The Adventures of Marty the Meth Addict: Thanksgiving at Aunt Lucy's House

Hey Cousin, my you're getting big. Nephew? Who the hell? Hey Grandma. What's shaking you old bag? Can I get a swig of that Goldschlager? Sweet, you were always there for me gram. Ok, enough of this family shit. Hi everyone, hi to you, you too, you you little bastard. Just going to go back and check on the chickens. Boy it smells in here. I'll just seat myself between you two hens. Nice little hit before Turkey time. Wooof. BOWAAWAAWA! Rrrg. Shit. Hey what came first, the chicken or the egg?Hehehehe. What's that? Oh shit. Hey Mr. wolf. Hey Mr. Nice doggie. Ohh, no need to show those teeth. Want some meth? Hey, lemme shotgun it for you. Just stay still. There you go. Good dog now. Hey. Calm down wolf. Oh don't get all upset now. Why's your fur doing that man? Are you some kind of alien? Don't jump, just gonna back up real slow outta the coop. All You can eact chicken is on Marty today. Two drink minimum? Heheheh. It was just a joooooooooke. Ohhh! Help! Help! Marty is on the run.

Oh shit Bobby,close the door. There's a wolf chasing me. See him. He's eating the tire of Lucy's car. Don't know, he must be really upset or something. Probably teased him with all this food you guys been cooking up.

Grandma get the gun! Quick give me your necklace. Throwin it in the pan! It's sizzlin' silver! Marty the Silver chef! I'm cooking it cuz I'm gonna make a silver bullet and shoot it through his heart! No, I won't calm down. A coyote? What the? I'm not freaking out. Fine, but as soon as dinner is ready yell downstairs and I'll come up. Yell loud too, cuz I'm gonna be playing Pac Man. Stupid family. Pac Man my ass. Pac man is packing it up with some ice biatchh! Woof, Wow! Methamphetamine equals powerpelletine . HEhehe. Good hittin down here in the basement. What? Dinner's ready? I ain't hungry. I'll be up in a few. Wof! Woof! Ice is hitting on t-giving baby!

Oh, hey everyone, oh nothing, just looking at the washing machine down there. Oh you all saying some séance thing? I bet I can get the Turkey to levitate. Watch this….Dearly Beloved, Gobble Gobble, let the good lord raise the bird up and make his head begin to Bobble! Heehehehe. Oh fine, you pissants ain't worth shit. I'll be watching football while you do that pilgrim shit. It ain't the year 1345 folks! Jesus. What's on the tube? Hey Aunt Lucy, what's wrong with the reception? The antenna. I'll go fix it. On the roof? Fuck that? How about some tackle football? When are you guys going to be done eating? Here I'll help you woof it down. Give me that spoon. Mmmm. Gooth math potathoes Titha. Heehehe. Manners? What manners? I'm eating with the spoon. Oh wait a sec…Something's about to come out of my ass. Ohoooo! Marty shit himself at the Thanksgiving table. Marty shit himself at the Thankgiving table!!! Fine. I'm outta here. Hey, nephew who can't speak too good, what size waist are you?

Penpal Letters From C. Everett Koop

In 1986 I was a 4th grader attending John F. Kennedy Elementary School in Blackstone MA. Our teacher had assigned us the task of writing a letter to any member of the U.S. government. Most kids wrote to President Reagan, but I wrote my letter to Surgeon General C. Everett Koop. In response to my only letter I received a letter from the Surgeon General at least twice a month for the next 21 years. I have decided to publish the one sided correspondence in a segment I call:

PENPAL LETTERS FROM C. EVERETT KOOP

November 24, 1986

Dear Jeremy,

Well buddy it's Thanksgiving day and am I ever fucked! Fuckin high school football games! It's my only vice (besides chasing Korean poontang). So I drop 3 grand by 11 o'clock this morning, you know which wouldn't be so bad in itself, but if I don't get that cash back in the bank before my wife mails out the mortgage check, I'm gonna be in the dog house until they cancel Hill Street Blues.

I just dont need this shit this month. I've really been on a tear. I was at a conference in Cincinatti last week, and I run into Lee Iakoka in the hotel lounge. Fuckin prick that guy. So he's sittin there at the bar and I sit down about 3 stools over and order a scotch.Then Iakoka lights up a camel. So I walk over to him and I say "Hey...I'm C. Everett Koop", and he goes "Yeah I know." So I says "then put your fuckin cigarette out, you should know better." He tells me to take a hike. So I respond by picking up an ashtray and smacking him in the ear with it. The ashtray cracks in 2 and Iakoka starts crying like a teenage runaway's first night in the whorehouse. To make a long story short, the bartender calls 911 and I drop $2,800 bribing the Cincinatti PD.

And I put a call in for a little "company" for after the nights festivities. So I get up to the room a little late, and Mai Ling is charging me for the 3 hours that she was waiting.The whole thing was a bust anyway because I was steering the ship but my sails weren't a-hoisting if you catch my drift. Plus she stole my wallet and robbed the mini-bar.Never take your eyes off an Asian broad ,Jeremy, thats the first thing they teach you in the Navy.

So I've been pulling in a little on the side betting on the high school games. you know,the local boys are 7-2, so I figure it's a fuckin lock. I put $500.00 down and the boys are really pulling through. I'm out there in the bleachers drinking some Wild Turkey (it is Thanksgiving, so I was keeping with the spirit), and anyways I start feeling good. Real good. That's when I notice my buddy McCalister, (he's an ex-army colonel and works at the deli- he's a hot shit). Well he's down $800, and asks me for a spot. So I challenge him to an Army Navy wrestling match, winner takes all. So we go behind the bleachers and I give him a TOTAL PUMMELLING. It was a fine thanksgiving workout if I've ever seen one. I didn't have the heart to take his money seeing as how the man was a WWII vet, so I spot him $2,500... and wouldn't you know it, the local boys lose it 28-10. Fuck it. Right Jeremy?

So anyways I got the whole family and the grandkids running around the house today, making noise, pissing me off. I just had to sneak off and pull up a table and write to my best buddy Jeremy. After all, with a good pal at my side like you it doesn't matter how much trouble I get in at home anyway. Happy thanksgiving buddy.

Your Pal,

Cool Everett Koop

P.S. I met Tony Danza in Cincinatti. I got his autograph for you.

(enclosed with the letter was a losing scratch ticket with some scribbled writing on the back, which was apparantly Tony Danza's autograph)