Dogfight of the Century: McGruff the Crime Dog vs. Michael Vick

"This is going to be one for the ages. An all out fight to the death between Michael Vick and McGruff the Crime Dog. Ironically, this one is held in a cage, so there's little chance of escape. Let's take a look at what led to this and what transpired as a result"

Back in August after Vick plead guilty, McGruff came out and challenged Michael. Here's the press conference that took place at McGruff's doghouse in upstate NY.

"On behalf of all canines and animals, I just want to say what a disgrace this man is. I feel that prison time is not enough. So, since I'm in the Criminal business, I have pulled some strings. I have spoken with Judge Henry Hudson of the Richmond court and Roger Goodell, commissioner of the NFL. We have agreed that if Michael and I fight in a death match and he wins, he may go free and be reinstated in the NFL as soon as next season. If I win, well, Michael's dead. I'm here to tell you Michael. Yes, you. That this is your only chance. Through me. But I'm gonna tell you, I'm ready to train and when the match is over, I'll have once again "Taken a Bite Out of Crime"!"

Larry Dongo, ESPN Boxing Commentator: "Unbelievable. After deliberating with his attorneys, the elusive QB chose to take McGruff's challenge. That brings us here tonight. Let's go to Johnny Prenana, our Boxing Analyst. Johnny, what do you think about tonite?

"Well, it's hard to say. I have never seen a dog fight a human before in a cage match. Michael's quick and McGruff ain't no puppy. He's 27 years old and in Dog years, that's pretty fucking old. So, I'd have to hand it to Michael."

"Thanks Johnny. Well, Vegas agrees. They have Vick winning with 3 to 1 odds. Let's go to Howard Fink for the announcement.

"Ladies, Gentleman, Bitches, and Bastards. Thank you for coming to Madison Square Garden for the Dogfight of the Century. Let's get ready to ruuuummmbbblllleeeeeee! Coming down the aisle, from Newport News, Virginia, weighing at 190 pounds, the dog killa, Michael Vick!"


Booes drown out the crowd. Bones, biscuits, cellphones, everything is being winged at Vick and his entourage. Don King stands by Michael's side with a big grin on his face as Prodigy's "Smack my Bitch Up" plays over the speakers.

"Wow. This crowd is pumped up. Wait a minute. Section 300 is howling and barking. I've never seen so many dogs."

"Yes, Larry. I think the final count was about 10,000 canines here tonight. Some with their owners, some without."

"Unbelievable. Let's here McGruff's intro"

"Now approaching the ring. From Syracuse, New York. The Crimedog himself. Weighing in at 80 pounds, it;'s MGrfffffff, the CRiiimmmeee Dog!"

"The crowd is giving him a standing ovation. Wow, he looks good coming down in his standard Trenchcoat."

McGruff gets near the ring, takes off his trenchcoat and hands it to his manager Brian Griffin.

The referee gets them in the middle of the ring. McGruff is on all fours. Vick towers over him.

"Ok guys, no gloves in this match. Not sure where you can hit and can't hit. And there's no rounds, so I really have no purpose here. Just shake hands and paws and let's get it on!"

Vick puts out his hand. McGruff spins and leg sweeps him, bringing him to the ground.

The crowd cheers!

"Wow. McGruff means business. The bell has sounded. Here we go!"

"Michael is jabbing at him, trying to measure him. He's got the reach advantage. McGruff is taking some hard shots and just growling. Ohhh.Vick caught him with a right!"

Vick starts talking smack to McGruff, "That's right old dog. Can't teach an old dog new tricks. When I'm done with you, I'm taking your dead corpse to the rape stand, bitch.

McGruff sprints past Vick and bounces off the ropes and leaps into the air with a cross body check on Vick. Vick goes down and McGruff is tearing up his leg.

"Ahhhhh! Ahhhh!" Vick is yelling in pain.

"Wow Vick is really screaming in their. Oh my god. McGruff isn't!??"

McGruff walks around the ring pumping up the crowd and then goes up to Vick's head.

He lifts his hind leg up and urinates on Vick's face. The crowd is eating it up. The song, "Who Let the Dogs Out" explodes and the crowd responds with "Ruff! Ruff! Ru-ruff!"

Vick is unable to walk and blood is spewing out of his Achilles heel.

McGruff starts doing Hulk Hogan impressions and walks up to Vick. "You'll never play again Number 7.Ok, enough is enough. The viewers got their 49.95 worth. McGruff climbs on the top rope and jumps off and nails Vick with a flying elbow. McGruff walks around the ring showboating some more.

"McGruff better hurry and finish him off!"

McGruff trots over and lunges for Vick's neck, but Vick moves out of the way and reverses it and bites him back. Vick has his jaw clenched on McGruff.

"Oh my, the tide has turned!!!!"

McGruff is yelping in pain. Vick wiggles McGruff around with his teeth and finishes him off. McGruff is lifeless in the middle of the ring.

The crowd is silent.

Vick crawls on all fours since he can no longer walk. He's got a sick look in his eye like he really has become a dog. He crawls out of the cage and starts barking at everyone. The dogs in the crowd start barking back and after a 5 minute barking standoff, the dogs stampede down the aisles toward Vick. Vick fights them off growling and biting, but he is overwhelmed. The 10,000 dogs all pile on him and rip him to shreds.

Johnny Prenana screams, "This place is complete chaos! Larry let's get the hell out of here!!!"


Larry Dongo casually gets up with his cordless mic and is looking into the camera. Meanwhile, bodies are flying everywhere behind him. "There you have it ladies and gentlemen. Vick has defeated the Crime Dog, but has not defeated his demons. He has become possessed you might say. Well, there you have it. What a mess. The Janitors are going to be working late tonite."

The crowd scurries out of the stadium as vicious dogs rampage the place. It all empties out into the streets of New York. 10,000 dogs on the loose and cops trying to spray them with pepper spray. It's no match. The dogs have taken over.

"Well, irony strikes again. Man's best friend has become man's worst enemy and turned on every man, woman, and child. It looks like a dog's best friend is well, just another dog. Perhaps, Vick broke the valuable circle of trust between human and his canine companion that existed for so many years.

And from where I am standing, it looks like McGruff's legacy not only took a bite out of crime, but a bite out of the Big Apple. Good night everyone."