The Adventures of Marty the Meth Addict II: Christmas At the Mall of America

Minnesota is where the good crank is and no better place to find it than at a mall between the twin big ones. Especially with all this crazy holiday shit going on…Hi there kind sir, you got some meth on you? Meth. Methamphetamine. I don't give two shits if you fought in Korea. I am trying to score here man. Am I high? You bet your goddamn veteran ass I am. But I'm going to get high as sly stone. And you ain't gonna be part of nothin' there girlfriend, you hear that? Now go bless America you, you, canteener..Geesh.

Okay. Spencer. Always a good place for meth. Hey what's this? A fly in an ICE cube. WOW! Did I say a fly in an ICE cube? You got some? Cool. Where at? To the stockroom? You work here? No? Sweet..

Man they got some weird shit back here. Puff Puff. Oh yeah, that's the one. Marty Dog is in TOWN! Hey, hand me that Gorilla mask right there. Check this out. Roar….I'm Marty the Gorilla. Rooarrr. He-he-he.

Oh, hello officer, mall guy security person.. Nothing going on back here. No, I don't want any trouble…Hey, ya know, my cousin is a mall security guard down in Athens, Georgia. Dave Bryant. No…I think his name is Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Donnie Bryant.. Down in Georgia. At a mall. In Athens. No, Macon. You know him? No? Are you sure? Tall guy, kinda overweight too, plays the harp…Come with you!!? Um, sure, just let me get up here..….I'M BOLTIN" BIATCH….Marty's on the run!!! Excuse me-excuse me. Get out of the way. Roaaarrr….

Can't get this fucking mask off…Fuckin Glued on..FUCKING CHEAP TAIWANESE GORILLA MASKS!…Excuse Me….Oh, looks like the only way away from him is across the ice skating rink. Slide Gorilla Slide!!! Raaahhhh!!!!! Get outta my way you little bastards. Don't shoot that puck at me..The sign says no hockey you little....Ohhhh,you better not, whoaaaa.. What a save!!!! Ha-Ha!!! Teen Wolf 3,starring Marty the Goaltending Gorilla!!!! Move out of my way. Rooaarr!! What are you looking at? Haven't you ever seen Gorillas on Ice? Tell your momma to take you sometime.

Ok made it across. Gotta hide somewhere. Flight simulator? In a mall?It's my only shot. Oh, shit the cops are getting neaaar!. Hey man, how much to ride this thing? $5 bucks! Are you crazy? I can't take this mask off, it's glued on. Here. Let me in. How long does thing last? 15 minutes. Ok cool….. Fucking Marty the fighter pilot. Yeahhh baby, let's send this bitch up!!! Don't shhh me, You be quiet...Whoaa. Takeoff baby! Oh, this thing really moves around!! Whooaaahh! Oh shit, We're gonna crash!!! I'm sorry for all my sins! Whew. Uh-oh, I don't feel so good. Oh No…Ughh…Let me outta here. Rooarrrhh.I'm puking. Let me out of here. The puke is in my mask. I'm gonna drown in my own puke!!! Ecckkkk. Please. Oh thank you. I can't breathe…Help me. Rip off this mask. Please. On 3? Ok, I'm ready. 1,2,Ahhhh!!!!. Oh my gothe!!!. My lips. They're gone. Where my lipth? Oh they're bleeding. Oh the copsth, the COPSth!! Gotta go…

Dress Barn. They'll never find me in here. Let me just hide inside one of these shirt racks. Woof. Safe. ..I guess I'll just light up right here!!! He-he-he!!! Oh yeah. High and calm. High and calm. Who's this looking at shirts? Oh shit, some fat bitch with kankles. Don't panic. Oh, no, don't move the XXLs… Oh Hello mam, How can I help you? What am I doing in here? I work in here. Yes, mam, sure do. The Dress Barn customer service counter has been moved inside this round shirt rack. Do you have any exchanges? Security? Oh no you don't, you fat bitch….Oww! Stop that! That hurts! I gotta get outta here…I'm claustrophobic. It's tight in here! There's a lot of shirts on me woman. Somebody Help! Help!

I'm stuck. Fuck it!!!! I'll just take the whole rack with me….Hrrrrr. Hrrrr…What are you looking at? Never seen a walking Dress Barn rack before? I'm on sale everybody!!! Marty's on sale…Everything is on sale. He-He-He…. Gotta get this thing off me. Can't see anything!!! Oww!!! Oh, hello Santa. Hey. Mind if I sit on your lap while those coppers run by? Good.

Well, it's been a while since I left you milk and cookies. Sorry about that. But I would like a round trip Greyhound bus ticket to see my buddy Rex over in St. Louis. He's got a mad meth lab there that'll make all your reindeers noses red. He-he-he. That way you can get rid of that gay ass Adolf one.

Excuse me elf, getting kinda hungry here. My problem? What's your problem? Oh, so you think that Candy Cane is going to hurt me. C'mon little man. I'm 6' tall and 115 pounds. I'll crush you. Oh, so you're gonna be like that huh? Oww. Hey! Get off me! Help! Somebody help Marty! Get these elves off me!

Don't hit me in the mouth man. I'm sorry man. I only got two teeth left man…Oh no.. Arrrhh. Oh, my mouth. The candy cane hit me wight in the mouth. My teef, dere gone again..Oh god. Oh Santa. I'm sorry, so sorry.. I changed my mind. All I want for Cwristmas is my two front teeth. Pwease man. I can't eat anything man.
Wait, what's this? A gift for me?. Can I open it? A bag of Meth? Oh, thanls Santa. I knew Santa was real. Do you remember last Christmas Eve? I saw you looking for last minute gifts in a trash barrel in South Richmond. That wasn't you? It looked like you. He had a red hat on and everything.

Oh man! Yes! Well, here come the cops…Thank you again Santa. Mewwy Cwistmas Ewebody! Now get on this sleigh cuz Marty is gonna make it fly!!! Right after Saint Marty goes behind the manger and has a quick smoke, he'll take all you kids up, ok? Ho-Ho Everyone! Have a Marty Christmas!

"To the Tune of Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer"

Marty the Meth Addict,
Had a very runny nose,
From snorting all manmade chemicals,
Also known as pseudo- blow,

All of the other meth heads,
Would leave Marty behind,
So Marty took on the streets,
Snorting anything he could find.

But Then one foggy Christmas eve,
Santa came to say:
"Marty with so many lesions on your face,
Would you go headfirst down the fireplace?"

So, next time you're drinking your egg nog,
At your work holiday party,
Start off a conversation,
About the Adventures of Marty.