Thursday, December 20, 2007

The Adventures of Marty the Meth Addict II: Christmas At the Mall of America

Minnesota is where the good crank is and no better place to find it than at a mall between the twin big ones. Especially with all this crazy holiday shit going on…Hi there kind sir, you got some meth on you? Meth. Methamphetamine. I don't give two shits if you fought in Korea. I am trying to score here man. Am I high? You bet your goddamn veteran ass I am. But I'm going to get high as sly stone. And you ain't gonna be part of nothin' there girlfriend, you hear that? Now go bless America you, you, canteener..Geesh.

Okay. Spencer. Always a good place for meth. Hey what's this? A fly in an ICE cube. WOW! Did I say a fly in an ICE cube? You got some? Cool. Where at? To the stockroom? You work here? No? Sweet..

Man they got some weird shit back here. Puff Puff. Oh yeah, that's the one. Marty Dog is in TOWN! Hey, hand me that Gorilla mask right there. Check this out. Roar….I'm Marty the Gorilla. Rooarrr. He-he-he.

Oh, hello officer, mall guy security person.. Nothing going on back here. No, I don't want any trouble…Hey, ya know, my cousin is a mall security guard down in Athens, Georgia. Dave Bryant. No…I think his name is Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Donnie Bryant.. Down in Georgia. At a mall. In Athens. No, Macon. You know him? No? Are you sure? Tall guy, kinda overweight too, plays the harp…Come with you!!? Um, sure, just let me get up here..….I'M BOLTIN" BIATCH….Marty's on the run!!! Excuse me-excuse me. Get out of the way. Roaaarrr….

Can't get this fucking mask off…Fuckin Glued on..FUCKING CHEAP TAIWANESE GORILLA MASKS!…Excuse Me….Oh, looks like the only way away from him is across the ice skating rink. Slide Gorilla Slide!!! Raaahhhh!!!!! Get outta my way you little bastards. Don't shoot that puck at me..The sign says no hockey you little....Ohhhh,you better not, whoaaaa.. What a save!!!! Ha-Ha!!! Teen Wolf 3,starring Marty the Goaltending Gorilla!!!! Move out of my way. Rooaarr!! What are you looking at? Haven't you ever seen Gorillas on Ice? Tell your momma to take you sometime.

Ok made it across. Gotta hide somewhere. Flight simulator? In a mall?It's my only shot. Oh, shit the cops are getting neaaar!. Hey man, how much to ride this thing? $5 bucks! Are you crazy? I can't take this mask off, it's glued on. Here. Let me in. How long does thing last? 15 minutes. Ok cool….. Fucking Marty the fighter pilot. Yeahhh baby, let's send this bitch up!!! Don't shhh me, You be quiet...Whoaa. Takeoff baby! Oh, this thing really moves around!! Whooaaahh! Oh shit, We're gonna crash!!! I'm sorry for all my sins! Whew. Uh-oh, I don't feel so good. Oh No…Ughh…Let me outta here. Rooarrrhh.I'm puking. Let me out of here. The puke is in my mask. I'm gonna drown in my own puke!!! Ecckkkk. Please. Oh thank you. I can't breathe…Help me. Rip off this mask. Please. On 3? Ok, I'm ready. 1,2,Ahhhh!!!!. Oh my gothe!!!. My lips. They're gone. Where my lipth? Oh they're bleeding. Oh the copsth, the COPSth!! Gotta go…

Dress Barn. They'll never find me in here. Let me just hide inside one of these shirt racks. Woof. Safe. ..I guess I'll just light up right here!!! He-he-he!!! Oh yeah. High and calm. High and calm. Who's this looking at shirts? Oh shit, some fat bitch with kankles. Don't panic. Oh, no, don't move the XXLs… Oh Hello mam, How can I help you? What am I doing in here? I work in here. Yes, mam, sure do. The Dress Barn customer service counter has been moved inside this round shirt rack. Do you have any exchanges? Security? Oh no you don't, you fat bitch….Oww! Stop that! That hurts! I gotta get outta here…I'm claustrophobic. It's tight in here! There's a lot of shirts on me woman. Somebody Help! Help!

I'm stuck. Fuck it!!!! I'll just take the whole rack with me….Hrrrrr. Hrrrr…What are you looking at? Never seen a walking Dress Barn rack before? I'm on sale everybody!!! Marty's on sale…Everything is on sale. He-He-He…. Gotta get this thing off me. Can't see anything!!! Oww!!! Oh, hello Santa. Hey. Mind if I sit on your lap while those coppers run by? Good.

Well, it's been a while since I left you milk and cookies. Sorry about that. But I would like a round trip Greyhound bus ticket to see my buddy Rex over in St. Louis. He's got a mad meth lab there that'll make all your reindeers noses red. He-he-he. That way you can get rid of that gay ass Adolf one.

Excuse me elf, getting kinda hungry here. My problem? What's your problem? Oh, so you think that Candy Cane is going to hurt me. C'mon little man. I'm 6' tall and 115 pounds. I'll crush you. Oh, so you're gonna be like that huh? Oww. Hey! Get off me! Help! Somebody help Marty! Get these elves off me!

Don't hit me in the mouth man. I'm sorry man. I only got two teeth left man…Oh no.. Arrrhh. Oh, my mouth. The candy cane hit me wight in the mouth. My teef, dere gone again..Oh god. Oh Santa. I'm sorry, so sorry.. I changed my mind. All I want for Cwristmas is my two front teeth. Pwease man. I can't eat anything man.
Wait, what's this? A gift for me?. Can I open it? A bag of Meth? Oh, thanls Santa. I knew Santa was real. Do you remember last Christmas Eve? I saw you looking for last minute gifts in a trash barrel in South Richmond. That wasn't you? It looked like you. He had a red hat on and everything.

Oh man! Yes! Well, here come the cops…Thank you again Santa. Mewwy Cwistmas Ewebody! Now get on this sleigh cuz Marty is gonna make it fly!!! Right after Saint Marty goes behind the manger and has a quick smoke, he'll take all you kids up, ok? Ho-Ho Everyone! Have a Marty Christmas!

"To the Tune of Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer"

Marty the Meth Addict,
Had a very runny nose,
From snorting all manmade chemicals,
Also known as pseudo- blow,

All of the other meth heads,
Would leave Marty behind,
So Marty took on the streets,
Snorting anything he could find.

But Then one foggy Christmas eve,
Santa came to say:
"Marty with so many lesions on your face,
Would you go headfirst down the fireplace?"

So, next time you're drinking your egg nog,
At your work holiday party,
Start off a conversation,
About the Adventures of Marty.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Ask a CEO: Who Would You Rather Do?

Often times the key to success is understanding the minds of the successful. In this edition of Ask A CEO we decided to ask 5 Fortune 500 CEO's, Who would you rather do?

REX TILLERSON (Exxon-Mobil)

30W: Who would you rather do...Alyssa Milano or Bill Walton?

RT: Who's Bill Walton?

3OW: He played for the Boston Celtics in the early '80s.

RT: Was he a black guy?

3OW: No.

RT: Well then in that case I'll take Alyssa Milano.


H. LEE SCOTT Jr (Walmart)

3OW: Who would you rather do...Anne Coulter or Clay Aiken?

HLS Jr: I don't know. I guess I'll take that little dykey chick. Anne Coulter looks too much like a dead transvestite for me.


KENNETH D. LEWIS (Bank of America)

3OW: Who would you rather do...Laverne or Shirley

KDL: Whats it gonna cost me to get Lenny and Squiggy on that list?



LAWRENCE ELLISON (Oracle)

3OW: Who would you rather do...Sarah Jessica Parker or a Mrs Buttersworth bottle?

LE: Well, Sarah Jessica Parkers kind of overrated, so if you break the Mrs. Buttersworth bottle, I'll go with that.



RUPERT MURDOCH (News Corp)

3OW: Who would you rather do...Martin Lawrence or...

RM: This interview is over. You think wasting my time with this nonsense is funny? Well you're not gonna get away with it you asshole. Your journalism days are over. I'm a powerful man, YOU'RE FUCKING WITH THE WRONG GUY!!!

3OW: Well if you'd let me finish, I would have told you that he'd BE in the fat suit he wore in Big Mama's House

RM: OK I'm listening...

Monday, November 19, 2007

Penpal Letters From C. Everett Koop

In 1986 I was a 4th grader attending John F. Kennedy Elementary School in Blackstone MA. Our teacher had assigned us the task of writing a letter to any member of the U.S. government. Most kids wrote to President Reagan, but I wrote my letter to Surgeon General C. Everett Koop. In response to my only letter I received a letter from the Surgeon General at least twice a month for the next 21 years. I have decided to publish the one sided correspondence in a segment I call:

PENPAL LETTERS FROM C. EVERETT KOOP

November 24, 1986

Dear Jeremy,

Well buddy it's Thanksgiving day and am I ever fucked! Fuckin high school football games! It's my only vice (besides chasing Korean poontang). So I drop 3 grand by 11 o'clock this morning, you know which wouldn't be so bad in itself, but if I don't get that cash back in the bank before my wife mails out the mortgage check, I'm gonna be in the dog house until they cancel Hill Street Blues.

I just dont need this shit this month. I've really been on a tear. I was at a conference in Cincinatti last week, and I run into Lee Iakoka in the hotel lounge. Fuckin prick that guy. So he's sittin there at the bar and I sit down about 3 stools over and order a scotch.Then Iakoka lights up a camel. So I walk over to him and I say "Hey...I'm C. Everett Koop", and he goes "Yeah I know." So I says "then put your fuckin cigarette out, you should know better." He tells me to take a hike. So I respond by picking up an ashtray and smacking him in the ear with it. The ashtray cracks in 2 and Iakoka starts crying like a teenage runaway's first night in the whorehouse. To make a long story short, the bartender calls 911 and I drop $2,800 bribing the Cincinatti PD.

And I put a call in for a little "company" for after the nights festivities. So I get up to the room a little late, and Mai Ling is charging me for the 3 hours that she was waiting.The whole thing was a bust anyway because I was steering the ship but my sails weren't a-hoisting if you catch my drift. Plus she stole my wallet and robbed the mini-bar.Never take your eyes off an Asian broad ,Jeremy, thats the first thing they teach you in the Navy.

So I've been pulling in a little on the side betting on the high school games. you know,the local boys are 7-2, so I figure it's a fuckin lock. I put $500.00 down and the boys are really pulling through. I'm out there in the bleachers drinking some Wild Turkey (it is Thanksgiving, so I was keeping with the spirit), and anyways I start feeling good. Real good. That's when I notice my buddy McCalister, (he's an ex-army colonel and works at the deli- he's a hot shit). Well he's down $800, and asks me for a spot. So I challenge him to an Army Navy wrestling match, winner takes all. So we go behind the bleachers and I give him a TOTAL PUMMELLING. It was a fine thanksgiving workout if I've ever seen one. I didn't have the heart to take his money seeing as how the man was a WWII vet, so I spot him $2,500... and wouldn't you know it, the local boys lose it 28-10. Fuck it. Right Jeremy?

So anyways I got the whole family and the grandkids running around the house today, making noise, pissing me off. I just had to sneak off and pull up a table and write to my best buddy Jeremy. After all, with a good pal at my side like you it doesn't matter how much trouble I get in at home anyway. Happy thanksgiving buddy.

Your Pal,

Cool Everett Koop

P.S. I met Tony Danza in Cincinatti. I got his autograph for you.

(enclosed with the letter was a losing scratch ticket with some scribbled writing on the back, which was apparantly Tony Danza's autograph)

Thursday, November 15, 2007

When I was your Age (Part I)

By Dad


So, what the fuck is wrong with you kids these days? Now, the new craze is energy drinks. First it started with Red Bull. That was a pretty cool alternative, for what do you call them, oh yeah, PUSSIES! Now, they have Spike Shooter being banned from high schools. What a bunch of sissies! Kids can't even handle a fucking can of this shit. When I was your age, we started with Vivarin. We fucking popped 6 or 7 of those badboys and had jitters for two days. Hell, I even took some before I played North Providence. I completed 70% of my passes because of that shit. But that was just the beginning, then we got creative. We started drinking Robitussin. Yeah, that stuff mom gives you when you're whining about having a cough. You get knocked out from two tablespoonfuls, right? Well, what we used to do drink half the fuckin bottle. Yeah, sure it was nasty but it beat looking for a bum to buy us beer and was the cheapest hallucinogenic out there. Right there at your local CVS, 7-11. Anywhere, 24hrs a day, you could get this shit, just like at the store around the corner next to your bus stop. Then they started coming out with like 12 different kinds, Night-time, Cough, Cough and Cold, Cold, etcetera, etcetera. Well, the secret is in the DM, baby. You gotta make sure it's on the back, otherwise it won't work. Go with the name brand shit because that Wal-Tussin crap will make you sick. CVS ain't bad. In fact, that's where it all started. Aisle 15b-Cough and Cold. Oh, the good ole days. Anyway, you stay away from that stuff now, you hear me? And stay away from these energy drinks too. Because if they say it's bad, then it probably is. Ok, buddy? Good talk, pal. Now, the babysitter should be here soon. Mom and I will be out until around 11. Probably gonna score some coke and have sex in that motel down the street after we get some dinner. But, you be in bed and behave, ok? And stay out of our bathroom's medicine cabinet, especially that Tussin stuff. Alright. There's the doorbell, now go get changed. Ok, buddy…

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Rock Stars needed; NO YOKO'S

By Jake J. Pachomski


I am gonna start a band. That's right. I'm gonna play lead guitar and we are gonna rock! Rock is here to stay, baby! All I need is a drummer, rhythm guitarist, and a lead singer. Oh, yeah, and a bassist. We will be called Hot Cross Buns. I already made the T-Shirts with the band emblem on it. It's a picture of a railroad sign near my house. You know, with the yellow X on it? Except, that I put a Betty Boop sticker on the sign with her showing off her ass! How rad is that?



I already got the practice space geared up. My mom's ex-boyfriend Keith lives in this motel that was converted into apartments. He said the room next door was condemned,so last week him and I got plastered on some JD and took a sledgehammer and busted a hole through his kitchen into it. It was pretty nasty in there, but I cleaned it up pretty good. I got rid of all the syringes and milk cartons. I laid some plywood down and ran the electrical through Keith's bathroom through the hole. I figured it's got a ground fault on it for hair dryers, so at least we got some protection once we CRANK IT UP!



Lighting has been a problem. So, I rigged the place with some Coleman Propane lanterns from Walmart though, so we should be good at least 12 hours of nighttime shredding. Let's burn the Midnight Propane, baby!



Keith said I got a toss a nickel bag his way every once in a while to cover the electricity and deal with the complaints he's gonna get from the other tenants. I said no problemo, amigo. He also agreed to manage us once our band gets going just as long as it doesn't interfere with his shift as 7-11..He's good with numbers, I mean he pays his bills on time, he's a cashier and of course, he could always tell my mom how many beers she had to drink before punches were exchanged.



So, I'm pretty much ready to rock. I put out some flyers at the liquor store and various bulletin boards throughout Milfurd. I did that cut up and pull off the bottom of the paper with the number attached action and it has my cell number on it, so people don't even got it write it down. Whoever came up with that rocks!



I been writing some songs, I have about 30 of them almost half done, and one completely done except for the drum solo. One is a Tesla meets Danzig meets Type O Negative, called Vampire Woman, Kiss Me Where the Moon Don't Shine. It's got this bad ass opening riff, like wah-woo-wah-woo-wah-woo-wah-wah-woo..It's fucking mint.



I got another one that's kind of a country-blues tune called, Cash in your Chips, and Swing your Hips. It's got some steel guitar action in the beginning with some foot-stomping beat. I had Keith clapping some irons together and hitting the mouth of some Bud bottles with pencils so I could keep rhythm. I laid that one down on my boom box. I am trying to make it into a ringtone, but I'm not too technical savvy. That'll be our band webmasters job!



Well, that's it for now. I'm just waiting for the phone to ring and start auditions…I'll keep you updated. Rock On!

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Trilogy of Terror

The writers of 3OrangeWhipples present to you The Trilogy of Terror: Crass Cuisine's Halloweenn special, Nuclear Walkman-Man, and the terrifying When You're Here You're Family. Warning...these tails of terror are not for the faint of heart!!!!

Crass Cuisine: Hot Platin' with Jamie Anne's 2007 Halloween Extravaganza‏

"Hey everybody, welcome to a very special episode of Crass Cuisine: Hot Platin' with Jamie Anne, I'm Jamie Anne, and it's officially a Halloween party in the fuckin' kitchen tonight."

Camera pans back to show that the kitchen consists of a hot plate propped up on an ironing board which is running on a generator outside of a Ford Econoline van.

"As you can see I've renovated the kitchen recently. My fuckin' landlord thought he was clever by boarding up the window outside the fire escape, but fuck that, he won the battle I won the war."

A crowd of misfits standing in the yard of the apartment Jamie Anne was just evicted from (and where the van is currently parked) starts cheering. Nobody is wearing a Halloween costume.

"First things first, let me get into my costume and get this party rockin'"

Jamie Anne opens the side door to the van and climbs in past a large pile of clothes scattered through the back. We can see clothes flying out of the van as we can hear Jamie talking over the generator from inside the van.

"What the fuck....Where the fuck...this is fuckin' bullshit...WOOOAAAAWWW...Come here my pretty!!!"

Jamie Anne jumps out of the side door wearing a cheap rubber devil mask with a lit cigarette hanging out of the breathing hole. She holds a bottle of Robitussin above her head as if it were a victory.

"Aint I just a little devil? ok. First I'm gonna show you all how to make Jamie Annes famous party punch. You can use this for your own Halloween party, or whatever really. I mean, fuckin' A, I used to make this all the time when I used to follow ZZtop. I remember one time I thought I could've swore they played their Tejas album in its entirity, but you know what, it turns out I was actually just in my parents basement watching my little brothers band practice. It was fuckin amazing though. And they usually sucked!!"

"So you start with a bottle of Tussin, any tussin will do. You don't have to go gourmet with this shit.This aint the fuckin' Ritz Carlton. You know what, Fuck this costume I can't fuckin breathe (Jamie takes off the mask and throws it).
Now I know that tussin is good enough on its own but it aint a punch if you don't mix it with something. So you get some good whiskey (jamie pulls up a pint of Aristocrat Whiskey) and just mix and shake. Wah-Lah. Oh you know what...lets really jazz this shit up. If you happen to be on Lithium or can score some lithium, I highly recomend you add it to your punch. First make sure your hot plate is still cold and dump 'em out on it. Then you take out your ID and a dollar and give it one,two,three good crunches until it's nice and powdery, and slip it into your pint.And Wah-Lah again."

A naked man comes running frantically out of the woods while screaming "It's the end of the world...the sky is gonna swallow me!!". The man runs straight into the cameraman knocking him over. The camera now holds an angle sideways on the ground of Jamie Anne who is yelling into the crowd in the backyard.

"Ronnie what the fuck did you give Jake? Hey Ronnie...Hey what the fuck is Jake on? ....MESCALINE!!! And what, you weren't gonna share?!?! Thats fucked up man. I just threw a months worth of Lithium into this punch for everybody and your fuckin' Bogartin the mescalline."

"Calm down Jamie baby I was trying to surprise you thats all."

"Fuckin' Ronnie. Your too good to me. Go ahead and start crushing them on the hot plate I gotta get this show moving already."

The camera man straightens out the camera as Ronnie chops up mescalline on the hot plate.

"Look at my little sioux chef over there. Great job Ronnie!! Now, you just dump the mescalline into the pint and WAH-LAH!! Jamie Annes famous party punch. One part whiskey, one part lithium, one part mescalline and one part Robitussin. All part delicious!! Bottoms up."

Jamie takes a large rip from the pint and passes it to Ronnie. "Now I guess I still gotta cook something else for the show. Chicken Cacciatore maybe...fuck that I don't want to eat nothin'."

Jamie then proceeds to vomit on her sandles. She grabs the ironing board to hold herself up but knocks the ironing board and hotplate onto the ground before she falls flat on her back and proceeds to start laughing hysterically. She then jumps to her feet.

"Shhhh. Everybody shut the fuck up!!.......did you hear that?"

(long pause)

"What?"

"I said shut the fuck up. Do you hear that?"

The crowd stands still with a confused look on there faces, as Jamie stands completely still as if in a deep trance for several minutes.

"Oh shit, I'm in the middle of a fuckin' show aint I. You know what this show could use? Some fuckin' Black Sabbath. Does anybody got any Black Sabbath in there car? Hey I'm fucking talking here!"

Jake comes running back into the frame from out of the woods and knocks the camera man over again.

"The sky is gonna swallow me"

"Jake cool out man. Don't you know the sky has already swallowed you man. Yeah man we've all been swallowed by the sky. We always have been."

"Wow Jamie..thats fuckin heavy."

"I know Jake. I know. now be cool. Just be cool. Just be- (suddenly she puts her devil mask back on) ROOAAARR!!!"

Jake screams and runs back into the woods. The camera straightens out while Jamie lights a cigarette through the breathing hole in her devil mask and walks to the camera.

"Thats all for this episode of Crass Cuisine Hot Platin with Jamie Anne. Join me next week and I'll be making chicken cacciatore."

Nuclear Walkman-Man

David Thorne was an MIT student doing an internship at the Northeastern Nuclear Power Research Center during the great radiation leak of 1988. While the alarms blared, and the facility was evacuated, young David sat through the entire incident unaware of the catastrophy he was enduring. He never heard the alarms because he had his walkman on full volume; a mixed tape of Huey Lewis and the News kept him distracted. By the time he made it out of the toxic site he was devoured by radio-active molecules which had permanently fused his DNA with the now SUPER-CHARGED walkman, the batteries of which would NEVER DIE.

David survived the incident and went on to become a world renown scientist, despite the fact that the incident had left him with his walkman permanently fused into his writing hand.The Huey Lewis mix tape blares through the headphones he can never remove from his ears to this very day.Brilliant, resilliant, radioactive, David Thorne IS......Nuclear Walkman-Man!!!

Our hero stands stage right at a commencement speech for the freshman class of 2012 at MIT.The class sits anxiously while waiting to be addressed with a welcome lecture....

"Dude I heard they flew Stephen Hawking in for this speech. How rad is that?" says Carter Mondale to his dorm-mate Jefferson Parish

"No way, Stephen Hawking?" Jefferson replies. Dennis Barron leans in between them from his seat 1 row behind the two freshman and chimes in.

"Dude, thats nothing. This dude named Proffessor Thorne is gonna be speaking today. Turns out that dude was in some nuclear meltdown and has a radioactive walkman stuck to him that won't stop playing. He's supposed to be completely brilliant but he's so fucking crazy from the walkman that he loses his shit at the drop of a pin."

"No way!!" reply Carter and Jefferson

"Dude, I'm telling you." answers Dennis

Just then Susan Hockfiled, the 16th President of MIT made her way to the podium as the crowd errupted into applause.As the applause turns to silence, Susan begins to address her audience.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I welcome you all to MIT." The crowd errupts in applause again, and as before, draws down to silence in the auditorium. "We have a very special guest today who needs no introduction. Mr Stephen Hawking will be sharing his thoughts on physics in the new millenium. But first I would like you to welcome one of our most prestigous proffessor's of nuclear science and engineering, Proffessor David Thorne."

The crowd errupts in applause as Thorne makes his way to center stage, waving his walkman hand at the audience. He gives a warm sincere smile from the right side of his face, the left side is crippled from a migraine headache he's had for over 8 years.The crowd's applause once again gives way to silence, this time the awkward silence of an astonsihed crowd which has just been caught offguard. Thorne only makes the awkward silence worse by attempting to gauge the applause which has already died out. He is unaware that the overflowing music from his headphones are being picked up by the mic and sent over the PA system very faintly.

Don't need money, Don't need fame,
Don't need no credit card to ride on this train
"GOOD MORNING AND CONGRATULATIONS."Thorne yells into the mic causing the audience to jump in there seats. Due to significant hearing loss, and the fact that he has to talk over a blaring walkman, he is unaware that he always yells."CONGRATULATIONS FOR WHAT, RIGHT? I MEAN, HEY, WHY IS THIS GUY CONGRTULATING ME, RIGHT? BECAUSE YOU ARE ALL ON YOUR WAT TO BEING THE NEXT GENERATION OF GREAT MINDS THE WORLD HAS TO OFFER, THAT'S WHY I'M CONGRATULATING YOU. I MEAN IT GUYS. I ONCE SAT OUT THERE, RIGHT WHERE YOU ALL SIT NOW, BEFORE THE SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGHS OF THE LAST 2 DECADES WERE UNCOVERED, AND I KNEW THE POSSIBILITIES OF WHAT AN MIT GRADUATE WOULD CONTRIBUTE TO SCIENCE WERE ENDLESS WAY BACK THEN.I'M TALKING BEFORE THE DNA CODE WAS CRACKED WIDE OPEN, BEFORE CLONING, STEM CELL RESEARCH,BEFORE THE HUBBLE TELESCOPE, BEFORE TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH'S THAT WE NOW TAKE FOR GRANTED LIKE THE INTERNET, WHICH WE ALL KNOW GAVE US ACCESS TO INFORMATION THAT KNOWS NO BOUNDS"
dip-dip-dip-dip they say the heart of rockn'roll is still beating
"AND FROM WHAT I SEEN I BELIEVE 'EM. UMM WAIT A MINUTE! I MEAN I REALLY BELIEVE YOU WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE,SCRATCH THAT I KNOW IT!! I MEAN IT GUYS, I KNOW YOU WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE, BECAUSE I KNOW THE DEDICATION IT TAKES TO JUST GET TO THE SEAT YOUR SITTING IN NOW. IT TAKES A REAL POWER OF LOVE TO GET THERE!!BUT YOUR THERE NOW! AND SOON SOME OF YOU WILL STAND WHERE I STAND NOW!IMAGINE WHAT THE WORLD WILL BE LIKE THEN! WILL THERE BE HUMANS WALKING ON MARS? WILL THERE BE CURES FOR ALL THE HORRIBLE DISEASE? WILL HUMAN BEING'S BE ABLE TO MAXIMIZE THEIR POTENTIAL TO LIVE ON MINIMAL ENERGY NEEDS? WHAT KIND OF ENERGY SOURCES WILL WE LIVE ON? WHERE WILL SCIENCE LEAD US? YOU WILL DECIDE THAT!!YOU MUST UNDERSTAND THAT IT WILL BE UP TO YOU, FOR YOU WILL BE THE LEADING SCIENTIFC MINDS OF TOMOROW."
one that wont make me nervous, wondering what to do
one that makes me feel like i feel when i'm with you
when I'm alone with you
"YEAH I SEE A GUY IN THE 3rd ROW WITH HIS HAND UP, AND I'LL ANSWER HIS QUESTION RIGHT NOW- YES I KNOW I'M SCREAMING OVER A WALKMAN, THANK YOU FOR POINTING THAT OUT FOR ME EINSTEIN! I GUESS I NEVER NOTICED THAT I GOT A GODDAMN WALKMAN FUSED TO MY HAND PLAYING THESE HORRIBLE SONGS FROM HUEY LEWIS AND THE GODDAMN NEWS UNTIL THIS JACKASS IN THE 3rd ROW POINTED IT OUT TO ME!!WELL THANK GOD YOU CAME TO MIT PAL, I'VE BEEN WONDERING WHAT THAT FUCKIN SOUND WAS FOR THE LAST 19 YEARS!!LOOK IT DOESN'T SHUT OFF!! (Thorne starts slamming his walkman hand into the podium in a fit of rage) IT DOESN'T EVER SHUT OFF!!!EVERY DAY WITH THE GODDAMN HUEY LEWIS!!IF I COULD SHOOT WITH MY LEFT HAND I WOULD'VE BLOWN MY BRAINS OUT 16 FUCKIN YEARS AGO!!"

Susan rushes out and takes the mic away from Thorne as a team of security guards and doctors wrestle him to the ground and sedate him.

"Please welcome Stephen Hawking"....

When You're Here. You're Family.

Jeremy was clocking out at the Olive Garden he worked at in Spring City, Utah. It was his first day, and he was relieved to be done his 8 hr. shift. He was anxious to go out and have a few drinks in his parent's basement. As he was heading to the door. His boss, Jeff Warren jumped in front of him. "Where you going there Jeremy?" "Home. My shift just ended." "Well, that it did, but don't you want to stay here and hang out with your new family." Jeremy turned around and saw about 15 Olive Garden employees. The men with their arms folded and the woman with kind of dazed look in their eyes. Jeremy felt the pressure and caved, "Yeah, I can hang out..What are we doing?"



Jeff Warren gasps, "Whew. Well, Jeremy we are going to go hang out at the church out behind the building and talk about God. Come along…"



All the employees followed Warren like ducks in a row. Jeremy felt a rub on his back and turned around. It was a young girl, maybe 15, smiling at him with a confused look in here eye. He looked behind her and saw another guy, Luke, kind of poking her in the back like he was pressuring her to do it…



Once they got in the church, Jeff Warren turned off the lights and turned on this laser light show. The organ started playing Haunted House music and a spotlight showed on Jeff Warren, He was on a rising platform with fireworks shooting out from the sides. It was like a KISS concert..



"Thank you my fellow Olive Garden employees. We here understand that when you're here, your family! Let's proceed with the marriage of Gary Fungumun and Lisa Adams. An Applause sign started blinking behind Jeff Warren and the employees all started clapping. Lisa came out in a wedding gown that Jeremy had seen in the Olive Garden stockroom earlier in the night. She was also young, maybe 16. Gary came out. He had Alfredo sauce on his apron and must have been 5o years old. He had a shit-eating grin and grabbed Lisa's hand and pulled her to the front. The organ started playing "Here Comes the Bride" with an amplifier blaring a loud voice saying, "Yooourre Family Noowww." Jeremy thought to himself. "This is fucking creepy." The spotlight shifted to Jeff Warren who had magically made his way to sea level and was reciting strange passages about arks, Ted Kennedy, the Devil, and Pabst Blue Ribbon. Next thing you know, their married. Gary drags Lisa out of the church and everyone claps!!!



Jeff Warren continues, "Ok. A few announcements. Cheslea was seen outside the Olive Garden parking lot after curfew. Cheslea what were you doing at 10:03 last night?



I was following a deer I saw in the woods. I only was across the street..



"ENOUGH\! Fellow Employees, what should we do to Cheslea for her blasphemous act?"



Someone yells out, "Shave her head!"



The men cheer in agreement.



"Shave her head it is!" Jeff Warren yells.



"The girls and guys pounce on her and drag her to the front of the church. Some old hag woman comes out of nowhere with garden shears and starts chopping her hair off. Chelsea complies and remains still while they spray shaving cream on her head and begin shaving her with a disposable razor. When done, Chelsea returns to her seat with everyone else, her scalp bleeding from the shaving.



"In other announcements, we have a new member of our family, Jeremy Wilton who has come here from the big city of Baton Rouge. Let us Welcome Jeremy."



The spotlight shifts to where Jeremy was sitting but he is not there. A window nearby is open, and the Olive Garden employees rush to look out it. They see Jeremy sprinting away."



Jeff Warren cries "Let's get him. Arm yourselves!"



The Olive Garden employees whip out knives, salad tongs, stale breadsticks, and jars of subpar spaghetti sauce.



Jeremy sprints across the street and sees a huge pasta bowl structure, almost the size of a stadium, Its too big to go around. A door straight ahead is his only chance. He opens the door and a encounters a flight of stairs. He runs down the stairwell. And runs, and runs into the darkness. He feels like he is 1000 feet below the street and is out of breath. All of a sudden a voice comes over an apparently installed PA system.



"Jeremy. Jeremy. This is your boss Jeff Warren. Do not run anymore. Youy are in the endless pasta bowl Jeremy. The only way is down into the depths of hell!" "Please join us. You will have lifelong friends, a wife, or 2 or 3 perhaps, and eternal happiness under my discretion/"



Jeremy retorts, "NEVER!"



He continues down the steps and hears a car to his left. He jumps off the stairwell and falls for what seems like forever into a pit. The pit smells of salad dressing and he finds himself somewhat stuck. "What the fuck? He struggles to swim through the lettuce. "Thank god its that cheap iceberg shit." Finallly, he reaches shore. It's still dark all around him, but he feels he is actually on land. He hears farm animals nearby and races towards them. He emerges from the woods and sees a farmhouse in the distance. He gets to the farmhouse and bangs on the door. An old man answers, "My god son, what happened to you?" "Sir, you gotta help me. The owner of the Olive Garden is trying to kill me!!" "What, that crazy bastard. Ok. I'll call the cops. Go sit down in that room over there and lock yourself in. No telling what that crazy bastard will do…



Jeremy catches his breath and runs into the living room and locks the door."He leans down with his back to the door and opens his eyes. There are thousands of lobsters crawling around. The old man's voice comes over a loudspeaker in the room. "Welcome to Spring City, Utah Jeremy. How would you like to work at our fine Red Lobster?"

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

For a kick-ass week, I recomend Myanmar‏

By Albert Burger

Wow gang, what a vaction!!! My wife Linda and I decided to break up our usual two weeks in Orlando with a week in Central Yangon, and let me tell you, we couldn't have timed it better.

At first I was resistant at the idea of travelling to Myanmar. Linda was really persistant that she needed some culture in her life, and I stood by my argument that the epcot center would give her more culture than she could cram up her wazoo. Plus, we'd still be able to shuttle over to MGM studios to catch the Indiana Jones show, which would give me the adventure fix I was seeking. Ultimately I gave in since we fund all of our travelling on her inheritance from her parents. "My dead parents, my rules",she said.You can't argue with that.

I gotta admit I didn't know what to expect in Myanmar, in fact I never even heard of the place. And when we first arrived on Sept 27th and were told we couldn't even leave the airport because the country was under "martial law", I thought, 'oh my god, next stop snoozeville'. And it only got worse from there.

Linda and I managed to sneak out of the airport OK, and thank god the hotel was only a block away because you can't catch a cab if your life depended on it in that town. So after walking a block while carrying our luggage and dodging tanks in the street, I was ready for some room service and a bud light from the mini-fridge. But get this gang, the room service girl denied me service. She was totally frantic, telling me that we "were in inherent danger" and needed to "take cover". What a drama queen.Strike one for the Myanmar Hilton.

So then I go to the mini-fridge and there was NO BUD LIGHT. All they had was Castle lager, some shitty Lager brewed in South Africa."Fuckin yuppies and there microbrews" I screamed at Linda while slamming the mini-fridge door, "What type of hell-hole did you drag me to?!!"

So I changed into my new Indiana Jones t-shirt I just picked up while we were at MGM, threw on the fanny pack and we hit the town. Thats when things got interesting.

In case you haven't been to Myanmar, and aren't familiar with there customs, I'll break it down for you. MONKS GONE WILD. It's even rowdier than a Jimmy Buffet concert. I mean these monks know how to have a good time.

They were outside breaking windows, throwing rocks, fighting, there were shots fired into the crowd. I mean it was awesome. What a sight.

So I says to Linda "Hey Linda go stand next to that guy thats on fire I wanna get a picture of you." And she did but the guy kept moving and it wouldn't come out right. I told him to stand still but he was just yelling and screaming. Not listening really. So then I walk up to this cop in riot gear and ask him "hey buddy you know where I can get a Bud Light around here? All they got is this imported shit around here. Fuckin Yuppies and there microbrews right? Hell I'm so desperate I'll even drink a Miller Lite right now." Turns out the cop didn't speak a word of English. Can you imagine that? In this day and age.

So the good news was the riots continued the whole week we were there. In my opinion it was like a cross between Indiana Jones and Mardi Gras. So in the end my wife got her share of culture and I got my adventure fix, so it was a win-win.

Definately can't wait til next years Yangon Autumn riot festival. I'll be there -front row!!!

Your Pals,
Al and Linda Burger

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Play it again Sam

Edie Sands stood in the break room stirring her coffee, trying to shake off her lingering first day jitters, when suddenly she became startled by not only the words being spoken by the man leaning against the counter, but also by the realization that she never even noticed him standing there.

"I bet you like your coffee like you like your martinis.Strong.You're my kind of woman. You don't let anybody steer your boat do ya kid? Well,... you got a lotta sass alright. A lot of sass."

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it doll."

The mysterious stranger stared dashingly at Edie as he threw his empty paper cup over his shoulder and into the waste basket while slowly walking out of the room. Edie's supervisor Jeffrey walked into the break room a moment later.

"Jeffrey who was that man that just walked out of here?"

"That was Sam Moriarty.He's got the big office in the corner"

"What does he do here?"

Jeffrey stared blankly as he realized he was pondering this question for the first time in the seven years that he's worked for the company.

"I don't know.Kind of strange now that I think about it."

Jeffrey poked his head around the corner to watch Moriarty make his way into the large open room of occupied desks, and busy workers.

"Son of a bitch! Don't freeze up on me now. My goddamn reports due in a half hour!" Henry Russell cried out as he slammed his palm into his desk.

"Say, whats the big idea"

"Sam this computer is useless. It freezes up on me everyday. I spend more time on the phone with IT then I do getting any work done."

"Well that's no reason to go around beating up on some perfectly good office furniture.What are you some kind of lunatic? Why I oughtta send you up to the funny farm with that sorted behaviour of yours."

"But Sam its the end of the quarter!"

"Now don't you say another word, 'cause I don't want to hear it! What you need is a good cool down. Take the afternoon off. Well go on, get out of here!"

"But Sam, my report is"

"Go on, scram!" Sam raised his backhand to Henry. He stopped himself only when he saw the look of horror on Edies face. He quickly composed himself, lit up a cigarette and extended the open pack in Edies direction."What do you say dollface?"

"Oh my God! What the hell's wrong with you?"

"Theres nothing wrong with me porcupine.Nothing at all see. Its this mixed up topsy turvy world thats got a problem. Everybodies so caught up in the hustle and bustle of big city life that they don't take any time to smell the roses anymore. You got people who have never even lived a day in their life before they gotta take that big ride in the back of a cadillac limousine all the way up to toe tag city.And I'll tell you something else sister, when the man upstairs asks you to join in the great poker game in the sky, the only losers are the ones who are too busy guarding their chips to play a hand. Well that aint gonna be Sam Moriarty baby!" Sam,unaware of his own actions, suddenly grabbed Edie firmly by the arm, shaking her by her bicepts "Do you hear me?!?!..That aint gonna be me."

Sam walked off leaving Edie with a confused look as she stood next to Henry Russell, who was still hunched down in his chair with his hands blocking his face.

As Sam reached his office he was approached by Jimmy Flynn, a fresh faced, hard working young man just out of college. Jimmy was very fond of Sam, and Sam was quite touched by this.

"I finished waxing your car Mr. Moriarty."

"Say that's great kid.Why don't you step into my office and I'll buy you a drink."

"But I don't drink Mr. Moriarty."

"Even better Kid, you can buy me one."

They entered Moriarty's office. It was a huge room much different from the cold, grey, corporate holding cell outside. One might suspect it would be different, based alone on the fact that it was the only office with a large frosted glass door which read Sam Moriarty. Sam's office had hard wood floors, a large, well finished mohagany desk with a bottle of bourbon and 2 glasses on it. In the corner was a fully functioning grandfather clock.Hanging on the wall behind his desk was a portrait of Sam standing in his trademark trenchcoat and hat with an intense glare on his face. The window's had wooden shades blocking the sun, and in the direct center of the room was a large bearskin rug.

"Sit down kid, take a load off"Sam motioned his hand to the hard wooden chairs in front of his desk as he poured himself a tall glass of straight bourbon. "I got an important job for you Kid. You think you're up for it?"

"Sure thing Mr. Moriarty"

"Say, I thought I told you to call me Sam."

"OK Mr. Moriarty."

"Thats more like it"

Just then the door to Moriarty's office came flying open and in walked purchasing manager Martin Duke with an infuriated look on his face.

"Moriarty!! Did you tell Henry Russell to take the afternoon off again?!?!"

"That's right. What's it to you anyways?"

"WHATS IT TO ME?!?! WHATS IT.... DAMNIT Moriarty, Henry is my employee NOT YOURS.And as a matter of fact, so is Jimmy here. Go on Jimmy, get back to work"

"Now wait just a minute Duke. The kid works for me now see. So I suggest you turn your kiester right around and get the hell outta my office before I sock you so hard your gonna be wearing a T-bone for an eyepatch until Labor day. You hear me?!!"

"I've heard enough. I'm calling HR and having you terminated." Duke walked over to Sam's desk and grew more frustrated after making a failed attempt at a phone call to HR. "Goddamnit, how the hell do you even call an extension with a rotary phone. This is just goddamn riciulous. Forget it I'll call them from my own office."

Duke stormed out of Moriarty's office leaving the door wide open behind him. Sam responded by retrieving the same switch blade from his desk drawer that he used to kill the bear that now lay as a rug in his office. He rushed around to the front of his desk and made a dash for Duke with the blade extended. In a panic Jimmy jumped up and grabbed Sam by his arm to stop him.

"Mr. Moriarty don't!"

Sam made one last look back at Jimmy while simutaneously preceeding out the door of his office, accidentally ramming the switchblade between the ribs of Edie Sands who was a mere passerby at the wrong time.

Edie pressed her hands into her side and turned white instantly at the site of the blood now on her fingertips while collapsing into Sam's arms.

"Oh no... Say it aint so kid.Say it aint so. Don't leave me now dolface...you just can't leave now.Why, we were just getting a good thing going, you and me see.Well I know I aint always the perfect gentleman baby...but I was working on that. And there was supposed to be time. Why there was gonna be plenty of good times between you and me kid, real swell times. Like the time me,you, and Jimmy over there, we was gonna take a ferry out to Martha's Vineyard and take a drive out to the country. Maybe buy a little place of our own.Away from all of this see. Why there was gonna be plenty of good times for us dollface. Just stick around a while, you'll see. I need you to just... just stick around a while."

Sam looked down to find that Edies eyes would no longer be able to look back at his. EMT's came rushing across the room, and whisked Edie from Sam and onto a gurney. Sam stood very calm with a look of shock which seemed to excuse him from the chaos around him as he continued talking to noone.

"There was supposed to be time see. There was supposed to be time."

Sam made his way out to the busy streets. He walked across the avenues without looking in either direction, subconsciously zig zagging his way through gridlock traffic. Taxis honked and drivers yelled at him, but he didn't even acknowledge them. With a newspaper under his arm and rain beginning to fall, he turned the corner and made his way down 23rd to Gary's Pub.

He walked in the bar,his entrance greeted by bells attached to the glass door. Gary came from the back room of the dark bar and looked at him and said, "What'll be Sammy?"

"Martini. Make it quick, make it dirty, and make it with a twist of the good old days. You remember the good old days, Gary?"

"Yes, I do Sam. Like they were yesterday, But you Sam, you keep the past alive."

Sam removes his hat and places it on the bar. He lights up a Marlboro and swings his barstool around until it comes in line with a portrait of FDR.

"Damn right Gary, and it comes with a price. But, hell, I got the cash to cover it."

THE END

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

The Redneck Afficiando's Netflix Reviews vol. 1

Dear Netflix,

I know it is standard protocol to submit all movie reviews via your website, but I'm afraid I have no choice but to write my review and send it snail mail, as I am currently incarcerated and facing assault, disturbing the peace, carjacking, and DWI charges after watching the 1970's mega-musical "Grease". Grease is the tale of tough guy Danny Zuko (John Travolta) and his romantic involvement with Sandy (Olivia Newton-John), which begins as a harmless Summer fling, but gets increasingly complex as their senior year of high school unfolds. I rented this movie to put an end to my wifes endless nagging which started soon after I got loaded at Double T's and drove our Range Rover through the garage door. And although I don't aprove of high school kids dating, to my surprise I found the clean cut humor was delivered perfectly from this stellar ensemble cast. And the musical score was down right infectious. So much so that my wife and I decided to break out the matching red sweatshirts, fire up the karoake machine, and lock ourselves in the basement to prepare a talent show for our 7,9,and 23 year old children.
Seeing as how Saturday's are family fun day in this household, we decided to debut our new act during the afternoon karoake jam at the Pub 99.And even though we practiced our routine for days, I gotta admit, I was a little overwhelmed with stage fright. My family ordered their meals but I had to prepare myself mentally to get up and sing "Summer Days" in front of what looked like at least 12 people. So while my family split an order of mozzarella sticks, I started off with 6 shots of Jack Daniels.Once I ordered my 2nd round, my wife (Ms. Romantic Comedy lover from Rhode Island), was immediately on my case just because I began yelling at my kids to hurry up and eat so we could go out for Chinese. I told her to shut her hole, 'cause aint no Yankee devil woman gonna tell ME I couldn't have a Mai-Tai'. Just then I noticed my feet were tapping to an upbeat familiar melody being piped through the sound system. I stood on my chair and began to clap my hands and do the boogie woogie as my wife nagged me to sit down. My 23 year old daughter held her face in her hands with a look of embarrassment, which immediately infuriated me. "How dare you ruin family fun day for your brother and sister" I screamed at her. Just then my anger would reach an ALL-TIME-HIGH when I realized the song was "youre the one that I want" from the Grease soundtrack. Here I was waiting in line to steal the show at the Pub 99's karaoke jam with a selection from the movie Grease and someone else was moving in on my territory. When I turned around to see who signed up for a pummelling courtesy of this here good ol' boy, I saw the most shocking and angering site of my life. "Youre the one that I want" was being sang duet style by two males... two homosexual males!!!
"THIS IS A TRAVESTY!" I yelled out. I immediately ran over to the gruesome twosome, picked up a microphone stand and smashed the CD player, causing sparks to fly as the music died. I then ripped both mic's from their hands and announced my moral victory over the sound system. "Grease was meant to be wholesome family entertainment, and I will not stand by and allow it to be made into a 'gay thing" I declared. And as I said 'gay thing' I used my hands to make air quotes. The M.C. yelled that he was calling the police, so I grabbed a butter knife off a table and began poking him in the side. Unfortunately it was not sharp enough to pierce the skin, so I probably gave him a few bruised ribs at best. I then dropped the butterknife on the floor and decided to flee. I ran into the parking lot and ran directly in front of a Chevy Cavalier filled with teenage girls forcing the driver to brake just before hitting me, sending my torsoe sailing onto her windshield. I then jumped off the hood, opened the drivers side door and through the driver onto the asphalt as I took the wheel. I couldn't help but think that the cracks on the windshield I created looked like a large silver spiderweb. And with the combination of screaming teenage passengers, lack of visibility, and 6 shots of J.D., it wasn't long at all until I had lost control of the vehicle. Ironically enough I slammed directly into the side of a Blockbuster video store, and was arrested momentarily after.
All in all, I can't give Grease a full four stars, because I feel that the Bee-Gees disco-esque theme song which played over the opening credits was a departure from the 1950's period piece the filmmakers were shooting for, which in my book was a total sellout on behalf of the producers. So I'm going to give this movie a solid 3 1/2 stars.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

I'm Going to See This Email Chain Letter Through

By Donnie Waldron

Mindy, the head cheerleader at Hopeless High is talking with some classmates,

'Today is a blessed day. Send this to ten of your friends and your dreams will come true.'

"That was the email chain letter I forwaded two weeks ago. I sent it to ten friends. Since then, I have been soooo lucky. Like yesterday, the guy charged me 1.59 for my Arizona Iced Tea instead of 1.69. And, then, I got all green lights all the way to work and was 5 minutes early for like the first time in a month. So, I said to my mom that all this great stuff was happening cuz of that chain letter. So, I tracked down all my friends and their friends and their friends' friends just to make sure it was still going. Apparently, it totally has stopped because it got forwarded to this one loser who can't find 10 people to forward it to. I asked him what the deal was and he was asking me all these dumb questions like "Can I send it to people who already got it.?" Che. I mean, don't you know the rules buddy? So, I told him he better forward that thing by the end of today or I am going to go psycho on him."

That loser was Donnie Waldron.

"I've got this email chain letter. My reputation depends on me sending it to 10 people. I could just send it as spam, but that bitch would follow up on me and be like, "Who's that loser?" She's the beauty queen at our high school, so she could pretty much ruin me in one or two periods and then I'd be done for. So, I have decided that for once in my life, I am going to see this thing through. I started trying to talk to people at the mall. It was awkward, cause I am not an outgoing guy. Kind of a loser to be honest. But hey, I tried and got no where. I was going to quit right then, but I remembered the time I quit soccer, the trumpet, Resident Evil III, watching Battlefield Earth, church, clipping my nails, all those things. The only thing I never quit was smoking and masturbating. Anyway, I just started picking up the phone and calling classmates I didn't really normally talk to. Most of them were confused and called me a freak. One girl in my math class I talked to for a while, but when I mentioned the chain letter, she said she already got it. So, I hung up on her, because what more is there to say?"

So, I hit the streets. I took the bus to downtown and started getting in with some homeless people. They were actually pretty cool. At first. I told them that this letter could change their life and I'd help them set up a free email account at the local library. So, me and 9 homeless dudes went to the library together. I set up accounts for them. I wasn't really sure what to put, so I just put homeless_guy1, homeless_guy2, and so on. Their password was all "ripple", so they could remember it. So, I logged in my account and was about to send it to them, when I felt a poke in my back. One of the guys had a knife and told me to login to my online banking account and do a money transfer to his Paypal account. So, I transferred the $251.45 I had saved for the last year cutting lawns to his account. I turned around and asked if I could still send the chain letter and they said, "No. No idiot believes in those stupid things!" and they tossed me down the concrete steps of the library. At the exact same time, Mindy and her friends were driving by in their convertible and saw the whole thing. That dick Juno yelled, "Loser Fag!" and they all started laughing. Mindy yelled out, "You got til 6:00 loser!"

I scraped myself off. Humiliated? Yes. Disappointed? Yes. Injured? A little. But I was going to see this email chain letter through. Who knows? Maybe it was bring me some solace after all.

With it almost being 5, I decided to just access our school's website and get our faculty email addresses. I found 10 of them, 4 which I had classes with, and just forwarded it.

Done. I could go to bed and enjoy my weekend.

After another boring weekend of George Lopez reruns and XBOX games, I felt good about what might come of me. I met Mindy's demands and something good could come out of this. I walked into school happier than I had been in years. But all that changed. Real fast.

As soon as I got through the front door, I walked into a hostile environment. All the jocks, geeks, cheerleaders, and even the retards were lined up against the wall laughing hysterically at me. At the end of the hallway stood Mr. Pickens, the principal. He was waving an angry finger at me. What happened?

I slowly walked down the hall taking insults and paperclips to the head.

I finally got to Mr. Pickens office and he showed me a photograph.

"Do you know what this is umm…Donnie?"

"I'm not sure, but it looks like a woman's vagina."

"Bingo. Now what the heck were you doing forwarding this email to my teachers."

"It was a chain letter that the students were forwarding so I figured for my dreams to come true I could forward it and then all bad things would…"

"Shut up. Chain letter? You kids still believe in those things. Hope I'm dead and buried when you guys get in the workplace..No, this was an email originally to a Dr. Donnie Waldron."

"That's my father, I am Donnie Jr."

"No shit. Really?!!! For a minute there I thought you were a doctor."

"Really, well I appreciate that but.."

"I'm joking you idiot. You really aren't too bright are you?"

I lowered my head and said, "No."

"Well, apparently this is an email to your dad, an OB/GYN, from a patient about a rash. Do you share an email account with your father?"

"Yes, but it's only temporary until he gets his computer setup at his new apartment. With the divorce and all I guess I was.."

"Stupid? Careless? Careless and Stupid?"

I lowered my head and said, "Yes."

"Well, do you know whose vagina that is?"

"No. I guess from a lady. A black lady?"

"Well, you're getting smarter by the minute their Donnie. That vagina is Mrs. Robertson. You know, you're math teacher."

"Oh no."

His eyes got big like that bad guy golfer from Happy Gilmore. "Oh yes Donnie. Oh yes."

He got right in my face with a devilish grin. "No, I want you to get up and get out of here and don't come back for 2 weeks. You're suspended."

I walked out of his office and everyone was laughing including him. I felt horrible. I took another long walk down the hall. As I neared the door, I looked up at Mindy.

She shook her head, "All you had to do was forward it loser. You ruined it for everyone."

I said, "I sure did. But that bitch will never give me a D in her class again-that nasty, skanky, gonorreah-ridden slut. Oh, and if I were you I wouldn't continue sleeping with that 23-year old PE teacher either. Cause he tagged that skank months ago and just found out he's got that shit too, which of course means, so do you. Happy Web-MDing you bitch."

Chain letters do work after all. With two weeks of vacation, I can finally finish Resident Evil III and forget about hanging myself.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Dogfight of the Century: McGruff the Crime Dog vs. Michael Vick

"This is going to be one for the ages. An all out fight to the death between Michael Vick and McGruff the Crime Dog. Ironically, this one is held in a cage, so there's little chance of escape. Let's take a look at what led to this and what transpired as a result"

Back in August after Vick plead guilty, McGruff came out and challenged Michael. Here's the press conference that took place at McGruff's doghouse in upstate NY.

"On behalf of all canines and animals, I just want to say what a disgrace this man is. I feel that prison time is not enough. So, since I'm in the Criminal business, I have pulled some strings. I have spoken with Judge Henry Hudson of the Richmond court and Roger Goodell, commissioner of the NFL. We have agreed that if Michael and I fight in a death match and he wins, he may go free and be reinstated in the NFL as soon as next season. If I win, well, Michael's dead. I'm here to tell you Michael. Yes, you. That this is your only chance. Through me. But I'm gonna tell you, I'm ready to train and when the match is over, I'll have once again "Taken a Bite Out of Crime"!"

Larry Dongo, ESPN Boxing Commentator: "Unbelievable. After deliberating with his attorneys, the elusive QB chose to take McGruff's challenge. That brings us here tonight. Let's go to Johnny Prenana, our Boxing Analyst. Johnny, what do you think about tonite?

"Well, it's hard to say. I have never seen a dog fight a human before in a cage match. Michael's quick and McGruff ain't no puppy. He's 27 years old and in Dog years, that's pretty fucking old. So, I'd have to hand it to Michael."

"Thanks Johnny. Well, Vegas agrees. They have Vick winning with 3 to 1 odds. Let's go to Howard Fink for the announcement.

"Ladies, Gentleman, Bitches, and Bastards. Thank you for coming to Madison Square Garden for the Dogfight of the Century. Let's get ready to ruuuummmbbblllleeeeeee! Coming down the aisle, from Newport News, Virginia, weighing at 190 pounds, the dog killa, Michael Vick!"


Booes drown out the crowd. Bones, biscuits, cellphones, everything is being winged at Vick and his entourage. Don King stands by Michael's side with a big grin on his face as Prodigy's "Smack my Bitch Up" plays over the speakers.

"Wow. This crowd is pumped up. Wait a minute. Section 300 is howling and barking. I've never seen so many dogs."

"Yes, Larry. I think the final count was about 10,000 canines here tonight. Some with their owners, some without."

"Unbelievable. Let's here McGruff's intro"

"Now approaching the ring. From Syracuse, New York. The Crimedog himself. Weighing in at 80 pounds, it;'s MGrfffffff, the CRiiimmmeee Dog!"

"The crowd is giving him a standing ovation. Wow, he looks good coming down in his standard Trenchcoat."

McGruff gets near the ring, takes off his trenchcoat and hands it to his manager Brian Griffin.

The referee gets them in the middle of the ring. McGruff is on all fours. Vick towers over him.

"Ok guys, no gloves in this match. Not sure where you can hit and can't hit. And there's no rounds, so I really have no purpose here. Just shake hands and paws and let's get it on!"

Vick puts out his hand. McGruff spins and leg sweeps him, bringing him to the ground.

The crowd cheers!

"Wow. McGruff means business. The bell has sounded. Here we go!"

"Michael is jabbing at him, trying to measure him. He's got the reach advantage. McGruff is taking some hard shots and just growling. Ohhh.Vick caught him with a right!"

Vick starts talking smack to McGruff, "That's right old dog. Can't teach an old dog new tricks. When I'm done with you, I'm taking your dead corpse to the rape stand, bitch.

McGruff sprints past Vick and bounces off the ropes and leaps into the air with a cross body check on Vick. Vick goes down and McGruff is tearing up his leg.

"Ahhhhh! Ahhhh!" Vick is yelling in pain.

"Wow Vick is really screaming in their. Oh my god. McGruff isn't!??"

McGruff walks around the ring pumping up the crowd and then goes up to Vick's head.

He lifts his hind leg up and urinates on Vick's face. The crowd is eating it up. The song, "Who Let the Dogs Out" explodes and the crowd responds with "Ruff! Ruff! Ru-ruff!"

Vick is unable to walk and blood is spewing out of his Achilles heel.

McGruff starts doing Hulk Hogan impressions and walks up to Vick. "You'll never play again Number 7.Ok, enough is enough. The viewers got their 49.95 worth. McGruff climbs on the top rope and jumps off and nails Vick with a flying elbow. McGruff walks around the ring showboating some more.

"McGruff better hurry and finish him off!"

McGruff trots over and lunges for Vick's neck, but Vick moves out of the way and reverses it and bites him back. Vick has his jaw clenched on McGruff.

"Oh my, the tide has turned!!!!"

McGruff is yelping in pain. Vick wiggles McGruff around with his teeth and finishes him off. McGruff is lifeless in the middle of the ring.

The crowd is silent.

Vick crawls on all fours since he can no longer walk. He's got a sick look in his eye like he really has become a dog. He crawls out of the cage and starts barking at everyone. The dogs in the crowd start barking back and after a 5 minute barking standoff, the dogs stampede down the aisles toward Vick. Vick fights them off growling and biting, but he is overwhelmed. The 10,000 dogs all pile on him and rip him to shreds.

Johnny Prenana screams, "This place is complete chaos! Larry let's get the hell out of here!!!"


Larry Dongo casually gets up with his cordless mic and is looking into the camera. Meanwhile, bodies are flying everywhere behind him. "There you have it ladies and gentlemen. Vick has defeated the Crime Dog, but has not defeated his demons. He has become possessed you might say. Well, there you have it. What a mess. The Janitors are going to be working late tonite."

The crowd scurries out of the stadium as vicious dogs rampage the place. It all empties out into the streets of New York. 10,000 dogs on the loose and cops trying to spray them with pepper spray. It's no match. The dogs have taken over.

"Well, irony strikes again. Man's best friend has become man's worst enemy and turned on every man, woman, and child. It looks like a dog's best friend is well, just another dog. Perhaps, Vick broke the valuable circle of trust between human and his canine companion that existed for so many years.

And from where I am standing, it looks like McGruff's legacy not only took a bite out of crime, but a bite out of the Big Apple. Good night everyone."

Monday, August 13, 2007

E-Harmony.com's Bitch

As I walked through the hallway of the multi-unit apartment building I live in, I couldn't figure out why I was in such a good mood. It could've been the 12 inch hoagie under my arm or the bag of Cheeto's I was munching on, but really I think it was that I'd been waiting all day to come home and kick my roommate Andy's ass at some old school Tekken on my PS1 that I dusted off last weekend. Last night we were up until 6 AM and I kept using the same combo, and let me tell you I WOOPED HIS ASS...BAD!!! He didn't win a single fight. He actually started tearing up just before he stormed off to bed. It was sooo funny. Plus he uses the girl character so I called him Candy all night.

So today at work, it was a little hard for me to pay attention to my spreadsheets considering I was too busy laughing my balls off. I sent a few instant messenges to the people in his department telling them that he was crying over a 9 hour Tekken beatdown. He got so pissed off that people were ripping on him and calling him Candy, that he actually screamed at his boss and got sent home with a written warning. Yo, that is some money shit right there. So naturally I was looking forward to an awesome night. I was definately gonna make him cry again. I could just feel it.

As I got close to our unit I could hear the TV cranking from the hallway. I recognized what Andy was watching. It was an E-Harmony.com commercial. I could hear that annoying-ass song.."This could be - an ever lasting love.". You know the song. LAME. Everytime I see that old guy in the commercial, and all those pussy-ass couples that just love talking to each other I just wanta bitch slap somebody. Mostly that old dude in the commercial. If I ever see that guy I'm gonna give him a DDT. Jake the Snake style.

When I walked in the door, Andy was sitting on the couch and he looked pretty T.O.'d. My Playstation was unhooked and packed back up in the cardboard box it was in. From the look on his face I realized I may have gone too far. I was gonna have to try and make it up to him.

"Cheeto?" I asked, shoving the half eaten bag under his nose. He didn't respond, he just stared at the tv with an angry look on his face. Oh well, I thought to myself, I tried my best.

"Alright Candy, hookup the Playstation and put your lipstick back on."

"I'm watching this."

"Your watching Fraser?! I don't think so. C'mon pussy hookup the playstation."

"I told you I'm watching this!"

"Well I aint watching Fraser so stop being a be-yatch and hookup the playstation. And get me a PBR while your up."

"Fine! Take the TV then!" Andy yelled, his voice giving way to a wimper as he stormed into his bedroom.

I was on my own it seemed. I sat back, ate my hoagie, threw back a few PBR's, and watched a couple of episodes of Fraser. It got boring quick. I wanted to get my Tekken on.

"Andy" I yelled as I walked to his room.

"Go away" he replied

I walked into his room. He was sitting at his desk logged into his laptop. He immediately lowered the monitor which made me suspect he was looking at porn. I decided not to say anything, since he was being so sensitive. I just wanted him to come hang out.

"Come on Andy, lets play Tekken."

"I don't want to."

"Andy...give the goddamn porn a rest and lets play some Tekken."
By this point I was tired of being a nice guy about the whole thing, and my patience was wearing thin. So I walked over and lift up his monitor, and sure enough, he's registering for E-harmony.com. I just had to laugh when I saw that.

"Ha-Ha-Ha. You ladies man you."

"Hey at least I'm trying to get a girl.Unlike you. You'll never get a girlfriend."

"Yeah right. I gotta beat the ho's off with a stick. Happy wife shopping Be-Yatch." I turned around and left, closing the door behind me as I sang "This could be - an everlasting love."

So I didn't make him cry. It still turned out to be an awesome night.

That Saturday night I came home from the Gamestop with the new Spiderman game and a fresh sixer of PBR as Andy was getting ready for his hot date. He was standing in the mirror sweating bullets, checking his hair. I couldn't wait to see what kind of beast was gonna walk through the door. I cracked a fresh PBR, opened a snackpack of cheeto's and waited for the show to start.

There was a knock on the door and Andy ran to open it.

"Andy? Hi. It's great to finally meet you."

"Hey April. come on in.This is my roommate."

"Cheeto?"I offered.

"No thanks."

"Your loss." I said. And I meant it too. To my surprise, she wasn't half bad. I mean she wasn't hot, but I'd do her.

"So what's the plan" April asked.

"Well I figured we could go out to dinner. The limo should be here any minute." Andy replied.

"Yo, you hired a limo? You still owe me six bucks!" I was pissed.Little did I know at the time that was only the beginning of me getting pissed at Andy and this girl.

Within a week she moved in, quit her job and started ruling Andy with an iron-whip which was directly attacched to her hoo-ha. She was of no use to me because she didn't hang out with any other chicks. In fact, she always had a bunch of dudes hanging out at the apartment. And at least one of them would always try to hit me up for a PBR. But I'd say fuck that. You're lucky I let you get your ass kicked at Tekken by me.

This chick had to go. The problem was there was no reasoning with Andy about it.It was gonna be up to me...me and my old pal Pepe Lopez. We were going to have to make Andy see the light. And as much as I thought paying $8.99 for a gallon of tequilla was highway robbery, I saw it as an investment. So I picked up a gallon of Pepe and brought it home on the 3rd Friday that she lived there.

Sure enough, I walk into my apartment, Aprils partying with like 19 dudes, and theres no sign of Andy. It turns out she sent him to CVS to buy her some makeup.So I slap the tequilla on the kitchen table and break out the collectable shot-glasses from all the mad travelling i've done. (Atlantic City, Asbury Park, Jersey City, etc.)

Within minutes, April and her gang of freeloading Gerardo's start doing shots and we have a full blown party on our hands in no time. I throw some old school House of Pain into my CD player and keep 'Jump Around' on repeat just to heat things up. By the time Andy came back with April's makeup, things were getting pretty wild. Me and this dude named PJ were rockin' out to Jump Around, as April was now topless and dancing on the table.

"Dude what the fuck." Andy yelled at me.

"Hey don't look at me, they're not my friends" I responded. I then turned around and gave PJ a chestbounce and we started rappin in each others face.

"I came to get down, I came to get down, so get out your seat and jump around."

So Andy walks over to the table that April was on and timidly asks her to get down, which of course only set her off, and she told him to fuck off.So then Andy disapeared into his room and came back out with a can of mace (April's mace actually). With tears in his eyes he opened the door and announced to everyone to get out cause he's calling the cops. As the crowd cleared out throughout a frenzy of insults and slurs directed to Andy's manhood, I was quite pleased to see that April was joining them. I knew I only had a short window to seal the deal, so I ran into Andy's bedroom and gathered up her shit and began throwing it off the balcony. As Andy sat in the corner crying with his head in his hands, I threw back a few more shots of Pepe and I threw all of her belongings over the balcony. (everything except her religious picture with the footprints story on it...SCORE!!)

So April was out, Andy was in his room crying and I had my place back the way I liked it. After all the dust settled and the excitement was over I decided to send Andy on a late night Taco Bell run. I walked into his room and sure enough he was logged into his laptop, and immediately he lowered the monitor.

"Please tell me your looking at porn." I pleaded as I walked over and raised the monitor. But of course he was back on E-harmony.com. "Yo, this is whack" I told him. "If your going back on that shit I'm telling you right now, you can't let anyone else move in here. If you start going out with some bee-yach and you want to live with her thats fine, but you need to move into her place."

9 days later Andy moved in with his new girlfriend Lakeisha.

Besides the occassional email, I had lost all contact with Andy for nearly 2 years. Then one day as I walked into Bills Liquors to get a sixer of PBR a small Asian kid ran head first into my thigh. I looked around to find at least 4 other kids of all different ethnic backgrounds running up and down the aisles, knocking over the occassional bottle of wine. As I made my way to the beer cooler to grab some PBR I heard a familiarly nervous voice attempting poorly to discipline the children.

"Andy!!" I yelled out. And there he was behind the counter. " Why are you working here? Did you get fired from U-teck?"

"No I still got that job but they wouldn't let me work more than 50 hours a week so I'm doing 20 hours a week here on the side. You know how it is when you got mouths to feed."

"Yo,you got kids now?"

"technically no. But my 3 ex-wives have kids, excuse me - hey Rodrigo put down that Rum. So yeah, I agreed to pay child support and take them on weekends in the pre-nups."

"So let me get this straight. You had them sign pre-nups but you still got screwed?"

"No they made me sign pre-nups. But when I get married next spring I told Amber no way am I signing a pre-nup. $4.68 for the Pabst Chief."

I paid Andy for the PBR and left. And as I walked out the door, I felt truly grateful to be me. In fact I wouldn't trade places with anybody. I took a deep breath of fresh air in, and looked forward to a night with my true love...me,myself, and I.

As I walked to the car I began singing to myself "This could be- an everlasting love."

Monday, August 6, 2007

Don’t call me Guy. My name is Buddy

By Buddy Guy

Listen children. I’ve been playin’ guitar for 60 years. I don’t need you new, sassy music critics cramping my style and aksing stupid questions. My music speaks for itself. Some consider me one of the best of all time. So, for you to sit there and call me “Guy” is downright disrespectful. You didn’t going around calling the late,great Mr. James Brown, Brownie now did you? So, “What’s up, guy?” don’t cut it, you see. “What’s up, Buddy?”, now that’s ok. Mr. Guy is cool. Just plain Guy? No, now that ain’t cool. Where I’se come from, you treat people with respect, especially your elders. Which you can see I am. Now, the ladies won’t tell you that, right sugar mama? (laughter.) He-he. Anyway, one of the reasons for this press conference is to tell all you from Rolling Stone and Relics and all that shit is that nobody, and I mean nobody is to address me by my last name ‘Guy’ anymore. Can you dig that? Now I’ll take some questions.

“Yes, Guy. Ben Fung Torres Rolling Stone. Are you plan-“

“Muthafucka. Did you hear what I just goddamn told you Mr. Shitty-Shitty Chang Chang? My name ain’t Guy.” “Get the fuck outta my hotel”.“Next Question.”

“Can you tell all the guys and girls how long when your next..”

"You patronizing me sucka? I'm going wrap this polkadot guitar around your candy ass.Get outta here. Jerome, show Mr. Wiseass Reee-port-ahhh the door-a-huhh."(plays a riff)

“Guy Buddy, do you plan on playing the Bonnaroo..”

“What! Did you just assbackward my name and shit? You looking in a mirror? Cause if you are, I could borrow it, if you know what I mean. (laughter). But no shit, to sit there Mr. Dislexia (blues chord), Buddy Guy is going to wrecks yaaaa’(cymbal crash) up and down this here floor. Now, get your ass outta here-here-heeerree and wind up.(drum beat) Wind up. (drum beat) I said Wind up (drum beat) out the door. (blues jam)

“Mr. Buddy Guy?”

“Yes, sir”

“Now is Guy your given name or is it your-“

“You think you bad?”

“Well..”

“I aks you a goddamn question you fidgety music pisser who don’t know jack shit about the blues. You come here to this fine establishment. Good shrimp by the way there Tony.”

“Thanks Guy”

(Dirty Look). Anyway. You tryin’ to play with me like you bad? Well,let me show you what bad is. (wah-wah) Bad is meee. (wah-wah) And meee is bad. (wah-wah) But you don’t call me bad. Uh-uh. (wah-wah) And you don’t call me guy. No sir. (wah-wah) So, it’s time for you (wah-wah) to say, say, say goooood-bye…Hm-hmm-hmmm..”

“Mr. Buddy Guy, are you planning on coming out with a new album?”

“Yes, ma’am. I sure do. It’s going to be mostly instrumental. Riffs and riffs galore, ladies and gentleman.”

“What will be the title?”

“The Buddy System. Which I think we about covered today, don’t you think? Now everyone get your two bit asses outta here. I’m too old for this shit.”

“The Buddy System, Can you believe that guy?”

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Tribute to Turbo

You know that black guy named Turbo? Well you do now Sucka!!!

You know that black guy named Turbo?

"Hey you know that black guy named Turbo?"

"Turbo? Yeah he's a hot shit huh?"

"Yeah I guess.But whats the deal with that guy?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know, like with the way he always does the robot. And then he starts breakdancing."

"Oh yeah. Isn't that awesome? Turbo can fuckin' breakdance his ass off. And when he does the robot it's like the real thing. Hey Tommy remember that time Turbo was breakdancin' in front of the strobe light and everybody thought he was really a breakdancin' robot?"

"That was fuckin' awesome.Turbo can move huh? He's a hot shit man."

"Well that's the other thing. I mean, why does he bring a bag of lighting equipment with him everywhere he goes?"

"Adds to the effect. When he's breakdancin' that is."

"Breakin'...That's what Turbo calls it. That's why he works all that overtime. He's saving up for a set of lasers. One green, one gold.It's gonna be awesome."

"It's gonna be pisser."

"But why does he dress like that?"

"Like what?"

"You know what I mean. Why's he always wearing silver? I mean everyday all his clothes are silver. From his jacket with the puffy shoulders to his silver leather pants. And those silver moon boots. Everyday he dresses like that."

"Does he really? I never really noticed. What a hot shit."

"And then theres his haircut. He's got a tilted flat top like Bobby Brown had in 1989. The guys like 58, he pretends to be a breakdancing robot, and he works in the kitchen of a nursing home. I just don't get it."

"What's not to get. He's Turbo. He's a hot shit."

"I don't know. I think he's kind of a weirdo."

"Woa buddy. You got a problem with Turbo?!?"

"That's fucked up man. Turbo's a hot shit!"

"No I don't got a problem with him. It's just that we're all here workin' in this nursing home kitchen, and this older dude named Turbo busts in and starts breakdancing..."

"Breakin'....Turbo calls it breakin'."

"Whatever. I just think the guys a little weird that's all."

Just then the double doors to the kitchen burst open and a strobe light comes sliding across the floor,snapping into place as it's powercord reached it's end. A strobe light was then followed by an old boombox playing Run DMC's rendition of 'Walk This Way'. Turbo makes his grand entrance, wearing all silver as usual, doing a moonwalk that would put Michael Jackson circa 1983 to shame. As the classic Joe Perry riff fills the room with excitement, Turbo trumps it all by going into his robot. Sliding down to the ground, he gracefully rolls a windmill into a backspin which seems to last a full minute. He then jumps back to his feet and goes back into the robot waving at the three men in front of him. 2 watch with amazement. 1 watches with confusion. Turbo then leaps in the air and wipes the look of confusion off his co-workers face with a fierce roundhouse kick to the jaw. The mighty Turbo then stands over his co-worker, who is now laid out on the floor, and contiues to wave like a robot. Then, without even turning around, Turbo simply moonwalks back out of the room.

"You had that coming to you."

"No shit. Turbo's got ears like a hawk man. He don't take no shit either."

"He used to teach Karate to the Black Panthers."

"Turbo's a hot shit man."

Sunday, July 22, 2007

the 3 things you need to know to get into heaven

In a celestial environment where the color of pure white surrounds you, embraces you, empowers you, and enlightens you, we see St. Peter, the keeper of the glorious golden gate to heaven. He sits modestly at his well finished oak desk which holds only an enormous book with gold leaf pages upon it's edges. He writes using a simple quill feather which he dips into a bottle of black ink.

Before him stands a line of the freshly departed who now stand to await their eternal fate. Some feel the loss of the live they have just been relieved of. Others feel grateful at the thought of meeting their heavenly father. But all feel the burdon of the judgement they face from St. Peter.

Sometimes the line can be thousands long, but on this particular date, it is short, and it is moving quickly. George Russo and his wife Brenda stand last in the line, and are quite pleased to hear word coming from the front that there are only 3 questions to answer to get by St. Peter.

"Oh George, can you believe it? We're really going to heaven." decalared Brenda

"I know it Brenda, isn't it just wonderful?." exclaims George

"Look George theres a woman coming to join us in the line."

"Wait til we tell her she only has to answer 3 questions and she'll soon be in Heaven.She'll be delighted."

Cheryl Kudlacik comes walking up behind George and Brenda. She is wearing dark, oversized sunglasses, and is carrying an extra large Dunkin Donuts iced coffee. Cheryl is greeted warmly by George and Brenda.

"Well hello new friend. Welcome to the line to heaven. I'm Brenda and this is my husband George"

"Oh you gotta be fuckin' kidding me."

"Excuse me?"

"Did my son-in law put you up to this? He did, didn't he?! That MOTHA-FUCKA. He's a fuckin sick bastard man, seriously he's fuckin nuts!! I don't know how he comes up with this shit but this one was fuckin good!!"she states while speaking through a chuckle.

"No I'm afraid my wife is telling you the truth. We've all passed on. And now we're waiting to meet with St. Peter who will decide our fate. But don't worry,we're told he is only asking 3 questions of all of us, and then we can pass."

The line continues moving, and the anticipation grows among those who wait for their meeting with destiny. A beuatiful angel with flowing blonde hair dressed in a pure white gown begins making her way through the line, greeting and comforting everyone.

"Hello Cheryl. Welcome to the gates of heaven. It won't be much longer, and you should be inside in no time at all. But in the meantime is there anything I can get you to make your wait more comfortable."

"Yeah how 'bout a lawn chair."

"Umm, I don't know if we have any lawn chairs out here. Let me check on that."

"Well can I at least SMOKE?!?!"

"Of course you can smoke silly. This is Heaven, not America. Newport box right?"

The angel makes a pack of Newport box appear into thin air, and a fresh cigarette appears between Cheryl's lips and lights itself up.

"Oh you are good!! I mean you are really fucking good!! Wait I tell my sister Debbie about this. Well I can't really. I'll have to send her a sign. Maybe I'll light make her Virginia Slims light on their own while she's watching CSI on the fuckin couch. Ha Ha, oh man. Hey can you hit my brother with a lightning bolt? Actually don't do that, I finally got the fuck away from the mothafucker. Make sure he's not at my funeral!!"

"I'm sorry Cheryl, we angels can't control what people do while they're still on Earth."

"George Russo" Calls out St. Peter in a stern voice. Cheryl now realizes she is nearing the front of the line, as Brenda looks back and gives her a smile.

"Yes St. Peter, I am ready."says George as he approaches the desk.

"Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. Look heres the drill. 3 questions. Answer 'em right your in. Answer 'em wrong I gotta give ya the 86." St. Peter looks up at George and motions his thumb over his shoulder to stress that he has to 86 the poor souls who answer incorrectly.

"Question 1. What did you do to help your fellow mankind?"

"Well I served in the Piece Corps for 8 years, and I helped a village in Southeast Asia create a sustainable source of drinking water. It was quite effective actually."

"Question 2. How were you able to treat others the way you wanted to be treated?"

"Well for starters I always gave everyone I met to a gracious smile and a how do you do."

"Alrighty. Question 3. Who sang Green Eyed Lady?"

"Umm. I'm sorry?"

"Green Eyed Lady. Who sang it"

"I don't want to come across the wrong way, but what does that have to do with anything?"

St. Peter looks into the large book and puts on his reading glasses.

"Mr. Russo, I'm showing that you have heard the song Green Eyed Lady over 19,000 times in your lifetime. Now God did give you a brain which was capable of paying attention to the world around you and appreciating all the glorious creations of your fellow man, one of which being the song Green Eyed Lady. Now I'll ask you one more time....who sang the song?"

"Ahh..Ahhh.."

"I need an answer."

"Supertramp" George blurted out incorrectly, and the ground beneath opened up and swallowed him swiftly and whole.

"Brenda Russo." ordered St. Peter, calm as ever.

"Oh my God! George! What happened to him" she cries out hysterically through her tears.

"Don't worry Mrs. Russo, he got 2 out of 3 which means he only got 900 years in Purgatory. He'll be fine. Now I'm sure you know the drill 3 questions, bada-bing bada-boom and we're done. Question 1. What did you do to help your fellow mankind?"

still hysterical Brenda attempts to pull herself together" Well, well I don't know...I was in the peace corps with George."

"Whatever... the Peace Corps. Like I haven't been hearing that all day. Question 2. How were you able to treat others the way you fealt you wanted to be treated?"

"I was a very curteous person. I had good manners, always, I swear."

"Right-O and who sang Green Eyed Lady?"

"I...I...I don't know"

"Need an answer."

"The...The...The Commodores."

The ground opened up and Mrs Russo was quickly on her way to join Mr. Russo.

"Cheryl Kudlacik"

Cheryl steps up to the desk and puts her cigarette butt out on the floor.

"Alright St. Peter lets go. I want in that fuckin gate,"

"OK Cheryl. Question 1. What did you do to help your fellow mankind"

"Well I worked with the elderly and I feel I always took the extra step for them."

"Good. Good. Question 2. How were you able to treat others the way you wanted to be treated?"

"I feel I was a very generous person."

"That's great. And who sang Green Eyed Lady?"

"Well I know it wasn't the fuckin Commodores."

"Good answer. I like your spunk. I tell you what. I'm gonna send you back. And when you get there I want you to take some enjoyment in the creative work of others because it's an importact part of life. And the next time I see you, you damnwell better know who sang Green Eyed Lady. Or I'll 86 ya."

St. Peter snapped his fingers and Cheryl found herself laid out on the floor of a Dunkin Donuts in Warwick RI surrounded by EMT's. The song Green Eyed Lady was playing softly on the radio. She began responding and the crowd hovering around her applauded.

Over the next few months Cheryl took a deeper appreciation in life than she ever had before. She spent a lot of time listening to music, and she was generally grateful for not only her life but of the lives of her loved ones.

Shortly after that her son in law became gravely ill. He very quickly found himself in a hospital bed sharing his final moments surrounded by his closest friends and family. He was looking around and just as he noticed his mother in law had not arrived, she burst throught the door and ran to his side.

"Bill theres something very important you need to know!!" She said to him. "Listen to me Bill. Sugarloaf sang Green Eyed Lady. Did you hear me? Bill, Sugarloaf sang Green Eyed Lady."

Bills gathering of loved ones looked confused and bewildered. Bill took off his oxygen mask and motioned Cheryl to come closer so he could speak to her, and with his final breath he said to her;

"What the fuck is wrong with you."

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Penpal Letters From C. Everett Koop

In 1986, I was a 4th grader attending John F. Kennedy Elementary School in Blackstone, MA. Our teacher had assigned us the task of writing a letter to any member of the U.S. Government. In this letter we had to explain why we chose to write to them.We also had to ask them a question about themselves, and include a post script.

Most kids in my class chose to write to President Reagan. I wrote my letter to Surgeon General C. Everett Koop.

I only wrote to the Surgeon General once, and in return, I received at least two letters per month for the next 21 years. I have decided to publish our one-sided correspondence in a segment I call:

PENPAL LETTERS FROM C. EVERETT KOOP.

The following was the first and only letter I wrote to the Surgeon General:


October 9, 1986

Dear Mr. Koop,

My name is Jeremy. I am 9 years old. I live in Blackstone. I chose to write to you because you don't want kids to smoke. Danny Rockwell smokes. He's bad. He is in the 7th grade. He ruined my fort. What does the C. in your name stand for?

Do you like the Celtics? When I grow up I want to be on the Celtics. Why do you wear Navy clothes? My uncle Pete is in the Navy. My grandfather was in the Navy.My cousin Scotty might join the Navy. My Dad was not in the Navy.

Your Friend,
Jeremy

P.S. What does the C. in your name stand for?


The following was the first letter I recieved from C. Everett Koop:

October 11, 1986

Dear Jeremy,

I am delighted that you chose to write to me. I can't tell you how glad I am to hear that there's at least one kid smart enough to listen to this old fool from the sea. But seriously Jeremy, promise me you'll never smoke. Promise me!!!

And as far as that scumbag Danny Rockwell goes, you're right! If he smokes he is bad. And he damn well better stay the hell away from my new friend Jeremy. If not I'll pick him right up by his fuckin' throat with one hand and say 'listen punk, when you fuck with a navy man's buddy, you're fuckin' with the whole damn Navy.' And then I'll say 'whats the matter sissy... can't breathe? Hey, you're the smoker. Buy the ticket take the ride bitch'. Then I'll drop his ass. What you don't think I can do it?!?! I might be old, but you can't take the tough out of a Navy man!

Hey don't worry about that fort, man. I'm pretty handy, and I have a lot of tools. I'll fix it up for you. Make it better even.

I gotta admit it feels good to have a penpal again, buddy. It takes me back to my younger days. When I was at sea a lot of times, all I had to keep me going was a good lettter. Otherwise I'd go stir crazy and start fights. I broke this one fellers leg this one time, with this giant monkey wrench. He wasn't doing nothing wrong, I was just walking by him, and I guess he was a plumber onboard, and well, you know how it is when you see a big wrench. That's why it's good to have letters. Keeps the Koop out of trouble.

I used to get these HOT letters from this one gal named Louise Parker. Boy was she flexible. She was from New Orleans. I'd swing by to see her every now and then until she started saying that her daughter was mine. Buncha' horseshit. Kid didn't look nothing like me. And besides, the year that kid was born, I only went to see her once, and I brought this buddy of mine from the tatto parlor with me, and well, nevermind Jeremy. The point is, that kid aint mine. For Christsakes Jeremy, there's a roll of 8mm film floating around out there that can prove it.

Hey man, it was really great hearing from you, and keep those letters coming buddy. Like I say they keep the Koop out of trouble. And, oh yeah, the C. in my name stands for Cool.

Your Pal,
Cool Everett Koop

Friday, June 29, 2007

I don’t want to use that treadmill no more.

By Angelo

My doctor told me my cholesterol was getting too high. He said that eating 6 hotdogs a day and a half gallon of ice cream was a sure way to get a heart attack. So, he suggested I exercise. I used to exercise in high school and ran away quite a bit in Vietnam, but that was a long time ago. So, I went to the local sporting goods store and the sales guy told me to buy the Treadyboy 8000. I wanted to only spend $500, but he promised me the TreadyBoy was the best thing out there. I asked him if it was safe and he said it had plenty of safety features. So, I wrote a check for $13,478 plus tax and the next day it was in my condo. I had them put it in the spare bedroom, since it’s never used. No one comes down here to visit me anymore anyway.

I read the Quick Summary and put on my Holy Cross shorts, my favorite V-neck T-shirt and my white Nike sneakers. After a cigarette, I started the machine. When I turned it on, it said “Hello, Angelo.” It then said, “What course would you like to do today?”. I started to get nervous, but I went ahead and pushed number 1, which is manual. The Machine then said, “You currently weigh 253 pounds.” The tread began moving and I jumped off it and rammed my knee into the wallboard. I was nervous that it knew so much about me. How did it know? It continued to run for about a minute and then said, “Angelo, would you like to continue?”. I immediately unplugged it and crawled out of the room. Just to be safe, I closed the door and put some old boxes and an ironing board in front of the door. Just in case it tries to get out and come after me. I also shut off the circuit breaker for that part of the house, just in case it had some backup power and was listening. I can’t use the bathroom light now because it’s on the same circuit, but that’s ok. Better than having the treadmill spying on me..

It’s been about 3 weeks since I turned it off. I sent a letter to the sporting goods store saying I didn’t want it and that I’d pay for the whole thing if they would just come and get it. They wrote back that they tried to call me, but since I don’t answer my phone, it’s been hard to coordinate. Maybe they’ll come and just take it away. Until then, I’m not going into that room.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

The Pope is Dope

By G. Brown

Yo. I nevah got into the church thang my mama tried to get me into when I was a pip. We’se go and shit but I nevah paid any attention. Just singin and shit. But, yo, this new Pope is Dope. Walking around like some godly pimp in a white suit. That bitch ass was blessing some fly Ferrari’s last month. You see that shit? Muthafucka’s got style, yo. Blessing pimpin cars, man. Probably got some bitches riding with him around Tuscany, drinking wine, listening to hip-hop... There ain’t no way that dude ain’t getting some. He’s whack! Doing hot Italian ladies in St. Peter’s square. I can hear him now, “Yo bitch, you wanna come back to my country. That’s right girl, Let’s go to the Vatican-‘n-Get-Bad-Again!”

So, I’se starting going to church again. I wanna get into god and shit because it seems the way to be a player. I mean this dude is treated like a king but gets to act like a gangsta. Even his name is fly. Benedictine. Sounds like royalty, don’t it? Been-a-dick-teen thousand times in yo’ mouth bitch!!! That’s what he’s talking about!!And you see whassaup just the otha day? Some dude jumps on the Popemobile. Let’s hold it up for a sec, here. This dude has got the Popemobile. Not some candy ass name like Air Force One or the motorcade or shit like that. No, this dude is like Batman. He ain’t got the Batmobile, but he’s got the PopeMobile. So anyway, this dude dives onto the Pope’s car and he doesn’t even flinch, man. His posse takes the guy down and Benedictine keeps waving at the hotties in the crowd. No bulletproof glass or nothing. This dude’s more bad ass than 50 cent.

I bet he’s gonna get capped a few times. He’s asking for it. And whoever does, ain’t gonna get forgiven like that last pope did to that dude. No, Benedictine is gonna get up and pummel yo ass, and send you to hell with some Catholic spell shit..And if he doesn’t pummel yo ass, then I will. This boy is my boy. And he’s God’s boy, so I’s got to talk to God because he must be an even bigger bad ass.

But right now, I don’t see a more pimpin’ bad ass mofo than that dude in the big white hat. That’s right killa, the Pope. And the pope is dope.