The Redneck Afficiando's Netflix Reviews vol. 1

Dear Netflix,

I know it is standard protocol to submit all movie reviews via your website, but I'm afraid I have no choice but to write my review and send it snail mail, as I am currently incarcerated and facing assault, disturbing the peace, carjacking, and DWI charges after watching the 1970's mega-musical "Grease". Grease is the tale of tough guy Danny Zuko (John Travolta) and his romantic involvement with Sandy (Olivia Newton-John), which begins as a harmless Summer fling, but gets increasingly complex as their senior year of high school unfolds. I rented this movie to put an end to my wifes endless nagging which started soon after I got loaded at Double T's and drove our Range Rover through the garage door. And although I don't aprove of high school kids dating, to my surprise I found the clean cut humor was delivered perfectly from this stellar ensemble cast. And the musical score was down right infectious. So much so that my wife and I decided to break out the matching red sweatshirts, fire up the karoake machine, and lock ourselves in the basement to prepare a talent show for our 7,9,and 23 year old children.
Seeing as how Saturday's are family fun day in this household, we decided to debut our new act during the afternoon karoake jam at the Pub 99.And even though we practiced our routine for days, I gotta admit, I was a little overwhelmed with stage fright. My family ordered their meals but I had to prepare myself mentally to get up and sing "Summer Days" in front of what looked like at least 12 people. So while my family split an order of mozzarella sticks, I started off with 6 shots of Jack Daniels.Once I ordered my 2nd round, my wife (Ms. Romantic Comedy lover from Rhode Island), was immediately on my case just because I began yelling at my kids to hurry up and eat so we could go out for Chinese. I told her to shut her hole, 'cause aint no Yankee devil woman gonna tell ME I couldn't have a Mai-Tai'. Just then I noticed my feet were tapping to an upbeat familiar melody being piped through the sound system. I stood on my chair and began to clap my hands and do the boogie woogie as my wife nagged me to sit down. My 23 year old daughter held her face in her hands with a look of embarrassment, which immediately infuriated me. "How dare you ruin family fun day for your brother and sister" I screamed at her. Just then my anger would reach an ALL-TIME-HIGH when I realized the song was "youre the one that I want" from the Grease soundtrack. Here I was waiting in line to steal the show at the Pub 99's karaoke jam with a selection from the movie Grease and someone else was moving in on my territory. When I turned around to see who signed up for a pummelling courtesy of this here good ol' boy, I saw the most shocking and angering site of my life. "Youre the one that I want" was being sang duet style by two males... two homosexual males!!!
"THIS IS A TRAVESTY!" I yelled out. I immediately ran over to the gruesome twosome, picked up a microphone stand and smashed the CD player, causing sparks to fly as the music died. I then ripped both mic's from their hands and announced my moral victory over the sound system. "Grease was meant to be wholesome family entertainment, and I will not stand by and allow it to be made into a 'gay thing" I declared. And as I said 'gay thing' I used my hands to make air quotes. The M.C. yelled that he was calling the police, so I grabbed a butter knife off a table and began poking him in the side. Unfortunately it was not sharp enough to pierce the skin, so I probably gave him a few bruised ribs at best. I then dropped the butterknife on the floor and decided to flee. I ran into the parking lot and ran directly in front of a Chevy Cavalier filled with teenage girls forcing the driver to brake just before hitting me, sending my torsoe sailing onto her windshield. I then jumped off the hood, opened the drivers side door and through the driver onto the asphalt as I took the wheel. I couldn't help but think that the cracks on the windshield I created looked like a large silver spiderweb. And with the combination of screaming teenage passengers, lack of visibility, and 6 shots of J.D., it wasn't long at all until I had lost control of the vehicle. Ironically enough I slammed directly into the side of a Blockbuster video store, and was arrested momentarily after.
All in all, I can't give Grease a full four stars, because I feel that the Bee-Gees disco-esque theme song which played over the opening credits was a departure from the 1950's period piece the filmmakers were shooting for, which in my book was a total sellout on behalf of the producers. So I'm going to give this movie a solid 3 1/2 stars.