Rufus and Me

Have you ever heard the saying that when you wish upon a star your dreams come true? Well I have. And I always did believe it. But you know, the one time that a dream of mine did came true, this shooting star flew by me so fast, I didn't even have time to make a wish. Funny how things work like that.

You see one night I was having a few cocktails with my fiance Ronnie, you know down at the Miller Time Pub. Well Ronnie was really in one of his moods because he doesn't like it when I sing along to the jukebox. But if he doesn't want to hear me singing then he shouldn't have put so much Boyz2Men in that damned jukebox.

So wouldn't you know that son of a bitch walked over to the other side of the bar and starts hittin on this ho-bitch-skank-ass-ho named Jamie Anne. So I walk over to him and say "Just what the hell do you think your doing with this tramp, Ronnie James Diotardo?"

So without even enough class to look away from the fast cash ticket she was scratching away at, that strung out bitch said to me "Where's that clapping sound coming from? your cunt?"

So I pull my pepper spray out of my purse and say "Bring it Bitch."

Well she reaches into this carton of Parliaments she carries with her and pulls out this weird contraption built out of a band aid box that apparantly was a working gun.

"Look, I was the craftiest broad in over 4 county lockup's honey, so don't fuck with me."Jamie Anne said to me.

Well that was enough to throw me over the edge. So I stormed out the back door to have a cigarette and pop a Klonopin to calm my nerves.Wouldn't you know it, my pill case was empty.

"Ronnie you son of a bitch...I could just kill you sometimes" that greedy bastard stole my entire stash of Klonopin and here I was, nerves racing like a rocket.

Just then this flash came across the sky. It was the most glorious shooting star I'd ever seen, followed by a loud crash. Then from the field behind the parking lot I could hear a high pitch voice, like a little boy, calling out for help.

I ran to the field and saw the most wonderful thing I ever did see in my whole life laying right there in the tall grass. It was a giant Klonopin, almost four feet tall and three feet wide. And it had arms and legs, and a face - perhaps the most sweetest face I ever did see. And his feet were broken off at the heels.

"Well Hi there" It said to me. "The names Rufus. Sure is Dandy to meetcha"

"You can talk!!" I said in return."What are you?"

"I'm a Klonopin. Aint you ever seen a Klonopin before?"

"Well I aint exactly seen a giant talking Klonopin that shot out of the sky before."

"Hee-Hee-Hee,Gee you're funny. Mind helping me up. It seems my feet have broken off at the nubs."

"Are you're feet made out of Klonopin too?"

"Why sure they are. I'm 100% pure Klonopin. The driven snow aint got shit on me."

"What are you doing here?"

"I was sent here to tell people to just mellow out. Everything's gonna be cool. No need to sweat the small stuff, no need to sweat the big stuff either.So just mellow on out now."

"Maggie baby what the hell you doing in that field?" I could hear Ronnie yell. I quickly grabbed both of Rufus's Klonopin feet and shoved them into my purse.

"Ronnie you owe me an apology GodDamnit!!"

Ronnie jumped into his fiero and stormed off without a word, and I knew this was my chance for Rufus and me to make a safe escape.

We went back to my house and I decided it be best that I don't tell Ronnie about Rufus, seeing as how he'd just eat his head and all. So I set Rufus up with a bed underneath my sewing machine. I figured Ronnie wouldn't look there. At first I was concearned that Rufus wouldn't be comfortable, but it turns out when your 100% Klonopin, you can sleep just about anywhere.

Since I demanded an apology from Ronnie, I knew he'd be away on a bender for at least 8 days. So over the next few days Rufus and me had just a grand ol' time. And after weighing his feet, I realized that I had come into 3 pounds of pure Klonopin. But most special of all was the bond that Rufus and me were sharing.

"Maggie?"

"C'mon now Honey, you know I like it when you call me Mama."

"Oh yeah,...Mama?"

"Yes baby."

"What did you do with my feet?"

"Well don't you worry about your feet baby, Mama's just making some new booties for 'em that's all."

"But I've been sittin' at the sewing machine for 6 days now, and I aint seen you power it up once. Seem's little peculiar that's all. Unless you got another sewing machine. Ahh, you know what? Fuck it. No worries. I aint worried. I'm mella fuckin' yella. A little tired maybe, but thats cool too."

As Rufus drifted into his 8th nap of the afternoon, I had drifted into the worlds greatest guilt trip. I was starting to realize that I was no better than Ronnie for stealing my baby's Klonopin. And after washing down my last ginormous fist sized chunk of Klonopin with my special Klonopin based Tang I invented, I decided it was time to fess up. Well first I needed a nap, but then I would fess up.

I walked over to Rufus who sleeping under the sewing machine and give him a little push to wake him. He began talking in his sleep.

"Oh you want to run huh? Run all you want bitch but I'm taking you down."He said before suddenly waking.

"Baby what were you dreaming about?" I asked

"Same thing I always dream about. I was chasing cocaine. It was an old job of mine back in the late '80s...hey what's wrong Mama?"

"Well, it's just that...I ate your feet. I'm real sorry."

"Wow.No shit huh. You ate my feet? Fuck it, no worries."

A wave of sweet relief ran through my body when Rufus forgave my poor behaviour. However, the feeling was quickly followed by panic when I realized I was once again without Klonopin. I had an idea. I didn't like it, but I had to do what I had to do.

"You know what you need baby? A HAIRCUT!!"

"No, that's cool. I just feel like chillin tonight."

But before he knew it, I through a towel around him and began scraping away the top of his head with a boxcutter. And sure I felt a little greedy, shaving the top of his head completely flat, but he did look handsome. Just like my brother Lonnie. You know, the one in the Air Force. And even though Rufus screamed in terror the whole time, I figure it was a win-win.

"Baby, look how handsome Mama made you look." I said as I gathered up my new stash. "Now Mama's gotta go make some fresh Tang." I said as I walked out of the room.

As I was washing down a fresh new chunko'Klonopin I heard screaming coming out of the other room. I ran into see what was going on and there was Ronnie. Sure enough, he was chomping away at Rufus's head, just like I knew he would. That no class son of a bitch.

"Ronnie get the hell away from my Klonopin."I yelled.

With a mouth full of yellow powder he told me to quit my yappin'.Thats when I grabbed his shotgun.

"I mean it Ronnie, now you leave Rufus alone."

'Watcha gonna do? You gonna shoot me?"

"Hey, chill out everybody" Rufus protested " No reason to get worked up. Everybody just cool on out now."

"Goddamn I gotta eat some more of that thing." Ronnie said.

Well that did it. I was gonna blow that mother's head off. I pointed the shotgun right at Ronnie's head.

"I warned you Ronnie. See you in hell you son of a bitch!!"

I pulled the trigger and a loud blast came out of the barrell as the shotgun bucked into my shoulder. I missed Ronnie completely and hit Rufus square in the center of what was left of his head. A giant cloud of yellow powder splattered back onto my face, as the fragile remains of his body fell onto the floor and shattered into dust.

Ronnie jumped for joy like he just hit the lotto as I fell to my knees and wept with a pain I aint never felt before.

When the dust settled I told Ronnie not to bother getting my engagement ring off of layaway and we went our seperate ways. I don't know whatever happened to him and I don't care.

As for me, I moved to Alaska to get a fresh start. But not a day goes by that I don't think about my sweet little Rufus. In fact the happiest days of my life were when it was just Rufus and Me.