Dill Doughnuts

By Don Neely

I've never been much of a business man, although I'd like to be. One thing I am however is a guy who is hip with whats "in" in America. And in these modern times, the do it yourself empowerment of Emeril Lugassi mixed with the sudden influx of Whole Foods has given Americans a love for good organic foods with healthy ingrediants. So naturally I decided to use the latest health rage to my own advantage.

Now some folks got themselves a real sweet tooth if you know what I'm saying. Well I been told that I got a whole mouth full of sweet teeth. So that being said, I began asking myself, how can a guy like me, (you know a man of the times) satisfy said sweet teeth in an organic and healthy manner? So to Whole Foods I went.

I was pleasantly surprised with the amount of baked goods and pastry they had using alternative organic flour, however I did not find any doughnuts (you see doughnuts are my only vice). So I asked myself, "OK Donny, what would Emeril do now?" Well I tell you what he'd do. He'd make his OWN doughnuts, and he'd make a million bucks too. So that's what I was gonna do.

So to the drawing board I went. Being such a trend savy guy I knew that if I could invent an organic doughnut using creatively healthy ingrediants, I could get Whole Foods to sell them and make me rich.

So after a few days in the kitchen using the finest ingrediants Whole Foods sells, I cracked the recipe for Donny's Organic Doughnuts first official doughnut.

I figured I'd start off with the recipe that I came up with using Dill. I discovered that Dill gives doughnuts a real unexpected zesty flavor. And besides the Chili Powder doughnut just wasn't working out.Not yet anyway. Needs some tweaking.

Now like I said before, I'm not much of a business man, but I figured 'Donny, if your gonna sell a doughnut, you better get out there and make some phone calls'. So I get a phone number for a buyer at Whole Foods corporate and I made my very first sales call.

"Whole Foods new accounts purchasing you're speaking to Melinda how can I help you"

Stay cool Donnie, I thought to myself.

"Hey there Melinda, Donny here with an offer you just can't say no to."

"OK Donnie, I'm listening what do you got."

"DILLDOUGHNUTS!!!"

"EXCUSE ME?!?!"

"I gotta big ol' sacka DillDoughnuts here that are gonna make your mouth water."

"AHHHH..."

"Melinda I am LITERALLY HOLDING MY DILLDOUGHNUTS IN MY HANDS AS WE SPEAK, and let me tell ya Melinda...I want these DILLDOUGHNUTS IN MY MOUTH. I want YOU to want my DILLDOUGHNUTS, and most of all Melinda I want to see the faces of all those whole foods customers when I show up at Whole Foods and wip out my DILLDOUGHNUTS."

"SIR I REALLY DON'T THINK..."

"I'm gonna say come on and get one of Big Don's GIANT DILLDOUGHNUTS."

"UMMMMMM...."

"Come on Melinda. You'll love these giant DILLDOUGHNUTS so much that when you reach the middle, you'll tell yourself, 'If there was a way, I'd eat the hole too.'"

"Listen SIR I really don't think our customers are going to..."

"OH I KNOW what your customers are gonna do. It's gonna be a grand ol' day that EVERYONE'S gonna remember,when I display my DILLDOUGHNUTS down there at that Whole Foods. Come on Melinda close your eyes and picture it like I am doing right now. First a single mother comes by with little Johnny, who's like 'Mommy,Mommy what are THOSE', and of course being the enlightened mother, she'll look at my DILLDOUGHNUTS and say to little Johnny, 'NO!!' And I'll say, 'come on MOM, THESE DILLDOUGHNUTS ARE GOOD FOR THE BOY!! They'll put hair on his chest.' And LOOK MELINDA, here comes Granny, and she's saying, you know sonny It's been such a long long time since I've had anything like that, because you know I AM OLDER, but after just one look at those big tasty DILLDOUGHNUTS I JUST CAN'T RESIST. GO AHEAD AND PUT IT IN MY MOUTH AND I'LL PAY YOU WHATEVER YOU WANT!! And theres her husband, and HE SERVED HIS COUNTRY IN VIETNAM MELINDA!!! AND HE SAY's SAME HERE BOY GIVE ME THOSE DILLDOUGHNUTS I'm GOOD FOR THE MONEY, but I'll SAY NO SIR, I WILL NOT TAKE MONEY FROM A VETERAN FOR A TASTE OF BIG DON'S DILLDOUGHNUTS, THAT'S WHERE I DRAW THE LINE, I'M A MAN OF PRINCIPLE..."

CLICK!!!

"Damnit Donnie, you just can't keep your cool can ya" I asked myself. But you know something...SCREW WHOLE FOODS!! If they won't let me put my DILLDOUGHNUTS on their shelves because I refuse to charge a veteran then I don't need them anyway.

I guess that's just why I'm not a good business man. I got too much scruples. And even though I never sold doughnut one, I learned a valuable lesson about business. And at least I tried. But what are you gonna do. It's a free country and I can't force my DILLDOUGHNUTS on anyone.

You Can't Touch My Prices!!!

Hey everybody Dan Marino here - YES THE Dan Marino of Marino's Marina Supply, reminding you that with the recession as bad as it is, and the high cost of fuel sky-sky-SKYROCKETING, never has there EVER been a better time to NOT BUY A BOAT!! That's right you heard it straight from Uncle Danny's mouth. Stretch your entertainment budget for every penny you got!!wanna impress your new girlfriend?Then you should take her down to Epcott, they've really fixed the place up. STICK IT TO THE MAN!! BOYCOTT GAS CONSUMING HOBBIES and for GOD'S SAKE...DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT BUYING A BOAT from Marino's Marina Supply!! AND Nowhere in the state is better to NOT buy a boat then Marino's Marina supply. We got a full stock of everything from Jetski's to 24 footers to MARINO's KING SIZE 65 footers, We're the only game in town and I plan on keeping everyone of these motherfuckers!!! SO PISS OFF!!

(Marino walks in front of the deck of one of his boats marked PRICED TO SELL on it.)

Now I know what your thinking, Danny your a business man, why don't you want to sell me a boat? EASY!! my wife doesn't come here... EVER! and this is the only place I got to hide my Barely Legal's (reaches over the deck and pulls up arm fulls of barely legal magazines, walks over to the next boat and drops them into that deck. a few spare magazines fall on the ground of the parking lot and an 10 year old red-headed boy quickly runs up, snatches it and runs off without Danny even noticing him.)

Now you're probably saying to yourself, this is CRAZY!! This guy actually owns a boat lot just to hide his porn-stash? YES HE DOES!! I married for money, and my wife, God bless her, is a REAL UPTIGHT WASPY BITCH! and this shit simply DOES NOT fly at home!!In fact, if I get caught with even ONE of these barely legals, she would divorce my ass in a New York MINUTE. I would actually have to make a REAL living by SELLING MY BOATS, and in this economy, how the fuck am I supposed to make any god-damn money doing that?!?!?!

So now I KNOW WHAT ELSE you're thinking, If this guy really doesn't want his wife to know about his secret porno stash, and he doesn't want any business, then why the heck is he advertising on TV? WELL I TOLD YOU, my wife is a WASP and she only watches Martha Stewart!! and I DON'T ADVERTISE DURING MARTHA STEWART!!! It's right here in my contract, in black and white!! And to answer your other question, I don't know how many of you viewers at home have ever been caught masturbating in the lobby of a sales office, but it happens to me FAR TOO OFTEN!! AND IT's TIME TO CUT THE SHIT AMERICA!!

And if you think THAT's ALL ...THEN YOUR THE ONE THAT'S CRAZY, and maybe a little STUPID TOO.'Cause I'm also here to tell you that if you think you're gonna come down to MY boat lot and try to haggle a good deal on one of MY boats by threatening to tell my wife, well let me tell YOU this... I KNOW JOE PESCI!! (short angry Italian guy comes on screen who is clearly NOT Joe Pesci) That's right tough guy, PESCI WORKS FOR ME!! And if you think Joe Pesci was an animal in films like Goodfella's and Casino, well then you aint seen him off-camera AND YOU DON'T WANT TO!! This guys a real fuckin' hot head, and you don't want to make him mad. Lot of accidents around town these days. ALL I'M SAYING!!!

SO COME ON DOWN TO MARINO's MARINA SUPPLY, THE CITIES ONLY SELLER OF NEW AND PRE-OWNED BOATS,JETSKI'S,LIFEJACKETS, and WATERSKIING EQUIPMENT, and then just turn it right around... and GET THE FUCK OUTA HERE!!!


Marino's Marina Supply, located at 384 Garfiled Avenue across the street from the Dairy Queen. Open 7 days a week from 10 AM to 10:30 PM. Open on most major Holidays. We're also certified to sell and renew fishing licenses.