You Can't Touch My Prices!!!

Hey everybody Dan Marino here - YES THE Dan Marino of Marino's Marina Supply, reminding you that with the recession as bad as it is, and the high cost of fuel sky-sky-SKYROCKETING, never has there EVER been a better time to NOT BUY A BOAT!! That's right you heard it straight from Uncle Danny's mouth. Stretch your entertainment budget for every penny you got!!wanna impress your new girlfriend?Then you should take her down to Epcott, they've really fixed the place up. STICK IT TO THE MAN!! BOYCOTT GAS CONSUMING HOBBIES and for GOD'S SAKE...DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT BUYING A BOAT from Marino's Marina Supply!! AND Nowhere in the state is better to NOT buy a boat then Marino's Marina supply. We got a full stock of everything from Jetski's to 24 footers to MARINO's KING SIZE 65 footers, We're the only game in town and I plan on keeping everyone of these motherfuckers!!! SO PISS OFF!!

(Marino walks in front of the deck of one of his boats marked PRICED TO SELL on it.)

Now I know what your thinking, Danny your a business man, why don't you want to sell me a boat? EASY!! my wife doesn't come here... EVER! and this is the only place I got to hide my Barely Legal's (reaches over the deck and pulls up arm fulls of barely legal magazines, walks over to the next boat and drops them into that deck. a few spare magazines fall on the ground of the parking lot and an 10 year old red-headed boy quickly runs up, snatches it and runs off without Danny even noticing him.)

Now you're probably saying to yourself, this is CRAZY!! This guy actually owns a boat lot just to hide his porn-stash? YES HE DOES!! I married for money, and my wife, God bless her, is a REAL UPTIGHT WASPY BITCH! and this shit simply DOES NOT fly at home!!In fact, if I get caught with even ONE of these barely legals, she would divorce my ass in a New York MINUTE. I would actually have to make a REAL living by SELLING MY BOATS, and in this economy, how the fuck am I supposed to make any god-damn money doing that?!?!?!

So now I KNOW WHAT ELSE you're thinking, If this guy really doesn't want his wife to know about his secret porno stash, and he doesn't want any business, then why the heck is he advertising on TV? WELL I TOLD YOU, my wife is a WASP and she only watches Martha Stewart!! and I DON'T ADVERTISE DURING MARTHA STEWART!!! It's right here in my contract, in black and white!! And to answer your other question, I don't know how many of you viewers at home have ever been caught masturbating in the lobby of a sales office, but it happens to me FAR TOO OFTEN!! AND IT's TIME TO CUT THE SHIT AMERICA!!

And if you think THAT's ALL ...THEN YOUR THE ONE THAT'S CRAZY, and maybe a little STUPID TOO.'Cause I'm also here to tell you that if you think you're gonna come down to MY boat lot and try to haggle a good deal on one of MY boats by threatening to tell my wife, well let me tell YOU this... I KNOW JOE PESCI!! (short angry Italian guy comes on screen who is clearly NOT Joe Pesci) That's right tough guy, PESCI WORKS FOR ME!! And if you think Joe Pesci was an animal in films like Goodfella's and Casino, well then you aint seen him off-camera AND YOU DON'T WANT TO!! This guys a real fuckin' hot head, and you don't want to make him mad. Lot of accidents around town these days. ALL I'M SAYING!!!

SO COME ON DOWN TO MARINO's MARINA SUPPLY, THE CITIES ONLY SELLER OF NEW AND PRE-OWNED BOATS,JETSKI'S,LIFEJACKETS, and WATERSKIING EQUIPMENT, and then just turn it right around... and GET THE FUCK OUTA HERE!!!


Marino's Marina Supply, located at 384 Garfiled Avenue across the street from the Dairy Queen. Open 7 days a week from 10 AM to 10:30 PM. Open on most major Holidays. We're also certified to sell and renew fishing licenses.

After 4 years in business I've finally made my 1st dollar

By Benny Gorton

When I was a child, I dreamed of having my first business. I worked for my dad's hardware store in Woonsocket from the time I was 10 until I went away to college to study business in Harrisonburg, Va. I graduated at the top of my class and with a little help from my dad, I opened my first café in Media, Pa in 2003. I used my Italian and French heritage to influence my hidden passion, cooking.

The day I opened I bought a frame for my first dollar. I remember the day my dad earned his first dollar and had me put it in a frame. He told me that it was the proudest day of his life since the day I was born. I wanted to accomplish the same thing.

I found a perfect spot for the frame where I would put my first dollar. Right above the bar, where everyone could see it. All the doubters in the local newspaper and all the Mafioso goons that encountered me said I wouldn't make it. Well, they were wrong. The customers were rolling in. In my first year, I cleared $86,000. I managed to get the dinner crowd and then the young professionals after 10. The place was top notch.

After my first year, the only regret was-I still didn't have a dollar in my frame. It just happened that everyone paid with credit and debit cards. I thought, "Well, maybe this year will be the year." I had an even better year in 2004. We added outdoor seating and I made $102,000 for the year. But still, amazingly, no one paid with cash. I thought being right outside of Philly, someone would pay with cash. But no.

I wasn't going to get too down about it. One night though it got the best of me. I ate at the bar and had a few too many scothes. I saw someone leave a $10 tip for one of my waitresses, Tina. The place was pretty full, but something came over me. I just wanted that bill. So, I casually went over to grab it. Tina got there at the same time. I picked up the 10 spot. So did she. She yanked on it and I yanked on it. She said, "Benny, what the heck. That's my Tip!" I yelled, "I want my first dollar. It's for the frame!" The whole place was looking at us by now. We pulled on it and I did the old "tug-hard-and-let-go" trick. Tina went flying backward with the $10 bill in her hand into the wine rack smashing 30 vintage bottles of wine. The glass came crashing down and a piece stuck her right in the breast and chopped off one of her nipples. I never saw so much blood. How was I to know nipples could bleed like that? While the ambulance was on its way, I desperately rummaged through the remnants for the dollar. But the blood looked like wine and wine like blood. The customers were horrified and I was nauseated. I didn't find the bill and I had to close for a few days. I eventually got sued by Tina for $3.5 million.

I figured the only way to capture my dream was to stay re-open. I went to cash only for a while so I could get the dollar for my frame. But no one came in for 4 days, so I changed the sign on the front to "Cash and Credit, but we prefer cash." Apparently, this caught the suspicion of the IRS, so they started snooping through my records. I was in compliance, but the tax attorney I had to hire cost me a couple of grand. He only took cash too, so I had to go to the bank to get some cash. I must say I was tempted to take one of the dollars from the bank roll for my attorney and put it in the frame. But all I could think of was my dad. He earned his first dollar and I didn't. I was failing my dream.

So, I came up with an idea. I would put a March of Dimes jar on the counter and maybe someone would put some cash in. All I got was change. I thought I saw someone put in some green, so I checked to see what was in there, but when I did, I felt a nudge in my calf. I turned around and it was a small child in a wheelchair and the mayor of Media. I guess it was his kid's birthday so they took him to my place. He grabbed my necktie and told me if I pulled something like that again that he'd get his goons from South Philly to chop off my hand.

The closest I came was on October 22nd, 2007 it almost happened. An astute gentleman with a party of 7 came in the place. I knew this was my chance! This crew racked up $327 in charges. When he came up to the counter to pay, I knocked my 16 year old nephew who was working as our cashier out of the way and took over the transaction. I said, "Well, the Credit Card machine is not working." He said, "No problem!". He opened his wallet and I looked down at my nephew with glee. Everything happened in slow-motion. He pulled out a $1,000 bill. I remember screaming. Screaming for mercy…because I didn't have the change for a bill that size. I screamed, "Noooooo!!!!" and blacked out. Next thing I remember is waking up with blood on my hands and being in a cell. I recall it everyday from right here in my room at Tucker Psychiatric ward.

Luckily, I mutilated myself and no one else during the blackout. I hope to be out of here in a couple of months. My restaurant has since closed down and my liquor and business licenses have been revoked.

The funny thing is you can do odd jobs like landscapiong at the psych ward. I laid out some mulch the other day and the director gave me a dollar. I have it up on my wall and when I get out of here I'm going to put it in my frame. My daddy would be proud.