Willy Pfizer and the Boner Factory;Chapter 4

We here at 3orangewhipples would like to report that we were unable to get legal authorization to release our first full length novel; "Willy Pfizer and the Boner Factory". However we are able to release our favorite segments. We would like to share with you chapter 4 of this great tale with you all. Enjoy...


Charlie walked into the Rite Aid at the end of his disappointing week. He was stilled crushed from the news of the last golden boner making Viagra being discovered just 2 days before, ending the contest to win a tour of the Pfizer factory from Willy Pfizer himself.

Old man Sorrenson came to the counter of the pharmacy to greet him.

"Well hello there Charlie. Can I get you something?"

Charlie looked at the spare tips he had left from his paper route and found that he only had 5 dollars.

"I guess I'll just take a generic Prozac." He said, before handing over his weeks spending money.

"Very well, that will be 5 even. Have a good day. And remember...if you tell anyone that I sell pills without scripts I'll break your fuckin' rib's."

He walked out into the grey day, hoping the generic Prozac would lift his spirits. After all, when youre a 38 year old paperboy you need all the help you can with that.

It was then that a fateful breeze blew a 50 dollar bill right into his hand. What a lucky day Charlie thought.

"Charlie, your back"old man Sorrenson said with a look of surprise. "Look if you came for your money back, tough shit."

"No, No. I want something else."He replied as he showed the pharmacist the fresh 50 dollar bill.

"Well then. How about a good old fashion Viagra." The pharmacist said with a friendly smile.

He handed Charlie a Viagra in exchange for the 50 and Charlie was back on his way home to rub one out in the tool shed, when suddenly he witnessed a great commotion in the streets in front of old man Durhams television shop.

"Whats going on" Charlie asked a stranger in the street.

"The last golden boner was a fraud. The guy just spraypainted his dick. The magic Viagra is still out there. Theres still a chance to win a tour of the Pfizer factory from Willy Pfizer HIMSELF!!"

It was then that Charlie felt very excited. VERY EXCITED. He felt something coming over him as his pants tightened and his posture declined. Without being able to take the pressure he found himself unzipping right there in the street.

"AAHHHH"he sighed in relief "My boys can breathe"

"HE'S GOT THE GOLDEN BONER" A woman yelled out."GET HIM. SNAP IT OFF!!"

Charlie suddenly found himself in the center of a crazed mob. Just then old man Sorrenson pulled him out.

"Run Charlie. Run all the way home and don't let anyone touch that golden boner of yours."

Charlie sprinted down the street with a shit eating grin on his face and a bright gold boner wabbling out of his trowsers. He ran past the Botanical Garden shop, the laundrymat, Hank's Kitchen Emporium, past Garfield Avenue and straight into his little shack where all 4 of his grandparents had been in the same bed since they were 25 years old and yelled with great excitement...

"I DID IT, I DID IT. I GOT THE LAST GOLDEN BONER!!"

His grandparents stared at him like he had finally lost his marbles, and Grandpa Joe chimed in...

"Your pulling our boners Charlie. The last magic Viagra was found. The contest is over."

"NO, NO. It was a fake and I found some money and I bought a viagra and look...MY BONER IS GOLD."

"My goodness Charlie, IT IS GOLD!!"

It was then that Grandpa Joe burst into song...

"I never thought that I would see...
A big yellow boner is big as a tree...
As thick as a 14 karot brick, that noone could ever mine,

'Cause I gotta Golden Boner....
I gotta Golden Boner in my eye..."

As he stood to dance for the first time over a 1/2 century he was greeted by immense hostility from his 38 year old grandson with a golden boner still hanging out.

"HOLD THE FUCKIN' PHONE OLD MAN. You mean to tell me you can fuckin WALK?!?! I've been busting my ASS selling papers since I was 8 years old while you stayed in bed for 68 years!!"

Suddenly Grampa Joe pushed Charlie against the wall and grabbed him by the throat with immense strength.

"Listen you little fuck, your taking me to the Pfizer factory or I'm gonna kick your FUCKIN' ASS!!!"