Penpal Letters From C. Everett Koop
In 1986 I was a 4th grader attending John F. Kennedy Elementary School in Blackstone MA. Our teacher had assigned us the task of writing a letter to any member of the U.S. government. Most kids wrote to President Reagan, but I wrote my letter to Surgeon General C. Everett Koop. In response to my only letter I received a letter from the Surgeon General at least twice a month for the next 21 years. I have decided to publish the one sided correspondence in a segment I call:
PENPAL LETTERS FROM C. EVERETT KOOP
February 14th, 1987
Dear Jeremy,
Let me give ya some words to live by buddy; Valentines Day is a load of horseshit. Fuckin' female Christmas is what they should call it. Some people call it a Hallmark holiday, but I call those people a bunch of fuckin' queers. Call it like it is, Female Christmas!!
Take my old lady for example. Every year I gotta stand in line like some fuckin' idiot to shell out 60 clams to get some fruit to give me 12 flowers.Highway friggin robbery at it's finest.
This morning I get up and I tell myself 'C'mon Koop let's get this shit over with'. So I'm hung over like a motherfucker, it's about 9 o'clock or so, and I'm standing in line behind a bunch of amateurs who can't get their shit together. Let me tell you I just about blew my top. 'Cmon fella order your damn flowers I gotta be at the track by 10' I says to this one punk. Don't you know that son of a bitch had the balls to tell me to cool it. Said he needed get everything perfect.So I said 'well what the hell's there to get?! You want her to kiss you on the cheek you give her some carnations, you want her to make you're toes curl you buy some roses. Now get the hell outta my goddamn way.'
I tell ya Jeremy, any other day I woulda dropped him with a swift punch to the gut and left him lying in a mixture of his own vomit and tears... but not today. The Koop doesn't get violent on Valentine's day,it's just not the Valentine's way. I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic after all.
You know it actually turned out to be a good day after all. Mrs. Koop is happy with the days turn out, so I guess if she's happy, I'm happy. We're here now at our favorite restaurant, Angelo's. The Mrs. is enjoying her dessert at the table and I'm sitting here at the bar polishing off a Rolling Rock.
Hey I wrote you a Valentine's poem, check it out...
J is for the joy that he brings me
E is for the envelopes I use for his letters
R is for the Rude Dog t-shirt I sent him for Christmas
E is for eighteen; the legal drinking age in Canada (9 more years buddy- we're fucking going)
M is for MTV... I want my MTV (ya see buddy, the Koops "with it")
Y is for your my best pal in the whole world, Jeremy. Don't go changing.
Happy Valentines Day Buddy,
Your Pal,
Cool Everett Koop
