Not without my Roomba

"Look at 'em go. He's got a future in NASCAR I tell you..What a horse!!! Got his old man's heart. Not like you Jerry, you deadbeat loser.You're a softy like all your cousins. Not my nephews, I say. That's all your mothers screwed up DNA, just like you.Not my new little buddy J.R. here though... he's a sportsfan ANY father can be proud of!! J.R. got his daddy's good looks too. Don't Ya? I thought so. How about a steak little fella? Medium-rare, right?How 'bot a little bit a that extra juice on the side? Goddamn, just look at him. Jerry here's a hot dog."



"Linda, how about kicking Jerry out of his room and making some room for J.R. He's been with us long enough that he shows a responsibility our son Jerry doesn't have. I'll put a coat of fresh paint on the walls too. !"



"Jerry, you gotta move into the garage. Now git yer stuff and get moving. J.R.'s gotta go to sleep soon or his battery will die."



"Fucking Roomba. I hate that thing." Jerry had been verbally abused since his dad got the robotic vacuum. All the medals Jerry won in football, the honor roll, none of it mattered. His dad loved the Roomba more than him.



"You hear that Son! J.R. just finished cleaning the house! Yells Jerry's dad as he points to his nemesis, the Roomba. "God damn thing does more than you!. We're going out for a couple of beers. You stay here and watch your sister.



Jerry's dad stormed out with the Roomba following him.



The phone rings an hour later. Jerry picks up, "Zouuuuuuuu"" "Haha, Jerry , that's the Roomba telling you to fuck off. We're loaded! Boy can J.R. drink. Takes after his old man.! Did I ever tell you that your outta my will. That's right. Ol' Roombie is in there now. He gets the house and the Mercedes. " Click.



The phone rings again. "Jerry can you vacuum the hallway. I'm gonna give J.R. the night off. He's too drunk anyway. He might run into a wall or something and you know he ain't covered by my insurance. We'l l be home right after we go to the titty bar."



"Hey Jerry, can you come pick us up? Turns out J.R. is quite the ladies man. We picked up some babes but J.R.'s dust bin got filled up with the 'pubes, know what I'm saying? Nevermind. You couldn't find this place anyway, you dumb shit."



The next morning Jerry walked into the kitchen and his dad and the Roomba were cuddled together beneath a case of Bud. Jerry had enough. He picked up the sledgehammer from the garage and went into he kitchen. He had a rage he had never felt before. As he came in the front, his dad was standing there.



"Now, what do you think you're doing with that, boy?" I hope you ain't gonna do something you'll regret. Because I regret every second I have to look at your miserable face. As the tears ran down Jerry's face, his feet go knocked out from under him and he fell on his ass.



"That's right J.R.. Knock his pansy ass down! J.R. continued to ram Jerry in the mouth and nuts. J.R. kept coming. Jerry got to his feet and grabbed J.R. and brought him in the backyard. He threw the Roomba into their aboveground pool."



"Nooooo!!!" yelled Jerry's dad. He dove in the pool and swam underwater. 2 minutes later he came up with the Roomba. ?HE placed on the lawn and called 911. "HELP! NO! HELP!. He tried CPR but it was of no use. J.R. was gone.



"My only son! My only son! Not like this..Not like this.."



Jerry's dad filed charges against his son but they did not hold up in court. Jerry and his dad do not speak to this day.



J.R. is buried in Overhill Cemetary with an empty plot next to him for Jerry's dad. His dad thought about cremating him, but that's not what J.R. would have wanted since he would become the very thing he vacuumed. So, he was buried with an empty plot beside him reserved for Jerry's dad. The Roomba's headstone reds "J.R. , sucked up life, one room at a time."

If Google wants to be her father, then Google can be her father

By Larry Gotellini

My daughter doesn't bother with me anymore. She used to be my little girl. Always hanging out at the shop with her grandfather and I. I'd take her down to the playground off of Pleasant St. and push her on the swing. But not no more. She ain't got time for her old man. Now, I'm just some dumb guinea she sees every now and then packing money away for when she goes to college. Ever since that Google came into her god damn life. She used to ask me questions like, "Daddy, why do the stars come out at night.?" I'd say, "Because the sky is where your dreams light up." Now, that damn google told her something about astronomy and the big band theory and physics and shit. Well, that's just fine. She didn't even ask her mother about the birds and the bees. I bet Google told her about everything.. I used to run the show around here. I was the know-it-all. I had all the answers and if you had a question, I was the man to ask. Now, she comes in here- a 15 year old smart ass. I couldn't find a part for my classic mustang. I thought it was the intake gasket. No, Miss Smarty Pants comes up here and tells me it was the gear box I was using. Ordered the part and everything. Did she work on that car for 17 years, caring for it, preserving it? No. Google just waltzes right in and takes over. All those diapers and stupid cartoons I had to go through. Google didn't do any of that. Nothing. He just sits there and thinks he's hot shit. I oughta give him a punch in the jaw! When she got caught shoplifting at Caldor, did Google go pull some strings and get the security guard to set her free. No. He's a pansy. I am the tough guy that threatened the security guard's wife with a crowbar.

The only time my little girl talks is at dinner when she just happens to pop in for Larry's own secret spaghetti recipe(Good luck making that Google!). Like the other day, she's like "Brian caught suspended for bringing Ecstasy in school. He's so cute but such a troublemaker." What the hell is Ecstasy anyway?. Hang on a sec here, E-C-S-T-A-S-Y (click). Hmmm. WHOA! Drugs! What the? Oh wow. "Hey Laura. LAURA! Our daughter knows this kid that sells this drug that sounds like a mix of shrooms and Viagara. Yeah. What? I don't know. He doesn't sell that shit no more…..Is that her? Hey you. Yeah, come here. Who's this Brian fella? I want you to stay away from him. Doing drugs. You're grounded. What did you say? Did you learn that from Google you little brat? I want you stay away from him too. No more. From now on, you're under my watch. Now, go to your room. Yes, you can use your computer. It's educational. No magazines or books though. That romance garbage you read. And NO CELL PHONE!"

Well, there you have it. I guess this Google ain't the man of the house after all. Larry's in charge now.

When I was your Age (Part I)

By Dad


So, what the fuck is wrong with you kids these days? Now, the new craze is energy drinks. First it started with Red Bull. That was a pretty cool alternative, for what do you call them, oh yeah, PUSSIES! Now, they have Spike Shooter being banned from high schools. What a bunch of sissies! Kids can't even handle a fucking can of this shit. When I was your age, we started with Vivarin. We fucking popped 6 or 7 of those badboys and had jitters for two days. Hell, I even took some before I played North Providence. I completed 70% of my passes because of that shit. But that was just the beginning, then we got creative. We started drinking Robitussin. Yeah, that stuff mom gives you when you're whining about having a cough. You get knocked out from two tablespoonfuls, right? Well, what we used to do drink half the fuckin bottle. Yeah, sure it was nasty but it beat looking for a bum to buy us beer and was the cheapest hallucinogenic out there. Right there at your local CVS, 7-11. Anywhere, 24hrs a day, you could get this shit, just like at the store around the corner next to your bus stop. Then they started coming out with like 12 different kinds, Night-time, Cough, Cough and Cold, Cold, etcetera, etcetera. Well, the secret is in the DM, baby. You gotta make sure it's on the back, otherwise it won't work. Go with the name brand shit because that Wal-Tussin crap will make you sick. CVS ain't bad. In fact, that's where it all started. Aisle 15b-Cough and Cold. Oh, the good ole days. Anyway, you stay away from that stuff now, you hear me? And stay away from these energy drinks too. Because if they say it's bad, then it probably is. Ok, buddy? Good talk, pal. Now, the babysitter should be here soon. Mom and I will be out until around 11. Probably gonna score some coke and have sex in that motel down the street after we get some dinner. But, you be in bed and behave, ok? And stay out of our bathroom's medicine cabinet, especially that Tussin stuff. Alright. There's the doorbell, now go get changed. Ok, buddy…