Crass Cuisine: Hot Platin' with Jamie Anne

"Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of Crass Cuisine: Hot Platin' with Jamie Anne, I'm Jamie Anne and today we're gonna be cooking some tequila lime chicken with a side of rice and beans."

Camera pans back to reveal the show takes place in a tiny 3rd floor studio apartment with a hot plate propped up on an ironing board.

"Now I know what your thinking, 'I thought this crazy bitch was gonna make chicken cacciatore today',well we can't fuckin do that without no crockpot. And thanks to that prick Benny down at the Miller Time Pub, not only do I got another warrant, but I'm down a fuckin crockpot."

Jamie Anne throws 2 chicken breasts on the hot plate, lights a cigarette, and begins pouring Aristrocrat Tequilla on the hot plate, while blocking cigarette smoke from her left eye by closing it.

"That's the stuff."

She stops the flow of tequilla on the hot plate by pulling the bottle up to her lips and taking a pull. She gets a liter of Aristrocrat Vodka from the cabinet and grabs 2 oranges and a knife.

"I just thought of an idea for a better side, fuck the rice and beans, takes too long and we only got a half hour you know what I'm saying." she says as she cuts the oranges in half. "what we're gonna do here is make a pulpy screwdriver. These go over fuckin primo at dinner parties, or just a backyard get together, or fuckin A', I used to just make these as an after school snack when I was a kid. Real easy, cut your oranges in half, and then you take your knife there, and and cut one,two, three, good slices into these babies. You just pour some vodka into the slots and let 'em soak in there for a minute or so, and just cut 'em in half again.Now, I flip my chicken and I'm gonna add my seasoning, cause remember my rule to live by when cooking internationally, the chinks get the soya and the spicks get the goya.Now, ...oh shit... I forgot to pick up some peppers at the market."

Jamie Anne walks over and opens the window and leans out of it.

"Hey Ronnie...Ronnie...you gotta give me a lift to the market, I'm taping my show and I need a fucking pepper" long pause " Ronnie" long pause "Alright I'll be right down".

She picks up one of the orange quarters and sucks the pulp dry. She puts the the other quarters into her purse and looks to the camera man for assistance.

"hey go into the pockets of those jeans on the futon and see if I got any cash in there...I don't...can you spot me a fin for a pepper...right on, c'mon we gotta go out this way" she says as she climbs onto the fire escape.

"If you ever lose your keys, and you need to duck your landlord 'til you get caught up on the rent, a fire escape is a girls best friend. Hand me the fuckin camera before you fall down and drop it Einstein"

Jamie Anne grabs the camera and makes her way down the fire escape, the whole time the camera is pointed at the ground showing her bare feet walking down the stairs and the ladder at the end, and finally the camera is placed on ground as she runs over to Ronnie. She gives him a kiss and walks over to his Fiero and holds the passenger door for the camera man who climbs into the backseat.

"Boy do you know when to catch me" Ronnie says as he raises his arm and holds it still. He has a small line of cocaine on his fist. Jamie Anne leans over and snorts it.

"Hot Damn, this is turning out to be a good show" Jamie Anne says " Pulpy Screwdriver?" she hands one of the orange quarters to Ronnie and they both suck the juices out of their orange."I got my probation officer all pissed off because I skipped my last meeting, fuck that, you know what I mean, I got a new warrant. I aint fuckin stupid. And my fuckin producer's all pissed at me about the FCC. It's like I keep tellin him, just tell 'em to fuck off, but he don't want to listen... Oh fuck a duck, pull into Miller Times I'm gonna get my fuckin crockpot back."

The car pulls in front of the building and Jamie Anne leaps out leaving the passenger side door open. The camera man struggles to get out of the backseat of the fiero while holding the camera. Once he does he takes a shot of the outside of the Miller Time Pub, a tiny dive bar with a Miller High life neon in the window. As he approaches the door the sound of Jamie Anne's shouting at Benny the bartender is drowning out the George Thorogood on the juke box.

"Bullshit Benny, Bullshit. You never called last call and there I was pumping quarters into the juke box, I put half the Steve Miller Band's greatest hits on and you shut the fuckin thing down on me, treat me like I'm some fuckin asshole when I brought my meatballs in the crockpot for you, and then you call the fuckin cops?!?! That's fucked up Benny."

"I know Jamie doll, come on sit down, have a drink on the house. I'm sorry, you know I love you."

"Alright Benny, it is fucked up though man. I got a fuckin warrant on me now, you fucked up things with me and my probey."

"I'm sorry hon. what are you drinking"

"Give me 2 shots of Wild Turkey, and oh how rude of me, one for my camera man here as well, no.. you don't want one,I'll take his." She downs all three shots. "Hey Benny give me a can of Fosters for the road I'm in the middle of a show."

Benny gives her a can of Fosters"Hey Jamie what about your crockpot."

Jamie walks out carrying the large can of Fosters and forgets the crockpot inside. She comes out to see that Ronnie's Fiero is gone."Fuck a duck. Looks like we're hitchin' it from here"

Jamie and the camera man start hitch hiking and within minutes a subaru outback full of teenage boys pulls up and they squeeze in to the car. The camera man is forced to sit in the hatchback.

"Hey lady I'll make a deal with you, you buy us some beer and I'll give you a ride to wherever you need" the driver says.

"Give me a ride and a pack of butts and I'll buy you guys beer"

"How about I'll give you a ride and I'll smoke this joint with you?"

"How about you give me the ride, smoke the joint, and buy me the butts or you aint gettin no fuckin beer. now pull up to that vegetable stand"

The car pulls over, Jamie Anne leaps out and grabs a pepper and starts arguing with the lady holding cash box, when suddenly Ronnie's Fiero pulls back up. Jamie jumps in without paying for the pepper, leaving the camera man in the hatch back with the teenage kids, when suddenly the camera man feels his cell phone vibrate. He answers to find Jamie Anne calling from Ronnie's cell phone, and she asks him to hold his cell phone up to the camera.

"Thats all we have for today, join me next time on Crass Cuisine, hot platin with Jamie Anne, when I'll be making chicken cacciatore."