the 3 things you need to know to get into heaven

In a celestial environment where the color of pure white surrounds you, embraces you, empowers you, and enlightens you, we see St. Peter, the keeper of the glorious golden gate to heaven. He sits modestly at his well finished oak desk which holds only an enormous book with gold leaf pages upon it's edges. He writes using a simple quill feather which he dips into a bottle of black ink.

Before him stands a line of the freshly departed who now stand to await their eternal fate. Some feel the loss of the live they have just been relieved of. Others feel grateful at the thought of meeting their heavenly father. But all feel the burdon of the judgement they face from St. Peter.

Sometimes the line can be thousands long, but on this particular date, it is short, and it is moving quickly. George Russo and his wife Brenda stand last in the line, and are quite pleased to hear word coming from the front that there are only 3 questions to answer to get by St. Peter.

"Oh George, can you believe it? We're really going to heaven." decalared Brenda

"I know it Brenda, isn't it just wonderful?." exclaims George

"Look George theres a woman coming to join us in the line."

"Wait til we tell her she only has to answer 3 questions and she'll soon be in Heaven.She'll be delighted."

Cheryl Kudlacik comes walking up behind George and Brenda. She is wearing dark, oversized sunglasses, and is carrying an extra large Dunkin Donuts iced coffee. Cheryl is greeted warmly by George and Brenda.

"Well hello new friend. Welcome to the line to heaven. I'm Brenda and this is my husband George"

"Oh you gotta be fuckin' kidding me."

"Excuse me?"

"Did my son-in law put you up to this? He did, didn't he?! That MOTHA-FUCKA. He's a fuckin sick bastard man, seriously he's fuckin nuts!! I don't know how he comes up with this shit but this one was fuckin good!!"she states while speaking through a chuckle.

"No I'm afraid my wife is telling you the truth. We've all passed on. And now we're waiting to meet with St. Peter who will decide our fate. But don't worry,we're told he is only asking 3 questions of all of us, and then we can pass."

The line continues moving, and the anticipation grows among those who wait for their meeting with destiny. A beuatiful angel with flowing blonde hair dressed in a pure white gown begins making her way through the line, greeting and comforting everyone.

"Hello Cheryl. Welcome to the gates of heaven. It won't be much longer, and you should be inside in no time at all. But in the meantime is there anything I can get you to make your wait more comfortable."

"Yeah how 'bout a lawn chair."

"Umm, I don't know if we have any lawn chairs out here. Let me check on that."

"Well can I at least SMOKE?!?!"

"Of course you can smoke silly. This is Heaven, not America. Newport box right?"

The angel makes a pack of Newport box appear into thin air, and a fresh cigarette appears between Cheryl's lips and lights itself up.

"Oh you are good!! I mean you are really fucking good!! Wait I tell my sister Debbie about this. Well I can't really. I'll have to send her a sign. Maybe I'll light make her Virginia Slims light on their own while she's watching CSI on the fuckin couch. Ha Ha, oh man. Hey can you hit my brother with a lightning bolt? Actually don't do that, I finally got the fuck away from the mothafucker. Make sure he's not at my funeral!!"

"I'm sorry Cheryl, we angels can't control what people do while they're still on Earth."

"George Russo" Calls out St. Peter in a stern voice. Cheryl now realizes she is nearing the front of the line, as Brenda looks back and gives her a smile.

"Yes St. Peter, I am ready."says George as he approaches the desk.

"Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. Look heres the drill. 3 questions. Answer 'em right your in. Answer 'em wrong I gotta give ya the 86." St. Peter looks up at George and motions his thumb over his shoulder to stress that he has to 86 the poor souls who answer incorrectly.

"Question 1. What did you do to help your fellow mankind?"

"Well I served in the Piece Corps for 8 years, and I helped a village in Southeast Asia create a sustainable source of drinking water. It was quite effective actually."

"Question 2. How were you able to treat others the way you wanted to be treated?"

"Well for starters I always gave everyone I met to a gracious smile and a how do you do."

"Alrighty. Question 3. Who sang Green Eyed Lady?"

"Umm. I'm sorry?"

"Green Eyed Lady. Who sang it"

"I don't want to come across the wrong way, but what does that have to do with anything?"

St. Peter looks into the large book and puts on his reading glasses.

"Mr. Russo, I'm showing that you have heard the song Green Eyed Lady over 19,000 times in your lifetime. Now God did give you a brain which was capable of paying attention to the world around you and appreciating all the glorious creations of your fellow man, one of which being the song Green Eyed Lady. Now I'll ask you one more time....who sang the song?"

"Ahh..Ahhh.."

"I need an answer."

"Supertramp" George blurted out incorrectly, and the ground beneath opened up and swallowed him swiftly and whole.

"Brenda Russo." ordered St. Peter, calm as ever.

"Oh my God! George! What happened to him" she cries out hysterically through her tears.

"Don't worry Mrs. Russo, he got 2 out of 3 which means he only got 900 years in Purgatory. He'll be fine. Now I'm sure you know the drill 3 questions, bada-bing bada-boom and we're done. Question 1. What did you do to help your fellow mankind?"

still hysterical Brenda attempts to pull herself together" Well, well I don't know...I was in the peace corps with George."

"Whatever... the Peace Corps. Like I haven't been hearing that all day. Question 2. How were you able to treat others the way you fealt you wanted to be treated?"

"I was a very curteous person. I had good manners, always, I swear."

"Right-O and who sang Green Eyed Lady?"

"I...I...I don't know"

"Need an answer."

"The...The...The Commodores."

The ground opened up and Mrs Russo was quickly on her way to join Mr. Russo.

"Cheryl Kudlacik"

Cheryl steps up to the desk and puts her cigarette butt out on the floor.

"Alright St. Peter lets go. I want in that fuckin gate,"

"OK Cheryl. Question 1. What did you do to help your fellow mankind"

"Well I worked with the elderly and I feel I always took the extra step for them."

"Good. Good. Question 2. How were you able to treat others the way you wanted to be treated?"

"I feel I was a very generous person."

"That's great. And who sang Green Eyed Lady?"

"Well I know it wasn't the fuckin Commodores."

"Good answer. I like your spunk. I tell you what. I'm gonna send you back. And when you get there I want you to take some enjoyment in the creative work of others because it's an importact part of life. And the next time I see you, you damnwell better know who sang Green Eyed Lady. Or I'll 86 ya."

St. Peter snapped his fingers and Cheryl found herself laid out on the floor of a Dunkin Donuts in Warwick RI surrounded by EMT's. The song Green Eyed Lady was playing softly on the radio. She began responding and the crowd hovering around her applauded.

Over the next few months Cheryl took a deeper appreciation in life than she ever had before. She spent a lot of time listening to music, and she was generally grateful for not only her life but of the lives of her loved ones.

Shortly after that her son in law became gravely ill. He very quickly found himself in a hospital bed sharing his final moments surrounded by his closest friends and family. He was looking around and just as he noticed his mother in law had not arrived, she burst throught the door and ran to his side.

"Bill theres something very important you need to know!!" She said to him. "Listen to me Bill. Sugarloaf sang Green Eyed Lady. Did you hear me? Bill, Sugarloaf sang Green Eyed Lady."

Bills gathering of loved ones looked confused and bewildered. Bill took off his oxygen mask and motioned Cheryl to come closer so he could speak to her, and with his final breath he said to her;

"What the fuck is wrong with you."