I'm Proud of My Name Damnit!! by Pablo Bukake

Cruel memories. I gotta head full of 'em. My name is Pablo Bukake; I'm the guy who was singled out by my peers, starting from the first roll call in junior high.

"Oh man, Fuckin kids name's Bukake. It's too Classic"....That was the teacher.

Throughout the years, the bullying, the taunting, the "jokes" (if you would care to calll them that), they clung to me relentlessly. And sure, sometimes I would blow my top, but for the most part I kept my cool. I was too good to let it get to me. And when it was all bottling up inside me, my father would always humble me out.

"Quit acting like a jerk-off and start acting like a Bukake." He would always say.

He was a stern man, and he had a point. Life's tough. A lot of people in this world got problems. So what if my name would be a magnet for jokes. Jokes I could handle. But a broken heart?

"Look Pablo, you're a great guy, and we've had a good run, but you have to understand...I can't be Mrs Bukake. I'm sorry Pablo, I just can't. I have to go."
"WAIT LINDA WAIT!"...but it was too late.

The love of my life was gone because I'm a Bukake. There was nothing I could do about it...I'll always be a Bukake.

So, after a lot of soul searching it was time for me to take action. I needed to empower myself. No longer would I lower my head to my own name. From now on, when someone yelled out Buakake, I would hold my face high and smile. I decided to research my ancestry and get to the roots of my lineage, and after paying $7,000.00 to the offices of David Greene, former detective, and now a renound genioligist, I knew I would get the answers I was seeking.

Greene was a real bulldog, and was famous for tracing African Americans back to the familie's who enslaved their ancestors. He was known for coming up with hard evidence to be used in court, so his clients could sue for repirations, and I was thrilled that he took my case.

Gleeful aspirations rolled through my head as I drove to his office for the results. I imagined the possibilities of my forefathers past, and began envisioning brave explorers conquering Europe and all of Asia. I pictured stunning ladies men charming gorgeous women throughout the mediterranian. War heroes, astronauts, pulitzer prize winners, oh the endless possibilities. Even the name Bukake, where did it come from, what does it mean?

"It's Japanese." Greene told me in a somber tone as he poured himself a Gin and tonic." Japanese for...at the center of a circle jerk"
"You're Kidding."
"I'm afraid not, Pablo."
"So then I'm Japanese?"
"No, you're British and Portugese. Let me explain."Greene walked to a chart of my family tree.
"You're the son of Robert Bukake and Olga Columbo of Asbury Park, NJ. Now if you trace your mother's heritage, first you see that the Columbo's first came to this country straight from Lisbon in 1954 and resided in Asbury park for the last several decades. Your grandmother's maiden name is Olivera, and she married your grandfather Joesph."
"Joseph?"
"Yes, Joseph....are you telling me you didn't know you're grandfather's name? You grew up in his house. Nevermind, it's not important. Let's get to your fathers side of the family." he pulled out a manilla envelope, put on his reading glasses and flipped through a pile of news clippings, photographs and official documents."I'm going to cut to the chase Bukake, your great grandfather, Allister Buchanan, was a royal asshole."
"Excuse me?"
"Sorry to put it so bluntly, but he really was an asshole."
"No no, the other part. Buchanan."
"Right. His name was Allister Buchanan. He was from London, trained at the Royal Shakespeare Theatre. He came to the United States on June 12th, 1906 with the dreams of becoming a successful actor. In fact, he pretty much thought he was the second coming of Shakespeare. He arrived at Ellis Island dressed in a purple leotard with enormous ruffles around the collar, here take a look at this photo. Now, according to Ellis Island records, when he arrived in New York he was already detained for instigating fights with fellow passengers, as well as the crew. He must have really pissed someone off at Ellis Island, because by June 13th, he was officially Allister Bukake. This new last name pretty much drove his acting career into the ground. His career in show business led him to Atlantic City, where he worked as a janitor in a vaudeville theatre for the next 40 years. In 1933 he was forced into a shotgun wedding with your great grandmother, Rita 'Honey-Pie' Hayes, former Atlantic City prostitute, and the rest is here in the file."
I wasn't ready to hear all that. I simply couldn't believe it.
"So then...I come from a long line of BADASSES... WOW!!!" I screamed as I jumped from my seat.
"Whatever works for you kid. Lets wrap this up. I gotta pick my stepdaughter up from pre-school."
Greene pulled a Xanax from his pocket and washed it down with the last of his gin and tonic. Man was I glad I hired this guy.

I walked to the parking lot and now had a whole new outlook on life. The name Bukake wasn't a curse, it was a scar...and chicks dig scars.

"My name is Pablo Bukake, and I'm Okay." I declared, throwing my right fist into the air, as I was walked off into the sunset.