I'm Going to See This Email Chain Letter Through

By Donnie Waldron

Mindy, the head cheerleader at Hopeless High is talking with some classmates,

'Today is a blessed day. Send this to ten of your friends and your dreams will come true.'

"That was the email chain letter I forwaded two weeks ago. I sent it to ten friends. Since then, I have been soooo lucky. Like yesterday, the guy charged me 1.59 for my Arizona Iced Tea instead of 1.69. And, then, I got all green lights all the way to work and was 5 minutes early for like the first time in a month. So, I said to my mom that all this great stuff was happening cuz of that chain letter. So, I tracked down all my friends and their friends and their friends' friends just to make sure it was still going. Apparently, it totally has stopped because it got forwarded to this one loser who can't find 10 people to forward it to. I asked him what the deal was and he was asking me all these dumb questions like "Can I send it to people who already got it.?" Che. I mean, don't you know the rules buddy? So, I told him he better forward that thing by the end of today or I am going to go psycho on him."

That loser was Donnie Waldron.

"I've got this email chain letter. My reputation depends on me sending it to 10 people. I could just send it as spam, but that bitch would follow up on me and be like, "Who's that loser?" She's the beauty queen at our high school, so she could pretty much ruin me in one or two periods and then I'd be done for. So, I have decided that for once in my life, I am going to see this thing through. I started trying to talk to people at the mall. It was awkward, cause I am not an outgoing guy. Kind of a loser to be honest. But hey, I tried and got no where. I was going to quit right then, but I remembered the time I quit soccer, the trumpet, Resident Evil III, watching Battlefield Earth, church, clipping my nails, all those things. The only thing I never quit was smoking and masturbating. Anyway, I just started picking up the phone and calling classmates I didn't really normally talk to. Most of them were confused and called me a freak. One girl in my math class I talked to for a while, but when I mentioned the chain letter, she said she already got it. So, I hung up on her, because what more is there to say?"

So, I hit the streets. I took the bus to downtown and started getting in with some homeless people. They were actually pretty cool. At first. I told them that this letter could change their life and I'd help them set up a free email account at the local library. So, me and 9 homeless dudes went to the library together. I set up accounts for them. I wasn't really sure what to put, so I just put homeless_guy1, homeless_guy2, and so on. Their password was all "ripple", so they could remember it. So, I logged in my account and was about to send it to them, when I felt a poke in my back. One of the guys had a knife and told me to login to my online banking account and do a money transfer to his Paypal account. So, I transferred the $251.45 I had saved for the last year cutting lawns to his account. I turned around and asked if I could still send the chain letter and they said, "No. No idiot believes in those stupid things!" and they tossed me down the concrete steps of the library. At the exact same time, Mindy and her friends were driving by in their convertible and saw the whole thing. That dick Juno yelled, "Loser Fag!" and they all started laughing. Mindy yelled out, "You got til 6:00 loser!"

I scraped myself off. Humiliated? Yes. Disappointed? Yes. Injured? A little. But I was going to see this email chain letter through. Who knows? Maybe it was bring me some solace after all.

With it almost being 5, I decided to just access our school's website and get our faculty email addresses. I found 10 of them, 4 which I had classes with, and just forwarded it.

Done. I could go to bed and enjoy my weekend.

After another boring weekend of George Lopez reruns and XBOX games, I felt good about what might come of me. I met Mindy's demands and something good could come out of this. I walked into school happier than I had been in years. But all that changed. Real fast.

As soon as I got through the front door, I walked into a hostile environment. All the jocks, geeks, cheerleaders, and even the retards were lined up against the wall laughing hysterically at me. At the end of the hallway stood Mr. Pickens, the principal. He was waving an angry finger at me. What happened?

I slowly walked down the hall taking insults and paperclips to the head.

I finally got to Mr. Pickens office and he showed me a photograph.

"Do you know what this is umm…Donnie?"

"I'm not sure, but it looks like a woman's vagina."

"Bingo. Now what the heck were you doing forwarding this email to my teachers."

"It was a chain letter that the students were forwarding so I figured for my dreams to come true I could forward it and then all bad things would…"

"Shut up. Chain letter? You kids still believe in those things. Hope I'm dead and buried when you guys get in the workplace..No, this was an email originally to a Dr. Donnie Waldron."

"That's my father, I am Donnie Jr."

"No shit. Really?!!! For a minute there I thought you were a doctor."

"Really, well I appreciate that but.."

"I'm joking you idiot. You really aren't too bright are you?"

I lowered my head and said, "No."

"Well, apparently this is an email to your dad, an OB/GYN, from a patient about a rash. Do you share an email account with your father?"

"Yes, but it's only temporary until he gets his computer setup at his new apartment. With the divorce and all I guess I was.."

"Stupid? Careless? Careless and Stupid?"

I lowered my head and said, "Yes."

"Well, do you know whose vagina that is?"

"No. I guess from a lady. A black lady?"

"Well, you're getting smarter by the minute their Donnie. That vagina is Mrs. Robertson. You know, you're math teacher."

"Oh no."

His eyes got big like that bad guy golfer from Happy Gilmore. "Oh yes Donnie. Oh yes."

He got right in my face with a devilish grin. "No, I want you to get up and get out of here and don't come back for 2 weeks. You're suspended."

I walked out of his office and everyone was laughing including him. I felt horrible. I took another long walk down the hall. As I neared the door, I looked up at Mindy.

She shook her head, "All you had to do was forward it loser. You ruined it for everyone."

I said, "I sure did. But that bitch will never give me a D in her class again-that nasty, skanky, gonorreah-ridden slut. Oh, and if I were you I wouldn't continue sleeping with that 23-year old PE teacher either. Cause he tagged that skank months ago and just found out he's got that shit too, which of course means, so do you. Happy Web-MDing you bitch."

Chain letters do work after all. With two weeks of vacation, I can finally finish Resident Evil III and forget about hanging myself.