Billy vs. Philly‏

I hear it everyday. Phil Collins could kick Billy Joels ass. Nuh-Uh, Billy would TOTALLY kick Philly's ass.Fuck you, don't call him Philly.

And this was supposed to be a proffessional environment...

I work in the sales office for a regional Marketing firm called Nichols and Barnes. It's a small firm, and theres only 2 other salesman in the office.

Problem is, is that these two idiots I share the office with drive me nuts. Gordon Nichols and Noelle Barnes. Both the nephews of founding partners. On one hand I got it made.I mean these two jackasses couldn't sell a wetnap at a peepshow convention, nevermind compete with my sales record. On the other hand I gotta listen to them flap their gums all day about Phil Collins and Billy Joel.

So I get into the office about 10 this morning, I'm tired, hungover and I'm ready for the weekend. In other words, I'm in no mood for bullshit. But what do I walk into???

Nichols has Barnes in a headlock, 'The Piano Man' is cranking in the background, phones are ringing off the hook which nobody was answering. I lost it.

"CUT THE SHIT BOTH OF YOU AND GET ON THOSE PHONES NOW!!" I yelled.

They broke it up, turned the music down and got to work.Things stayed quiet for about 20 minutes. Then Sususudio came on one of Nichols internet radio stations.

"Hey Noelle did you know that the horn section from Earth,Wind and Fire played on this tune."

"Big fuckin deal!! It's not like SuSudio was the theme song from Bosom Buddies."

"Please. Bosom Buddies sucked."

"Nuh-uh Bosom Buddies ROCKED!! And the theme song TOTALLY made the show classic. Tell him Bosom Buddies rocked."

"I told you both to shut the fuck up and get back to work." I replied, but it was too late. There comes a point where all you can do is sit back and let them go at it.

"Phil Collins is a shitty piano player."

"A) that's bullshit and B) at least he could play more than one insrtument. I don't hear Billy Joel playing the drums."

"No you don't, and you know what else you won't hear? Phil Collins playing the drums FOR Billy Joel. You know why? Because Billy Joel only plays with the BEST. And Phil Collins can't shake a stick at Liberty Devitto."

"I'm Sorry...WHO?"

"Liberty Devitto. Long time drummer for Billy Joel and certified ROCK GOD!!"

"Yeah well he can keep Liberty Devitto because Phil don't need to waste his time backing up Billy Joel."

"Yeah keep telling yourself that. The FACT is Philly wished he could play for Billy."

"Fuck you don't call him Philly."

"What do you think that song Billy don't you lose my number was about? Philly wanted to play in Billy's band SOOOO BAD. But guessed what happened? Billy lost Philly's number...on purpose."

"You know what your problem is Gordon? You got no class. You don't call an ar-teest like Phil Collins, Philly. He's not some Jersey Jerk-Off like you and all the other Billy Joel fans in the world. Billy Joel fans respect nothing. You don't hear me calling him Bill Joel do ya? Like, man I hope Bill Joel doesn't play too long tonight, seeing as I'm really only here to see Elton John. You know what that is? You know what that is? That's my impression of every single person who's been to a Bill Joel concert in the past 10 years."

"Typical Philly Collins fan. Gotta drag Elton John into the argument."

"Hey Elton John's gotta drag Bill Joel around his tour schedule, why shouldn't I drag Elton John into this argument."

"Hey they're fellow Troubadors, man. Theres a respect for the songwriter. They defined the singer songwriter genre in the '70's while Philly Collins was drumming in a poor mans prog-rock band that nobody gave a shit about."

"Shut up you don't know anything about early Genesis."

"You know what I do know about? Getting laid before the age of 31. But go on tell me about all that early Genesis. I'm intrigued."

"What do you wanna go?"

"Don't threaten me Noelle!! I'll take you down!! I'll take you down to Allentown!!"

"Please, you hit like an uptown girl."

"I'll kick your ass just like Billy would kick Philly's ass."

"You're dreaming pal. Bill Joel could not kick Phil Collins ass. That's a fact."

"Are you high? Billy Joel took fuckin boxing lessons you dumb shit. He's the Tony Danza of Rock n' Roll. A tough, take no shit, New Yorker with the golden gloves to back it up."

"Oh COME ON. We're talking about Phil the Shill here, the baddest coke dealer to ever grace Miami Vice."

"Big deal he was just acting. And even then he got taken down by Don Johnson. You think Don Johnson could take down Bill Joel,...I mean BILLY JOEL?!? No Chance!!"

"Of course he couldn't because Bill Joel would never be cast on Miami Vice. The only acting gig Bill Joel would get would be playing a guy who spent his life getting fired from sub shops."

"Billy aint got time for that shit. He's too busy being a REAL musician, and being inducted into the Long Island Music Hall of Fame. Can you say that about Philly, HMMM?? Is Philly in the Long Island Music Hall of Fame??"

"Seriously?!?! The Long Island Music Hall of Fame huh. That's impressive. Tell me something, exactly what floor of Bill Joel's old high school is the Long Island Music Hall of Fame located on?"

"You can talk all the shit you want, but you know Billy would kick Philly's ass."

"And just how would he do that? By driving through the side of Phil's house?"

"I'm sorry you can't handle the truth, but it's a fact, New Yorkers are tougher than the British. Billy would smack the tea and scrumpets out of Phillys mouth."

"Nuh-uh. Drummers are the toughest people in the world. It's a scientific fact."

As I left the room to go to lunch Nichols had Barnes back in a headlock. I vaguley heard him utter the phrase "Take a look at me now, Bitch."

I really gotta get another job...