Reverse Rudy:The True Football Underdog Hero

Superintendent Harris:”Rudy Bibeault has been playing football for Uxbridge High for 42 years. He has purposely flunked out of his senior class to continue to play football. Is there anything the school board can do to influence his teachers to pass this guy?”

Principal Peloquin: “We tried that about 20 years ago, but this guy has so many family connections in this town. I mean, he’s like a grandfather to some of these teachers and it’s become kind of like an honor to flunk him. Noone wants to be the ‘first’ to pass him.”

Superintendent Harris: “This guy is a liability. What if he gets hurt or hurts another kid?”

Coach Williams: “He has medical coverage from his wife. She works at Starbucks. He will soon be covered under Medicare too. As for hurting another kid, we have 18 year olds that play, so that’s not an issue.

Superintendent Harris: “Jesus! Somebody do something! Is this the Twilight Zone or something? You know the Today Show called and heard about this. That’s all I need is the media mocking this town. Uxbridge, a laughing stock! Can you imagine what the mayor will think?”

(Friday Practice)

QB Garret: “27 Counter on 2. Ready? Break!”

CB Hammersmith: “You think you can run past me grandpa?”

Rudy: “I ran past your father when he caught me in the bedroom banging your mother. Piss ass.”

QB Garret: “Hut. Hut”

CB Hammersmith: “Hrrrrr. Take that old man.”

QB Garret: “Hey Rudy, you ok?”

Rudy: “Yeah, I’m alright. Next time punk. Next time.”

Coach Williams: “Ok team, we have the biggest game in Spartan history this weekend. We play Northbridge for the title. We need to come together. Now, all of you go home and rest tonight. NO PARTYING! Rudy, no buying beer for the kids, ok?”

Rudy:“You got it coach.”

RB Fordham:“Hey, the cheerleaders are heading over to the Hood construction site to party tonite. You guys going?”

QB Garret: “Hell ya! Mindy is smokin’ AND she puts out!”

Rudy: “That’s my granddaughter you’re talking about you son of a bitch. Whatever happen to respecting a woman.”

RB Fordham: “Oh fuck you Rudy. You grew up in the fuckin 60s and 70s. You did drugs, didn’t have to worry about STDs, and listened to cool music.”

Rudy: “You’re right. But back then it was more about football than anything. I scored a touchdown in 1973 against those Ponaganset faggots. Deep route, one handed. I got so laid after that game..”

QB Garret:“Isn’t that girl now your wife?”

Rudy: “Sure is.” Hey. if you bang my granddaughter do you promise to wear a condom?”

QB Garret:“Sure thing Rudy.”

(GAMEDAY)

QB Garret:“Mindy shrieks and then she does this thing with her—Oh hey Rudy.”

Rudy: “Hey Guys”

DE Paulson:“Why are you in full uniform already?”

Rudy:“I sleep in my uniform. Minus the helmet. Back in ‘85 I forgot my jersey at home and had to play with one of those orange construction uniforms to match the Spartan pride. Ever since, I sleep in my pads, so I’m ready.”

QB Garret:“Bet you didn’t get laid after that game.”

Rudy:“No. And my car broke down after the game. I couldn’t get anyone to stop on the road because they thought I was working on the potholes on Route 146.”

RB Fordham: “Bummer.”


(4th Quarter. Spartans down by 5.)

Coach Williams:”Timeout! TIMEOUT!” “Ok team, this is it. 1 minute left. Let’s get three plays in here. Screen pass left, draw, and deep rout to McCallister. If we pull these off, we can get in the end zone. Garret, you’ll have to spike the ball after the draw, so everyone get lined up quickly.”

Commentator:”Here’s the snap. The quarterback drops back, screen pass to Fordham, he’s down the sideline and out of bounds for a gain of 12.”

“They line up. Twins left and a flanker set to the right. Looks like they’re going to the air. QB drops back and a handoff to Fordham. Up the middle for a first down and maybe more.”

“Spartans Line Up. QB spikes the ball. There’s 12 seconds on the clock.”

QB Garret:“Ok. Deep post route to McCallister. On 2.

Tully Richards, school punk:“Hey Rudy, you forgot your wheelchair!”

Rudy gets up from the bench and starts yelling close to the sideline with one foot on the field.

Rudy: “Fuck you Richards. Your father’s back in rehab and hitting it up with some crack whore named Linda. That’s right smart guy, I’se got connections at the clinic.”

Coach Williams: “What the fuck is Rudy doing? Wait. Noone is covering him. The sleeper play. The SLEEPER play!! They got McCallister triple covered on the other side! McCallister! McCallister! Get off the field. Run off!!!”

McCallister puzzingly runs off the field.

Rudy at Tully: “And your mom’s so fucking stupid. I bet even I could beat her at a math test!:

Coach Williams(whispering): “Rudy! Rudy! Get your other foot on the field and go deep. YES! You dumb…Yes, Go Deep.”

Commentator: “The QB Snaps the ball. Wait! Rudy Bibeault is sprinting down the left side. The ball is up, up, up! Rudy’s got it. He’s going down the sideline. He’s tackled. Is he in? Is he in?”

Referee: Touchdown!!!

Commentator: “Uxbridge wins!!! Uxbridge Wins!!!”

The team jumps on top of Rudy.

Superintendent Harris is running down the field jumping in the air! “We won! We won! Oh my God. The Today Show is here. It’s Meredith Viera. Holy Shit…”

“Rudy! Rudy!” the crowd is chanting.

RB Fordham: “Coach. I think Rudy’s dead.”

Coach Williams:“What? Oh my god.”

QB Garret: “Yeah, I think he had a heart attack or something on about the one inch line and fell in the end zone.”

Superintendent Harris: “I don’t give a flying fuck. We are on TV and just won the championship.You hoist that dead, stupid old freak on your arms like it’s a hoity-toity fucking Weekend at Bernie’s and carry him away like he’s alive. Just keep the TV cameras at least twenty yards away.This is the golden opportunity to start my political career. Golden, I tell you. GOLDEN!”

QB Garret:“Ok, Mr. Harris. Chill out.”

Meredith Viera: "Well what a day for the Uxbridge school system and this town. How do you feel about letting a 58 year old man continue his time in high school?"

Superintendent Harris:"Well, Ms. Viera, thank you. I like to think that we here at Uxbridge tend to let people live there dream. I know it's out of the ordinary but that's what this town is about. Dreams are for the young and old, black and white, alive or dead."

Meridith Viera:”Excuse me?”

Superintendent Harris:”Ahem. Oh, Nothing. How about it for these players??!”

The Crowd: “Rudy! Rudy!”

(3 Days later At Rudy’s funeral):

Superintendent Harris: “I’d like to speak. I’d just like to say that Rudy Bibeault represented what was Uxbridge. A fighter, determined to accomplish his dream. Well, he did just that. And, here before we lower his coffin into the ground, I have one last dream for him. An Uxbridge High School Diploma.”

(Clapping. Sobbing.)

Superintendent Harris: “Thank You, #82, Rudy Bibeault”

A statue of Rudy Bibeault now sits in Uxbridge Town Square. He is seen with a football in one hand and a diploma in another.

I don't want to trouble the phone company

By Angelo

I have had this phone a good portion of my life. It still works. It says Bell System Property on it, so it’s not really mine. It still rings. No redial though. I have rented the phone for $3 per month since February of ’74 from Western Electric/AT & T. They sent me the bill and I sent in my payment. No problems. Then they called me in the 1990s to ask me return the phone because it costs them more in operating costs to bill me for the phone than $3. They also said I was the last man on Earth still renting the phone from them and that the phone had almost cost me $1,000 over the years.. I said no,but thank you. I said I didn’t want any trouble. I don’t want to trouble the phone company. They have enough to worry about with phone lines, switchboards, and people calling the operator(Dial ‘0’). I had also gotten attached to this phone. I had a lot of memories with this phone. I spoke to my wife after our wedding day as she ran off to Paris with another man. I spoke to my son in a muffed voice when he went AWOL from the Army. I even got the news of my father’s death on this phone. So, it’s important to me. I haven’t gotten a bill recently, so I’m nervous. I called AT & T, but they no longer exist. I decided to send them what I think I owe them. I found an old bill and sent it to that address. I hope there are no problems. The phone still works but I am afraid someone is going to come for me or it. I feel like I am stealing the phone and somebody is watching me. I saw a phone worker on the pole the other day and ran back inside. I figured they bugged my phone. So, I don’t use it anymore. I just let it ring.

What a Killer Week For Awesome Tapes!! By Randy "Black Dog" Chase

Sept 26, 1987

WHAT'S UP HEADBANGER NATION!!!!

I'm declaring the glorious month of September 1987 the GREATEST MONTH IN ROCK HISTORY!!!
And let me tell you, I didn't feel that way yesterday. As you all should DAMN WELL KNOW, Sept 25 1980 is the darkest day in rock history; the day that the great John "Bonzo" Bonham stopped fueling the hellfire that was Led Zeppelin.

I started the day the same way I always do on the anniversary of Bonzo's passing; with a wake and bake followed by chugging 7 michelobs, 1 for each year that I've survived the end of rock as it should be. Now it was time to break out the J.D.!!!

I threw Zeppelin II into my tape deck and CRANKED IT UP!! I began pulling rips off my pint of J.D., and I admit, that as the first drum fill to "Whole Lotta Love" rolled across my speakers, my eyes filled with tears. And by the time the single snare hit concluding the legendary "Moby Dick" drum solo on side 2 happened, I was on my knees, weeping. "Bring Bonzo back and take me instead" I pleaded with the Rock Gods. It was only as the bluesy roots of "Bring It On Home' kicked in that I noticed the phone had been ringing.

I pulled myself together and answered. It was Danny Kelly a junior at the local high school and a fellow rocker. He was looking for a buyer to get him a case of beer for the North Conway Autmn Carnival. After some tough negotiating I agreed to get him a 12 rack of Bud if he gave me a lift to the post office, paid for a pack of smokes, a sixer of Keystone (talked down from Michelob), and he had to listen to Physical Graffiti with me before the carnival.

After dropping my Columbia House tape club membership enrollment into the mailbox, the rest of the day became one big blur of Keystone,Jack Daniels, Physical Graffiti, the Rock 'n' Roll express, hitchiking home with vomit on my favorite half shirt, and unsuccessfully attempting to hang my new Def Lepard mirror over my bed. Apparently the horsehair plaster couldn't handle the weight and the mirror came crashing down on my head knocking me completely unconcious.

Strange occurances took place while I was in my deep sleep, and I know that I was touched by the Rock Gods. My electricity and telephone were out. Clearly the presence of the Rock Gods was mightier than last years Hurricane Gloria. Even stranger, my hair was longer than Nikki Sixx's and my moustache grew in completely burly (my beard... not so much). But best of all I opened my front door to find boxes and boxes of tapes from Columbia house. This was a true rock'n'roll miracle.

I immediately ripped into the box and was completely amazed at the tapes that came out over night. Cinderella, Europe,King Diamond, Poison, Guns n' Roses, a new Bon Jovi called Slippery When Wet. It seemed to good to be true. I dug deeper through the piles of tapes, Huey Lewis and the News have a new one called Fore. As a rocker I shouldn't be excited about this, yet I AM!! Then I found the jewel of the nile as they say...Whitesnake.

Something was so enticing about this tape. As soon as I had the shrink wrap off, that baby was BLASTING in my walkman.The power of the riffs brought me to the floor. I had found it. The 2nd coming of ROCK!!! The riffs, the vocals, the lyrics, it was as if Robert Plant and Co. had never lost a beat. Tracks like "Still of the Night" had me asking myself, HOW CAN MUSIC EVER BE BETTER? Then after listening to the heart wrenching "Is This Love" and rewinding it to hear again, and again, I simply couldn't dry my tears. This was the tune that FINALLY put "All Of My Love" to shame. And as I thought I discovered the all time greatest tape in history, the opening keyboard melody of "Here I Go Again" carried my from beutiful sounds scapes into full force, fist pounding ROCK!!!

Truly Whitesnake is the BE ALL END ALL OF ROCK!!! This is the band that will define our time, and all generations to follow. They are the greatest offering the Gods of Rock have ever delivered, and for that I am eternally in their debt!!!

ROCK ON-
Black Dog


We here at 3orangewhipples would like to inform our readers that Randy "Black Dog" Chase was a reclusive freelance record reviewer for 3orangewhipples magazine in the mid 1980's. He was reported missing and presumed dead in late 1987. We only discovered that he has been in a coma at his home in North Conway N.H. for 19 and a half years, when he mailed the above review to our offices.