I don't want to drive my new car no more

By Angelo



I went to the dealership to buy a new car. I have a 2005 Volvo station wagon. It had 2,369 miles on it when I went to the Chevy dealership. I am a GM employee, so I figured I could get a good employee discount on a new Camaro. The Volvo had great safety ratings, which was my number one priority. But the pretty, petite cashier at Food Lion told me if I get a Camaro, that she'd go out with me sometime. I haven't been on a date since my co-workers played a prank on me by taking me to the disco and I danced with a BBW, until her boyfriend knocked out my falsetto teeth.

When I pulled in with my Volvo, the salesman put his arm around me and showed me a shiny green Camaro with all the features. Top of the line, he said. When I mentioned the GM discount, he frowned and said that that's not the way to go. He said all the paperwork and red tape would stop me from getting my car that day. He also said his terminally ill wife and his 7 adopted kids needed the commission money to get by for another few weeks before they'd get evicted from the projects. I'm not sure where the Fredericksburg projects are, but I bet it's a tough neighborhood. I played hardball and said I'd do it if he'd throw in a full tank of gas on the house. After an hour in his office, he finally came out and said after some tough negotating with his manager, he could do it. The price of the car with all the added features was $42,500. With my trade in, I got the new Camaro for $39,799. I don't like giving too much info away, so I paid cash in full. He gave me the keys and said it was mine.

After I got the keys, I walked across the dealership parking lot to see if the pretty girl, Missy, was working at Food Lion. She was there. I bought a carton of Kools and asked her if she'd like to go riding in my new Camaro. She said sure, and to pick her up at 8. She wrote her address on the back of an MVP card in felt pen and put a smiley face. I knew I was in for a big night. Maybe too big. Too fast.

I hurried over to drive my new car and when I got in I realized it was a stick shift. I hadn't driven a stick since I drove a donut truck into our base back in Vietnam in 1971. And that wasn't a good experience because there apparently were 20 Viet Cong soldiers behind the donut racks in the back. I think I was setup by the kid an hor earlier who said I could have a free truck loaded with donuts if I gave him my Mama Cass photo.

So, after a half an hour of trying to start the car, I realized you have to push the third pedal in, before turning the key. The manager seemed upset with me because the car wouldn't start and was scaring off customers. But I got the car started and when I put it in gear I rammed into a brand new Corvette in front of me. I saw security running toward me in my rear view mirror, so I jumped out of the car and zig-zagged my way through the parking lot. I got to the dealership entrance and started heaving from running the 30 yards. Luckily, my neighbor drove by and I waved him down and he drove me home.

I called a tow truck from my neighbor's house and asked him to go get the car from the dealership. He asked me why I would want to do that and I didn't have an answer. He got it towed back to my house at 7:00. I gave him $100 for the tow and asked him if he could teach me to drive stick. He said he'd give me a quick lesson for another $50. Being in a bind with a hot date in an hour, I agreed. He showed me a few pointers and said I should be ready to drive the 3 miles to Missy's.

I put on a nice tuxedo I wore on my 7th wedding day. The pants were too snug, so I put on some black sweatpants. Other than that, I looked pretty good. I splashed on some Old Spice and I started the Camaro at 7:40 and was off. I drove past the dealership and saw a policeman writing down some info where I hit the Corvette. I stopped at the red light and he spotted me. He started running toward my car and I panicked and put the car in 5 th and floored it. Unfortunately, it wasn't 5th gear, it was reverse, and I backed into a car behind me, swerved, and drove into a fire hydrant. The water came loose and gushed inside my car when I opened the door to run. The policeman told me to stop and not move. It was hard to do, because my car was filling up with water and rising quickly. I started going under and since I don't know how to swim, the policeman had to rescue me from drowning and give me mouth to mouth to resescitate me.

I guess Missy worked later than expected because she came out of the Food Lion to see what was going on and apparently saw my unconscious with my mangled Camaro on top of the fire hydrant. She laughed at me and called me a loser. She goes out with the tow truck fella now. I have to pay $17,000 for the damage to the Corvette. The Camaro is totalled. I didn't have insurance on the car yet, so I have to foot the bill for the damaged car and junk the Camaro. I also couldn't get my Volvo back. I saw the salesman driving it the other day with his friends.

I have court tomorrow for the hit and run charge. The policeman said that I probably should wear a new suit instead of the tuxedo to court. Since I have no transportation or phone, I will be taking the bus to the mall. Hopefully, I have enough money to get there.