When I was your Age (Part I)

By Dad


So, what the fuck is wrong with you kids these days? Now, the new craze is energy drinks. First it started with Red Bull. That was a pretty cool alternative, for what do you call them, oh yeah, PUSSIES! Now, they have Spike Shooter being banned from high schools. What a bunch of sissies! Kids can't even handle a fucking can of this shit. When I was your age, we started with Vivarin. We fucking popped 6 or 7 of those badboys and had jitters for two days. Hell, I even took some before I played North Providence. I completed 70% of my passes because of that shit. But that was just the beginning, then we got creative. We started drinking Robitussin. Yeah, that stuff mom gives you when you're whining about having a cough. You get knocked out from two tablespoonfuls, right? Well, what we used to do drink half the fuckin bottle. Yeah, sure it was nasty but it beat looking for a bum to buy us beer and was the cheapest hallucinogenic out there. Right there at your local CVS, 7-11. Anywhere, 24hrs a day, you could get this shit, just like at the store around the corner next to your bus stop. Then they started coming out with like 12 different kinds, Night-time, Cough, Cough and Cold, Cold, etcetera, etcetera. Well, the secret is in the DM, baby. You gotta make sure it's on the back, otherwise it won't work. Go with the name brand shit because that Wal-Tussin crap will make you sick. CVS ain't bad. In fact, that's where it all started. Aisle 15b-Cough and Cold. Oh, the good ole days. Anyway, you stay away from that stuff now, you hear me? And stay away from these energy drinks too. Because if they say it's bad, then it probably is. Ok, buddy? Good talk, pal. Now, the babysitter should be here soon. Mom and I will be out until around 11. Probably gonna score some coke and have sex in that motel down the street after we get some dinner. But, you be in bed and behave, ok? And stay out of our bathroom's medicine cabinet, especially that Tussin stuff. Alright. There's the doorbell, now go get changed. Ok, buddy…