Liferaft

In the year 2008 the world that knew me saw me vanish forever. I went on a great voyage that would diminish heroes and break better men than I.

Lost at sea for thirteen cruel days, I kept not only the calendar, but the remaining shreds of my sanity by recording my thoughts and experiences in a journal.

My friends, I share with you my story, fragmented as it is, from the few pages I was able to salvage from the voyage.

Day 1

The unmerciful afternoon sun brought me a rude awakening, accompanied by an unwanted combination of terror and hangover. Without yet opening my eyes, I had deducted that I was on a life raft in the Ocean. That smell of rubber with the salt water breeze, and the sound of the waves were all too real to face. As I lay with my eyes closed, praying I was simply having a nightmare, it began to occur to me that I was not alone.

"Hello there friend. We were wondering if you were going to be joining us today!!" The familiar stranger yelled to me from the other side of the raft. He was a strong burly man with a well groomed dark beard, dressed completely in faded blue denim. He sat on a bucket marked Oxyclean and he was eating a military style Meal Ready to Eat; the industrial looking package of this meal gave the appearance that this product would better suit a hardware store clerk than a soldier.There were several boxes of rations next to him. He seemed not even concearned to be in an un-sea worthy vessell drifting aimlessly.

Next to him was a well dressed portly gentleman who seemed 6 days deep into a 9 day drunk.

"Where the fuck am I?" I asked

"Who knows.The Atlantic? The Pacific maybe?" he replied in a very familiar voice with tremendous volume.

"If lucky, I am on way back to Russia!!" replied the old drunk in poor broken English.

The man in denim let out a loud billowing laugh, and gripped the old man firmly on his upper shoulder as a gesture of fondness; he let out a long powerful breath from his nose as he smiled and chewed his food.

"I have no idea how I got here." I said

"Neither do I. How 'bout you Boris?" he then gestured his head as if to introduce the drunk as Boris before continuing"No, the last thing I can remember was stopping at a bar in Detroit, ordering a whiskey sour and then WHAM, I was pistol whipped by the bartender. After that, I woke up in the raft, and you guys were here too."

"Thats crazy."I said as I pondered the last thing I remembered. "Yeah, I went into a bar in Woonsocket Rhode Island and I only had about 2 beers. I think somebody rufied me. Do you think thats what happened? I mean who did this, are they trying to kill us?"

As I put the pieces together it became clear that I knew who these guys were.A wave of paranoia shook me to the core.

"Wait a minute. I know you guys. Who are you and how do I know you?"

"Well I don't know. Have you watched much T.V. in your life?"He asked as he wrestled a grin from busting out of the side of his mouth " I'm Billy Mays!!" he boldly declared.

I sat puzzled. I knew his face, and now I knew his name, but I still didn't know who he was. The look of perplexity on my face forced his smile to fade.

"You know Billy Mays. I sell Oxyclean, and Mighty Putty!!"

"You're that dude who yells." I said as it came to me."And who is Boris."

Boris replied swiftly "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!!"

"My names Mike. Mike Cartier." I replied

"You said you're from Rhode Island, Mike? Are you Mike Cartier from Cumberland, Rhode Island.?" Billy asked

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

"You ordered some Oxyclean in 2005." He then knocked on the oxyclean bucket he was sitting on." You wanna buy some more?"

Billy stared at me with his trademark smile, and I realized he must have one twisted sense of humor. I never thought he was serious. I let out a loud laugh, and was joined by Boris who laughed so hard he began weezing.

"You are funny man, Billy Mays." Boris said as he pulled a handle of Vodka from behind him and passed it around.

We drank straight vodka through the afternoon and sang traditional Russian sailing songs that, oddly enough, Billy taught us.

As nightfall approached Billy gave me another sales pitch to buy the tub of Oxyclean. I kindly declined, telling him I didn't really need it out here.

"Well if you change you're mind, you know where to find me." He said as he lay down in the raft using the Oxyclean bucket as a pillow. He drift into a deep sleep rather quickly.I found it odd that he slept with one eye open.

Day 2

I was the first to wake this morning, still hung over, still lost at sea, and now painfully hungry. I had decided to check out the box of rations and get my first meal in days. As I tried to open the box, I was startled by Billy's foot stepping on the box before I had the chance to open it.

"What are you doing Mike?"

"I'm gonna eat. I'm starving."

"You didn't buy my Oxyclean, is that right?"

"What's that got to do with anything."

"Well, when you buy my tub of Oxyclean, I'll throw in a months supply of Meals Ready to Chow. This is a limited time offer Mike and supplies ARE limited."

"Quit fucking around Billy I need to eat" I said

"Does this look like I'm fucking around?"

He was pointing a flare gun in my face.

"Easy Billy. Just put the gun down man."

"I do the sales pitching around here buddy. Now sit down and buy the goddamn Oxyclean."

"I'll sit down Billy...but I'm not buying your Oxyclean."I said

I slowly backed myself away and took a seat in my normal space in the raft. Billy took his place sitting back on the Oxyclean tub and kept the flare gun pointed at me.

Boris awoke deshevelled and confused to find us in this predicament.

"Boris, help me." I pleaded.

Boris let out a menacing laugh which was very hoarse from a dangerously dehydrated throat and said" I need my breakafeest now."

Billy reached in to a box and threw Boris a fresh pint of Vodka, which he cracked open immediately, and pulled a hearty rip from.

"You're gonna point a gun at me for not buying your Oxyclean but you're feeding Boris fresh vodka?" I protested

"FUCK YOU I BUY THE MIGHTY PUTTY!!"Boris snapped back at me.

I knew that I was in real trouble now, but I had nearly a full tub of Oxyclean at home, and I really wasn't amazed with it. There was no way I'd let Mays sucker me again.


Day 5
The day came and went in agony. Mays ate 6 of his Meals Ready to Chow while pointing the flare gun at me, and Yeltsin stayed on a strict diet of vodka. I'd like to say the tension was caused by silence, but in reality Billy would not shut the fuck up. He pitched everything he could think of; Oxyclean, Mighty Putty, Hercules Hooks, Zorbeez cloths, Samurai Sharks. All of it complete shit.I will not buy ANYTHING from him. I may be deprived of nutrients, but depriving Billy Mays of a sale gives me strength.


Day 9

A cargo ship passed the life raft tonight. It was only about 100 yards away from us, just far enough that the crew wouldn't be able to see us in the dark.Billy and I were in our usual standoff positions, he was putting the flare gun at me, and I was too weak from hunger to even lift my head anymore.

"Game over Mays. Just fire off the flare. It's over. Oh thank God it's over."

"Over? Oh it's not over until you're completely WOW'ed by our amazing new offer, Mike. But you do need to act now because for a very limited time, if you purchase this single tub of Oxyclean, I'll go ahead and throw in a bonus flare launch which will upgrade you're COMPLETE NAUTICAL ADVENTURE to that CARGO SHIP BEHIND ME!!"

"Fuck you Mays. Just fire the flare."

"Mike, I would LOVE to fire the flare. Theres nothing better than giving a customer a great deal, but Mike, I can't shoot the flare if you don't buy the Oxyclean. Sorry, I really wish I could, but I don't make the rules. Now I do suggest that you act fast and BUY NOW."

"YOU'RE CRAZY"

The ship was beginning to pass us. The entire time this was happening Boris was out cold, not even waking from the large waves that were crashing into the raft. I attempted to wake him for help.

"BORIS GET UP" I screamed. But he never even moved.

"Sorry to tell you this Mike, but Boris here would sleep through a vodka riot right now. He can't help you."

"BORIS!!" I yelled. I mustered up enough strength to crawl over to Boris and slap him in the face.

"I SLIPPED HIM A RUFIE MIKE!!"

Mays was wide eyed and laughing sadistically. Taunting me as he saw the pieces come together for me mentally. He laughed histerically, his jaw dropped wide, belly shaking, as he wiped a tear from his cheek.

I dropped to the floor of the raft and watched my ship sail on by.

Day 11

There are only 2 of us left on the raft. Just Billy and I. When I woke up this morning, Boris was gone. When I asked Billy what he did to Boris he told me he could not divulge customer information. He would not say anymore, and I did not have the will to question him anymore.

Day 12

I awoke at sunrise to find Billy Mays, now shirtless and rubbing Oxyclean on his face like warpaint.

"You better fucking buy something from me." Billy demanded

"Not gonna happen."

Billy put the lid back on the Oxyclean.

"Well thats a shame." He said. He then fiercely swung the tub at me and struck me in the head. "KABOOM!! YOU WANT SOME MORE!!??!!" He beat me severely for several minutes with the Oxyclean bucket until I was unconcious.

I awoke late in the evening and Billy was gone. He took the Oxyclean and the Meals Ready to Chow with him.

Victory was mine. And now I am ready to die in peace.

Day 13

I was rescued by a coast guard vessel off the Gulf of Mexico. I was taken onboard and given emergency medical treatments before being turned over to a hospital in St Petersburg Florida. Whenever I try to tell anyone about Billy and what he had done to me, they are quick to brush it off as mental trauma. Too much sun they say.

6 Months from Day 1



It wasn't until I took Melissa (the nurse from the hospital at St. Pete's) out on a harbor cruise today that I finally convinced someone that the torment I endured was real. As we cruised the harbor and enjoyed a few drinks, Melissa suddenly let out a gasp.



"Mike!! LOOK!! It's Billy Mays."



As I looked over the side of the deck I saw a Liferaft floating in the bay, and sure enough, there was Billy tormenting an elderly couple. It was a bit off into the distance but from what I saw, Billy had the old man gripped by his shirt and was screaming in his face. I would have thought this site would bring back the terror, but instead I just had to laugh.



"AHHHH, THAT'S MY BILLY"