When You're Here. You're Family.

Jeremy was clocking out at the Olive Garden he worked at in Spring City, Utah. It was his first day, and he was relieved to be done his 8 hr. shift. He was anxious to go out and have a few drinks in his parent's basement. As he was heading to the door. His boss, Jeff Warren jumped in front of him. "Where you going there Jeremy?" "Home. My shift just ended." "Well, that it did, but don't you want to stay here and hang out with your new family." Jeremy turned around and saw about 15 Olive Garden employees. The men with their arms folded and the woman with kind of dazed look in their eyes. Jeremy felt the pressure and caved, "Yeah, I can hang out..What are we doing?"



Jeff Warren gasps, "Whew. Well, Jeremy we are going to go hang out at the church out behind the building and talk about God. Come along…"



All the employees followed Warren like ducks in a row. Jeremy felt a rub on his back and turned around. It was a young girl, maybe 15, smiling at him with a confused look in here eye. He looked behind her and saw another guy, Luke, kind of poking her in the back like he was pressuring her to do it…



Once they got in the church, Jeff Warren turned off the lights and turned on this laser light show. The organ started playing Haunted House music and a spotlight showed on Jeff Warren, He was on a rising platform with fireworks shooting out from the sides. It was like a KISS concert..



"Thank you my fellow Olive Garden employees. We here understand that when you're here, your family! Let's proceed with the marriage of Gary Fungumun and Lisa Adams. An Applause sign started blinking behind Jeff Warren and the employees all started clapping. Lisa came out in a wedding gown that Jeremy had seen in the Olive Garden stockroom earlier in the night. She was also young, maybe 16. Gary came out. He had Alfredo sauce on his apron and must have been 5o years old. He had a shit-eating grin and grabbed Lisa's hand and pulled her to the front. The organ started playing "Here Comes the Bride" with an amplifier blaring a loud voice saying, "Yooourre Family Noowww." Jeremy thought to himself. "This is fucking creepy." The spotlight shifted to Jeff Warren who had magically made his way to sea level and was reciting strange passages about arks, Ted Kennedy, the Devil, and Pabst Blue Ribbon. Next thing you know, their married. Gary drags Lisa out of the church and everyone claps!!!



Jeff Warren continues, "Ok. A few announcements. Cheslea was seen outside the Olive Garden parking lot after curfew. Cheslea what were you doing at 10:03 last night?



I was following a deer I saw in the woods. I only was across the street..



"ENOUGH\! Fellow Employees, what should we do to Cheslea for her blasphemous act?"



Someone yells out, "Shave her head!"



The men cheer in agreement.



"Shave her head it is!" Jeff Warren yells.



"The girls and guys pounce on her and drag her to the front of the church. Some old hag woman comes out of nowhere with garden shears and starts chopping her hair off. Chelsea complies and remains still while they spray shaving cream on her head and begin shaving her with a disposable razor. When done, Chelsea returns to her seat with everyone else, her scalp bleeding from the shaving.



"In other announcements, we have a new member of our family, Jeremy Wilton who has come here from the big city of Baton Rouge. Let us Welcome Jeremy."



The spotlight shifts to where Jeremy was sitting but he is not there. A window nearby is open, and the Olive Garden employees rush to look out it. They see Jeremy sprinting away."



Jeff Warren cries "Let's get him. Arm yourselves!"



The Olive Garden employees whip out knives, salad tongs, stale breadsticks, and jars of subpar spaghetti sauce.



Jeremy sprints across the street and sees a huge pasta bowl structure, almost the size of a stadium, Its too big to go around. A door straight ahead is his only chance. He opens the door and a encounters a flight of stairs. He runs down the stairwell. And runs, and runs into the darkness. He feels like he is 1000 feet below the street and is out of breath. All of a sudden a voice comes over an apparently installed PA system.



"Jeremy. Jeremy. This is your boss Jeff Warren. Do not run anymore. Youy are in the endless pasta bowl Jeremy. The only way is down into the depths of hell!" "Please join us. You will have lifelong friends, a wife, or 2 or 3 perhaps, and eternal happiness under my discretion/"



Jeremy retorts, "NEVER!"



He continues down the steps and hears a car to his left. He jumps off the stairwell and falls for what seems like forever into a pit. The pit smells of salad dressing and he finds himself somewhat stuck. "What the fuck? He struggles to swim through the lettuce. "Thank god its that cheap iceberg shit." Finallly, he reaches shore. It's still dark all around him, but he feels he is actually on land. He hears farm animals nearby and races towards them. He emerges from the woods and sees a farmhouse in the distance. He gets to the farmhouse and bangs on the door. An old man answers, "My god son, what happened to you?" "Sir, you gotta help me. The owner of the Olive Garden is trying to kill me!!" "What, that crazy bastard. Ok. I'll call the cops. Go sit down in that room over there and lock yourself in. No telling what that crazy bastard will do…



Jeremy catches his breath and runs into the living room and locks the door."He leans down with his back to the door and opens his eyes. There are thousands of lobsters crawling around. The old man's voice comes over a loudspeaker in the room. "Welcome to Spring City, Utah Jeremy. How would you like to work at our fine Red Lobster?"