Play it again Sam

Edie Sands stood in the break room stirring her coffee, trying to shake off her lingering first day jitters, when suddenly she became startled by not only the words being spoken by the man leaning against the counter, but also by the realization that she never even noticed him standing there.

"I bet you like your coffee like you like your martinis.Strong.You're my kind of woman. You don't let anybody steer your boat do ya kid? Well,... you got a lotta sass alright. A lot of sass."

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it doll."

The mysterious stranger stared dashingly at Edie as he threw his empty paper cup over his shoulder and into the waste basket while slowly walking out of the room. Edie's supervisor Jeffrey walked into the break room a moment later.

"Jeffrey who was that man that just walked out of here?"

"That was Sam Moriarty.He's got the big office in the corner"

"What does he do here?"

Jeffrey stared blankly as he realized he was pondering this question for the first time in the seven years that he's worked for the company.

"I don't know.Kind of strange now that I think about it."

Jeffrey poked his head around the corner to watch Moriarty make his way into the large open room of occupied desks, and busy workers.

"Son of a bitch! Don't freeze up on me now. My goddamn reports due in a half hour!" Henry Russell cried out as he slammed his palm into his desk.

"Say, whats the big idea"

"Sam this computer is useless. It freezes up on me everyday. I spend more time on the phone with IT then I do getting any work done."

"Well that's no reason to go around beating up on some perfectly good office furniture.What are you some kind of lunatic? Why I oughtta send you up to the funny farm with that sorted behaviour of yours."

"But Sam its the end of the quarter!"

"Now don't you say another word, 'cause I don't want to hear it! What you need is a good cool down. Take the afternoon off. Well go on, get out of here!"

"But Sam, my report is"

"Go on, scram!" Sam raised his backhand to Henry. He stopped himself only when he saw the look of horror on Edies face. He quickly composed himself, lit up a cigarette and extended the open pack in Edies direction."What do you say dollface?"

"Oh my God! What the hell's wrong with you?"

"Theres nothing wrong with me porcupine.Nothing at all see. Its this mixed up topsy turvy world thats got a problem. Everybodies so caught up in the hustle and bustle of big city life that they don't take any time to smell the roses anymore. You got people who have never even lived a day in their life before they gotta take that big ride in the back of a cadillac limousine all the way up to toe tag city.And I'll tell you something else sister, when the man upstairs asks you to join in the great poker game in the sky, the only losers are the ones who are too busy guarding their chips to play a hand. Well that aint gonna be Sam Moriarty baby!" Sam,unaware of his own actions, suddenly grabbed Edie firmly by the arm, shaking her by her bicepts "Do you hear me?!?!..That aint gonna be me."

Sam walked off leaving Edie with a confused look as she stood next to Henry Russell, who was still hunched down in his chair with his hands blocking his face.

As Sam reached his office he was approached by Jimmy Flynn, a fresh faced, hard working young man just out of college. Jimmy was very fond of Sam, and Sam was quite touched by this.

"I finished waxing your car Mr. Moriarty."

"Say that's great kid.Why don't you step into my office and I'll buy you a drink."

"But I don't drink Mr. Moriarty."

"Even better Kid, you can buy me one."

They entered Moriarty's office. It was a huge room much different from the cold, grey, corporate holding cell outside. One might suspect it would be different, based alone on the fact that it was the only office with a large frosted glass door which read Sam Moriarty. Sam's office had hard wood floors, a large, well finished mohagany desk with a bottle of bourbon and 2 glasses on it. In the corner was a fully functioning grandfather clock.Hanging on the wall behind his desk was a portrait of Sam standing in his trademark trenchcoat and hat with an intense glare on his face. The window's had wooden shades blocking the sun, and in the direct center of the room was a large bearskin rug.

"Sit down kid, take a load off"Sam motioned his hand to the hard wooden chairs in front of his desk as he poured himself a tall glass of straight bourbon. "I got an important job for you Kid. You think you're up for it?"

"Sure thing Mr. Moriarty"

"Say, I thought I told you to call me Sam."

"OK Mr. Moriarty."

"Thats more like it"

Just then the door to Moriarty's office came flying open and in walked purchasing manager Martin Duke with an infuriated look on his face.

"Moriarty!! Did you tell Henry Russell to take the afternoon off again?!?!"

"That's right. What's it to you anyways?"

"WHATS IT TO ME?!?! WHATS IT.... DAMNIT Moriarty, Henry is my employee NOT YOURS.And as a matter of fact, so is Jimmy here. Go on Jimmy, get back to work"

"Now wait just a minute Duke. The kid works for me now see. So I suggest you turn your kiester right around and get the hell outta my office before I sock you so hard your gonna be wearing a T-bone for an eyepatch until Labor day. You hear me?!!"

"I've heard enough. I'm calling HR and having you terminated." Duke walked over to Sam's desk and grew more frustrated after making a failed attempt at a phone call to HR. "Goddamnit, how the hell do you even call an extension with a rotary phone. This is just goddamn riciulous. Forget it I'll call them from my own office."

Duke stormed out of Moriarty's office leaving the door wide open behind him. Sam responded by retrieving the same switch blade from his desk drawer that he used to kill the bear that now lay as a rug in his office. He rushed around to the front of his desk and made a dash for Duke with the blade extended. In a panic Jimmy jumped up and grabbed Sam by his arm to stop him.

"Mr. Moriarty don't!"

Sam made one last look back at Jimmy while simutaneously preceeding out the door of his office, accidentally ramming the switchblade between the ribs of Edie Sands who was a mere passerby at the wrong time.

Edie pressed her hands into her side and turned white instantly at the site of the blood now on her fingertips while collapsing into Sam's arms.

"Oh no... Say it aint so kid.Say it aint so. Don't leave me now dolface...you just can't leave now.Why, we were just getting a good thing going, you and me see.Well I know I aint always the perfect gentleman baby...but I was working on that. And there was supposed to be time. Why there was gonna be plenty of good times between you and me kid, real swell times. Like the time me,you, and Jimmy over there, we was gonna take a ferry out to Martha's Vineyard and take a drive out to the country. Maybe buy a little place of our own.Away from all of this see. Why there was gonna be plenty of good times for us dollface. Just stick around a while, you'll see. I need you to just... just stick around a while."

Sam looked down to find that Edies eyes would no longer be able to look back at his. EMT's came rushing across the room, and whisked Edie from Sam and onto a gurney. Sam stood very calm with a look of shock which seemed to excuse him from the chaos around him as he continued talking to noone.

"There was supposed to be time see. There was supposed to be time."

Sam made his way out to the busy streets. He walked across the avenues without looking in either direction, subconsciously zig zagging his way through gridlock traffic. Taxis honked and drivers yelled at him, but he didn't even acknowledge them. With a newspaper under his arm and rain beginning to fall, he turned the corner and made his way down 23rd to Gary's Pub.

He walked in the bar,his entrance greeted by bells attached to the glass door. Gary came from the back room of the dark bar and looked at him and said, "What'll be Sammy?"

"Martini. Make it quick, make it dirty, and make it with a twist of the good old days. You remember the good old days, Gary?"

"Yes, I do Sam. Like they were yesterday, But you Sam, you keep the past alive."

Sam removes his hat and places it on the bar. He lights up a Marlboro and swings his barstool around until it comes in line with a portrait of FDR.

"Damn right Gary, and it comes with a price. But, hell, I got the cash to cover it."

THE END

The Redneck Afficiando's Netflix Reviews vol. 1

Dear Netflix,

I know it is standard protocol to submit all movie reviews via your website, but I'm afraid I have no choice but to write my review and send it snail mail, as I am currently incarcerated and facing assault, disturbing the peace, carjacking, and DWI charges after watching the 1970's mega-musical "Grease". Grease is the tale of tough guy Danny Zuko (John Travolta) and his romantic involvement with Sandy (Olivia Newton-John), which begins as a harmless Summer fling, but gets increasingly complex as their senior year of high school unfolds. I rented this movie to put an end to my wifes endless nagging which started soon after I got loaded at Double T's and drove our Range Rover through the garage door. And although I don't aprove of high school kids dating, to my surprise I found the clean cut humor was delivered perfectly from this stellar ensemble cast. And the musical score was down right infectious. So much so that my wife and I decided to break out the matching red sweatshirts, fire up the karoake machine, and lock ourselves in the basement to prepare a talent show for our 7,9,and 23 year old children.
Seeing as how Saturday's are family fun day in this household, we decided to debut our new act during the afternoon karoake jam at the Pub 99.And even though we practiced our routine for days, I gotta admit, I was a little overwhelmed with stage fright. My family ordered their meals but I had to prepare myself mentally to get up and sing "Summer Days" in front of what looked like at least 12 people. So while my family split an order of mozzarella sticks, I started off with 6 shots of Jack Daniels.Once I ordered my 2nd round, my wife (Ms. Romantic Comedy lover from Rhode Island), was immediately on my case just because I began yelling at my kids to hurry up and eat so we could go out for Chinese. I told her to shut her hole, 'cause aint no Yankee devil woman gonna tell ME I couldn't have a Mai-Tai'. Just then I noticed my feet were tapping to an upbeat familiar melody being piped through the sound system. I stood on my chair and began to clap my hands and do the boogie woogie as my wife nagged me to sit down. My 23 year old daughter held her face in her hands with a look of embarrassment, which immediately infuriated me. "How dare you ruin family fun day for your brother and sister" I screamed at her. Just then my anger would reach an ALL-TIME-HIGH when I realized the song was "youre the one that I want" from the Grease soundtrack. Here I was waiting in line to steal the show at the Pub 99's karaoke jam with a selection from the movie Grease and someone else was moving in on my territory. When I turned around to see who signed up for a pummelling courtesy of this here good ol' boy, I saw the most shocking and angering site of my life. "Youre the one that I want" was being sang duet style by two males... two homosexual males!!!
"THIS IS A TRAVESTY!" I yelled out. I immediately ran over to the gruesome twosome, picked up a microphone stand and smashed the CD player, causing sparks to fly as the music died. I then ripped both mic's from their hands and announced my moral victory over the sound system. "Grease was meant to be wholesome family entertainment, and I will not stand by and allow it to be made into a 'gay thing" I declared. And as I said 'gay thing' I used my hands to make air quotes. The M.C. yelled that he was calling the police, so I grabbed a butter knife off a table and began poking him in the side. Unfortunately it was not sharp enough to pierce the skin, so I probably gave him a few bruised ribs at best. I then dropped the butterknife on the floor and decided to flee. I ran into the parking lot and ran directly in front of a Chevy Cavalier filled with teenage girls forcing the driver to brake just before hitting me, sending my torsoe sailing onto her windshield. I then jumped off the hood, opened the drivers side door and through the driver onto the asphalt as I took the wheel. I couldn't help but think that the cracks on the windshield I created looked like a large silver spiderweb. And with the combination of screaming teenage passengers, lack of visibility, and 6 shots of J.D., it wasn't long at all until I had lost control of the vehicle. Ironically enough I slammed directly into the side of a Blockbuster video store, and was arrested momentarily after.
All in all, I can't give Grease a full four stars, because I feel that the Bee-Gees disco-esque theme song which played over the opening credits was a departure from the 1950's period piece the filmmakers were shooting for, which in my book was a total sellout on behalf of the producers. So I'm going to give this movie a solid 3 1/2 stars.

I'm Going to See This Email Chain Letter Through

By Donnie Waldron

Mindy, the head cheerleader at Hopeless High is talking with some classmates,

'Today is a blessed day. Send this to ten of your friends and your dreams will come true.'

"That was the email chain letter I forwaded two weeks ago. I sent it to ten friends. Since then, I have been soooo lucky. Like yesterday, the guy charged me 1.59 for my Arizona Iced Tea instead of 1.69. And, then, I got all green lights all the way to work and was 5 minutes early for like the first time in a month. So, I said to my mom that all this great stuff was happening cuz of that chain letter. So, I tracked down all my friends and their friends and their friends' friends just to make sure it was still going. Apparently, it totally has stopped because it got forwarded to this one loser who can't find 10 people to forward it to. I asked him what the deal was and he was asking me all these dumb questions like "Can I send it to people who already got it.?" Che. I mean, don't you know the rules buddy? So, I told him he better forward that thing by the end of today or I am going to go psycho on him."

That loser was Donnie Waldron.

"I've got this email chain letter. My reputation depends on me sending it to 10 people. I could just send it as spam, but that bitch would follow up on me and be like, "Who's that loser?" She's the beauty queen at our high school, so she could pretty much ruin me in one or two periods and then I'd be done for. So, I have decided that for once in my life, I am going to see this thing through. I started trying to talk to people at the mall. It was awkward, cause I am not an outgoing guy. Kind of a loser to be honest. But hey, I tried and got no where. I was going to quit right then, but I remembered the time I quit soccer, the trumpet, Resident Evil III, watching Battlefield Earth, church, clipping my nails, all those things. The only thing I never quit was smoking and masturbating. Anyway, I just started picking up the phone and calling classmates I didn't really normally talk to. Most of them were confused and called me a freak. One girl in my math class I talked to for a while, but when I mentioned the chain letter, she said she already got it. So, I hung up on her, because what more is there to say?"

So, I hit the streets. I took the bus to downtown and started getting in with some homeless people. They were actually pretty cool. At first. I told them that this letter could change their life and I'd help them set up a free email account at the local library. So, me and 9 homeless dudes went to the library together. I set up accounts for them. I wasn't really sure what to put, so I just put homeless_guy1, homeless_guy2, and so on. Their password was all "ripple", so they could remember it. So, I logged in my account and was about to send it to them, when I felt a poke in my back. One of the guys had a knife and told me to login to my online banking account and do a money transfer to his Paypal account. So, I transferred the $251.45 I had saved for the last year cutting lawns to his account. I turned around and asked if I could still send the chain letter and they said, "No. No idiot believes in those stupid things!" and they tossed me down the concrete steps of the library. At the exact same time, Mindy and her friends were driving by in their convertible and saw the whole thing. That dick Juno yelled, "Loser Fag!" and they all started laughing. Mindy yelled out, "You got til 6:00 loser!"

I scraped myself off. Humiliated? Yes. Disappointed? Yes. Injured? A little. But I was going to see this email chain letter through. Who knows? Maybe it was bring me some solace after all.

With it almost being 5, I decided to just access our school's website and get our faculty email addresses. I found 10 of them, 4 which I had classes with, and just forwarded it.

Done. I could go to bed and enjoy my weekend.

After another boring weekend of George Lopez reruns and XBOX games, I felt good about what might come of me. I met Mindy's demands and something good could come out of this. I walked into school happier than I had been in years. But all that changed. Real fast.

As soon as I got through the front door, I walked into a hostile environment. All the jocks, geeks, cheerleaders, and even the retards were lined up against the wall laughing hysterically at me. At the end of the hallway stood Mr. Pickens, the principal. He was waving an angry finger at me. What happened?

I slowly walked down the hall taking insults and paperclips to the head.

I finally got to Mr. Pickens office and he showed me a photograph.

"Do you know what this is umm…Donnie?"

"I'm not sure, but it looks like a woman's vagina."

"Bingo. Now what the heck were you doing forwarding this email to my teachers."

"It was a chain letter that the students were forwarding so I figured for my dreams to come true I could forward it and then all bad things would…"

"Shut up. Chain letter? You kids still believe in those things. Hope I'm dead and buried when you guys get in the workplace..No, this was an email originally to a Dr. Donnie Waldron."

"That's my father, I am Donnie Jr."

"No shit. Really?!!! For a minute there I thought you were a doctor."

"Really, well I appreciate that but.."

"I'm joking you idiot. You really aren't too bright are you?"

I lowered my head and said, "No."

"Well, apparently this is an email to your dad, an OB/GYN, from a patient about a rash. Do you share an email account with your father?"

"Yes, but it's only temporary until he gets his computer setup at his new apartment. With the divorce and all I guess I was.."

"Stupid? Careless? Careless and Stupid?"

I lowered my head and said, "Yes."

"Well, do you know whose vagina that is?"

"No. I guess from a lady. A black lady?"

"Well, you're getting smarter by the minute their Donnie. That vagina is Mrs. Robertson. You know, you're math teacher."

"Oh no."

His eyes got big like that bad guy golfer from Happy Gilmore. "Oh yes Donnie. Oh yes."

He got right in my face with a devilish grin. "No, I want you to get up and get out of here and don't come back for 2 weeks. You're suspended."

I walked out of his office and everyone was laughing including him. I felt horrible. I took another long walk down the hall. As I neared the door, I looked up at Mindy.

She shook her head, "All you had to do was forward it loser. You ruined it for everyone."

I said, "I sure did. But that bitch will never give me a D in her class again-that nasty, skanky, gonorreah-ridden slut. Oh, and if I were you I wouldn't continue sleeping with that 23-year old PE teacher either. Cause he tagged that skank months ago and just found out he's got that shit too, which of course means, so do you. Happy Web-MDing you bitch."

Chain letters do work after all. With two weeks of vacation, I can finally finish Resident Evil III and forget about hanging myself.