I don’t want to use that treadmill no more.

By Angelo

My doctor told me my cholesterol was getting too high. He said that eating 6 hotdogs a day and a half gallon of ice cream was a sure way to get a heart attack. So, he suggested I exercise. I used to exercise in high school and ran away quite a bit in Vietnam, but that was a long time ago. So, I went to the local sporting goods store and the sales guy told me to buy the Treadyboy 8000. I wanted to only spend $500, but he promised me the TreadyBoy was the best thing out there. I asked him if it was safe and he said it had plenty of safety features. So, I wrote a check for $13,478 plus tax and the next day it was in my condo. I had them put it in the spare bedroom, since it’s never used. No one comes down here to visit me anymore anyway.

I read the Quick Summary and put on my Holy Cross shorts, my favorite V-neck T-shirt and my white Nike sneakers. After a cigarette, I started the machine. When I turned it on, it said “Hello, Angelo.” It then said, “What course would you like to do today?”. I started to get nervous, but I went ahead and pushed number 1, which is manual. The Machine then said, “You currently weigh 253 pounds.” The tread began moving and I jumped off it and rammed my knee into the wallboard. I was nervous that it knew so much about me. How did it know? It continued to run for about a minute and then said, “Angelo, would you like to continue?”. I immediately unplugged it and crawled out of the room. Just to be safe, I closed the door and put some old boxes and an ironing board in front of the door. Just in case it tries to get out and come after me. I also shut off the circuit breaker for that part of the house, just in case it had some backup power and was listening. I can’t use the bathroom light now because it’s on the same circuit, but that’s ok. Better than having the treadmill spying on me..

It’s been about 3 weeks since I turned it off. I sent a letter to the sporting goods store saying I didn’t want it and that I’d pay for the whole thing if they would just come and get it. They wrote back that they tried to call me, but since I don’t answer my phone, it’s been hard to coordinate. Maybe they’ll come and just take it away. Until then, I’m not going into that room.