Crass Cuisine: Hot Platin' with Jamie Anne's 2007 Halloween Extravaganza
"Hey everybody, welcome to a very special episode of Crass Cuisine: Hot Platin' with Jamie Anne, I'm Jamie Anne, and it's officially a Halloween party in the fuckin' kitchen tonight."
Camera pans back to show that the kitchen consists of a hot plate propped up on an ironing board which is running on a generator outside of a Ford Econoline van.
"As you can see I've renovated the kitchen recently. My fuckin' landlord thought he was clever by boarding up the window outside the fire escape, but fuck that, he won the battle I won the war."
A crowd of misfits standing in the yard of the apartment Jamie Anne was just evicted from (and where the van is currently parked) starts cheering. Nobody is wearing a Halloween costume.
"First things first, let me get into my costume and get this party rockin'"
Jamie Anne opens the side door to the van and climbs in past a large pile of clothes scattered through the back. We can see clothes flying out of the van as we can hear Jamie talking over the generator from inside the van.
"What the fuck....Where the fuck...this is fuckin' bullshit...WOOOAAAAWWW...Come here my pretty!!!"
Jamie Anne jumps out of the side door wearing a cheap rubber devil mask with a lit cigarette hanging out of the breathing hole. She holds a bottle of Robitussin above her head as if it were a victory.
"Aint I just a little devil? ok. First I'm gonna show you all how to make Jamie Annes famous party punch. You can use this for your own Halloween party, or whatever really. I mean, fuckin' A, I used to make this all the time when I used to follow ZZtop. I remember one time I thought I could've swore they played their Tejas album in its entirity, but you know what, it turns out I was actually just in my parents basement watching my little brothers band practice. It was fuckin amazing though. And they usually sucked!!"
"So you start with a bottle of Tussin, any tussin will do. You don't have to go gourmet with this shit.This aint the fuckin' Ritz Carlton. You know what, Fuck this costume I can't fuckin breathe (Jamie takes off the mask and throws it).
Now I know that tussin is good enough on its own but it aint a punch if you don't mix it with something. So you get some good whiskey (jamie pulls up a pint of Aristocrat Whiskey) and just mix and shake. Wah-Lah. Oh you know what...lets really jazz this shit up. If you happen to be on Lithium or can score some lithium, I highly recomend you add it to your punch. First make sure your hot plate is still cold and dump 'em out on it. Then you take out your ID and a dollar and give it one,two,three good crunches until it's nice and powdery, and slip it into your pint.And Wah-Lah again."
A naked man comes running frantically out of the woods while screaming "It's the end of the world...the sky is gonna swallow me!!". The man runs straight into the cameraman knocking him over. The camera now holds an angle sideways on the ground of Jamie Anne who is yelling into the crowd in the backyard.
"Ronnie what the fuck did you give Jake? Hey Ronnie...Hey what the fuck is Jake on? ....MESCALINE!!! And what, you weren't gonna share?!?! Thats fucked up man. I just threw a months worth of Lithium into this punch for everybody and your fuckin' Bogartin the mescalline."
"Calm down Jamie baby I was trying to surprise you thats all."
"Fuckin' Ronnie. Your too good to me. Go ahead and start crushing them on the hot plate I gotta get this show moving already."
The camera man straightens out the camera as Ronnie chops up mescalline on the hot plate.
"Look at my little sioux chef over there. Great job Ronnie!! Now, you just dump the mescalline into the pint and WAH-LAH!! Jamie Annes famous party punch. One part whiskey, one part lithium, one part mescalline and one part Robitussin. All part delicious!! Bottoms up."
Jamie takes a large rip from the pint and passes it to Ronnie. "Now I guess I still gotta cook something else for the show. Chicken Cacciatore maybe...fuck that I don't want to eat nothin'."
Jamie then proceeds to vomit on her sandles. She grabs the ironing board to hold herself up but knocks the ironing board and hotplate onto the ground before she falls flat on her back and proceeds to start laughing hysterically. She then jumps to her feet.
"Shhhh. Everybody shut the fuck up!!.......did you hear that?"
(long pause)
"What?"
"I said shut the fuck up. Do you hear that?"
The crowd stands still with a confused look on there faces, as Jamie stands completely still as if in a deep trance for several minutes.
"Oh shit, I'm in the middle of a fuckin' show aint I. You know what this show could use? Some fuckin' Black Sabbath. Does anybody got any Black Sabbath in there car? Hey I'm fucking talking here!"
Jake comes running back into the frame from out of the woods and knocks the camera man over again.
"The sky is gonna swallow me"
"Jake cool out man. Don't you know the sky has already swallowed you man. Yeah man we've all been swallowed by the sky. We always have been."
"Wow Jamie..thats fuckin heavy."
"I know Jake. I know. now be cool. Just be cool. Just be- (suddenly she puts her devil mask back on) ROOAAARR!!!"
Jake screams and runs back into the woods. The camera straightens out while Jamie lights a cigarette through the breathing hole in her devil mask and walks to the camera.
"Thats all for this episode of Crass Cuisine Hot Platin with Jamie Anne. Join me next week and I'll be making chicken cacciatore."
