Why Tom Hanks movies and Crystal Meth don't mix‏

By Josh Baskin -President of the One Hanks Commission for a Brighter Tomorow (prisoner # ACI441-220R)

If you ask me why I started smoking Crystal Meth, I'd tell you because it lasts longer than Crack. If you ask me why I started smoking Crack, I'd tell you because it was more intense than Coke. If you ask me why I forced Craig Hanks to change his name to Craig Jones at gunpoint, i'd tell you because Tom Hanks is the fucking MAN!!

You see, I am currently incarcerated, which, not to sound cliche, makes you really think about the things you've done with your life. The good, the bad, the ugly, and in some case's, if you've been convicted of the right crime, the righteous.

Now if I were to tell you that maybe there was a bright side to all that Meth I was doing,you'd think I was crazy. And if I were to be so blunt as to say that perhaps all addiction has it's place in this world, despite the damage it does to a mans soul, his family, and his society,...well, you'd probably just call that a bunch of bullshit. But the way I see it, theres a lot to be said about the moment a man finally has his moment of clarity. And for me, that moment of clarity came both 3 days deep into an ice binge and 25 minutes into "The Man With One Red Shoe".

There I was in my basement apartment, pipe in hand, pile of ice like a fuckin' glacier on the t.v tray, and Tom Hanks on the tube. "FUCKIN' BRILLIANT" I exclaimed through an exhale."HANDS DOWN!!THIS MOVIE IS FUCKIN INTENSE!!!" I must have exclaimed it too loud though, because my neighbor, Mrs. Fabien, gave the floor a whack and told me to keep it down, calling me a goddamn cracksmoker. (cracksmoker-pssshh)

But I would not keep it down.No way. Not this time.

"WHY DON'T YOU WAKE UP MRS FABIEN!! WHY DON'T YOU OPEN YOUR FUCKIN' EYES AND WAKE UP.TOM HANKS IS A NATIONAL TREASURE!! THIS RED SHOE SHOULD BE IN THE FUCKIN' SMITHSONIAN!!!AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT IT? HUH? WHATS ARE ANY OF US DOING ABOUT IT!?!? HUH!?!?"

She slammed the floor again and told me to shut the fuck up or she'd call the cops, but I was on to something, and DAMNIT, I was gonna convince Mrs. Fabien that I was right....

"ARE YOU FUCKIN' SERIOUS LADY?!?! CALL THE COPS?!?! FOR WHAT?!?! HONORING A NATIONAL TREASURE?!?! I MEAN COME ON. WHO ELSE BUT TOM HANKS COULD TEACH SALLY FIELDS TO BE A STAND UP COMEDIAN? NOT YOU!! THAT'S FOR FUCKIN' SURE!!!"


Within minutes there was a pounding at the door from the Police demanding I open up.

And there I was...centered in my moment of clarity.

I had been watching Tom Hanks movies for 88 straight hours now since I scored my last quarter pound of Crank, and after arguing with several of my regular customers, Mrs. Fabien,Mr. Fabien, Mrs. Fabiens son Doug, and even after enduring a phsical altercation with Beatrice (my mail-lady) I realized, people don't give Tom Hanks the respect that he deserves. WELL THAT WAS ABOUT TO CHANGE...

I quickly pushed my entertainment center and Marshall half stack in front of the door, rounded up all my crank, and after smashing the window of my basement apartment and climbing out, I decided then and there that I would be the founder of the One Hanks Commission for a Brighter Tommorow.

I got on the phone with my lawyer. I knew it was late but DAMNIT this was important!!

"Jesus Christ Marc, it's 4:30 in the morning. This better be good" My attorney stated as he answered the phone. I really had no time to explain the details. I was busy running from the cops and I needed a hit, so I cut to the chase.

"Meet me behind the dumpster at the KFC on Garfield Ave....Oh and bring a notary of the public....9AM SHARP"

CLICK

I made a clean getaway and made it to the dumpster. I knew time was tight and I had better get my plan ready.Luckily sleep was out of the question anyways.

I leaned against the dumpster and drew out my plan using a packet of Ranch dressing on a piece of cardboard. I pondered signing it in blood to make it official, and after a real POWERHIT, I realized it was a good idea just to lose a little blood. You know...to help get fucked up.

At quarter to 9 my attorney showed up with a dude named Roy Ryan sitting in the backseat. I knew Roy. Good choice for a notary of the public.

I hopped in the front seat, took a hit that could smoke out the Bronx, pulled out my 9mm and assured them that I would be their only client for the day. I then asked my attorney to pull into the Starbucks where I proceeded to buy us all a round of latte's...just to show I was a cool guy.

After showing them the plan I had laid out in Ranch dressing we were soon on our way to hold up the social security office and force anybody with the last name of Hanks to change it. My attorney tried reasoning with me by stating the odds of finding anyone with the last name Hanks were slim to none, but when you smoke enough Meth, you pretty much become psychic. And sure enough I was right.

"EVERYBODY BE COOL AND NOBODY GET'S HURT!!" I yelled as we entered the social security office while putting a round into the floor." I WANNA SEE ID'S NOW!! NOW!! NOW!!"

The mostly elderly crowd were quite startled as I rounded them up inside the office along with my attorney and Notary.

After taking a MONSTER pull off my ice-pipe I explained that I was not out to hurt anyone.However, the way I saw it, nobody in the U.S. of A. deserved the last name Hanks unless they starred in TV's Bosom Buddies, which left out everybody in the country except 1 guy who's name I don't know.

It was then that I saw an elderly gentleman attempting to sneak out.

"STOP THAT GUY ROY!!!" I yelled while exhaling

Fuckin Roy. The guy just stood there. So luckily I had a sudden burst of energy and pounced.I tackled the old man, rolled him on his stomach and stole his wallet. Sure enough I found him....CRAIG HANKS!!

I held the 9mm to his held and asked him where the fuck he got off stealing the honorable Tom Hanks name. He just sat there looking like there was something wrong with ME.

I ordered the clerk to draw up some papers with my attorney for a legal name change including a new Social Security number. Thats when Craig "Hanks" started in with the whining. 'how dare you make me give up my name! My father stormed the beaches of Normandy'

"YEAH WELL DID YOUR FATHER SAVE PRIVATE RYAN ONCE HE GOT THERE !!!" I quickly replied. That shut him the fuck up.

Just as Roy stamped the paperwork officially bringing America officially closer to a One Hanks America the phone rang. It was the cops.

"Come on out you fuckin crackhead your surrounded" I was told by a Seargant Jennings

"I aint a fuckin Crackhead you asshole I do Meth!" I proudly corrected him.

After some more juvenile namecalling we got down to business. He asked me my demands and I told him I wanted to watch Splash. The name calling resumed after that.

After consulting with my attorney I realized I wouldn't walk away on this one. I let everyone out but my attorney, Roy, the clerk, and Craig Jones. I smoked as much Ice as I ever have in a 5 minute period and got back on with Jennings.

"OK PIG, this is what we're gonna do. You're gonna take me alive THIS TIME, but you'll never take the Commission. My last demand is that I get to change my name to a Hanks character."

"OK PUNK!! But on 1 condition. It can't be Charlie Wilson."

Although I didn't understand why he insisted on this condition I agreed to it. 10 minutes later, I was no longer Marc Leclair. I was Josh Baskin. 15 minutes later I was arrested, beaten severely, and finally began coming down...what a fuckin' bummer.

So here I am incarcerated just shy of 6 hard years later. Do I have any regrets, sure I do. I shouldn't have signed my plan in blood. Just gave the DA more to work with. But what are you gonna do.

Other than that I stand by the Commission to this very day. I have yet to gain any other members at the time of this writing, but I remain optimistic. After all, if theres one thing prison teaches a man it's that if you get the Latin Kings on your side, you can accomplish anything.

I don't want any trouble from the cable company‏

By Angelo

There's been a lot of cable trucks driving by my townhouse lately. At first I was only slightly concearned by this, seeing as how I didn't have cable. When I received a flyer from Cox Cable telling me that stealing cable is a federal offense carrying penalties of 1 year in prison and up to $10, 000.00 in fines, I realized I better not take any chances. I decided to contact Cox cable and let them know that I got their message loud and clear. However since I don't use the telephone, I had to walk to the local service office which was 6 miles away. By the time I arrived I decided it would probably be for the best for all of us if I just went ahead and order the cable. That way at least I'll have a paper trail showing that I've complied. The man at the counter offered to set me up with a deluxe digital package which included every movie channel offered by Cox, plus a DVR to record television shows on my own schedule. I said it didn't really matter because I won't be turning my television on anyway. If they can tap an ordinary telephone line, who knows what they're capable of with a fiber optic cable. Then he told me I'd have to let an installer into the house to hook up the cable, and I got really uncomfortable. I says to him "look, just send me the bill and I'll pay it" but he wouldn't go for it. Finally I just told him "l guess theres nothing I can do, if I gotta get the cable then I gotta get the cable.". The man at the counter said "you don't HAVE to get cable" to me. I said "yeah right Buddy, do I look like I was born yesterday?"...well I didn't really say that. But I thought it.

So the following Tuesday a guy named Tony came to my townhouse to install the cable. He told me he needed to get into my spare bedroom to run the cable to the utility pole out front.I wasn't cool with that at all, but he wouldn't listen when I told him he "could if he really had to, but I'd really prefer that he didn't".I heard some voices while he was in there, and I know he was talking to my treadmill.By that time I had locked myself in the bathroom and barracaded the door with a hamper. I asked him politely not to talk to the treadmill, but he made up a lie about trying to reach his dispatcher on his Nextel. I watched him like a hawk the whole time he was outside from the side of my bathroom window. I'm pretty sure he hooked up a camera on the utility pole outside but I wasn't gonna say anything to him about it. Once he left, I unplugged the television and draped a thick quilt over it after turning it completely around. Now I gotta pay $114.92 every month for the Cox digital deluxe cable plus DVR package and I can't even watch my television anymore.It's too bad because I used to like to watch the ballgame when it was on. But it's all for the best. I just don't want any trouble from the cable company.

Dill Doughnuts

By Don Neely

I've never been much of a business man, although I'd like to be. One thing I am however is a guy who is hip with whats "in" in America. And in these modern times, the do it yourself empowerment of Emeril Lugassi mixed with the sudden influx of Whole Foods has given Americans a love for good organic foods with healthy ingrediants. So naturally I decided to use the latest health rage to my own advantage.

Now some folks got themselves a real sweet tooth if you know what I'm saying. Well I been told that I got a whole mouth full of sweet teeth. So that being said, I began asking myself, how can a guy like me, (you know a man of the times) satisfy said sweet teeth in an organic and healthy manner? So to Whole Foods I went.

I was pleasantly surprised with the amount of baked goods and pastry they had using alternative organic flour, however I did not find any doughnuts (you see doughnuts are my only vice). So I asked myself, "OK Donny, what would Emeril do now?" Well I tell you what he'd do. He'd make his OWN doughnuts, and he'd make a million bucks too. So that's what I was gonna do.

So to the drawing board I went. Being such a trend savy guy I knew that if I could invent an organic doughnut using creatively healthy ingrediants, I could get Whole Foods to sell them and make me rich.

So after a few days in the kitchen using the finest ingrediants Whole Foods sells, I cracked the recipe for Donny's Organic Doughnuts first official doughnut.

I figured I'd start off with the recipe that I came up with using Dill. I discovered that Dill gives doughnuts a real unexpected zesty flavor. And besides the Chili Powder doughnut just wasn't working out.Not yet anyway. Needs some tweaking.

Now like I said before, I'm not much of a business man, but I figured 'Donny, if your gonna sell a doughnut, you better get out there and make some phone calls'. So I get a phone number for a buyer at Whole Foods corporate and I made my very first sales call.

"Whole Foods new accounts purchasing you're speaking to Melinda how can I help you"

Stay cool Donnie, I thought to myself.

"Hey there Melinda, Donny here with an offer you just can't say no to."

"OK Donnie, I'm listening what do you got."

"DILLDOUGHNUTS!!!"

"EXCUSE ME?!?!"

"I gotta big ol' sacka DillDoughnuts here that are gonna make your mouth water."

"AHHHH..."

"Melinda I am LITERALLY HOLDING MY DILLDOUGHNUTS IN MY HANDS AS WE SPEAK, and let me tell ya Melinda...I want these DILLDOUGHNUTS IN MY MOUTH. I want YOU to want my DILLDOUGHNUTS, and most of all Melinda I want to see the faces of all those whole foods customers when I show up at Whole Foods and wip out my DILLDOUGHNUTS."

"SIR I REALLY DON'T THINK..."

"I'm gonna say come on and get one of Big Don's GIANT DILLDOUGHNUTS."

"UMMMMMM...."

"Come on Melinda. You'll love these giant DILLDOUGHNUTS so much that when you reach the middle, you'll tell yourself, 'If there was a way, I'd eat the hole too.'"

"Listen SIR I really don't think our customers are going to..."

"OH I KNOW what your customers are gonna do. It's gonna be a grand ol' day that EVERYONE'S gonna remember,when I display my DILLDOUGHNUTS down there at that Whole Foods. Come on Melinda close your eyes and picture it like I am doing right now. First a single mother comes by with little Johnny, who's like 'Mommy,Mommy what are THOSE', and of course being the enlightened mother, she'll look at my DILLDOUGHNUTS and say to little Johnny, 'NO!!' And I'll say, 'come on MOM, THESE DILLDOUGHNUTS ARE GOOD FOR THE BOY!! They'll put hair on his chest.' And LOOK MELINDA, here comes Granny, and she's saying, you know sonny It's been such a long long time since I've had anything like that, because you know I AM OLDER, but after just one look at those big tasty DILLDOUGHNUTS I JUST CAN'T RESIST. GO AHEAD AND PUT IT IN MY MOUTH AND I'LL PAY YOU WHATEVER YOU WANT!! And theres her husband, and HE SERVED HIS COUNTRY IN VIETNAM MELINDA!!! AND HE SAY's SAME HERE BOY GIVE ME THOSE DILLDOUGHNUTS I'm GOOD FOR THE MONEY, but I'll SAY NO SIR, I WILL NOT TAKE MONEY FROM A VETERAN FOR A TASTE OF BIG DON'S DILLDOUGHNUTS, THAT'S WHERE I DRAW THE LINE, I'M A MAN OF PRINCIPLE..."

CLICK!!!

"Damnit Donnie, you just can't keep your cool can ya" I asked myself. But you know something...SCREW WHOLE FOODS!! If they won't let me put my DILLDOUGHNUTS on their shelves because I refuse to charge a veteran then I don't need them anyway.

I guess that's just why I'm not a good business man. I got too much scruples. And even though I never sold doughnut one, I learned a valuable lesson about business. And at least I tried. But what are you gonna do. It's a free country and I can't force my DILLDOUGHNUTS on anyone.