Penpal Letters From C. Everett Koop
In 1986 I was a 4th grader attending John F. Kennedy Elementary School in Blackstone MA. Our teacher had assigned us the task of writing a letter to any member of the U.S. government. Most kids wrote to President Reagan, but I wrote my letter to Surgeon General C. Everett Koop. In response to my only letter I received a letter from the Surgeon General at least twice a month for the next 21 years. I have decided to publish the one sided correspondence in a segment I call:
PENPAL LETTERS FROM C. EVERETT KOOP
November 24, 1986
Dear Jeremy,
Well buddy it's Thanksgiving day and am I ever fucked! Fuckin high school football games! It's my only vice (besides chasing Korean poontang). So I drop 3 grand by 11 o'clock this morning, you know which wouldn't be so bad in itself, but if I don't get that cash back in the bank before my wife mails out the mortgage check, I'm gonna be in the dog house until they cancel Hill Street Blues.
I just dont need this shit this month. I've really been on a tear. I was at a conference in Cincinatti last week, and I run into Lee Iakoka in the hotel lounge. Fuckin prick that guy. So he's sittin there at the bar and I sit down about 3 stools over and order a scotch.Then Iakoka lights up a camel. So I walk over to him and I say "Hey...I'm C. Everett Koop", and he goes "Yeah I know." So I says "then put your fuckin cigarette out, you should know better." He tells me to take a hike. So I respond by picking up an ashtray and smacking him in the ear with it. The ashtray cracks in 2 and Iakoka starts crying like a teenage runaway's first night in the whorehouse. To make a long story short, the bartender calls 911 and I drop $2,800 bribing the Cincinatti PD.
And I put a call in for a little "company" for after the nights festivities. So I get up to the room a little late, and Mai Ling is charging me for the 3 hours that she was waiting.The whole thing was a bust anyway because I was steering the ship but my sails weren't a-hoisting if you catch my drift. Plus she stole my wallet and robbed the mini-bar.Never take your eyes off an Asian broad ,Jeremy, thats the first thing they teach you in the Navy.
So I've been pulling in a little on the side betting on the high school games. you know,the local boys are 7-2, so I figure it's a fuckin lock. I put $500.00 down and the boys are really pulling through. I'm out there in the bleachers drinking some Wild Turkey (it is Thanksgiving, so I was keeping with the spirit), and anyways I start feeling good. Real good. That's when I notice my buddy McCalister, (he's an ex-army colonel and works at the deli- he's a hot shit). Well he's down $800, and asks me for a spot. So I challenge him to an Army Navy wrestling match, winner takes all. So we go behind the bleachers and I give him a TOTAL PUMMELLING. It was a fine thanksgiving workout if I've ever seen one. I didn't have the heart to take his money seeing as how the man was a WWII vet, so I spot him $2,500... and wouldn't you know it, the local boys lose it 28-10. Fuck it. Right Jeremy?
So anyways I got the whole family and the grandkids running around the house today, making noise, pissing me off. I just had to sneak off and pull up a table and write to my best buddy Jeremy. After all, with a good pal at my side like you it doesn't matter how much trouble I get in at home anyway. Happy thanksgiving buddy.
Your Pal,
Cool Everett Koop
P.S. I met Tony Danza in Cincinatti. I got his autograph for you.
(enclosed with the letter was a losing scratch ticket with some scribbled writing on the back, which was apparantly Tony Danza's autograph)
