Deep Purple Sucks‏

By Rachel Dean,


It's not easy being a 16 year old girl trying to navigate your way through high school these days. Especially when you hate Deep Purple as much as I do.

Now I know what your thinking, 'it's 2008 and kids don't even listen to Deep Purple these days.'

Exactly!!

Nobody listens to Deep Purple and I fucking HATE DEEP PURPLE!! AARRGGHH!! Seriously it's like WTF!! Who can I even talk to about how overrated the 'Machinehead' album was? That creepy guidance counselor I made out with when I was the only kid who had inhouse last semester? Please. He doesn't know shit about Deep Purple. He doesn't even know who Jon Lord is.

Ever since Freshman year when I started getting into hating Deep Purple, it's like I started seeing the world through a new set of eyes.

Now when I hear all the other girls in homeroom talking about Britney Spears, and how much of a skank she is, i'm just like "ummmm hellooo...could you be any lamer"

And they're all "Ahhhh, whatever Rachel you bitch. Britney's such a skank that her kids had to be taken away 'cause she's such a whore"

And I'm like "Pssh!!Britney's not even half as much of a skank as Richie Blackmore."

Sometimes I think about running away to a big city like San Francisco where I could go to a party and somebody would play Smoke on the Water on the radio and I could yell "TURN THAT SHIT OFF!!"

That would never happen in this town. Kids around here don't even listen to Steppenwolf, nevermind the poormans Steppenwolf who turned into the poor mans Black Sabbath. (A.K.A. Deep Purple...Don't tell me that YOU didn't even catch the reference)

If only I was born in the late 70's. I could've been a Gen X kid. Those kids were bitter, synical, and they took shitty music serious. Real serious. I mean, most of them grew up with parents who had Bat Out of Hell from Meatloaf on Cassette. They were forced into long car rides with Uptown Girl from Billy Joel blaring from their parents Dodge Caravans. To say they were well schooled and intolerant of a shitty band is a major understatement.

Those kids would have understood what I mean when I say Deep Purple sucks. But nobody else gets it. And to not understand my hatred of Deep Purple is to not understand Rachel Dean.

Don’t call me Guy. My name is Buddy

By Buddy Guy

Listen children. I’ve been playin’ guitar for 60 years. I don’t need you new, sassy music critics cramping my style and aksing stupid questions. My music speaks for itself. Some consider me one of the best of all time. So, for you to sit there and call me “Guy” is downright disrespectful. You didn’t going around calling the late,great Mr. James Brown, Brownie now did you? So, “What’s up, guy?” don’t cut it, you see. “What’s up, Buddy?”, now that’s ok. Mr. Guy is cool. Just plain Guy? No, now that ain’t cool. Where I’se come from, you treat people with respect, especially your elders. Which you can see I am. Now, the ladies won’t tell you that, right sugar mama? (laughter.) He-he. Anyway, one of the reasons for this press conference is to tell all you from Rolling Stone and Relics and all that shit is that nobody, and I mean nobody is to address me by my last name ‘Guy’ anymore. Can you dig that? Now I’ll take some questions.

“Yes, Guy. Ben Fung Torres Rolling Stone. Are you plan-“

“Muthafucka. Did you hear what I just goddamn told you Mr. Shitty-Shitty Chang Chang? My name ain’t Guy.” “Get the fuck outta my hotel”.“Next Question.”

“Can you tell all the guys and girls how long when your next..”

"You patronizing me sucka? I'm going wrap this polkadot guitar around your candy ass.Get outta here. Jerome, show Mr. Wiseass Reee-port-ahhh the door-a-huhh."(plays a riff)

“Guy Buddy, do you plan on playing the Bonnaroo..”

“What! Did you just assbackward my name and shit? You looking in a mirror? Cause if you are, I could borrow it, if you know what I mean. (laughter). But no shit, to sit there Mr. Dislexia (blues chord), Buddy Guy is going to wrecks yaaaa’(cymbal crash) up and down this here floor. Now, get your ass outta here-here-heeerree and wind up.(drum beat) Wind up. (drum beat) I said Wind up (drum beat) out the door. (blues jam)

“Mr. Buddy Guy?”

“Yes, sir”

“Now is Guy your given name or is it your-“

“You think you bad?”

“Well..”

“I aks you a goddamn question you fidgety music pisser who don’t know jack shit about the blues. You come here to this fine establishment. Good shrimp by the way there Tony.”

“Thanks Guy”

(Dirty Look). Anyway. You tryin’ to play with me like you bad? Well,let me show you what bad is. (wah-wah) Bad is meee. (wah-wah) And meee is bad. (wah-wah) But you don’t call me bad. Uh-uh. (wah-wah) And you don’t call me guy. No sir. (wah-wah) So, it’s time for you (wah-wah) to say, say, say goooood-bye…Hm-hmm-hmmm..”

“Mr. Buddy Guy, are you planning on coming out with a new album?”

“Yes, ma’am. I sure do. It’s going to be mostly instrumental. Riffs and riffs galore, ladies and gentleman.”

“What will be the title?”

“The Buddy System. Which I think we about covered today, don’t you think? Now everyone get your two bit asses outta here. I’m too old for this shit.”

“The Buddy System, Can you believe that guy?”