Rock Stars needed; NO YOKO'S

By Jake J. Pachomski


I am gonna start a band. That's right. I'm gonna play lead guitar and we are gonna rock! Rock is here to stay, baby! All I need is a drummer, rhythm guitarist, and a lead singer. Oh, yeah, and a bassist. We will be called Hot Cross Buns. I already made the T-Shirts with the band emblem on it. It's a picture of a railroad sign near my house. You know, with the yellow X on it? Except, that I put a Betty Boop sticker on the sign with her showing off her ass! How rad is that?



I already got the practice space geared up. My mom's ex-boyfriend Keith lives in this motel that was converted into apartments. He said the room next door was condemned,so last week him and I got plastered on some JD and took a sledgehammer and busted a hole through his kitchen into it. It was pretty nasty in there, but I cleaned it up pretty good. I got rid of all the syringes and milk cartons. I laid some plywood down and ran the electrical through Keith's bathroom through the hole. I figured it's got a ground fault on it for hair dryers, so at least we got some protection once we CRANK IT UP!



Lighting has been a problem. So, I rigged the place with some Coleman Propane lanterns from Walmart though, so we should be good at least 12 hours of nighttime shredding. Let's burn the Midnight Propane, baby!



Keith said I got a toss a nickel bag his way every once in a while to cover the electricity and deal with the complaints he's gonna get from the other tenants. I said no problemo, amigo. He also agreed to manage us once our band gets going just as long as it doesn't interfere with his shift as 7-11..He's good with numbers, I mean he pays his bills on time, he's a cashier and of course, he could always tell my mom how many beers she had to drink before punches were exchanged.



So, I'm pretty much ready to rock. I put out some flyers at the liquor store and various bulletin boards throughout Milfurd. I did that cut up and pull off the bottom of the paper with the number attached action and it has my cell number on it, so people don't even got it write it down. Whoever came up with that rocks!



I been writing some songs, I have about 30 of them almost half done, and one completely done except for the drum solo. One is a Tesla meets Danzig meets Type O Negative, called Vampire Woman, Kiss Me Where the Moon Don't Shine. It's got this bad ass opening riff, like wah-woo-wah-woo-wah-woo-wah-wah-woo..It's fucking mint.



I got another one that's kind of a country-blues tune called, Cash in your Chips, and Swing your Hips. It's got some steel guitar action in the beginning with some foot-stomping beat. I had Keith clapping some irons together and hitting the mouth of some Bud bottles with pencils so I could keep rhythm. I laid that one down on my boom box. I am trying to make it into a ringtone, but I'm not too technical savvy. That'll be our band webmasters job!



Well, that's it for now. I'm just waiting for the phone to ring and start auditions…I'll keep you updated. Rock On!