sensitive. I just wanted him to come hang out.

"Come on Andy, lets play Tekken."

"I don't want to."

"Andy...give the goddamn porn a rest and lets play some Tekken."
By this point I was tired of being a nice guy about the whole thing, and my patience was wearing thin. So I walked over and lift up his monitor, and sure enough, he's registering for E-harmony.com. I just had to laugh when I saw that.

"Ha-Ha-Ha. You ladies man you."

"Hey at least I'm trying to get a girl.Unlike you. You'll never get a girlfriend."

"Yeah right. I gotta beat the ho's off with a stick. Happy wife shopping Be-Yatch." I turned around and left, closing the door behind me as I sang "This could be - an everlasting love."

So I didn't make him cry. It still turned out to be an awesome night.

That Saturday night I came home from the Gamestop with the new Spiderman game and a fresh sixer of PBR as Andy was getting ready for his hot date. He was standing in the mirror sweating bullets, checking his hair. I couldn't wait to see what kind of beast was gonna walk through the door. I cracked a fresh PBR, opened a snackpack of cheeto's and waited for the show to start.

There was a knock on the door and Andy ran to open it.

"Andy? Hi. It's great to finally meet you."

"Hey April. come on in.This is my roommate."

"Cheeto?"I offered.

"No thanks."

"Your loss." I said. And I meant it too. To my surprise, she wasn't half bad. I mean she wasn't hot, but I'd do her.

"So what's the plan" April asked.

"Well I figured we could go out to dinner. The limo should be here any minute." Andy replied.

"Yo, you hired a limo? You still owe me six bucks!" I was pissed.Little did I know at the time that was only the beginning of me getting pissed at Andy and this girl.

Within a week she moved in, quit her job and started ruling Andy with an iron-whip which was directly attacched to her hoo-ha. She was of no use to me because she didn't hang out with any other chicks. In fact, she always had a bunch of dudes hanging out at the apartment. And at least one of them would always try to hit me up for a PBR. But I'd say fuck that. You're lucky I let you get your ass kicked at Tekken by me.

This chick had to go. The problem was there was no reasoning with Andy about it.It was gonna be up to me...me and my old pal Pepe Lopez. We were going to have to make Andy see the light. And as much as I thought paying $8.99 for a gallon of tequilla was highway robbery, I saw it as an investment. So I picked up a gallon of Pepe and brought it home on the 3rd Friday that she lived there.

Sure enough, I walk into my apartment, Aprils partying with like 19 dudes, and theres no sign of Andy. It turns out she sent him to CVS to buy her some makeup.So I slap the tequilla on the kitchen table and break out the collectable shot-glasses from all the mad travelling i've done. (Atlantic City, Asbury Park, Jersey City, etc.)

Within minutes, April and her gang of freeloading Gerardo's start doing shots and we have a full blown party on our hands in no time. I throw some old school House of Pain into my CD player and keep 'Jump Around' on repeat just to heat things up. By the time Andy came back with April's makeup, things were getting pretty wild. Me and this dude named PJ were rockin' out to Jump Around, as April was now topless and dancing on the table.

"Dude what the fuck." Andy yelled at me.

"Hey don't look at me, they're not my friends" I responded. I then turned around and gave PJ a chestbounce and we started rappin in each others face.

"I came to get down, I came to get down, so get out your seat and jump around."

So Andy walks over to the table that April was on and timidly asks her to get down, which of course only set her off, and she told him to fuck off.So then Andy disapeared into his room and came back out with a can of mace (April's mace actually). With tears in his eyes he opened the door and announced to everyone to get out cause he's calling the cops. As the crowd cleared out throughout a frenzy of insults and slurs directed to Andy's manhood, I was quite pleased to see that April was joining them. I knew I only had a short window to seal the deal, so I ran into Andy's bedroom and gathered up her shit and began throwing it off the balcony. As Andy sat in the corner crying with his head in his hands, I threw back a few more shots of Pepe and I threw all of her belongings over the balcony. (everything except her religious picture with the footprints story on it...SCORE!!)

So April was out, Andy was in his room crying and I had my place back the way I liked it. After all the dust settled and the excitement was over I decided to send Andy on a late night Taco Bell run. I walked into his room and sure enough he was logged into his laptop, and immediately he lowered the monitor.

"Please tell me your looking at porn." I pleaded as I walked over and raised the monitor. But of course he was back on E-harmony.com. "Yo, this is whack" I told him. "If your going back on that shit I'm telling you right now, you can't let anyone else move in here. If you start going out with some bee-yach and you want to live with her thats fine, but you need to move into her place."

9 days later Andy moved in with his new girlfriend Lakeisha.

Besides the occassional email, I had lost all contact with Andy for nearly 2 years. Then one day as I walked into Bills Liquors to get a sixer of PBR a small Asian kid ran head first into my thigh. I looked around to find at least 4 other kids of all different ethnic backgrounds running up and down the aisles, knocking over the occassional bottle of wine. As I made my way to the beer cooler to grab some PBR I heard a familiarly nervous voice attempting poorly to discipline the children.

"Andy!!" I yelled out. And there he was behind the counter. " Why are you working here? Did you get fired from U-teck?"

"No I still got that job but they wouldn't let me work more than 50 hours a week so I'm doing 20 hours a week here on the side. You know how it is when you got mouths to feed."

"Yo,you got kids now?"

"technically no. But my 3 ex-wives have kids, excuse me - hey Rodrigo put down that Rum. So yeah, I agreed to pay child support and take them on weekends in the pre-nups."

"So let me get this straight. You had them sign pre-nups but you still got screwed?"

"No they made me sign pre-nups. But when I get married next spring I told Amber no way am I signing a pre-nup. $4.68 for the Pabst Chief."

I paid Andy for the PBR and left. And as I walked out the door, I felt truly grateful to be me. In fact I wouldn't trade places with anybody. I took a deep breath of fresh air in, and looked forward to a night with my true love...me,myself, and I.

As I walked to the car I began singing to myself "This could be- an everlasting love."

Don’t call me Guy. My name is Buddy

2007-08-06T11:59:00.000-07:00

By Buddy Guy

Listen children. I’ve been playin’ guitar for 60 years. I don’t need you new, sassy music critics cramping my style and aksing stupid questions. My music speaks for itself. Some consider me one of the best of all time. So, for you to sit there and call me “Guy” is downright disrespectful. You didn’t going around calling the late,great Mr. James Brown, Brownie now did you? So, “What’s up, guy?” don’t cut it, you see. “What’s up, Buddy?”, now that’s ok. Mr. Guy is cool. Just plain Guy? No, now that ain’t cool. Where I’se come from, you treat people with respect, especially your elders. Which you can see I am. Now, the ladies won’t tell you that, right sugar mama? (laughter.) He-he. Anyway, one of the reasons for this press conference is to tell all you from Rolling Stone and Relics and all that shit is that nobody, and I mean nobody is to address me by my last name ‘Guy’ anymore. Can you dig that? Now I’ll take some questions.

“Yes, Guy. Ben Fung Torres Rolling Stone. Are you plan-“

“Muthafucka. Did you hear what I just goddamn told you Mr. Shitty-Shitty Chang Chang? My name ain’t Guy.” “Get the fuck outta my hotel”.“Next Question.”

“Can you tell all the guys and girls how long when your next..”

"You patronizing me sucka? I'm going wrap this polkadot guitar around your candy ass.Get outta here. Jerome, show Mr. Wiseass Reee-port-ahhh the door-a-huhh."(plays a riff)

“Guy Buddy, do you plan on playing the Bonnaroo..”

“What! Did you just assbackward my name and shit? You looking in a mirror? Cause if you are, I could borrow it, if you know what I mean. (laughter). But no shit, to sit there Mr. Dislexia (blues chord), Buddy Guy is going to wrecks yaaaa’(cymbal crash) up and down this here floor. Now, get your ass outta here-here-heeerree and wind up.(drum beat) Wind up. (drum beat) I said Wind up (drum beat) out the door. (blues jam)

“Mr. Buddy Guy?”

“Yes, sir”

“Now is Guy your given name or is it your-“

“You think you bad?”

“Well..”

“I aks you a goddamn question you fidgety music pisser who don’t know jack shit about the blues. You come here to this fine establishment. Good shrimp by the way there Tony.”

“Thanks Guy”

(Dirty Look). Anyway. You tryin’ to play with me like you bad? Well,let me show you what bad is. (wah-wah) Bad is meee. (wah-wah) And meee is bad. (wah-wah) But you don’t call me bad. Uh-uh. (wah-wah) And you don’t call me guy. No sir. (wah-wah) So, it’s time for you (wah-wah) to say, say, say goooood-bye…Hm-hmm-hmmm..”

“Mr. Buddy Guy, are you planning on coming out with a new album?”

“Yes, ma’am. I sure do. It’s going to be mostly instrumental. Riffs and riffs galore, ladies and gentleman.”

“What will be the title?”

“The Buddy System. Which I think we about covered today, don’t you think? Now everyone get your two bit asses outta here. I’m too old for this shit.”

“The Buddy System, Can you believe that guy?”

Tribute to Turbo

2007-07-31T12:14:00.001-07:00

You know that black guy named Turbo? Well you do now Sucka!!!

You know that black guy named Turbo?

2007-07-31T01:12:00.000-07:00

"Hey you know that black guy named Turbo?"

"Turbo? Yeah he's a hot shit huh?"

"Yeah I guess.But whats the deal with that guy?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know, like with the way he always does the robot. And then he starts breakdancing."

"Oh yeah. Isn't that awesome? Turbo can fuckin' breakdance his ass off. And when he does the robot it's like the real thing. Hey Tommy remember that time Turbo was breakdancin' in front of the strobe light and everybody thought he was really a breakdancin' robot?"

"That was fuckin' awesome.Turbo can move huh? He's a hot shit man."

"Well that's the other thing. I mean, why does he bring a bag of lighting equipment with him everywhere he goes?"

"Adds to the effect. When he's breakdancin' that is."

"Breakin'...That's what Turbo calls it. That's why he works all that overtime. He's saving up for a set of lasers. One green, one gold.It's gonna be awesome."

"It's gonna be pisser."

"But why does he dress like that?"

"Like what?"

"You know what I mean. Why's he always wearing silver? I mean everyday all his clothes are silver. From his jacket with the puffy shoulders to his silver leather pants. And those silver moon boots. Everyday he dresses like that."

"Does he really? I never really noticed. What a hot shit."

"And then theres his haircut. He's got a tilted flat top like Bobby Brown had in 1989. The guys like 58, he pretends to be a breakdancing robot, and he works in the kitchen of a nursing home. I just don't get it."

"What's not to get. He's Turbo. He's a hot shit."

"I don't know. I think he's kind of a weirdo."

"Woa buddy. You got a problem with Turbo?!?"

"That's fucked up man. Turbo's a hot shit!"

"No I don't got a problem with him. It's just that we're all here workin' in this nursing home kitchen, and this older dude named Turbo busts in and starts breakdancing..."

"Breakin'....Turbo calls it breakin'."

"Whatever. I just think the guys a little weird that's all."

Just then the double doors to the kitchen burst open and a strobe light comes sliding across the floor,snapping into place as it's powercord reached it's end. A strobe light was then followed by an old boombox playing Run DMC's rendition of 'Walk This Way'. Turbo makes his grand entrance, wearing all silver as usual, doing a moonwalk that would put Michael Jackson circa 1983 to shame. As the classic Joe Perry riff fills the room with excitement, Turbo trumps it all by going into his robot. Sliding down to the ground, he gracefully rolls a windmill into a backspin which seems to last a full minute. He then jumps back to his feet and goes back into the robot waving at the three men in front of him. 2 watch with amazement. 1 watches with confusion. Turbo then leaps in the air and wipes the look of confusion off his co-workers face with a fierce roundhouse kick to the jaw. The mighty Turbo then stands over his co-worker, who is now laid out on the floor, and contiues to wave like a robot. Then, without even turning around, Turbo simply moonwalks back out of the room.

"You had that coming to you."

"No shit. Turbo's got ears like a hawk man. He don't take no shit either."

"He used to teach Karate to the Black Panthers."

"Turbo's a hot shit man."

the 3 things you need to know to get into heaven

2007-07-22T06:01:00.000-07:00

In a celestial environment where the color of pure white surrounds you, embraces you, empowers you, and enlightens you, we see St. Peter, the keeper of the glorious golden gate to heaven. He sits modestly at his well finished oak desk which holds only an enormous book with gold leaf pages upon it's edges. He writes using a simple quill feather which he dips into a bottle of black ink.

Before him stands a line of the freshly departed who now stand to await their eternal fate. Some feel the loss of the live they have just been relieved of. Others feel grateful at the thought of meeting their heavenly father. But all feel the burdon of the judgement they face from St. Peter.

Sometimes the line can be thousands long, but on this particular date, it is short, and it is moving quickly. George Russo and his wife Brenda stand last in the line, and are quite pleased to hear word coming from the front that there are only 3 questions to answer to get by St. Peter.

"Oh George, can you believe it? We're really going to heaven." decalared Brenda

"I know it Brenda, isn't it just wonderful?." exclaims George

"Look George theres a woman coming to join us in the line."

"Wait til we tell her she only has to answer 3 questions and she'll soon be in Heaven.She'll be delighted."

Cheryl Kudlacik comes walking up behind George and Brenda. She is wearing dark, oversized sunglasses, and is carrying an extra large Dunkin Donuts iced coffee. Cheryl is greeted warmly by George and Brenda.

"Well hello new friend. Welcome to the line to heaven. I'm Brenda and this is my husband George"

"Oh you gotta be fuckin' kidding me."

"Excuse me?"

"Did my son-in law put you up to this? He did, didn't he?! That MOTHA-FUCKA. He's a fuckin sick bastard man, seriously he's fuckin nuts!! I don't know how he comes up with this shit but this one was fuckin good!!"she states while speaking through a chuckle.

"No I'm afraid my wife is telling you the truth. We've all passed on. And now we're waiting to meet with St. Peter who will decide our fate. But don't worry,we're told he is only asking 3 questions of all of us, and then we can pass."

The line continues moving, and the anticipation grows among those who wait for their meeting with destiny. A beuatiful angel with flowing blonde hair dressed in a pure white gown begins making her way through the line, greeting and comforting everyone.

"Hello Cheryl. Welcome to the gates of heaven. It won't be much longer, and you should be inside in no time at all. But in the meantime is there anything I can get you to make your wait more comfortable."

"Yeah how 'bout a lawn chair."

"Umm, I don't know if we have any lawn chairs out here. Let me check on that."

"Well can I at least SMOKE?!?!"

"Of course you can smoke silly. This is Heaven, not America. Newport box right?"

The angel makes a pack of Newport box appear into thin air, and a fresh cigarette appears between Cheryl's lips and lights itself up.

"Oh you are good!! I mean you are really fucking good!! Wait I tell my sister Debbie about this. Well I can't really. I'll have to send her a sign. Maybe I'll light make her Virginia Slims light on their own while she's watching CSI on the fuckin couch. Ha Ha, oh man. Hey can you hit my brother with a lightning bolt? Actually don't do that, I finally got the fuck away from the mothafucker. Make sure he's not at my funeral!!"

"I'm sorry Cheryl, we angels can't control what people do while they're still on Earth."

"George Russo" Calls out St. Peter in a stern voice. Cheryl now realizes she is nearing the front of the line, as Brenda looks back and gives her a smile.

"Yes St. Peter, I am ready."says George as he approaches the desk.

"Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. Look heres the drill. 3 questions. Answer 'em right your in. Answer 'em wrong I gotta give ya the 86." St. Peter looks up at George and motions his thumb over his shoulder to stress that he has to 86 the poor souls who answer incorrectly.

"Question 1. What did you do to help your fellow mankind?"

"Well I served in the Piece Corps for 8 years, and I helped a village in Southeast Asia create a sustainable source of drinking water. It was quite effective actually."

"Question 2. How were you able to treat others the way you wanted to be treated?"

"Well for starters I always gave everyone I met to a gracious smile and a how do you do."

"Alrighty. Question 3. Who sang Green Eyed Lady?"

"Umm. I'm sorry?"

"Green Eyed Lady. Who sang it"

"I don't want to come across the wrong way, but what does that have to do with anything?"

St. Peter looks into the large book and puts on his reading glasses.

"Mr. Russo, I'm showing that you have heard the song Green Eyed Lady over 19,000 times in your lifetime. Now God did give you a brain which was capable of paying attention to the world around you and appreciating all the glorious creations of your fellow man, one of which being the song Green Eyed Lady. Now I'll ask you one more time....who sang the song?"

"Ahh..Ahhh.."

"I need an answer."

"Supertramp" George blurted out incorrectly, and the ground beneath opened up and swallowed him swiftly and whole.

"Brenda Russo." ordered St. Peter, calm as ever.

"Oh my God! George! What happened to him" she cries out hysterically through her tears.

"Don't worry Mrs. Russo, he got 2 out of 3 which means he only got 900 years in Purgatory. He'll be fine. Now I'm sure you know the drill 3 questions, bada-bing bada-boom and we're done. Question 1. What did you do to help your fellow mankind?"

still hysterical Brenda attempts to pull herself together" Well, well I don't know...I was in the peace corps with George."

"Whatever... the Peace Corps. Like I haven't been hearing that all day. Question 2. How were you able to treat others the way you fealt you wanted to be treated?"

"I was a very curteous person. I had good manners, always, I swear."

"Right-O and who sang Green Eyed Lady?"

"I...I...I don't know"

"Need an answer."

"The...The...The Commodores."

The ground opened up and Mrs Russo was quickly on her way to join Mr. Russo.

"Cheryl Kudlacik"

Cheryl steps up to the desk and puts her cigarette butt out on the floor.

"Alright St. Peter lets go. I want in that fuckin gate,"

"OK Cheryl. Question 1. What did you do to help your fellow mankind"

"Well I worked with the elderly and I feel I always took the extra step for them."

"Good. Good. Question 2. How were you able to treat others the way you wanted to be treated?"

"I feel I was a very generous person."

"That's great. And who sang Green Eyed Lady?"

"Well I know it wasn't the fuckin Commodores."

"Good answer. I like your spunk. I tell you what. I'm gonna send you back. And when you get there I want you to take some enjoyment in the creative work of others because it's an importact part of life. And the next time I see you, you damnwell better know who sang Green Eyed Lady. Or I'll 86 ya."

St. Peter snapped his fingers and Cheryl found herself laid out on the floor of a Dunkin Donuts in Warwick RI surrounded by EMT's. The song Green Eyed Lady was playing softly on the radio. She began responding and the crowd hovering around her applauded.

Over the next few months Cheryl took a deeper appreciation in life than she ever had before. She spent a lot of time listening to music, and she was generally grateful for not only her life but of the lives of her loved ones.

Shortly after that her son in law became gravely ill. He very quickly found himself in a hospital bed sharing his final moments surrounded by his closest friends and family. He was looking around and just as he noticed his mother in law had not arrived, she burst throught the door and ran to his side.

"Bill theres something very important you need to know!!" She said to him. "Listen to me Bill. Sugarloaf sang Green Eyed Lady. Did you hear me? Bill, Sugarloaf sang Green Eyed Lady."

Bills gathering of loved ones looked confused and bewildered. Bill took off his oxygen mask and motioned Cheryl to come closer so he could speak to her, and with his final breath he said to her;

"What the fuck is wrong with you."

Penpal Letters From C. Everett Koop

2007-07-11T22:07:00.000-07:00

In 1986, I was a 4th grader attending John F. Kennedy Elementary School in Blackstone, MA. Our teacher had assigned us the task of writing a letter to any member of the U.S. Government. In this letter we had to explain why we chose to write to them.We also had to ask them a question about themselves, and include a post script.

Most kids in my class chose to write to President Reagan. I wrote my letter to Surgeon General C. Everett Koop.

I only wrote to the Surgeon General once, and in return, I received at least two letters per month for the next 21 years. I have decided to publish our one-sided correspondence in a segment I call:

PENPAL LETTERS FROM C. EVERETT KOOP.

The following was the first and only letter I wrote to the Surgeon General:

October 9, 1986

Dear Mr. Koop,

My name is Jeremy. I am 9 years old. I live in Blackstone. I chose to write to you because you don't want kids to smoke. Danny Rockwell smokes. He's bad. He is in the 7th grade. He ruined my fort. What does the C. in your name stand for?

Do you like the Celtics? When I grow up I want to be on the Celtics. Why do you wear Navy clothes? My uncle Pete is in the Navy. My grandfather was in the Navy.My cousin Scotty might join the Navy. My Dad was not in the Navy.

Your Friend,
Jeremy

P.S. What does the C. in your name stand for?

The following was the first letter I recieved from C. Everett Koop:

October 11, 1986

Dear Jeremy,

I am delighted that you chose to write to me. I can't tell you how glad I am to hear that there's at least one kid smart enough to listen to this old fool from the sea. But seriously Jeremy, promise me you'll never smoke. Promise me!!!

And as far as that scumbag Danny Rockwell goes, you're right! If he smokes he is bad. And he damn well better stay the hell away from my new friend Jeremy. If not I'll pick him right up by his fuckin' throat with one hand and say 'listen punk, when you fuck with a navy man's buddy, you're fuckin' with the whole damn Navy.' And then I'll say 'whats the matter sissy... can't breathe? Hey, you're the smoker. Buy the ticket take the ride bitch'. Then I'll drop his ass. What you don't think I can do it?!?! I might be old, but you can't take the tough out of a Navy man!

Hey don't worry about that fort, man. I'm pretty handy, and I have a lot of tools. I'll fix it up for you. Make it better even.

I gotta admit it feels good to have a penpal again, buddy. It takes me back to my younger days. When I was at sea a lot of times, all I had to keep me going was a good lettter. Otherwise I'd go stir crazy and start fights. I broke this one fellers leg this one time, with this giant monkey wrench. He wasn't doing nothing wrong, I was just walking by him, and I guess he was a plumber onboard, and well, you know how it is when you see a big wrench. That's why it's good to have letters. Keeps the Koop out of trouble.

I used to get these HOT letters from this one gal named Louise Parker. Boy was she flexible. She was from New Orleans. I'd swing by to see her every now and then until she started saying that her daughter was mine. Buncha' horseshit. Kid didn't look nothing like me. And besides, the year that kid was born, I only went to see her once, and I brought this buddy of mine from the tatto parlor with me, and well, nevermind Jeremy. The point is, that kid aint mine. For Christsakes Jeremy, there's a roll of 8mm film floating around out there that can prove it.

Hey man, it was really great hearing from you, and keep those letters coming buddy. Like I say they keep the Koop out of trouble. And, oh yeah, the C. in my name stands for Cool.

Your Pal,
Cool Everett Koop

I don’t want to use that treadmill no more.

2007-06-29T08:34:00.000-07:00

By Angelo

My doctor told me my cholesterol was getting too high. He said that eating 6 hotdogs a day and a half gallon of ice cream was a sure way to get a heart attack. So, he suggested I exercise. I used to exercise in high school and ran away quite a bit in Vietnam, but that was a long time ago. So, I went to the local sporting goods store and the sales guy told me to buy the Treadyboy 8000. I wanted to only spend $500, but he promised me the TreadyBoy was the best thing out there. I asked him if it was safe and he said it had plenty of safety features. So, I wrote a check for $13,478 plus tax and the next day it was in my condo. I had them put it in the spare bedroom, since it’s never used. No one comes down here to visit me anymore anyway.

I read the Quick Summary and put on my Holy Cross shorts, my favorite V-neck T-shirt and my white Nike sneakers. After a cigarette, I started the machine. When I turned it on, it said “Hello, Angelo.” It then said, “What course would you like to do today?”. I started to get nervous, but I went ahead and pushed number 1, which is manual. The Machine then said, “You currently weigh 253 pounds.” The tread began moving and I jumped off it and rammed my knee into the wallboard. I was nervous that it knew so much about me. How did it know? It continued to run for about a minute and then said, “Angelo, would you like to continue?”. I immediately unplugged it and crawled out of the room. Just to be safe, I closed the door and put some old boxes and an ironing board in front of the door. Just in case it tries to get out and come after me. I also shut off the circuit breaker for that part of the house, just in case it had some backup power and was listening. I can’t use the bathroom light now because it’s on the same circuit, but that’s ok. Better than having the treadmill spying on me..

It’s been about 3 weeks since I turned it off. I sent a letter to the sporting goods store saying I didn’t want it and that I’d pay for the whole thing if they would just come and get it. They wrote back that they tried to call me, but since I don’t answer my phone, it’s been hard to coordinate. Maybe they’ll come and just take it away. Until then, I’m not going into that room.

The Pope is Dope

2007-06-20T09:57:00.001-07:00

By G. Brown

Yo. I nevah got into the church thang my mama tried to get me into when I was a pip. We’se go and shit but I nevah paid any attention. Just singin and shit. But, yo, this new Pope is Dope. Walking around like some godly pimp in a white suit. That bitch ass was blessing some fly Ferrari’s last month. You see that shit? Muthafucka’s got style, yo. Blessing pimpin cars, man. Probably got some bitches riding with him around Tuscany, drinking wine, listening to hip-hop... There ain’t no way that dude ain’t getting some. He’s whack! Doing hot Italian ladies in St. Peter’s square. I can hear him now, “Yo bitch, you wanna come back to my country. That’s right girl, Let’s go to the Vatican-‘n-Get-Bad-Again!”

So, I’se starting going to church again. I wanna get into god and shit because it seems the way to be a player. I mean this dude is treated like a king but gets to act like a gangsta. Even his name is fly. Benedictine. Sounds like royalty, don’t it? Been-a-dick-teen thousand times in yo’ mouth bitch!!! That’s what he’s talking about!!And you see whassaup just the otha day? Some dude jumps on the Popemobile. Let’s hold it up for a sec, here. This dude has got the Popemobile. Not some candy ass name like Air Force One or the motorcade or shit like that. No, this dude is like Batman. He ain’t got the Batmobile, but he’s got the PopeMobile. So anyway, this dude dives onto the Pope’s car and he doesn’t even flinch, man. His posse takes the guy down and Benedictine keeps waving at the hotties in the crowd. No bulletproof glass or nothing. This dude’s more bad ass than 50 cent.

I bet he’s gonna get capped a few times. He’s asking for it. And whoever does, ain’t gonna get forgiven like that last pope did to that dude. No, Benedictine is gonna get up and pummel yo ass, and send you to hell with some Catholic spell shit..And if he doesn’t pummel yo ass, then I will. This boy is my boy. And he’s God’s boy, so I’s got to talk to God because he must be an even bigger bad ass.

But right now, I don’t see a more pimpin’ bad ass mofo than that dude in the big white hat. That’s right killa, the Pope. And the pope is dope.

Judge Judge Reinhold

2007-06-11T06:34:00.000-07:00

The clock strikes 9:00 p.m. on Friday night. David is taking it easy and not hitting the town tonight. He turns on Fox and is in awe at what he sees….

“Judge Wapner was the pioneer. Judge Judy brought the brass. Judge Joe Brown laid down the line. Judge Mathis, just a plain badass. But now, with the prison systems filled and the country divided, it’s time for a new kind of judge. A man of compassion. A man of understanding. With a dose of fun. America’s judge. Judge Judge Reinhold.

Judge Judge Reinhold starts NOW….”

(The opening notes to AC/DC’s “For Those About to Rock” ring through the courtroom…”)

“Please stand. The one, the only, The Honorablllllle Judge Judge Reinhold presiding!!!!.” yells the baliff through a microphone.

The backdoors of the courtroom burst open with a fog-machine induced cloud. Judge Reinhold emerges in a gown with a heavy dose of sheen to it. Grinning ear to ear, he runs in place and begins to highstep and shadowbox. His highsteps reveal the fact that he is wearing shorts under his robe, along with striped tube socks and a pair of Chuck Taylor converse All-Stars. As Brian Johnson’s voice emerges during the intro song, Judge Reinhold jogs down the aisle lip-synching into his gavel. The crowd is going ballistic.

He continues down the aisle and high-fives a bunch of people and gets patted on the back. Halfway down, He stops and rubs up the head of a little boy and autographs his gavel, where the handle is in the shape of a ‘J’. He hands it to the boy and kisses the boy’s mom on the cheek.

As soon as he gets close to the Judge’s bench, the words “FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK” come over the loudspeaker, with the song’s pause, Judge Judge Reinhold stops in his tracks, slowly whips out another J-gavel and raises it in the air in a He-Man like pose and the crowd instantly yells, “FIRE!” in perfect unison with AC/DC’s lead vocalist.

He turns around for the camera and points at his back. His robe reveals two large J’s in gold for “Judge Judge” on the back. The crowd cheers even louder and yells “Double J! Double J!”. He turns around, waves at the camera, and trots up to the bench.

Out of breath, Judge Judge Reinhold announces, “Please everyone, go ahead and sit down and relax. Whew. What do we have here today folks? Ramiro Rodriguez vs. Paul Dickens. What’s up guys? What seems to be the problem Mr. Rodriguez?”

The music stops and everyone sits down calmly.

“You see Judge Judge..”

“Ramiro please, you can call me Judge, ” Judge Judge Reinhold says in his trademark monotone voice.

“Uh, ok. You see Judge, this guy Paul is passing out these anti-immigration flyers in the subdivision and it’s hurting my business.”

“What is your business, Ramiro?”

“I own a small contracting company. We do tile, siding, painting, renovations, you name it.”

“Well, isn’t that wonderful!” Judge Judge Reinhold exclaims. “How long have you been doing this?”

“About 13 years, but I’ve had my own business for 5.”

“Well, how about that everyone!” Judge Judge Reinhold stands up and annunciates extra loudly so the whole courtroom can hear him. He takes his right hand and places it over his heart. “The American dream. A guy learns a trade and accomplishes his goal by opening up his own business. You know how hard it is to start a business in this country and succeeed? Very, very difficult. I applaud you, Mr. Rodriguez.” Judge Judge Reinhold starts clapping and the rest of the courtroom follows.

Ramiro, turns around and looks at everyone half confused, half smiling. He slowly turns back to Judge Judge Reinhold “Well, thank you Judge. Well, it’s becoming more challenging because these flyers have a derogatory connotation and even though I am an American citizen, it’s causing a negative impact on my business. You see, the neighborhood is where I do most of my work and people associate the name of my business, Rodriguez Renovations, with Hispanics. So, the people see this flyer that Mr. Dickens is passing out and it’s just hurting my business. The phone has stopped ringing.”

Judge Judge Reinhold steps down from the bench and walks up to Ramiro. He puts his hand on his shoulder and lowers his head and says, “Are you a hard worker Mr. Rodriguez? Do you try and provide for your family?”

Ramiro starts to get tearful. “Yes, yes I do. I work hard.” He begins to cry. Judge Judge Reinhold gives him a big hug and says, “That’s something to be very proud of. It’ll be alright.” And pats him on the back. “Go ahead and sit down Ramiro.”

“Ok, Judge. Thank you”. Ramiro wipes his tears. His wife walks up to console him.

Judge Judge Reinhold walks back up to the bench. “Well, folks you know what we say here on Judge Judge Reinhold.”

The crowd stands up and says at the same time “There’s TWO sides to every story!!!”

“That’s right!” yells Judge Judge Reinhold as he passionately pumps his fist holding another version of his custom J-gavel in the air.

“But before we get to Mr. Dickens, how about some dinner. On me!”

The crowd cheers and the camera shows Mr. Dickens and Mr. Rodriguez bewildered as caterers burst into the courtroom with prime rib, refreshments, and a spread of other foods.

Judge Judge Reinhold steps down to coordinate the buffet line. “Now, there’s paper plates and utensils in the back. Go ahead and help yourselves. Don’t be shy. If you want a cocktail, there’s a bartender in the lobby, just no drinks in the courtoom.. Alright folks, let’s take a commercial break. When we come back, we’ll hear from Paul!”

The show returns with Judge Judge Reinhold wiping a little sauce from his face, ball up a towellete, and stand up to take a 3-point shot into the wastebasket. He nails it and the crowd cheers. Judge Judge Reinhold raises his hand, smiles, and sits back down.

“Ok. Mr. Dickens. What’s your story? Why are you trying to hurt Mr. Rodriguez’s business or was that not your intention? You were just trying to stand up for what you believe in?”

“That’s right Judge Judge..I believe firmly that immigration is hurting this country and I wanted to spread the word so others will know what a problem it is in this country.”

“Well, I can’t argue with a man who has the right to free speech, now can I?” Judge Judge Reinhold turns around and looks at the camera. “It’s a basic right that our forefathers envisioned long, long ago. We have the right to express ourselves. That’s our freedom. That’s our right.”

“Well, the way I see it,” continues Judge Judge Reinhold, “is that you can continue to express your opinions.” Judge Judge Reinhold places his head on one hand, purses his lips, taps his feet, glances over at Paul, and says, “But perhaps, you can maybe try to do it outside of Mr. Rodriguez’s business territory?”

Paul looks at Judge Judge Reinhold and feels the guilt begin to build up inside him and blurts out, “I suppose so. I didn’t mean to hurt anybody. I just wanted to tell the world my beliefs.” Tears start to stream down Paul’s face. He looks over at Ramiro and says, “I’m sorry.” Ramiro walks over and hugs Paul.

The crowd begins clapping. Judge Judge Reinhold walks down and group hugs the two of them, then turns quickly back at the camera. “There you have it folks. Two sides, one solution, and no hard feelings. When we come back we’ll close this chapter of just another simple misunderstanding.”

After the commercial break, the show returns with everyone lined up in the front of the courtroom with Judge Judge Reinhold, Ramiro Rodriguez, and Paul Dickens in the forefront laughing. Everyone is singing “Piano Man” and kicking their feet in the air. Judge Judge Reinhold steps forward. “Well, I hope you learned something today folks. That a simple dispute is just that, a simple dispute. Well, good night and we’ll catch you next time on…”.

The crowd chants, “JUDGE JUDGE REINHOLD!”

The credits start to roll and you can see Judge Judge Reinhold shaking hands with guests in the background and making jokes..

Dick Sawmut:Corporate Recruiter

2007-05-30T11:37:00.000-07:00

"Hey, we need to fill this Director of Marketing ASAP." VP Reed said to VP Gregory "We need someone who can stay under the gun and market our pharmaceuticals with the utmost efficiency and under touch deadlines. Got any ideas?"

"Well, not offhand. Tami Connelly is one candidate, but you think she can handle the pressure? It'd be difficult for us to put her to the test since she's an internal candidate," Gregory responded.

"You ever hear of Dick Sawmut?" Reed contemplates.

"No. Who is he?" Gregory inquired.

"Well, a friend of mine told me about him. He's kind of an eccentric. But he interviews people intensely. Breaks them down, if you will."

"Interesting. You thinking of having him interview Tami."

"Yeah. The only thing is that he charges $12,000 an interview."

"What? That's insane!. No way."

"Look, the CEO wants someone now. We have it in our budget. And if Tami fits the bill, then we'll save a little on hiring internally and the costs of advertising the position via newspapers and online websites and so forth."

"Well, I am curious to see this guy in action. Let's do it."

"Dick, Mark Reed here at APG Pharmaceuticals. We have a candidate for a Director of Marketing that needs an intense pressure interview."

"$12,000 cash. Meet me at 22nd and Park with a sheet containing her height, weight, social security number, work number, email address, emergency contacts, position description, and potential salary at 4:00 p.m. tomorrow."

"Ummm.Ok. I'll be there."

At 4:01 p.m, Reed shows up at 22nd and Park and sees a man in a trenchcoat, sunglasses and wearing black leather gloves.

"You're late. You got the money?"

"Yes. Look, how do I know you're going to go through with this?"

"If I don't, then I'll tie cinderblocks around my ankles and jump into the Atlantic off the boat named "The Sheeba"."

"Oh. Ok. When will you be able to make a decision?"

Sawmut grabs VP Reed by the throat and starts choking him. "By the end of the week. Does that work for you smart guy?"

"Yes, eckk, yes, that's fine."

"I'll be in touch." Sawmut releases his grip, gets in his car and speeds away.

"Jesus. What a freak."

"Hi Tami, this is Dick Sawmut. I hear you are interested in the Director of Marketing position at APG. I'd like to talk with you more about this opportunity. Are you willing to meet for lunch at Wing Zings tomorrow at noon?"

"Well, yes Mr. Sawmut, that would be wonderful. See you then."

Tami walks in looking very professional in a $1,000 business suit. Dick waves her over gently to a table near the big screen TV.

"Tami, Dick Sawmut, please to meet you."

"Please to meet you, sir."

"If you don't mind, I'm a little hungry. So let's order first."

"Hi folks, whaddaya having today?" the waitress politely asks.

"I'll have the salad and Ms. Tami Rita Connelly will have 12 wings."

"What kind of sauce?"

"What's the hottest you got?" Sawmut quickly resplies.

"Blazing, but I don't really recommend th" the waitress chuckles.

"Shut it. Blazing it is." Sawmut insists.

Tami and the waitress exchange puzzling glances and the waitress walks away.

"So, Tami, tell me about your qualifications for this position."

"Well, I've worked for APG for 6 years which is a long time in the pharmaceutical world. I have maintained and gained some of the biggest accounts in the mid-atlantic and am ready to take the next step in this company."

"Interesting."

"Here you go, one salad and 12 Blazing wings, and some napkins and water, " the waitress delivers.

"Oh, we won't be needing any napkins OR water.” Sawmut says glaring at the waitress.

"Um, ok. Whatever you say. Just let me know if you need anything else."

"Now, Tami tell me how those wings are."

Tami bites into one. Immediately, her face turns bright red and she starts coughing.

"So, Tami tell me how you can improve this company's marketing strategy."

"Eckk.Caaa—"

"Oh ,did you need to go to the ladies room? Go right ahead." Sawmut says pitifully sarcastic.

Tami knocks a chair over and bolts to the ladies room. The whole restaurant is looking in their direction.

Sawmut sets his stopwatch to 23 seconds. Once he hears it beep, he methodically gets up from the table. He walks over to the ladies room and kicks the door open.

"Get outta here!!!" he yells to a woman putting on mascara.

Sawmut walks over to the third stall and hears Tami gagging. He pulls out a container of lighter fluid and sprays it all over the floor.

"Tami. I know you're in there. Well, in the corporate world, when it's hot, it's hot. How are you gonna handle the pressure when your CEO is breathing down your neck.? Huh?"

"Pressure time Tami!" What's it gonna be? Do or DIE?"

He lights a match and sets the bathroom stall door on fire and calmly walks out of the bathroom, removes the fire extinguisher from outside the door, and exits the restaurant.

Tami is choking and can't breathe between the wing sauce and the smoke. She manages to climb over the stall door into the stall next to her. She crawls under the adjacent stall door but can't get out the way she came in. It's completely ablaze.

She takes off her heels and climbs through a small window near the ceiling by jumping off the sink. The restaurant is on the second floor, so she jumps in a dumpster below.

"Oh my god!" she screams. She lifts her head out of the dumpster and Sawmut's standing there with a shit-eating grin.

"Hurry! Get in the car!" he yells as he grabs her and throws her in the passenger seat of his old Crown Victoria.

"Now Tami, you did good. That was a tough situation to get out of."

Tami is finally catching her breath. Sawmut pulls onto the off-ramp of the freeway.

"Mr. Sawmut, you're going the wrong way!!!"

He speeds it up to 75 mph the wrong way on the freeway heading into oncoming traffic.

"Now, when Wall Street is against you and the boss ain't around, the question is, 'What are YOU going to do?"

Sawmut puts the car in cruise control. The car heads over an overpass and Sawmut opens the door and jumps out of the car.

"Good Luck Tami!" he yells as he disappears.

"Holy Shit!" Tami jumps over to the drivers's seat, slows down, and pulls a U-turn the split second before she is T-boned by an SUV. She pulls off the side of the road and places the car in park to calm herself down.

"TAMI! TAMI!"

"What the fuck?" She looks in the backseat and there's a walkie-talkie.

With her hands trembling, she picks up the walkie-talkie. "Yeesss?"

"The car will explode in 10 seconds. What are YOU going to do?"

She throws the walkie talkie down, opens the door. She dodges oncoming traffic and heads toward the jersey barrier in the middle of the freeway. She dives over it scraping her arm and wedges herself between the high speed lane and the barrier on the other side.

Instantly, the car explodes and pieces of metal are flying all over the highway. A car crashes 4 feet from Tami and a chunk of flying glass implants itself in the back of her calf. She limps across the other side to safety, through the woods, and finally to a pay phone.

"Should I call the cops? I really need that job." She says to herself. She decides to take a cab home and goes into work the next day.

"Hey Tami, what the hell happened to you?" Reed asks. "Anyway, congratulations. Sawmut called and said the interview went well. You got the position.Welcome to executive management"

Reed looks at Gregory, "I guess Sawmut gets it done after all."

He sure does. He sure does.

Allright Fuzz: That cool cat Richard Branson almost said my '81 VW Rabbit is the best ride in the Universe

2007-05-18T06:20:00.000-07:00

All right coppers you got me in here. That's right. But I won't tell you much cause I know how the fuzz operates. Well, it all started when I was coming back from Virginia Beach after surfing and hangin' for a week with my boys. I was driving on 64 in my money ride, my 1981 Volkswagon Rabbit. This puppy runs on biodiesel, man. I paid some dude to rig it from running on the old stink diesel it used to run on. So, I'm heading toward Jamestown and remember they're having the big 400th anniversary of the USA spectacle. It's a big deal, man. You should check it out. Well, then I got this vision. It was like divine invention, man. Mother Earth told me to kidnap someone famous at this big event and market my eco-friendly car to the world. She didn't like actually open up the sky and come down with big mountain tits and say in a deep dike voice, "GO KIDNAP SOMEONE AND TELL THE WORLD ABOUT YOUR RABBIT!" No, that would be just downright creepy and weird man. It was more of a combo of the windy trees, some mp3s of moe., and some spacy thoughts I was having from being sleep deprived all mixed into some kind of signal from outta space or inner Earth or both maybe.

So, I get to Jamestown and get a press pass from a friend of mine that's in this jamband (SkyRocket Rules!) whose sister works for a local newspaper and I get to this VIP party with all these hot shot beauracrats, stars, and philanthropists. So, anyway, I got in. I was surprised they let me in, because I had my Birkenstocks and Phish shirt on. They must have thought I was from some Freedom Ringin' magazine. I felt like Hunter S. Fucking Thompson, without the edge, ya know? So, I scope out the crowd and I see Richard Branson. I say, that's the English guy who owns Virgin Galactic, spaceships and shit. I know this because I googled the band Galactic before a show and the results returned Virgin Galactic. I went to his website and checked it out. Far out stuff. I said to myself, if anyone knows a good ride and can spread the word to the world, it's that dude. So, I introduce myself and get to talking to him about the Beatles and I slip a Roofie in his Champagne. When he starts to get drowsy, I told him where there was a place he could get some good fish and chips. He stumbled with me and I got him back to my Rabbit. I threw him in the back of my car and tied him up with a bunch of hemp necklaces I had from the Great Went festival years ago. Hemp's really strong you know. Bet you can't break it. Go ahead try…Well, it's probably worn out from Richard's wrists.

So, anyway he wakes up about 45 minutes later and he's like, "What's going on chap?" I said, "Listen, Rick, You're the voice of travel and own big ass companies. You gotta ride around with me and tell the world that my '81 Rabbit is the bomb, And that this car is the end all of global warming, man."

So, Ricky boy goes, "Well, I'm a proponent of preserving the environment and I am always willing to help a fellow. But to do anything I will need you to first untie me from these bloody knots."

That's when I got ballsy. I says, "Dude, You gotta promise not to try to run or nothing if I untie you."

He says, "Well, I'm an honest man and I can't promise you that."

So, I was like, "Thank you for being honest with me."

And he's like, "You're welcome."

And I says, "Would you like some Cheetos?"

And he goes, "No.",

And I'm like,"Why",

And he says, "Because.",

And I says, "Because why?",

And he's like,"Because I don't eat that American crap."

And I said, "Why not?"

And he says, "Because I don't like the taste. "

And I says, "Taste of what?"

And he's like, "Cheetos!"

And I was like, "But I'm the one holding them. Did you want some?"

He mumbled something , gave me a dirty look, and ignored me for what seemed like forever. It was really awkward man.

So, anyway, to make a long story short, we drive from Jamestown to Richmond. I know a fellow Phishhead that lives in Richmond , so I go to the cat's house at 11999 Plum St. and get some sweet bud. Me and this cat smoke up a bit and then I remember that Richard's in my car. I'm like, "Oh man!Richard's in my car." So, I goes into my car, and you know who's in it? Richard. So,I apologize for leaving him in there and I've got the munchies real bad at this point and scoot over to Ukrop’s. I ask him if he wants anything and he's says a cantaloupe. I was like that's cool, I can swing a ‘lope for my boy Richard.

So Ukrop’s has all that ready made shit, like marinated mushroom, greek salad, sushi, fresh fruit, organic cereal, sesame sticks, gardenburgers, all this vegan stuff, I mean it's a huge selection. Too huge. They got cantaloupes, melons, and honeydews, man. I couldn't tell the difference between them. I ended up asking some old lady about which ones were melons, and it just came out wrong and she hit me with her purse. Freakin' psycho! So anyway, I'm in there for like an hour and get like $100 worth the groceries. And when I'm in line, I'm like, "Oh man, Richard's still in my car!" I'm already cashing out at this point, so I gotta give the cashier the loot and everything. Well, the great thing about Ukrop’s is that they walk the groceries to your car because there were like 5 bags of stuff..

So, this bagger and I are walking to my car and talking about hot hippie chicks and shit and I get sidetracked and open the hatch to my Rabbit. And you know who's in there? Richard freaking Branson. He jumps outta the back and starts running and zigzagging around the parking lot with his hands tied. I said, "Hey Richard, come back here!! I got your cantaloupe." And he yells something like "it’s a grapefruit you stupid hippie!! " and jumps feet first into an empty shopping cart and cruises down Cary St. at like 20 mph. Unbelievable..Only Richard Branson can pull off escaping a kidnapping and look like he's having fun. You know I'm a fan of his now. I wish I spent more time with him. So, I guess he Houdinied out of those Hemp cuffs at some point and called you guys.

So, there you have it man. That sums up my brilliant, sinister plan and everyone will now know the smooth ride of my eco-friendly Rabbit. You can thank me later for reversing the vibe of global warming and saving Mother Earth. Hey, Ain't I supposed to get a lawyer or something man? I'm taking criminology at UVA, and I think I should have one by now.

Johnnie Loves Chachie

2007-05-07T11:12:00.000-07:00

ABC Headquarters...Los Angeles, California...January, 2007...

ABC Development Executive, Peter Lyons, is quickly walking down the hall to his office, carrying a latte in his left hand, a blackberry in his right hand, and speaking into his hands free, as interns hustle to get out of his way.

"Look if David Spade wants the gig, he does it our way. Period."(long pause)" I don't know. Go hunt down John Ritters kid, he can't be worse than his old man was. I gotta go, you take care of Spade." Lyons cuts off the phone as he reaches his secretary,and places his latte on her desk. "Kelly cancel all my appointments this afternoon and book me a reservation at.."

"Mr Lyons, I'm sorry... it's Gary Marshall, he just walked in and he wouldn't take no.."

"Marshall... aww shit Kelly." He gives her a dirty look and turns his back to her as he walks into his office.She attempts to hand him his latte.
"I'm sorry Mr. Lyons he wouldn't take no..."

"Gary you old dog you. You look great!"says Lyons as he closes the door in her face.

"Little Peter Lyons. I still can't believe you're all grown up and running the big leagues now. How's you're uncle Teddy doing these days?"

Gary gets up and walks over to Peter with his arms extended.

"Hey you know Teddy.." Peter greets him with open arms and hugs him as though he were hugging a long lost relative that he would rather have just lost. He looks over Gary's shoulder and see's Scott Baio sitting in the chair in front of his desk. "You brought Baio."

"That's not all I brought, Peteyboy." Gary slaps a script down on Peters desk as he wears a smile from ear to ear. Both men take a seat. Baio remains seated, as he never stood up in the first place.

"A script? Listen, Gary, it's a little late in the season to develop a pilot for sweeps.."

"Who's talking sweeps? I already wrote the whole series. You can have the first thirteen episodes in time for your fall lineup."

"Kelly bring me my latte please." Peter says into the intercom, trying to buy himself some time. She rushes right in and places it on a coaster. "Thanks Kelly. Gentlemen, can I offer you a coffee?"

"None for me sweetheart, I'm cutting back." Gary says to Kelly while boldly smiling.

"I'll take a Heineken." Scott Baio says. Peter and Kelly look at each other puzzled.

"Kelly... get Mr. Baio a Heineken."

"Yes Mr. Lyons," she says and leaves the room.

"Peter do you remember when you was little, and your uncle Teddy and I took you to see Star Wars?"

"Actually no, you never took me to see Star Wars. Listen, your here, you got a script.Dazzle me. Lets hear it."

"It's a good thing you're sitting down Peter 'cause this one's gonna knock you right out of your socks."

"And I'm guessing it involves our friend Baio here. Let me guess Chachie's in Charge?" Says Peter, smuggly, as he takes a deep swig of his latte. Savoring the moment, as he's always wanted to use that joke.

"Not on your life. It's called Johnnie loves Chachie."

Peter sprays his desk with the latte he was attempting to swallow, and begins talking through a coughing fit.

"Did you say (coughs three times) herrumph, did you say Johnnie loves Chachie?"

"It all comes full circle Peter. In the 70's and 80's we were introduced to Chachie. We saw him grow up before our eyes, but Chachie was in the 50's. Now, well just look at Scotty, he's in his forties. Which puts Chachie in the 70's. Right where we were when it all started and asking ourselves, I wonder what Chachie's doing nowadays."

"So you want me to fill a spot on ABC's fall lineup for the 07-08 season, with a Happy Days spinoff?... No way!"

"Peter, hear me out here for Chrissakes. We got a chance to open a new chapter on one of the all-time great American stories. I've been waiting 30 years to tell this story."

"So you're saying that Happy Days was a just a build up to Johnnie Loves Chachie?"

"I couldn't have put it better myself." Gary stands and begins pacing around the office as he talks, growing more excited as he pitches his story. "Now we all know that the Happy Days saga ends with Chachie marrying Joanie during Joanie Loves Chachie. And they all lived happily ever after right?...Wrong!! So what happened? The 60's happened. Vietnam happened. And Chachie being the patriotic American he was, enlisted in the Army. When he comes back from the war, the country has changed,Joanie's changed, Chachie can't handle it, so he drinks. Joanie can't handle Chachie, so she splits. So now where are we?..." He turns to Peters desk and shoots his arms straight forward as if to say tada through his body language "The Seventies!!"

"You gotta be kidding me, right? Did my Uncle Teddy put you up to this?"

The smile which devoured Gary's face quickly turns to a stone cold stare.

"Peter, I love you like a nephew, but if you don't quit fucking around and start listening to me, I'm gonna sock you right in the nose!!"

"Is that so?!?! You're standing in my office, pitching me a Happy Days spin-off, thirty years after the start of Happy Days, that starts off with Chachie as a divorced, alcoholic, vietnam vet, and if I'm reading into the title of this thing correctly, he also turns gay!!!... and I'm the one who's fucking around? This is ridiculous. Nobody wants to see another Happy Days show, ABC barely touches sitcoms these days anyway."

"This is no sitcom Peter, it's an edgey drama.Like Greys Anatomy. Now let's just settle down and take a look at the script, I know you'll love it. Scotty I'm gonna need you to help me with some of these lines."

Gary sits down and puts on his reading glasses.

"Backdrop: New York City, 1977. A crowd gathers outside Studio 54. Enter stage left Chachie, wearing his battered Army jacket and faded jeans. His overgrown moustache sways in the wind as he cuts the line and approaches the doorman. I'll read this part Scotty, you just read for Chachie.

Doorman: 'Hey there Sugarnuts, what you got for me?'..."

Chachie"How's the best PCP on the island sound to you?"

Doorman: "Sounds like you got a ticket to the love train honey. Woo-Woo'. The doorman pulls his right arm down like a train conductor blowing a whistle, while his left hand makes the PCP handoff. Chachie enters the nightclub. Wideshot of disco dancers, disco dancin' to the song Love Train. Wideshot of the DJ booth shows Johnny picking up a record while spinning on rollerskates and wearing short shorts and a wifebeater."

Chachie:"Hey you got any Donna Sommers in there?"

Johnny: "Of course I do Babycakes."

Chachie: "Whats your name?"

Johnny: "My names Johnny...Johnny Fernandes."

Chachie: "My names Chachie. Hey you want to meet me at the glory hole sometime?"

"THAT'S IT!!!" Lyons screams"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY OFFICE, BOTH OF YOU!!!"

"Peter what's wrong with you?" Gary asks

"What's wrong with me!?! Johnny Loves Chachie? PCP? Glory holes.? My answer is NO,NO,NO!! Now get out both of you."

"Hey how's Mrs. Lyons these days Pete? I don't see much of her around these days." Baio chimes in."I mean, I see a lot of you around all the hotspots, but not Mrs. Lyons. Hey who's that young girl you always got with you when I see you, Trudy is it? Trudy? No, it's not Trudy, that's right it's Tracy. She's quite a looker Gary, here check out this shot of them on my cell phone."

Peter looks emotionally drained as he stares across his desk to see the second stone cold stare of the day, this time coming from Scott Baio. Gary is wide eyed shaking his head, yes, and smiling larger than ever, as he pats Baio on his knee.

"Good boy Scotty. You were always one of the good ones."

.................Fade in From Black.............................
Fade in reveals a shot of a young Chachie standing next to the Fonze on Happy Days
Announcer: You watched him grow up on Happy Days
Second shot shows clip of Joanie Loves Chachie
Announcer: You watched him fall in love on Joanie Loves Chachie..Now this Fall it all comes full circle...

Queue the music: 90's pop ballad "Crazy" from Aerosmith.
Quick shots of Chachie snorting an unknown substance, disco dancing in his army jacket, and hugging Jon Stamos
Announcer: executive producer Gary Marshall, the creator of Happy Days, brings us the final chapter in the Happy Days Saga.

Cut to scene of Chachie being spooned by Johnnie.
Chachie: "I wish I could quit you"
Johnnie: " I can't quit you either Chach."
Chachie: "I was talking to the PCP"

Announcer: Scott Baio as Chachie. and Jon Stamos as Johnny.

cuts to black screen.

Announcer: Johnnie Loves Chachie. Only on ABC

Shot of the ABC logo.

Fade to black.

I'm Proud of My Name Damnit!! by Pablo Bukake

2007-04-25T06:03:00.000-07:00

Cruel memories. I gotta head full of 'em. My name is Pablo Bukake; I'm the guy who was singled out by my peers, starting from the first roll call in junior high.

"Oh man, Fuckin kids name's Bukake. It's too Classic"....That was the teacher.

Throughout the years, the bullying, the taunting, the "jokes" (if you would care to calll them that), they clung to me relentlessly. And sure, sometimes I would blow my top, but for the most part I kept my cool. I was too good to let it get to me. And when it was all bottling up inside me, my father would always humble me out.

"Quit acting like a jerk-off and start acting like a Bukake." He would always say.

He was a stern man, and he had a point. Life's tough. A lot of people in this world got problems. So what if my name would be a magnet for jokes. Jokes I could handle. But a broken heart?

"Look Pablo, you're a great guy, and we've had a good run, but you have to understand...I can't be Mrs Bukake. I'm sorry Pablo, I just can't. I have to go."
"WAIT LINDA WAIT!"...but it was too late.

The love of my life was gone because I'm a Bukake. There was nothing I could do about it...I'll always be a Bukake.

So, after a lot of soul searching it was time for me to take action. I needed to empower myself. No longer would I lower my head to my own name. From now on, when someone yelled out Buakake, I would hold my face high and smile. I decided to research my ancestry and get to the roots of my lineage, and after paying $7,000.00 to the offices of David Greene, former detective, and now a renound genioligist, I knew I would get the answers I was seeking.

Greene was a real bulldog, and was famous for tracing African Americans back to the familie's who enslaved their ancestors. He was known for coming up with hard evidence to be used in court, so his clients could sue for repirations, and I was thrilled that he took my case.

Gleeful aspirations rolled through my head as I drove to his office for the results. I imagined the possibilities of my forefathers past, and began envisioning brave explorers conquering Europe and all of Asia. I pictured stunning ladies men charming gorgeous women throughout the mediterranian. War heroes, astronauts, pulitzer prize winners, oh the endless possibilities. Even the name Bukake, where did it come from, what does it mean?

"It's Japanese." Greene told me in a somber tone as he poured himself a Gin and tonic." Japanese for...at the center of a circle jerk"
"You're Kidding."
"I'm afraid not, Pablo."
"So then I'm Japanese?"
"No, you're British and Portugese. Let me explain."Greene walked to a chart of my family tree.
"You're the son of Robert Bukake and Olga Columbo of Asbury Park, NJ. Now if you trace your mother's heritage, first you see that the Columbo's first came to this country straight from Lisbon in 1954 and resided in Asbury park for the last several decades. Your grandmother's maiden name is Olivera, and she married your grandfather Joesph."
"Joseph?"
"Yes, Joseph....are you telling me you didn't know you're grandfather's name? You grew up in his house. Nevermind, it's not important. Let's get to your fathers side of the family." he pulled out a manilla envelope, put on his reading glasses and flipped through a pile of news clippings, photographs and official documents."I'm going to cut to the chase Bukake, your great grandfather, Allister Buchanan, was a royal asshole."
"Excuse me?"
"Sorry to put it so bluntly, but he really was an asshole."
"No no, the other part. Buchanan."
"Right. His name was Allister Buchanan. He was from London, trained at the Royal Shakespeare Theatre. He came to the United States on June 12th, 1906 with the dreams of becoming a successful actor. In fact, he pretty much thought he was the second coming of Shakespeare. He arrived at Ellis Island dressed in a purple leotard with enormous ruffles around the collar, here take a look at this photo. Now, according to Ellis Island records, when he arrived in New York he was already detained for instigating fights with fellow passengers, as well as the crew. He must have really pissed someone off at Ellis Island, because by June 13th, he was officially Allister Bukake. This new last name pretty much drove his acting career into the ground. His career in show business led him to Atlantic City, where he worked as a janitor in a vaudeville theatre for the next 40 years. In 1933 he was forced into a shotgun wedding with your great grandmother, Rita 'Honey-Pie' Hayes, former Atlantic City prostitute, and the rest is here in the file."
I wasn't ready to hear all that. I simply couldn't believe it.
"So then...I come from a long line of BADASSES... WOW!!!" I screamed as I jumped from my seat.
"Whatever works for you kid. Lets wrap this up. I gotta pick my stepdaughter up from pre-school."
Greene pulled a Xanax from his pocket and washed it down with the last of his gin and tonic. Man was I glad I hired this guy.

I walked to the parking lot and now had a whole new outlook on life. The name Bukake wasn't a curse, it was a scar...and chicks dig scars.

"My name is Pablo Bukake, and I'm Okay." I declared, throwing my right fist into the air, as I was walked off into the sunset.

The Ultimate Gentleman's Club:The John CandyBar

2007-04-12T14:05:00.000-07:00

TV station WWOO in Camden, NJ Reporting with…A New Kind of Gentleman's Club

Hi, this is Danny Wang reporting from Drudge St in Camden, NJ. Sure, the average guy likes to go see exotic entertainment once in a while. And there are plenty of Gentleman's clubs in the area. But this one is a little different…

I am outside the John Candybar. Yes, ladies and gentleman, you heard that right, the John Candybar. This exotic club has the common going-ons of your average strip club,-beautiful ladies, lap dances, overpriced drinks, and so on. But with a little Hollywood twist.

Owner Frankie Taglione is the owner of the Pure Pleasure club in East Brunswick, NJ and a huge John Candy fan. His dream was to open a strip club where John Candy's career could be celebrated and men could enjoy ladies all at the same time. I asked Frank how this idea came about…

"So ya know, I'm a huge John Candy fan and shit, and he makes me laugh. Laugh out loud actuhlly. So, I'se got dis idea to replace those overplayed Van Halen and AC/DC songs with clips from John Candy movies while the girls are out dere dancing. Instead of having, uh, ya know, "Hot fuh teachah" playin", we'se got that scene from Great Outdoors where he's trying to kill the bat wit Dan Akroyd. I love dat bit!!!"

I asked exotic dancer Ginger Lynn how she feels about it.

"It's a little weihd, ya know. It throws off my timing, epeciuhlly when I'm sliding down the pole and I hears sumtin' about Harry Crumb playing in the background. It just makes for a strange mood. Frankie treats us good though, with benefits and stuff, so I reallies got no complaints."

How do the customers feel? I asked Bill Pickford.

"Well, don't get me wrong. I love John Candy. But if I pay $30 for a lap dance and during it I hear that awkward scene between John Candy and Steve Martin arguing in the hotel room from Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, it's a little tough to get aroused. Especially, with those corny John Hughes songs playing in the background.."

How does Jimmy Durand feel?

"I fuckin' love it!!!! I get all jacked up in the bathroom and come out and there's hot chicks everywhere, 1941 playing on a plasma in one corner, Uncle Buck quotes playing on the PA system while the girls do their thing.. Girls and John Candy all over the place!!! It's like another world. This place is money!!! It's what I imagine John is in heaven doing right now."

Well, it must be working. The $20 cover and $7 drinks don't stop them. There's a line out the door every weekend night and the VIP rooms are booked for the next 6 months.

And then there is the main event. The JohnCandybar Annual Mudwrestle. Inspired from the legendary scene from Stripes, this event draws spectators from all over the East Coast and Mr. Taglione loves every minute of it. “Oh, it’s by far the best of the year. I bring in my buddy Sammy, who looks just like John. And we fill a ring with mud. Sammy goes at it with the girls just like in the movie. Sammy gets beat up pretty bad, but he’s used to it working for my uncle Vito. I tend to use some of my daytime girls because they get pretty roughed up too ‘cuz Sammy don’t go down easy..But the girls that do get in that ring, boy they make a killing. The cash just rains in from the crowd. A little rinse with the hose out back and that cash is good to go…”

Frankie says the money’s good, but that’s not the point.. "I do ok. But the truth is I loved John. And this is kinda my shrine to him. The way he lived life and the way everyman should."

I'm Danny Wang reporting from the John Candybar. Back to you Melissa.

Crass Cuisine: Hot Platin' with Jamie Anne

2007-04-04T13:45:00.000-07:00

"Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of Crass Cuisine: Hot Platin' with Jamie Anne, I'm Jamie Anne and today we're gonna be cooking some tequila lime chicken with a side of rice and beans."

Camera pans back to reveal the show takes place in a tiny 3rd floor studio apartment with a hot plate propped up on an ironing board.

"Now I know what your thinking, 'I thought this crazy bitch was gonna make chicken cacciatore today',well we can't fuckin do that without no crockpot. And thanks to that prick Benny down at the Miller Time Pub, not only do I got another warrant, but I'm down a fuckin crockpot."

Jamie Anne throws 2 chicken breasts on the hot plate, lights a cigarette, and begins pouring Aristrocrat Tequilla on the hot plate, while blocking cigarette smoke from her left eye by closing it.

"That's the stuff."

She stops the flow of tequilla on the hot plate by pulling the bottle up to her lips and taking a pull. She gets a liter of Aristrocrat Vodka from the cabinet and grabs 2 oranges and a knife.

"I just thought of an idea for a better side, fuck the rice and beans, takes too long and we only got a half hour you know what I'm saying." she says as she cuts the oranges in half. "what we're gonna do here is make a pulpy screwdriver. These go over fuckin primo at dinner parties, or just a backyard get together, or fuckin A', I used to just make these as an after school snack when I was a kid. Real easy, cut your oranges in half, and then you take your knife there, and and cut one,two, three, good slices into these babies. You just pour some vodka into the slots and let 'em soak in there for a minute or so, and just cut 'em in half again.Now, I flip my chicken and I'm gonna add my seasoning, cause remember my rule to live by when cooking internationally, the chinks get the soya and the spicks get the goya.Now, ...oh shit... I forgot to pick up some peppers at the market."

Jamie Anne walks over and opens the window and leans out of it.

"Hey Ronnie...Ronnie...you gotta give me a lift to the market, I'm taping my show and I need a fucking pepper" long pause " Ronnie" long pause "Alright I'll be right down".

She picks up one of the orange quarters and sucks the pulp dry. She puts the the other quarters into her purse and looks to the camera man for assistance.

"hey go into the pockets of those jeans on the futon and see if I got any cash in there...I don't...can you spot me a fin for a pepper...right on, c'mon we gotta go out this way" she says as she climbs onto the fire escape.

"If you ever lose your keys, and you need to duck your landlord 'til you get caught up on the rent, a fire escape is a girls best friend. Hand me the fuckin camera before you fall down and drop it Einstein"

Jamie Anne grabs the camera and makes her way down the fire escape, the whole time the camera is pointed at the ground showing her bare feet walking down the stairs and the ladder at the end, and finally the camera is placed on ground as she runs over to Ronnie. She gives him a kiss and walks over to his Fiero and holds the passenger door for the camera man who climbs into the backseat.

"Boy do you know when to catch me" Ronnie says as he raises his arm and holds it still. He has a small line of cocaine on his fist. Jamie Anne leans over and snorts it.

"Hot Damn, this is turning out to be a good show" Jamie Anne says " Pulpy Screwdriver?" she hands one of the orange quarters to Ronnie and they both suck the juices out of their orange."I got my probation officer all pissed off because I skipped my last meeting, fuck that, you know what I mean, I got a new warrant. I aint fuckin stupid. And my fuckin producer's all pissed at me about the FCC. It's like I keep tellin him, just tell 'em to fuck off, but he don't want to listen... Oh fuck a duck, pull into Miller Times I'm gonna get my fuckin crockpot back."

The car pulls in front of the building and Jamie Anne leaps out leaving the passenger side door open. The camera man struggles to get out of the backseat of the fiero while holding the camera. Once he does he takes a shot of the outside of the Miller Time Pub, a tiny dive bar with a Miller High life neon in the window. As he approaches the door the sound of Jamie Anne's shouting at Benny the bartender is drowning out the George Thorogood on the juke box.

"Bullshit Benny, Bullshit. You never called last call and there I was pumping quarters into the juke box, I put half the Steve Miller Band's greatest hits on and you shut the fuckin thing down on me, treat me like I'm some fuckin asshole when I brought my meatballs in the crockpot for you, and then you call the fuckin cops?!?! That's fucked up Benny."

"I know Jamie doll, come on sit down, have a drink on the house. I'm sorry, you know I love you."

"Alright Benny, it is fucked up though man. I got a fuckin warrant on me now, you fucked up things with me and my probey."

"I'm sorry hon. what are you drinking"

"Give me 2 shots of Wild Turkey, and oh how rude of me, one for my camera man here as well, no.. you don't want one,I'll take his." She downs all three shots. "Hey Benny give me a can of Fosters for the road I'm in the middle of a show."

Benny gives her a can of Fosters"Hey Jamie what about your crockpot."

Jamie walks out carrying the large can of Fosters and forgets the crockpot inside. She comes out to see that Ronnie's Fiero is gone."Fuck a duck. Looks like we're hitchin' it from here"

Jamie and the camera man start hitch hiking and within minutes a subaru outback full of teenage boys pulls up and they squeeze in to the car. The camera man is forced to sit in the hatchback.

"Hey lady I'll make a deal with you, you buy us some beer and I'll give you a ride to wherever you need" the driver says.

"Give me a ride and a pack of butts and I'll buy you guys beer"

"How about I'll give you a ride and I'll smoke this joint with you?"

"How about you give me the ride, smoke the joint, and buy me the butts or you aint gettin no fuckin beer. now pull up to that vegetable stand"

The car pulls over, Jamie Anne leaps out and grabs a pepper and starts arguing with the lady holding cash box, when suddenly Ronnie's Fiero pulls back up. Jamie jumps in without paying for the pepper, leaving the camera man in the hatch back with the teenage kids, when suddenly the camera man feels his cell phone vibrate. He answers to find Jamie Anne calling from Ronnie's cell phone, and she asks him to hold his cell phone up to the camera.

"Thats all we have for today, join me next time on Crass Cuisine, hot platin with Jamie Anne, when I'll be making chicken cacciatore."

Reverse Rudy:The True Football Underdog Hero

2007-03-20T10:39:00.001-07:00

Superintendent Harris:”Rudy Bibeault has been playing football for Uxbridge High for 42 years. He has purposely flunked out of his senior class to continue to play football. Is there anything the school board can do to influence his teachers to pass this guy?”

Principal Peloquin: “We tried that about 20 years ago, but this guy has so many family connections in this town. I mean, he’s like a grandfather to some of these teachers and it’s become kind of like an honor to flunk him. Noone wants to be the ‘first’ to pass him.”

Superintendent Harris: “This guy is a liability. What if he gets hurt or hurts another kid?”

Coach Williams: “He has medical coverage from his wife. She works at Starbucks. He will soon be covered under Medicare too. As for hurting another kid, we have 18 year olds that play, so that’s not an issue.

Superintendent Harris: “Jesus! Somebody do something! Is this the Twilight Zone or something? You know the Today Show called and heard about this. That’s all I need is the media mocking this town. Uxbridge, a laughing stock! Can you imagine what the mayor will think?”

(Friday Practice)

QB Garret: “27 Counter on 2. Ready? Break!”

CB Hammersmith: “You think you can run past me grandpa?”

Rudy: “I ran past your father when he caught me in the bedroom banging your mother. Piss ass.”

QB Garret: “Hut. Hut”

CB Hammersmith: “Hrrrrr. Take that old man.”

QB Garret: “Hey Rudy, you ok?”

Rudy: “Yeah, I’m alright. Next time punk. Next time.”

Coach Williams: “Ok team, we have the biggest game in Spartan history this weekend. We play Northbridge for the title. We need to come together. Now, all of you go home and rest tonight. NO PARTYING! Rudy, no buying beer for the kids, ok?”

Rudy:“You got it coach.”

RB Fordham:“Hey, the cheerleaders are heading over to the Hood construction site to party tonite. You guys going?”

QB Garret: “Hell ya! Mindy is smokin’ AND she puts out!”

Rudy: “That’s my granddaughter you’re talking about you son of a bitch. Whatever happen to respecting a woman.”

RB Fordham: “Oh fuck you Rudy. You grew up in the fuckin 60s and 70s. You did drugs, didn’t have to worry about STDs, and listened to cool music.”

Rudy: “You’re right. But back then it was more about football than anything. I scored a touchdown in 1973 against those Ponaganset faggots. Deep route, one handed. I got so laid after that game..”

QB Garret:“Isn’t that girl now your wife?”

Rudy: “Sure is.” Hey. if you bang my granddaughter do you promise to wear a condom?”

QB Garret:“Sure thing Rudy.”

(GAMEDAY)

QB Garret:“Mindy shrieks and then she does this thing with her—Oh hey Rudy.”

Rudy: “Hey Guys”

DE Paulson:“Why are you in full uniform already?”

Rudy:“I sleep in my uniform. Minus the helmet. Back in ‘85 I forgot my jersey at home and had to play with one of those orange construction uniforms to match the Spartan pride. Ever since, I sleep in my pads, so I’m ready.”

QB Garret:“Bet you didn’t get laid after that game.”

Rudy:“No. And my car broke down after the game. I couldn’t get anyone to stop on the road because they thought I was working on the potholes on Route 146.”

RB Fordham: “Bummer.”

(4th Quarter. Spartans down by 5.)

Coach Williams:”Timeout! TIMEOUT!” “Ok team, this is it. 1 minute left. Let’s get three plays in here. Screen pass left, draw, and deep rout to McCallister. If we pull these off, we can get in the end zone. Garret, you’ll have to spike the ball after the draw, so everyone get lined up quickly.”

Commentator:”Here’s the snap. The quarterback drops back, screen pass to Fordham, he’s down the sideline and out of bounds for a gain of 12.”

“They line up. Twins left and a flanker set to the right. Looks like they’re going to the air. QB drops back and a handoff to Fordham. Up the middle for a first down and maybe more.”

“Spartans Line Up. QB spikes the ball. There’s 12 seconds on the clock.”

QB Garret:“Ok. Deep post route to McCallister. On 2.

Tully Richards, school punk:“Hey Rudy, you forgot your wheelchair!”

Rudy gets up from the bench and starts yelling close to the sideline with one foot on the field.

Rudy: “Fuck you Richards. Your father’s back in rehab and hitting it up with some crack whore named Linda. That’s right smart guy, I’se got connections at the clinic.”

Coach Williams: “What the fuck is Rudy doing? Wait. Noone is covering him. The sleeper play. The SLEEPER play!! They got McCallister triple covered on the other side! McCallister! McCallister! Get off the field. Run off!!!”

McCallister puzzingly runs off the field.

Rudy at Tully: “And your mom’s so fucking stupid. I bet even I could beat her at a math test!:

Coach Williams(whispering): “Rudy! Rudy! Get your other foot on the field and go deep. YES! You dumb…Yes, Go Deep.”

Commentator: “The QB Snaps the ball. Wait! Rudy Bibeault is sprinting down the left side. The ball is up, up, up! Rudy’s got it. He’s going down the sideline. He’s tackled. Is he in? Is he in?”

Referee: Touchdown!!!

Commentator: “Uxbridge wins!!! Uxbridge Wins!!!”

The team jumps on top of Rudy.

Superintendent Harris is running down the field jumping in the air! “We won! We won! Oh my God. The Today Show is here. It’s Meredith Viera. Holy Shit…”

“Rudy! Rudy!” the crowd is chanting.

RB Fordham: “Coach. I think Rudy’s dead.”

Coach Williams:“What? Oh my god.”

QB Garret: “Yeah, I think he had a heart attack or something on about the one inch line and fell in the end zone.”

Superintendent Harris: “I don’t give a flying fuck. We are on TV and just won the championship.You hoist that dead, stupid old freak on your arms like it’s a hoity-toity fucking Weekend at Bernie’s and carry him away like he’s alive. Just keep the TV cameras at least twenty yards away.This is the golden opportunity to start my political career. Golden, I tell you. GOLDEN!”

QB Garret:“Ok, Mr. Harris. Chill out.”

Meredith Viera: "Well what a day for the Uxbridge school system and this town. How do you feel about letting a 58 year old man continue his time in high school?"

Superintendent Harris:"Well, Ms. Viera, thank you. I like to think that we here at Uxbridge tend to let people live there dream. I know it's out of the ordinary but that's what this town is about. Dreams are for the young and old, black and white, alive or dead."

Meridith Viera:”Excuse me?”

Superintendent Harris:”Ahem. Oh, Nothing. How about it for these players??!”

The Crowd: “Rudy! Rudy!”

(3 Days later At Rudy’s funeral):

Superintendent Harris: “I’d like to speak. I’d just like to say that Rudy Bibeault represented what was Uxbridge. A fighter, determined to accomplish his dream. Well, he did just that. And, here before we lower his coffin into the ground, I have one last dream for him. An Uxbridge High School Diploma.”

(Clapping. Sobbing.)

Superintendent Harris: “Thank You, #82, Rudy Bibeault”

A statue of Rudy Bibeault now sits in Uxbridge Town Square. He is seen with a football in one hand and a diploma in another.

I don't want to trouble the phone company

2007-03-08T08:20:00.000-08:00

By Angelo

I have had this phone a good portion of my life. It still works. It says Bell System Property on it, so it’s not really mine. It still rings. No redial though. I have rented the phone for $3 per month since February of ’74 from Western Electric/AT & T. They sent me the bill and I sent in my payment. No problems. Then they called me in the 1990s to ask me return the phone because it costs them more in operating costs to bill me for the phone than $3. They also said I was the last man on Earth still renting the phone from them and that the phone had almost cost me $1,000 over the years.. I said no,but thank you. I said I didn’t want any trouble. I don’t want to trouble the phone company. They have enough to worry about with phone lines, switchboards, and people calling the operator(Dial ‘0’). I had also gotten attached to this phone. I had a lot of memories with this phone. I spoke to my wife after our wedding day as she ran off to Paris with another man. I spoke to my son in a muffed voice when he went AWOL from the Army. I even got the news of my father’s death on this phone. So, it’s important to me. I haven’t gotten a bill recently, so I’m nervous. I called AT & T, but they no longer exist. I decided to send them what I think I owe them. I found an old bill and sent it to that address. I hope there are no problems. The phone still works but I am afraid someone is going to come for me or it. I feel like I am stealing the phone and somebody is watching me. I saw a phone worker on the pole the other day and ran back inside. I figured they bugged my phone. So, I don’t use it anymore. I just let it ring.

What a Killer Week For Awesome Tapes!! By Randy "Black Dog" Chase

2007-03-03T11:49:00.000-08:00

Sept 26, 1987

WHAT'S UP HEADBANGER NATION!!!!

I'm declaring the glorious month of September 1987 the GREATEST MONTH IN ROCK HISTORY!!!
And let me tell you, I didn't feel that way yesterday. As you all should DAMN WELL KNOW, Sept 25 1980 is the darkest day in rock history; the day that the great John "Bonzo" Bonham stopped fueling the hellfire that was Led Zeppelin.

I started the day the same way I always do on the anniversary of Bonzo's passing; with a wake and bake followed by chugging 7 michelobs, 1 for each year that I've survived the end of rock as it should be. Now it was time to break out the J.D.!!!

I threw Zeppelin II into my tape deck and CRANKED IT UP!! I began pulling rips off my pint of J.D., and I admit, that as the first drum fill to "Whole Lotta Love" rolled across my speakers, my eyes filled with tears. And by the time the single snare hit concluding the legendary "Moby Dick" drum solo on side 2 happened, I was on my knees, weeping. "Bring Bonzo back and take me instead" I pleaded with the Rock Gods. It was only as the bluesy roots of "Bring It On Home' kicked in that I noticed the phone had been ringing.

I pulled myself together and answered. It was Danny Kelly a junior at the local high school and a fellow rocker. He was looking for a buyer to get him a case of beer for the North Conway Autmn Carnival. After some tough negotiating I agreed to get him a 12 rack of Bud if he gave me a lift to the post office, paid for a pack of smokes, a sixer of Keystone (talked down from Michelob), and he had to listen to Physical Graffiti with me before the carnival.

After dropping my Columbia House tape club membership enrollment into the mailbox, the rest of the day became one big blur of Keystone,Jack Daniels, Physical Graffiti, the Rock 'n' Roll express, hitchiking home with vomit on my favorite half shirt, and unsuccessfully attempting to hang my new Def Lepard mirror over my bed. Apparently the horsehair plaster couldn't handle the weight and the mirror came crashing down on my head knocking me completely unconcious.

Strange occurances took place while I was in my deep sleep, and I know that I was touched by the Rock Gods. My electricity and telephone were out. Clearly the presence of the Rock Gods was mightier than last years Hurricane Gloria. Even stranger, my hair was longer than Nikki Sixx's and my moustache grew in completely burly (my beard... not so much). But best of all I opened my front door to find boxes and boxes of tapes from Columbia house. This was a true rock'n'roll miracle.

I immediately ripped into the box and was completely amazed at the tapes that came out over night. Cinderella, Europe,King Diamond, Poison, Guns n' Roses, a new Bon Jovi called Slippery When Wet. It seemed to good to be true. I dug deeper through the piles of tapes, Huey Lewis and the News have a new one called Fore. As a rocker I shouldn't be excited about this, yet I AM!! Then I found the jewel of the nile as they say...Whitesnake.

Something was so enticing about this tape. As soon as I had the shrink wrap off, that baby was BLASTING in my walkman.The power of the riffs brought me to the floor. I had found it. The 2nd coming of ROCK!!! The riffs, the vocals, the lyrics, it was as if Robert Plant and Co. had never lost a beat. Tracks like "Still of the Night" had me asking myself, HOW CAN MUSIC EVER BE BETTER? Then after listening to the heart wrenching "Is This Love" and rewinding it to hear again, and again, I simply couldn't dry my tears. This was the tune that FINALLY put "All Of My Love" to shame. And as I thought I discovered the all time greatest tape in history, the opening keyboard melody of "Here I Go Again" carried my from beutiful sounds scapes into full force, fist pounding ROCK!!!

Truly Whitesnake is the BE ALL END ALL OF ROCK!!! This is the band that will define our time, and all generations to follow. They are the greatest offering the Gods of Rock have ever delivered, and for that I am eternally in their debt!!!

ROCK ON-
Black Dog

We here at 3orangewhipples would like to inform our readers that Randy "Black Dog" Chase was a reclusive freelance record reviewer for 3orangewhipples magazine in the mid 1980's. He was reported missing and presumed dead in late 1987. We only discovered that he has been in a coma at his home in North Conway N.H. for 19 and a half years, when he mailed the above review to our offices.

The Adventures of Marty the Meth Addict: At the South Dakota Welcome Center

2007-02-16T06:34:00.000-08:00

What's the matter? Never seen a guy do Crystal Meth before. Jesus! BOwowwooonnnanananana.. RRrggg.. Hoof. Anyway, why don't you mind your own business? It's good for the economy. Just like Phil Collins said. Su-su-sudaphed, man. Sales have skyrocketed, Big Pharma is making a killing. They even make you sign for it now at the counter at Rite-Aid. I think it's for a tax refund I'll get in the mail. That's what my friend Ryan told me. Take a look at that VW bus. Fuckin' Deadheads. Well, I'm a Meth-Head-KnowhatImean. He-he-he-he. I made that up myself. Sort of….Remember Ernest? The guy who went to camp? He used to say, "KnowwhatImean?" Well, when I lived in LA, I smoked some rock with a guy that I swear was him. He even had that blue jean vest thing going on and after he took a hit he'd do that 'Eeehhhwwwwww' thing with his jaw. Honest to Ernest. Hey, you got change for a dollar? I'll throw in the blood stain on it for free. No? "Don't stop believing. Don't stop believing." Love fuckin' Journey. I gotta get some sleep this week man. What time is it? Noon? Oh, is this your wife coming here outta the bathroom. Nice! Well, hello, hello, Misses. Mwa, mwa, mwa. Good luck to you two, ye mates. …Enjoy yer stay here in the methampheta-seas of South Dakota…Arrrggg..

Hey there Mister, mind buying me a cup of joe outta the machine over there? It's freaking 12 degrees and I'm wearing jams and a Got Milk? T-shirt. Thanks, I appreciate it. You want me to walk over there with ya. No? Going to make a quick stop behind the brick building here. If you see any Staties pull up, yell out, "Johnny on the Spot!"

(Puff. Puff.) Hot Damn! That was one shock rock. Whoaaa.

Hey man. Yeah you! What's up with that coffee? You're gonna take off on me? Real nice. You come back here right now. No one break coffee treaty with Chief Marty. I'll catch your car with my made-in-America feet. Hi-ya-ya-hi-ya-ya.

That's right biatch, Chief Marty can fly, fly right on the hood your car. How about that coffee now? Ohhh, so you gonna take me for a ride, eh? The ol' turnin on the wipers trick. How about I just grab on to'em, like this, heh? That's right. Hey, look at Marty, he's like an Indian riding with the reigns of his- Ahhhh!!!. Holy shittt!! Oh god. Oh, my back!! My back. It's broke. It's broke. HELP! Will SOMEONE help me up?

Hey RV guy, I just lost my 3rd tooth this month and I'm coughing up blood.. How about a giving me a hand here? Hospital? Ohhh, noooo waayyyyward son... I ain't going to no hospital. Those kooks. The last time I overdosed they told me I needed a new liver and I told them, 'That's why the Lord gives everyone 2 of 'em you stupid bastards!" and stormed outta there. All they're after is my money. I'll be alright. I'll be alright. I'm going to just perch myself near that hibachi pit over there until the snow stops. Can I have a match and the foil from your burger?

OK You Got Me; I've Never Really Seen That Show Me the Money Movie with Jerry McGuire in it.

2007-02-13T06:17:00.001-08:00

By Lonnie Durand

The first time I saw her everything went into slow motion. Her name was Tammy and she was the most unique vision of beauty I'd ever seen. She was escorted into my life in the spring of 1996 by my supervisor Rick Danbury, a suave, cocky ladie's man, who I despised, although I didn't have the guts to show it.She began working diagonally from my workbench, and right away, I was entrigued and hanging on her every word. It wasn't everyday that such a beutiful girl came through the doors in this place, and I knew that by the first coffee break word would spread quickly of her, and the competition would soon be moving in. I needed to find my "in" and I needed it quick.She was working with Alice, who had come back from retirement just 2 years ago and now was working as our group leader. Listening in on their small talk I heard Tammy say that she wanted to see a new movie called Jerry McGuire. Bingo,I thought, and I was off, smooth as a hawk.

"Jerry McGuire, that movie was soooo fucking awwwesomme"

She glanced at me with an adorable look of confusion.

"What do you mean? Jerry McGuire doesn't come out until Friday"

"Yeah... well...I got this guy who can get me into movie's that didn't come out yet." Good save, I thought to myself. Stay cool Lonnie, Stay cool.

"Lonnie what are you talking about" spurted out Alice "The man at the movie theatre hasn't let you into a movie in 3 years. Remember he beat you up the last time you tried going to the movies. For dressing up like a lady and yelling at the pictures."

"Really?" Tammy asked.

"Oh yeah, Lonnie got so mad that they won't play that Rocky Road Horror show he likes so much that he said he was gonna stage a protest. He hung up all these flyers around town saying 'Viva la Rocky Road', and then he got all dressed up like a lady and went to the movies, and he was yellin and singin and people were just trying to watch the picture, you know the nice one with the Tom Hanks and the AIDS"

"DAMNIT ALICE IT's THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW" I yelled,"AND I DID SEE JERRY MCGUIRE, I SAW IT YESTERDAY YOU STUPID BITCHES"And with that I knew I put a minor setback on my first impression.

Alice left the room crying, and her oldest son Doug came running over. He grabbed me by my throat, called me a motherfucker and dropped me with one swift punch to the gut.That was the first time I got my ass kicked over Jerry Mcguire. Danbury pulled me off the floor and demoted me to working in the stock cage.Shortly after that, Doug and Tammy began dating.

There was nothing I could do to get closer to her. So I had to stick with what I knew she loved... Jerry McGuire.The fact was, I was banned from the local movie theatre. My driver's license had been suspended indefinately for multiple DUI charges, and it became clear that I would not be able to go to see the movie. So I did what any rational man would do. I spent all my free time drinking Zima and watching The Ricky Lake Show, just to see Jerry McGuire commercials. I knew I had to repair my reputation with Tammy, but now I was getting close...I was beginning to put the pieces together.

"Hey Tammy wait up" I said, following her as she walked past my stock cage on her way to the restroom.

"Hey I saw Jerry McGuire again last night, it was like the 10th time this week, 'Show Me The Money' ha ha ha..Right. I love that."

"Yeah I get it Donny, you like Jerry McGuire, now would you stop following me to the ladies room?"

"Well talk to the hand 'cause the face aint listenin'" I declared. I would not be deturred.
As time rolled by, I saw less and less of Tammy. Months had passed and soon they were no longer airing Mcguire ads. I had been drinking zima pretty heavily, everything was becoming a blur. I longed for the good old days when I was the man of Tammy's dreams. Speaking sweet nothings about her all time favorite movie would wisp her away, and I was the only one she knew who saw Jerry McGuire.I was lonely...desperate even, but not hopeless. I spoke only of Jerry McGuire to my co-workers knowing it would soon bring Tammy running back to me just as sure as the spring would free us from this incessant Winter. Then one day the hammer came crashing down hard.

"So Deniro goe's Show me the money to Jerry Lewis, right because he's his biggest fuckin fan and shit"

"Lonnie I'm not gonna tell you again to keep it down during the meeting". Fucking Danbury, I thought. Always trying to bring me down, but this time he couldn't. I'd been drinking zima all morning and was feeling too damn good. Besides it was just another quarterly meeting where we filed into the atrium and stood around like idiots. Same thing everytime, Ol' Man Caputano spews out the same figures..."1st quarter blah,blah,blah...2nd quarter growth is plummeting blah,blah,blah...3rd quarter comebacks blah,blah,blah...4th quarter projections are telling us Show Me the Money"

Wait, did he just steal my line? Did that motherfucker actually say Show me the money, and to add insult to injury the entire audience exploded with laughter. They know damn well that I'm the guy who says show me the money around here. What was this a conspiracy? Were they all out to get me. Possibly, I pondered, but no. They were all out to get Tammy. They ALL wanted her , and they caught wind that the way to her heart is through Jerry Mcguire.

"You Motherfuckers!" I shouted "You're trying to steal my woman." With that it was on. I pulled the zima I was nursing from under my sweatshirt and broke it over the back of Danburys head.As I made a rush straight for the podium with my broken zima bottle, I pushed Alice flat on her ass. Hopping over her, I noticed Tammy looking at me. I made the same dashing face that I pictured Jerry Mcguire making if he were in this situation and plowed right through old man Henderson. Only 10 more yards to the podium, and I could see security gearing up pretty heavy. Didn't matter, I was ready. What I wasn't ready for was the clothesline right to the windpipe I caught from Alice's son Doug. I hit the floor like a sack of potatoes, and received a barage of kicks to the head,face,chest, and legs. Everybody was in on it. First Doug, then Danbury, old man Henderson, Alice, even Tammy...oh my Tammy, why would she do this to the one she loved.I was taken away in an ambulance to the county's general hospital and released the next day to the custody of the chief of police. I was arrested, fired, and after violating a restraining order Tammy had placed against me, I was arrested again.

When I got out of jail, I was on the streets. Begging for money, I found myself resorting to the only thing I ever knew. Jerry McGuire. I would scream "Show me the Money" to strangers on the street, expecting a warm welcome to such a current reference, but as much time had passed I found that just scared people away. It was only when a case worker at the mission made me realize that I had a problem. I was not an honest man. I had to come clean to the world, as I am right now.So here it goes...My Name is Lonnie Durand, and I've never seen that show me the money movie with Jerry McGuire in it.

Wall Street 2: Pleasant Valley Apple Orchard

2007-02-01T08:26:00.000-08:00

Backdrop:
Michael Douglas has retired from Mergers and Aquisitions and moved out to New Jersey where he now runs a small apple picking farm and rents a spare bedroom to Wilfred Brimley who helps him around the orchard. Meanwhile 20 years after Charlie Sheens fathers death and his virtual disapearance from Wall Street, he realizes that the only thing that truly matters is money. He makes a big comeback starts his own firm and now wants to recruit Michael Douglas to be his partner.

Scene 1: Charlie Sheen's limo pulls into Michael Douglas's unpaved driveway where customers are walking away with buckets of apples. Charlie Sheen gets out of the back, and peals off his sunglasses to reveal a bewildered look.

CS: Well I see it but I don't believe it
MD: that will be 6.50 please. out of seven, and 2 shiny Washington's are your change.
Customer: Thank you
MD: No thank you...Come again....and Don't forget pumpkin season's right around the corner.
CS: I see you haven't lost your entreprenaurial spirit. This is quite an operation you've got going.
MD: I like to think so. Did you come here to buy apples or to bust my balls.
CS: Neither. I've got a firm. We're the biggest up and comer since JP Morgan.
MD: So I hear.
CS: We've been on the S&P for only 3 quarters now and we're showing tremendous gains. 9 figure profits, we're the biggest movers and shakers on the street.
MD: Well congratulations pal, now if you'll excuse me I have an orchard to run.
CS: I want to make you a partner.
MD: Not interested.
CS: Look this thing is about to skyrocket, and with you as my partner theres no limit to what we can do.
MD: Not interested.
CS: What happened to you. You used to be a killer.
MD. I found the secret to a better life.
CS: Oh Yeah...What's that?
MD: You want money to grow on trees? Start an apple picking business.

LATER SCENE: Charlie Sheen's persistence has landed him a meeting with Michael Douglas under the terms that the meeting occur while fly fishing at Dawn on Michael's farm.The scene begins with Charlies driver again opening the door to his Limo, Charlie walks over to Michael who is putting the finishing touches on a tire swing he has just installed.

MD: The secret to a good tire swing is, it's all in the knots.A good timber hitch at the top and you run it down into a running bowline. Sturdy knots...sturdy swing.
CS: That's great but I didn't wake up at 4:30 to talk about tireswings, so can we get down to business.
MD: C'mon

Michael leads him down a path to his pond.Charlie carrying his state of the art fishing rod.

CS: I'm prepared to up the anty. I'll give you 1/4 a million in stock per quarter for your first 2 years plus my previous offer of making you partner.
MD: Take your shoes off
CS: I'll even throw in a company penthouse on 5th Avenue.
MD: Look if you want to ruin a perfectly good Armanie suit be my guest pal, but personally, I would roll up those pant legs and get in the water while the kiver are bitin'

Charlie takes off his shoes and socks, rolls up his pantlegs.

CS: Where's your tackle box
MD: I don't have one
CS: Well what do you use for bait
MD: WORMS!!

Charlie puts a worm on his Rod and joins Michael in the water. Michael is using a branch with fishing wire and a worm on a hook which dangles just feet in front of him. Charlie casts his line a good 20 yards into the pond.

CS: Can I ask you something?
MD: Fire away, Buddy.
CS: You're a multi billionare. What the hell are you fishing with a worm on a stick for
MD: If it was good enough for Tom Sawyer, then it's good enough for me.
CS: How do you catch anything with the line just dangling a foot in front of you?
MD: The same way I made money. I let it come to me.
CS: Well how many fish have you caught using that thing?
MD: none
CS: None?!?!
MD: That's right, None.
CS: Well What The Hell Are We Doing Out Here??!
MD: GOD DAMNIT!! YOU JUST SCARED ALL THE FISH AWAY!!!

Camera pans back to show Charlie still in the water with the legs of his Armanie suit rolled up as he watches Michael Douglas storm out of the shallow water he was wading in, carrying his stick.

LATER SCENE:Charlie,Michael, and Wilfred Brimley are sitting around a small campfire on the farm sharing a jug of Carlo Rossi wine.

WB: Did I tell you 'bout that feller that's working at the hardware store. I tell ya'..ha...the goddamn sissy didn't just have hair down to his shoulders, but don't you that son of a bitch had an earring. Somebody oughta give that boy a good ass woopin' I tell ya, and I think I just might be the man for the job.
CS: You and me will make a hell of a team we can have it all. The whole world in our hands
MD: Problem is, I've been there and back. You get the whole world in your hands, but then what? what do you with it? What do you want with it?
WB: I'll pull that earring right out his goddamn ear. I used to kill punks like him 2 ata time back in Korea.
CS: Don't you miss the action? The thrill of the hunt? You were the best.
MD: Ha!
CS: I mean it man the best that wall street ever had. It took more guts to walk into your office the first time I met you than to deliver my fathers eulogy.
MD: Yeah well I'm sorry to hear that
CS: Can't you just see it. There's only so much action in the world, and you gotta grab it while you can. I mean what are you doing out here in the middle of nowhere selling apples to hicks. Youre a Killer Man and you gotta get back in the game. The street needs you...I NEED YOU.
WB: (Fart)