I Could Have Been Killed!!!

By Rose McDowell



You know that mall where people got shot out in Omaha? Well, I went to that mall back in 1993. So, it could have been me in there. I mean I didn't actually go into the mall, I just pulled in to turn around, but it still irks me that I could have been gunned down right then in there, had the kid that did it been born 15 years earlier and was outside the mall instead of inside, and it was April instead of December. It just makes you think how precious life is. I have been having a tough go at it lately.



Just last week, someone was killed in a car accident on Route 95. I mean, I travel on 95 twice a year for Thanksgiving. I drive about 30 miles on it to get to my grandmother's house and I drive 30 miles back. The exit the person got killed at was about an hour north of where I usually go. Can you believe that? How close I was to being a highway fatality?



And then this mall thing. I mean what's the world coming to? Iran has nuclear weapons, not now, but 4 years ago, maybe, but they could get them at some point. So could Trinidad and Tobago. It's scary this world. Well, I am turning over a new leaf. After this mall thing, I was so distraught at my brush with death that I took a leave of absence from work. I just told them 'personal reasons'. I didn't want everyone to worry if I was ok. Especially, my co-worker Tanya. She knows that I went near that mall a few years ago. She must be worried sick. Oh well, I have to focus on me and what my future is. With all these close calls who would blame me.



I remember zig-zagging when getting gas a few years back when that sniper was in the DC-area. Glad I did. I mean it was in the DC area and I live in Savannah, so I was only a few states away! They caught the sniper at a rest area. I go to rest areas sometimes on a long trip. Can you imagine had I been at that rest area when they were there? If they were awake in their car, they may have gunned me down. In cold blood. Me lying there lifeless.



And just last week there was that big earthquake in Illinois which stretched out Indiana, AND earthquakes in Westlake Texas all in one night. It's a good thing I stayed home that night. I was only 1500 miles from an earthquake and 1000 miles from a tornado. Hold on a minute, I'm just gonna go into the cellar, just in case they start up again. Why take the chances.



FYI, I'm in the cellar right now and I don't want to turn the lights on in case of electric fire near the hot water boiler. Who knows what could happen. So please bare with me. You may have to forgive my spelling. It's tough to type in the dark.



Anyways, I'm really shook up about the whole Virginia Tech thing from last year. God help us! I used to date a guy that went to Radford University, which is about 20 miles South of Tech. I was going to visit him about 20 years ago, but found out he was cheating on me. I was devastated until that Tech thing happened. I mean, was it fate that he cheated on me and I didn't drive to the school near the school that had a shooting 20 years later? Perhaps indeed.



I must have an angel watching over me with all these close calls. I am like a cat. I have 9 lives! It's just too much. I have an appointment with the doctor. I think I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I will let him know. Maybe he can put me on some medication. But what if I have a bad side effect? Oh god. The end could be near.

Deep Purple Sucks‏

By Rachel Dean,


It's not easy being a 16 year old girl trying to navigate your way through high school these days. Especially when you hate Deep Purple as much as I do.

Now I know what your thinking, 'it's 2008 and kids don't even listen to Deep Purple these days.'

Exactly!!

Nobody listens to Deep Purple and I fucking HATE DEEP PURPLE!! AARRGGHH!! Seriously it's like WTF!! Who can I even talk to about how overrated the 'Machinehead' album was? That creepy guidance counselor I made out with when I was the only kid who had inhouse last semester? Please. He doesn't know shit about Deep Purple. He doesn't even know who Jon Lord is.

Ever since Freshman year when I started getting into hating Deep Purple, it's like I started seeing the world through a new set of eyes.

Now when I hear all the other girls in homeroom talking about Britney Spears, and how much of a skank she is, i'm just like "ummmm hellooo...could you be any lamer"

And they're all "Ahhhh, whatever Rachel you bitch. Britney's such a skank that her kids had to be taken away 'cause she's such a whore"

And I'm like "Pssh!!Britney's not even half as much of a skank as Richie Blackmore."

Sometimes I think about running away to a big city like San Francisco where I could go to a party and somebody would play Smoke on the Water on the radio and I could yell "TURN THAT SHIT OFF!!"

That would never happen in this town. Kids around here don't even listen to Steppenwolf, nevermind the poormans Steppenwolf who turned into the poor mans Black Sabbath. (A.K.A. Deep Purple...Don't tell me that YOU didn't even catch the reference)

If only I was born in the late 70's. I could've been a Gen X kid. Those kids were bitter, synical, and they took shitty music serious. Real serious. I mean, most of them grew up with parents who had Bat Out of Hell from Meatloaf on Cassette. They were forced into long car rides with Uptown Girl from Billy Joel blaring from their parents Dodge Caravans. To say they were well schooled and intolerant of a shitty band is a major understatement.

Those kids would have understood what I mean when I say Deep Purple sucks. But nobody else gets it. And to not understand my hatred of Deep Purple is to not understand Rachel Dean.

The Redneck Afficianado Netflix Reviews vol. 2

Dear Netflix,

I realize that you are a strictly mail order service, but I was hoping that we could work out some sort of pick up method, as I am currently a wanted fugitive after watching the 1985 classic 'Spies Like Us.'

Spies Like Us stars Dan Akroyd and Chevy Chase in the tale of 2 CIA pencil pushers who become decoys in a foreign intelligence operation.From the time they are deployed to the deserts of Afghanistan to the climax in Siberia, pure hillarity ensues.

In case your tracing my rental records to see why Spies Like Us was never in my queue, well I can explain. I currently do not have a mailbox, and the local post office will not let me pick up my mail if I am not accompanied by my probation officer, so I had to send my wife "Mrs. Romantic Comedy lover from RI" to rent it from Hollyweird Video,after she had tried to tell me that 'the Good Shephard' was the greatest CIA movie ever made, and I wasn't about to have HER tell ME nothin'!!

As I began watching the film it occured to me that I had really only seen the film once, during my famous "lost weekend" of '85,which technically was just a 72 hr blackout which began around happy hour in downtown Richmond, and continued until I came to in a St. Louis cineplex with no pants in sight and the name Roxanne tattoed on my ass. But that's not important to this review right now. What is important is that I did not recall all the obscene language, sexual innuendo's, and scenes with girls in there underwear. I found this completely unacceptable for a PG movie, and by my 11th Lynchburg Lemonade I demanded action. After writing several unreturned emails to the swift boat veterans for truth within an hour demanding a boycott of every film directed by Jon Landis except the Blues Brothers 2000, I decided I was gonna go on down there to the that Hollyweird video and show them who's boss.

I demanded my wife give me the keys to the Rangerover, but as usual she locked herself in the kids bedroom and called the police after I lit the door on fire Jim Morrison style. What a typical Northerner I thought as I ran through the river in the woods behind my house.

As I ran a half mile in the waste deep water, not only was I confident that if the police were tracking me with German Shephards the river would lose my scent, unlike the incident that led me to the Blue Ridge mountains after watching "A leage of their own", but I was also confident that I could make it to Hollyweird video on foot before closing.

Was I ever wrong...

I made it to the Robius plaza sometime after 4:AM, to find the store had closed, and the parking lot empty. I decided the most reasonable thing to do was climb onto the roof and bust through a heating duct so I could ambush the unsuspecting manager as he opened up in the morning.

I spotted a dumpster conveniently placed next to a telephone poll, and the wires ran a measly 30 yards right to the roof. I climbed the dumpster which brought me to the first rung on the poll,and I was soon at the top. Unfortunately my attempt to pull a tightrope act across the wires was probably a poor decision. I fell into the dumpster, and dislodged both my collarbones. At this time, I decided to take a break. I fell asleep, using half a head of a discarded cabbage for a pillow.

I awoke with a hell of a hangover in the back of a garbage truck that was making a pickup at the end of a culdesac. "Holy Shit theres a body in here" I heard the garbageman yell to his driver who replied that he was calling the police. This would not go over well with my probation officer I thought.

Luckily there was a Crown Royal bottle lodged into my back that I used to knock him unconscience (and the liberal yankees say it's good to recycle- please). After some good scrapping I was able to knock out the driver and throw them both in the back of the truck and take the wheel. "I'm taking this baby to Alaska" I thought, and I was on my way. It was until I began cruising the FM dial in hopes of hearing Paul McCartneys title track "Spies Like Us" that I lost control of the wheel, and drove the highjacked garbage truck straight across a suburban side road, onto a lawn and into the side of a house. (ironically enough,it was MY house)

So back in the river I went....

Despite my forementioned issues with this films language, and the resulting situation leading me to be back on the lamb and seperated from my wife and family again, I'm gonna have to go ahead and give this movie a solid 5 stars. I tell ya, I've been thinking about Chevy and Dan every night since I rented Spies Like Us, and I think I may have laughed the Roxanne right off my ass.

And lastly, I just want to throw an idea at you. I'm on the lamb, can't get my mail, and lets just say I aint exactly welcome at Blockbuster or Hollyweird video these days for reason's I'd prefer not to discuss. If you could get an intern to drop off my rentals with a guy named McClain, serves bar down at Double T's, well let's just say I'd be willin' to up my rentals to the 2 ata time plan for the troubles if you catch my drift.

Let me know.