When I was your age (Part II)

When I Was Your Age (Part II)

By Dad

You know when I was your age what I didn’t do? Sweat. You sweat too much. Like a fucking pig. I mean, your shirt is drenched already and we haven’t gotten into the place yet. You ever try deodorant? Huh? I mean it’s embarrassing. You sweating all over the place. The other parents look at me like I am making you do windsprints or something. You know how much I have to spend replacing your shirts because of the armpit stains? You want Daddy to spend his hard earned money so you can perspirate like you’re in an eternal steam room? For Chrissakes, you look like you work in a god damn sweatshop 15 hours a day. If you weren’t Anglo-Saxon you could pass like you’re from Calcutta. I mean it’s 50 degrees outside and you’re sweating bullets. And it stinks too. You have stinky sweat. B.O.! She has B.O.! That’s what the kids used to call people who stunk in high school. You don’t want that do you? I didn’t think so. You know what B.O. stands for? It stands for Body Odor. It’s smelly. You know when Fido does his business and you pinch your nose because it’s stinky. Well, you see what I’m doing? Pinching my nose. Because you smell like Fido’s poo-poo. So, from now on, you have to control your sweat. Daddy doesn’t want you to get made fun of, so he got an early birthday present for his little girl. Here it is. It’s called Secret Roll-on. Now, it’s called Secret so you won’t tell anybody, including mommy about it. Just roll it on your armpits. There you go! Ok, like fresh baby powder. You ready to go inside now? You feel better? Good. Now, when we go into the Chuck E Cheese to celebrate your 7th birthday, what won’t you do? That’s right. Sweat like a fucking pig. Good Girl. Let’s go…