Allright Fuzz: That cool cat Richard Branson almost said my '81 VW Rabbit is the best ride in the Universe

All right coppers you got me in here. That's right. But I won't tell you much cause I know how the fuzz operates. Well, it all started when I was coming back from Virginia Beach after surfing and hangin' for a week with my boys. I was driving on 64 in my money ride, my 1981 Volkswagon Rabbit. This puppy runs on biodiesel, man. I paid some dude to rig it from running on the old stink diesel it used to run on. So, I'm heading toward Jamestown and remember they're having the big 400th anniversary of the USA spectacle. It's a big deal, man. You should check it out. Well, then I got this vision. It was like divine invention, man. Mother Earth told me to kidnap someone famous at this big event and market my eco-friendly car to the world. She didn't like actually open up the sky and come down with big mountain tits and say in a deep dike voice, "GO KIDNAP SOMEONE AND TELL THE WORLD ABOUT YOUR RABBIT!" No, that would be just downright creepy and weird man. It was more of a combo of the windy trees, some mp3s of moe., and some spacy thoughts I was having from being sleep deprived all mixed into some kind of signal from outta space or inner Earth or both maybe.

So, I get to Jamestown and get a press pass from a friend of mine that's in this jamband (SkyRocket Rules!) whose sister works for a local newspaper and I get to this VIP party with all these hot shot beauracrats, stars, and philanthropists. So, anyway, I got in. I was surprised they let me in, because I had my Birkenstocks and Phish shirt on. They must have thought I was from some Freedom Ringin' magazine. I felt like Hunter S. Fucking Thompson, without the edge, ya know? So, I scope out the crowd and I see Richard Branson. I say, that's the English guy who owns Virgin Galactic, spaceships and shit. I know this because I googled the band Galactic before a show and the results returned Virgin Galactic. I went to his website and checked it out. Far out stuff. I said to myself, if anyone knows a good ride and can spread the word to the world, it's that dude. So, I introduce myself and get to talking to him about the Beatles and I slip a Roofie in his Champagne. When he starts to get drowsy, I told him where there was a place he could get some good fish and chips. He stumbled with me and I got him back to my Rabbit. I threw him in the back of my car and tied him up with a bunch of hemp necklaces I had from the Great Went festival years ago. Hemp's really strong you know. Bet you can't break it. Go ahead try…Well, it's probably worn out from Richard's wrists.

So, anyway he wakes up about 45 minutes later and he's like, "What's going on chap?" I said, "Listen, Rick, You're the voice of travel and own big ass companies. You gotta ride around with me and tell the world that my '81 Rabbit is the bomb, And that this car is the end all of global warming, man."

So, Ricky boy goes, "Well, I'm a proponent of preserving the environment and I am always willing to help a fellow. But to do anything I will need you to first untie me from these bloody knots."

That's when I got ballsy. I says, "Dude, You gotta promise not to try to run or nothing if I untie you."

He says, "Well, I'm an honest man and I can't promise you that."

So, I was like, "Thank you for being honest with me."

And he's like, "You're welcome."

And I says, "Would you like some Cheetos?"

And he goes, "No.",

And I'm like,"Why",

And he says, "Because.",

And I says, "Because why?",

And he's like,"Because I don't eat that American crap."

And I said, "Why not?"

And he says, "Because I don't like the taste. "

And I says, "Taste of what?"

And he's like, "Cheetos!"

And I was like, "But I'm the one holding them. Did you want some?"

He mumbled something , gave me a dirty look, and ignored me for what seemed like forever. It was really awkward man.

So, anyway, to make a long story short, we drive from Jamestown to Richmond. I know a fellow Phishhead that lives in Richmond , so I go to the cat's house at 11999 Plum St. and get some sweet bud. Me and this cat smoke up a bit and then I remember that Richard's in my car. I'm like, "Oh man!Richard's in my car." So, I goes into my car, and you know who's in it? Richard. So,I apologize for leaving him in there and I've got the munchies real bad at this point and scoot over to Ukrop’s. I ask him if he wants anything and he's says a cantaloupe. I was like that's cool, I can swing a ‘lope for my boy Richard.

So Ukrop’s has all that ready made shit, like marinated mushroom, greek salad, sushi, fresh fruit, organic cereal, sesame sticks, gardenburgers, all this vegan stuff, I mean it's a huge selection. Too huge. They got cantaloupes, melons, and honeydews, man. I couldn't tell the difference between them. I ended up asking some old lady about which ones were melons, and it just came out wrong and she hit me with her purse. Freakin' psycho! So anyway, I'm in there for like an hour and get like $100 worth the groceries. And when I'm in line, I'm like, "Oh man, Richard's still in my car!" I'm already cashing out at this point, so I gotta give the cashier the loot and everything. Well, the great thing about Ukrop’s is that they walk the groceries to your car because there were like 5 bags of stuff..

So, this bagger and I are walking to my car and talking about hot hippie chicks and shit and I get sidetracked and open the hatch to my Rabbit. And you know who's in there? Richard freaking Branson. He jumps outta the back and starts running and zigzagging around the parking lot with his hands tied. I said, "Hey Richard, come back here!! I got your cantaloupe." And he yells something like "it’s a grapefruit you stupid hippie!! " and jumps feet first into an empty shopping cart and cruises down Cary St. at like 20 mph. Unbelievable..Only Richard Branson can pull off escaping a kidnapping and look like he's having fun. You know I'm a fan of his now. I wish I spent more time with him. So, I guess he Houdinied out of those Hemp cuffs at some point and called you guys.

So, there you have it man. That sums up my brilliant, sinister plan and everyone will now know the smooth ride of my eco-friendly Rabbit. You can thank me later for reversing the vibe of global warming and saving Mother Earth. Hey, Ain't I supposed to get a lawyer or something man? I'm taking criminology at UVA, and I think I should have one by now.