E-Harmony.com's Bitch

As I walked through the hallway of the multi-unit apartment building I live in, I couldn't figure out why I was in such a good mood. It could've been the 12 inch hoagie under my arm or the bag of Cheeto's I was munching on, but really I think it was that I'd been waiting all day to come home and kick my roommate Andy's ass at some old school Tekken on my PS1 that I dusted off last weekend. Last night we were up until 6 AM and I kept using the same combo, and let me tell you I WOOPED HIS ASS...BAD!!! He didn't win a single fight. He actually started tearing up just before he stormed off to bed. It was sooo funny. Plus he uses the girl character so I called him Candy all night.

So today at work, it was a little hard for me to pay attention to my spreadsheets considering I was too busy laughing my balls off. I sent a few instant messenges to the people in his department telling them that he was crying over a 9 hour Tekken beatdown. He got so pissed off that people were ripping on him and calling him Candy, that he actually screamed at his boss and got sent home with a written warning. Yo, that is some money shit right there. So naturally I was looking forward to an awesome night. I was definately gonna make him cry again. I could just feel it.

As I got close to our unit I could hear the TV cranking from the hallway. I recognized what Andy was watching. It was an E-Harmony.com commercial. I could hear that annoying-ass song.."This could be - an ever lasting love.". You know the song. LAME. Everytime I see that old guy in the commercial, and all those pussy-ass couples that just love talking to each other I just wanta bitch slap somebody. Mostly that old dude in the commercial. If I ever see that guy I'm gonna give him a DDT. Jake the Snake style.

When I walked in the door, Andy was sitting on the couch and he looked pretty T.O.'d. My Playstation was unhooked and packed back up in the cardboard box it was in. From the look on his face I realized I may have gone too far. I was gonna have to try and make it up to him.

"Cheeto?" I asked, shoving the half eaten bag under his nose. He didn't respond, he just stared at the tv with an angry look on his face. Oh well, I thought to myself, I tried my best.

"Alright Candy, hookup the Playstation and put your lipstick back on."

"I'm watching this."

"Your watching Fraser?! I don't think so. C'mon pussy hookup the playstation."

"I told you I'm watching this!"

"Well I aint watching Fraser so stop being a be-yatch and hookup the playstation. And get me a PBR while your up."

"Fine! Take the TV then!" Andy yelled, his voice giving way to a wimper as he stormed into his bedroom.

I was on my own it seemed. I sat back, ate my hoagie, threw back a few PBR's, and watched a couple of episodes of Fraser. It got boring quick. I wanted to get my Tekken on.

"Andy" I yelled as I walked to his room.

"Go away" he replied

I walked into his room. He was sitting at his desk logged into his laptop. He immediately lowered the monitor which made me suspect he was looking at porn. I decided not to say anything, since he was being so sensitive. I just wanted him to come hang out.

"Come on Andy, lets play Tekken."

"I don't want to."

"Andy...give the goddamn porn a rest and lets play some Tekken."
By this point I was tired of being a nice guy about the whole thing, and my patience was wearing thin. So I walked over and lift up his monitor, and sure enough, he's registering for E-harmony.com. I just had to laugh when I saw that.

"Ha-Ha-Ha. You ladies man you."

"Hey at least I'm trying to get a girl.Unlike you. You'll never get a girlfriend."

"Yeah right. I gotta beat the ho's off with a stick. Happy wife shopping Be-Yatch." I turned around and left, closing the door behind me as I sang "This could be - an everlasting love."

So I didn't make him cry. It still turned out to be an awesome night.

That Saturday night I came home from the Gamestop with the new Spiderman game and a fresh sixer of PBR as Andy was getting ready for his hot date. He was standing in the mirror sweating bullets, checking his hair. I couldn't wait to see what kind of beast was gonna walk through the door. I cracked a fresh PBR, opened a snackpack of cheeto's and waited for the show to start.

There was a knock on the door and Andy ran to open it.

"Andy? Hi. It's great to finally meet you."

"Hey April. come on in.This is my roommate."

"Cheeto?"I offered.

"No thanks."

"Your loss." I said. And I meant it too. To my surprise, she wasn't half bad. I mean she wasn't hot, but I'd do her.

"So what's the plan" April asked.

"Well I figured we could go out to dinner. The limo should be here any minute." Andy replied.

"Yo, you hired a limo? You still owe me six bucks!" I was pissed.Little did I know at the time that was only the beginning of me getting pissed at Andy and this girl.

Within a week she moved in, quit her job and started ruling Andy with an iron-whip which was directly attacched to her hoo-ha. She was of no use to me because she didn't hang out with any other chicks. In fact, she always had a bunch of dudes hanging out at the apartment. And at least one of them would always try to hit me up for a PBR. But I'd say fuck that. You're lucky I let you get your ass kicked at Tekken by me.

This chick had to go. The problem was there was no reasoning with Andy about it.It was gonna be up to me...me and my old pal Pepe Lopez. We were going to have to make Andy see the light. And as much as I thought paying $8.99 for a gallon of tequilla was highway robbery, I saw it as an investment. So I picked up a gallon of Pepe and brought it home on the 3rd Friday that she lived there.

Sure enough, I walk into my apartment, Aprils partying with like 19 dudes, and theres no sign of Andy. It turns out she sent him to CVS to buy her some makeup.So I slap the tequilla on the kitchen table and break out the collectable shot-glasses from all the mad travelling i've done. (Atlantic City, Asbury Park, Jersey City, etc.)

Within minutes, April and her gang of freeloading Gerardo's start doing shots and we have a full blown party on our hands in no time. I throw some old school House of Pain into my CD player and keep 'Jump Around' on repeat just to heat things up. By the time Andy came back with April's makeup, things were getting pretty wild. Me and this dude named PJ were rockin' out to Jump Around, as April was now topless and dancing on the table.

"Dude what the fuck." Andy yelled at me.

"Hey don't look at me, they're not my friends" I responded. I then turned around and gave PJ a chestbounce and we started rappin in each others face.

"I came to get down, I came to get down, so get out your seat and jump around."

So Andy walks over to the table that April was on and timidly asks her to get down, which of course only set her off, and she told him to fuck off.So then Andy disapeared into his room and came back out with a can of mace (April's mace actually). With tears in his eyes he opened the door and announced to everyone to get out cause he's calling the cops. As the crowd cleared out throughout a frenzy of insults and slurs directed to Andy's manhood, I was quite pleased to see that April was joining them. I knew I only had a short window to seal the deal, so I ran into Andy's bedroom and gathered up her shit and began throwing it off the balcony. As Andy sat in the corner crying with his head in his hands, I threw back a few more shots of Pepe and I threw all of her belongings over the balcony. (everything except her religious picture with the footprints story on it...SCORE!!)

So April was out, Andy was in his room crying and I had my place back the way I liked it. After all the dust settled and the excitement was over I decided to send Andy on a late night Taco Bell run. I walked into his room and sure enough he was logged into his laptop, and immediately he lowered the monitor.

"Please tell me your looking at porn." I pleaded as I walked over and raised the monitor. But of course he was back on E-harmony.com. "Yo, this is whack" I told him. "If your going back on that shit I'm telling you right now, you can't let anyone else move in here. If you start going out with some bee-yach and you want to live with her thats fine, but you need to move into her place."

9 days later Andy moved in with his new girlfriend Lakeisha.

Besides the occassional email, I had lost all contact with Andy for nearly 2 years. Then one day as I walked into Bills Liquors to get a sixer of PBR a small Asian kid ran head first into my thigh. I looked around to find at least 4 other kids of all different ethnic backgrounds running up and down the aisles, knocking over the occassional bottle of wine. As I made my way to the beer cooler to grab some PBR I heard a familiarly nervous voice attempting poorly to discipline the children.

"Andy!!" I yelled out. And there he was behind the counter. " Why are you working here? Did you get fired from U-teck?"

"No I still got that job but they wouldn't let me work more than 50 hours a week so I'm doing 20 hours a week here on the side. You know how it is when you got mouths to feed."

"Yo,you got kids now?"

"technically no. But my 3 ex-wives have kids, excuse me - hey Rodrigo put down that Rum. So yeah, I agreed to pay child support and take them on weekends in the pre-nups."

"So let me get this straight. You had them sign pre-nups but you still got screwed?"

"No they made me sign pre-nups. But when I get married next spring I told Amber no way am I signing a pre-nup. $4.68 for the Pabst Chief."

I paid Andy for the PBR and left. And as I walked out the door, I felt truly grateful to be me. In fact I wouldn't trade places with anybody. I took a deep breath of fresh air in, and looked forward to a night with my true love...me,myself, and I.

As I walked to the car I began singing to myself "This could be- an everlasting love."