My housekeeper don't come by no more

By Angelo


It's been lonely here lately. The only interaction with people since I retired from GM is when my housekeeper comes over once a month.She only needs to clean my kitchen and living room, since I shut down the power to the bathroom, and the guest room's completely off limits because the treadmill already knows too much. I don't let her in my bedroom either. It's too personal for me. And I feel like I would be betraying my ex-wives if I let her in there and she touched my bed or something. So, she charges me $500 a cleaning for the 2 rooms. I figure it's not that bad. With the hassle of getting the cleaning supplies, gas, and just the inconvenience of it all, I'd say it's around the same amount. She got upset at me the other day because I left the toast in the toaster oven for a week and it got moldy. I put it in the toaster oven but then got distracted because I heard crashing outside and I looked through my blinds and it was the trash man who had dropped a bottle I put in the can. It was a bottle of Yoohoo that broke. So, I went outside and cleaned it up so no drivers would swerve to avoid driving over it, crash, and then sue me. So, when I went back in the house , I forgot to turn on the toaster oven. When she got upset with me, I tried to apologize. It didn't end up well. She seemed pretty upset. I like to keep my eye on her when she is there because she might take something or trip and get hurt. So, I stay in the living room while she cleans the kitchen and when she cleans the living room, I stay in the kitchen. But I always end up dirtying the room I am watching her from, so she has to clean it again. She got confused last time and I was in the kitchen when she had to clean the kitchen and I couldn't remember if she had cleaned it the third time or not, so I told her she could go home. She told me it wasn't worth her time and sanity to do this any more even if she gets more working for me than if she whores herself out. So, she left. I don't think she was prostituting in my house but now I am concerned. I always watched her the whole time, but what if there was a sting operation going on. Maybe they think we were having intimate relations in the kitchen or living room. So, in case she left any fingerprints, I hired a Mold Remediation crew to disinfect my kitchen and living room. They told me to leave for a few weeks to let the chemicals dissipate but I have nowhere to go. I have been in my bedroom for a few weeks now. Theres not much to do in here so I've been reading a Readers Digest I found under my bed over and over, and I've had to pee for 3 days. I tried leaving the bedroom to get some coffee but my eyes started burning and I had a rash on my face in less than 30 seconds. It's been a while since I been out of the house. But that's ok. It's just too bad my housekeeper don't come by no more.

I don't want any trouble from the cable company‏

By Angelo

There's been a lot of cable trucks driving by my townhouse lately. At first I was only slightly concearned by this, seeing as how I didn't have cable. When I received a flyer from Cox Cable telling me that stealing cable is a federal offense carrying penalties of 1 year in prison and up to $10, 000.00 in fines, I realized I better not take any chances. I decided to contact Cox cable and let them know that I got their message loud and clear. However since I don't use the telephone, I had to walk to the local service office which was 6 miles away. By the time I arrived I decided it would probably be for the best for all of us if I just went ahead and order the cable. That way at least I'll have a paper trail showing that I've complied. The man at the counter offered to set me up with a deluxe digital package which included every movie channel offered by Cox, plus a DVR to record television shows on my own schedule. I said it didn't really matter because I won't be turning my television on anyway. If they can tap an ordinary telephone line, who knows what they're capable of with a fiber optic cable. Then he told me I'd have to let an installer into the house to hook up the cable, and I got really uncomfortable. I says to him "look, just send me the bill and I'll pay it" but he wouldn't go for it. Finally I just told him "l guess theres nothing I can do, if I gotta get the cable then I gotta get the cable.". The man at the counter said "you don't HAVE to get cable" to me. I said "yeah right Buddy, do I look like I was born yesterday?"...well I didn't really say that. But I thought it.

So the following Tuesday a guy named Tony came to my townhouse to install the cable. He told me he needed to get into my spare bedroom to run the cable to the utility pole out front.I wasn't cool with that at all, but he wouldn't listen when I told him he "could if he really had to, but I'd really prefer that he didn't".I heard some voices while he was in there, and I know he was talking to my treadmill.By that time I had locked myself in the bathroom and barracaded the door with a hamper. I asked him politely not to talk to the treadmill, but he made up a lie about trying to reach his dispatcher on his Nextel. I watched him like a hawk the whole time he was outside from the side of my bathroom window. I'm pretty sure he hooked up a camera on the utility pole outside but I wasn't gonna say anything to him about it. Once he left, I unplugged the television and draped a thick quilt over it after turning it completely around. Now I gotta pay $114.92 every month for the Cox digital deluxe cable plus DVR package and I can't even watch my television anymore.It's too bad because I used to like to watch the ballgame when it was on. But it's all for the best. I just don't want any trouble from the cable company.