Penpal Letters From C. Everett Koop

In 1986 I was a 4th grader attending John F. Kennedy Elementary School in Blackstone MA. Our teacher had assigned us the task of writing a letter to any member of the U.S. government. Most kids wrote to President Reagan, but I wrote my letter to Surgeon General C. Everett Koop. In response to my only letter I received a letter from the Surgeon General at least twice a month for the next 21 years. I have decided to publish the one sided correspondence in a segment I call:

PENPAL LETTERS FROM C. EVERETT KOOP

July 2nd, 1987

Dear Jeremy,

Whats up? Same ol' shit since yesterday here man. Just getting back from the post office to pick up my mail, cause they won't bring it to me anymore. You see last Tuesday the mail lady, this fuckin' bull dyke named Janet (I call her Man-Janet) pulls up and starts being a real bitch with a friggin capital C.

Mail usually arrives by 20 past 10 here, but now it's like 10:55 in the AM, so I says ,'Hey... Penis Envy! What the fuck?!?! I'm waiting on a letter from my pal Jeremy, and I was supposed to pick the wife up from the optomotrist like 10 minutes ago. Don't you think I got anything better to do than wait by a mailbox you little freakshow? You're a low-class disgrace to your uniform!' So of course, this just makes her go all swamp-ass on me, which I wouldn't of even had the patience for if I was sober, never mind then. I mean at this point I was on my 7th Haffenreffer, and all I needed was the reply letter from my pal Jeremy, to see if you were down with running some fireworks out of North Carolina to score some good shine from some Virginia Tech kids before the 4th, and I'd be on my way. No hassle, no foul. You'd think anyways.

So I did the only rational thing a man of my stature could do. I smacked her in the jaw with a crown royal bottle. I mean not hard, you know, just enough to make her talk with a click. Challenge the little Danny Devito looking broad to a duel if you will. And I know what your thinking, you're not supposed to hit girls, AND I NEVER HAVE!! But these bull-dykes man...I don't know. If you're man enough to sneak a little nookie out of circulation you better be man enough to take a Royal to the jaw like the rest of us. Right Jeremy? YOU KNOW what I'm talkin about!! Fuck man, your Brother Jeremy!! THE J-MAN HIMSELF!!

Ahh yessss sir. Fourth of MOTHERFUCKIN' JU-FUCKIN'-LY!! Theres nothing like it Brother. Not for a Navy man anyway. As a Navy man, when I feel 4th of July coming on, it just makes me grateful for all that this great nation of ours has done. Like that arch in St. Louis.You know, that big fucker. Man do I mix it up in St. Louis. Nearly beat a pimp to death at that very arch last Easter. What do they call that thing? It's not important.

So anyways, it's cutting close to the 4th and I havent heard back from you yet. You in or not? I really need you down on the NC/VA border by TOMOROW AT THE LATEST. We'll take my Lebarron from there. Theres a couple'a M-80's in it for you.

Well pal, let me know. Call me at the office if need be, you got the number.

Your Pal,

Cool Everett Koop

P.S. Hey, I was meaning to ask you. You got any older sisters or anything?