If Google wants to be her father, then Google can be her father
By Larry Gotellini
My daughter doesn't bother with me anymore. She used to be my little girl. Always hanging out at the shop with her grandfather and I. I'd take her down to the playground off of Pleasant St. and push her on the swing. But not no more. She ain't got time for her old man. Now, I'm just some dumb guinea she sees every now and then packing money away for when she goes to college. Ever since that Google came into her god damn life. She used to ask me questions like, "Daddy, why do the stars come out at night.?" I'd say, "Because the sky is where your dreams light up." Now, that damn google told her something about astronomy and the big band theory and physics and shit. Well, that's just fine. She didn't even ask her mother about the birds and the bees. I bet Google told her about everything.. I used to run the show around here. I was the know-it-all. I had all the answers and if you had a question, I was the man to ask. Now, she comes in here- a 15 year old smart ass. I couldn't find a part for my classic mustang. I thought it was the intake gasket. No, Miss Smarty Pants comes up here and tells me it was the gear box I was using. Ordered the part and everything. Did she work on that car for 17 years, caring for it, preserving it? No. Google just waltzes right in and takes over. All those diapers and stupid cartoons I had to go through. Google didn't do any of that. Nothing. He just sits there and thinks he's hot shit. I oughta give him a punch in the jaw! When she got caught shoplifting at Caldor, did Google go pull some strings and get the security guard to set her free. No. He's a pansy. I am the tough guy that threatened the security guard's wife with a crowbar.
The only time my little girl talks is at dinner when she just happens to pop in for Larry's own secret spaghetti recipe(Good luck making that Google!). Like the other day, she's like "Brian caught suspended for bringing Ecstasy in school. He's so cute but such a troublemaker." What the hell is Ecstasy anyway?. Hang on a sec here, E-C-S-T-A-S-Y (click). Hmmm. WHOA! Drugs! What the? Oh wow. "Hey Laura. LAURA! Our daughter knows this kid that sells this drug that sounds like a mix of shrooms and Viagara. Yeah. What? I don't know. He doesn't sell that shit no more…..Is that her? Hey you. Yeah, come here. Who's this Brian fella? I want you to stay away from him. Doing drugs. You're grounded. What did you say? Did you learn that from Google you little brat? I want you stay away from him too. No more. From now on, you're under my watch. Now, go to your room. Yes, you can use your computer. It's educational. No magazines or books though. That romance garbage you read. And NO CELL PHONE!"
Well, there you have it. I guess this Google ain't the man of the house after all. Larry's in charge now.
