So I Think I'm Gonna Start Doing Steroids

By Elliott "Brock" Ruzetti

So I think I'm gonna start doing steroids. Now I know you're probably thinking thats a bad idea right? It's common knowledge that steroids can be detrimental to ones health. Well I'm gonna start doing A LOT of steroids, so I won't be gambling my health away for nothing, so don't worry about it.And when I say A LOT of steroids, I mean a real shit load of steroids. Like enough to kill a horse. And not your average horse either, I'm talking about killing a fuckin' Clydsdale. I think it's a great idea. The best I've had in a while actually.

So now you're probably thinking to yourself, 'hey Elliott, why do you even want to use steroids? You don't work out. You're not into sports. In fact you don't even really lead a very active lifestyle'.Well that's not true at all. I don't ever use the elevator at work. I huff it all the way to the 3rd floor everyday (except on the way in, but thats because I'm usually carrying a coffee and I'm not one for stains)

And besides that, it's a very simple reason; power. It's like this you see, I was at work today and as I was walking to the crapper I passed the copy machine and I threw a fake jab at it. Then I thought to myself, if I really took a good jab at the copy machine, I mean really tighten my shoulders and lean my body weight into it, I could probably fuck that copy machine up. I'd probably loosen a few components inside of it, maybe knock the side panel right out of its chasis. But if I were on steroids!! I could just smash the copy machine with one light jab (of course I wouldn't throw a light jab, - not my style) and cause the entire thing to buckle like a re-enforced card house that was assembled in an overseas manufacturing facility.

And I wouldn't stop there. No sir. If I had the power that I really would like to have I could walk down the stairwell that leads to the vending machine and I could rip out the entire steel hand rail and swing it around. Let people know how bad ass I am. Then everyone would call me Brock, like I want them to (I haven't really asked anyone to start calling me Brock yet-I'm a little self conscience, and I'm not sure how the people in the office would take it). But if I were to rip out the steel hand rail like it was nothing, well then they'd all be like ' Fuckin A' Brock is a powerhouse. He should be a crime fighter or a bouncer.'

Of course I haven't told my wife about any of this so keep all this on the DL. She's probably not going to be cool with the roid rage that I'll inevitably go through, but she'll get used to it. I figure it'll be like anything else. You start a new endeavor and your family just has to deal with an adjustment period. It's just that the adjustment period for this endeavor might involve smashing the kitchen floor with the toaster oven until either the chord comes off or it falls completely through the hole in between the kitchen and the drop ceiling in the basement that I'll be creating with the toaster oven itself. Either way it'll be worth it when I'm so powerful that I can punch my way through a public mailbox, say if she were to drop off a netflix rental but then changes her mind and wants to keep it another night.

The more I think about it the better the idea sounds. I really should get started with this. The only thing is I don't really know where to get any steroids, so I'm gonna try some old tricks. Like when I was in high school and I wanted to get some beer, I used to hang out outside of liquor stores and ask people if they'd buy for me. I figure that will probaly work if I hang out at gyms. The thing is though is that most gyms require a membership and a contract and all that shit, and I'm not really into working out, so just like high school I'm just gonna hang out in the parking lot until I score a good 'roid hook-up.

Yes sir now that I've really thought this thing through, theres no doubt in mind this is a great idea. In fact, I can't think of a single reason not to start doing steroids.

Catch ya on the flipside,

Brock