I'm Proud of My Name Damnit!! by Pablo Bukake

Cruel memories. I gotta head full of 'em. My name is Pablo Bukake; I'm the guy who was singled out by my peers, starting from the first roll call in junior high.

"Oh man, Fuckin kids name's Bukake. It's too Classic"....That was the teacher.

Throughout the years, the bullying, the taunting, the "jokes" (if you would care to calll them that), they clung to me relentlessly. And sure, sometimes I would blow my top, but for the most part I kept my cool. I was too good to let it get to me. And when it was all bottling up inside me, my father would always humble me out.

"Quit acting like a jerk-off and start acting like a Bukake." He would always say.

He was a stern man, and he had a point. Life's tough. A lot of people in this world got problems. So what if my name would be a magnet for jokes. Jokes I could handle. But a broken heart?

"Look Pablo, you're a great guy, and we've had a good run, but you have to understand...I can't be Mrs Bukake. I'm sorry Pablo, I just can't. I have to go."
"WAIT LINDA WAIT!"...but it was too late.

The love of my life was gone because I'm a Bukake. There was nothing I could do about it...I'll always be a Bukake.

So, after a lot of soul searching it was time for me to take action. I needed to empower myself. No longer would I lower my head to my own name. From now on, when someone yelled out Buakake, I would hold my face high and smile. I decided to research my ancestry and get to the roots of my lineage, and after paying $7,000.00 to the offices of David Greene, former detective, and now a renound genioligist, I knew I would get the answers I was seeking.

Greene was a real bulldog, and was famous for tracing African Americans back to the familie's who enslaved their ancestors. He was known for coming up with hard evidence to be used in court, so his clients could sue for repirations, and I was thrilled that he took my case.

Gleeful aspirations rolled through my head as I drove to his office for the results. I imagined the possibilities of my forefathers past, and began envisioning brave explorers conquering Europe and all of Asia. I pictured stunning ladies men charming gorgeous women throughout the mediterranian. War heroes, astronauts, pulitzer prize winners, oh the endless possibilities. Even the name Bukake, where did it come from, what does it mean?

"It's Japanese." Greene told me in a somber tone as he poured himself a Gin and tonic." Japanese for...at the center of a circle jerk"
"You're Kidding."
"I'm afraid not, Pablo."
"So then I'm Japanese?"
"No, you're British and Portugese. Let me explain."Greene walked to a chart of my family tree.
"You're the son of Robert Bukake and Olga Columbo of Asbury Park, NJ. Now if you trace your mother's heritage, first you see that the Columbo's first came to this country straight from Lisbon in 1954 and resided in Asbury park for the last several decades. Your grandmother's maiden name is Olivera, and she married your grandfather Joesph."
"Joseph?"
"Yes, Joseph....are you telling me you didn't know you're grandfather's name? You grew up in his house. Nevermind, it's not important. Let's get to your fathers side of the family." he pulled out a manilla envelope, put on his reading glasses and flipped through a pile of news clippings, photographs and official documents."I'm going to cut to the chase Bukake, your great grandfather, Allister Buchanan, was a royal asshole."
"Excuse me?"
"Sorry to put it so bluntly, but he really was an asshole."
"No no, the other part. Buchanan."
"Right. His name was Allister Buchanan. He was from London, trained at the Royal Shakespeare Theatre. He came to the United States on June 12th, 1906 with the dreams of becoming a successful actor. In fact, he pretty much thought he was the second coming of Shakespeare. He arrived at Ellis Island dressed in a purple leotard with enormous ruffles around the collar, here take a look at this photo. Now, according to Ellis Island records, when he arrived in New York he was already detained for instigating fights with fellow passengers, as well as the crew. He must have really pissed someone off at Ellis Island, because by June 13th, he was officially Allister Bukake. This new last name pretty much drove his acting career into the ground. His career in show business led him to Atlantic City, where he worked as a janitor in a vaudeville theatre for the next 40 years. In 1933 he was forced into a shotgun wedding with your great grandmother, Rita 'Honey-Pie' Hayes, former Atlantic City prostitute, and the rest is here in the file."
I wasn't ready to hear all that. I simply couldn't believe it.
"So then...I come from a long line of BADASSES... WOW!!!" I screamed as I jumped from my seat.
"Whatever works for you kid. Lets wrap this up. I gotta pick my stepdaughter up from pre-school."
Greene pulled a Xanax from his pocket and washed it down with the last of his gin and tonic. Man was I glad I hired this guy.

I walked to the parking lot and now had a whole new outlook on life. The name Bukake wasn't a curse, it was a scar...and chicks dig scars.

"My name is Pablo Bukake, and I'm Okay." I declared, throwing my right fist into the air, as I was walked off into the sunset.

The Ultimate Gentleman's Club:The John CandyBar

TV station WWOO in Camden, NJ Reporting with…A New Kind of Gentleman's Club

Hi, this is Danny Wang reporting from Drudge St in Camden, NJ. Sure, the average guy likes to go see exotic entertainment once in a while. And there are plenty of Gentleman's clubs in the area. But this one is a little different…

I am outside the John Candybar. Yes, ladies and gentleman, you heard that right, the John Candybar. This exotic club has the common going-ons of your average strip club,-beautiful ladies, lap dances, overpriced drinks, and so on. But with a little Hollywood twist.

Owner Frankie Taglione is the owner of the Pure Pleasure club in East Brunswick, NJ and a huge John Candy fan. His dream was to open a strip club where John Candy's career could be celebrated and men could enjoy ladies all at the same time. I asked Frank how this idea came about…

"So ya know, I'm a huge John Candy fan and shit, and he makes me laugh. Laugh out loud actuhlly. So, I'se got dis idea to replace those overplayed Van Halen and AC/DC songs with clips from John Candy movies while the girls are out dere dancing. Instead of having, uh, ya know, "Hot fuh teachah" playin", we'se got that scene from Great Outdoors where he's trying to kill the bat wit Dan Akroyd. I love dat bit!!!"

I asked exotic dancer Ginger Lynn how she feels about it.

"It's a little weihd, ya know. It throws off my timing, epeciuhlly when I'm sliding down the pole and I hears sumtin' about Harry Crumb playing in the background. It just makes for a strange mood. Frankie treats us good though, with benefits and stuff, so I reallies got no complaints."

How do the customers feel? I asked Bill Pickford.

"Well, don't get me wrong. I love John Candy. But if I pay $30 for a lap dance and during it I hear that awkward scene between John Candy and Steve Martin arguing in the hotel room from Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, it's a little tough to get aroused. Especially, with those corny John Hughes songs playing in the background.."

How does Jimmy Durand feel?

"I fuckin' love it!!!! I get all jacked up in the bathroom and come out and there's hot chicks everywhere, 1941 playing on a plasma in one corner, Uncle Buck quotes playing on the PA system while the girls do their thing.. Girls and John Candy all over the place!!! It's like another world. This place is money!!! It's what I imagine John is in heaven doing right now."

Well, it must be working. The $20 cover and $7 drinks don't stop them. There's a line out the door every weekend night and the VIP rooms are booked for the next 6 months.

And then there is the main event. The JohnCandybar Annual Mudwrestle. Inspired from the legendary scene from Stripes, this event draws spectators from all over the East Coast and Mr. Taglione loves every minute of it. “Oh, it’s by far the best of the year. I bring in my buddy Sammy, who looks just like John. And we fill a ring with mud. Sammy goes at it with the girls just like in the movie. Sammy gets beat up pretty bad, but he’s used to it working for my uncle Vito. I tend to use some of my daytime girls because they get pretty roughed up too ‘cuz Sammy don’t go down easy..But the girls that do get in that ring, boy they make a killing. The cash just rains in from the crowd. A little rinse with the hose out back and that cash is good to go…”

Frankie says the money’s good, but that’s not the point.. "I do ok. But the truth is I loved John. And this is kinda my shrine to him. The way he lived life and the way everyman should."

I'm Danny Wang reporting from the John Candybar. Back to you Melissa.

Crass Cuisine: Hot Platin' with Jamie Anne

"Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of Crass Cuisine: Hot Platin' with Jamie Anne, I'm Jamie Anne and today we're gonna be cooking some tequila lime chicken with a side of rice and beans."

Camera pans back to reveal the show takes place in a tiny 3rd floor studio apartment with a hot plate propped up on an ironing board.

"Now I know what your thinking, 'I thought this crazy bitch was gonna make chicken cacciatore today',well we can't fuckin do that without no crockpot. And thanks to that prick Benny down at the Miller Time Pub, not only do I got another warrant, but I'm down a fuckin crockpot."

Jamie Anne throws 2 chicken breasts on the hot plate, lights a cigarette, and begins pouring Aristrocrat Tequilla on the hot plate, while blocking cigarette smoke from her left eye by closing it.

"That's the stuff."

She stops the flow of tequilla on the hot plate by pulling the bottle up to her lips and taking a pull. She gets a liter of Aristrocrat Vodka from the cabinet and grabs 2 oranges and a knife.

"I just thought of an idea for a better side, fuck the rice and beans, takes too long and we only got a half hour you know what I'm saying." she says as she cuts the oranges in half. "what we're gonna do here is make a pulpy screwdriver. These go over fuckin primo at dinner parties, or just a backyard get together, or fuckin A', I used to just make these as an after school snack when I was a kid. Real easy, cut your oranges in half, and then you take your knife there, and and cut one,two, three, good slices into these babies. You just pour some vodka into the slots and let 'em soak in there for a minute or so, and just cut 'em in half again.Now, I flip my chicken and I'm gonna add my seasoning, cause remember my rule to live by when cooking internationally, the chinks get the soya and the spicks get the goya.Now, ...oh shit... I forgot to pick up some peppers at the market."

Jamie Anne walks over and opens the window and leans out of it.

"Hey Ronnie...Ronnie...you gotta give me a lift to the market, I'm taping my show and I need a fucking pepper" long pause " Ronnie" long pause "Alright I'll be right down".

She picks up one of the orange quarters and sucks the pulp dry. She puts the the other quarters into her purse and looks to the camera man for assistance.

"hey go into the pockets of those jeans on the futon and see if I got any cash in there...I don't...can you spot me a fin for a pepper...right on, c'mon we gotta go out this way" she says as she climbs onto the fire escape.

"If you ever lose your keys, and you need to duck your landlord 'til you get caught up on the rent, a fire escape is a girls best friend. Hand me the fuckin camera before you fall down and drop it Einstein"

Jamie Anne grabs the camera and makes her way down the fire escape, the whole time the camera is pointed at the ground showing her bare feet walking down the stairs and the ladder at the end, and finally the camera is placed on ground as she runs over to Ronnie. She gives him a kiss and walks over to his Fiero and holds the passenger door for the camera man who climbs into the backseat.

"Boy do you know when to catch me" Ronnie says as he raises his arm and holds it still. He has a small line of cocaine on his fist. Jamie Anne leans over and snorts it.

"Hot Damn, this is turning out to be a good show" Jamie Anne says " Pulpy Screwdriver?" she hands one of the orange quarters to Ronnie and they both suck the juices out of their orange."I got my probation officer all pissed off because I skipped my last meeting, fuck that, you know what I mean, I got a new warrant. I aint fuckin stupid. And my fuckin producer's all pissed at me about the FCC. It's like I keep tellin him, just tell 'em to fuck off, but he don't want to listen... Oh fuck a duck, pull into Miller Times I'm gonna get my fuckin crockpot back."

The car pulls in front of the building and Jamie Anne leaps out leaving the passenger side door open. The camera man struggles to get out of the backseat of the fiero while holding the camera. Once he does he takes a shot of the outside of the Miller Time Pub, a tiny dive bar with a Miller High life neon in the window. As he approaches the door the sound of Jamie Anne's shouting at Benny the bartender is drowning out the George Thorogood on the juke box.

"Bullshit Benny, Bullshit. You never called last call and there I was pumping quarters into the juke box, I put half the Steve Miller Band's greatest hits on and you shut the fuckin thing down on me, treat me like I'm some fuckin asshole when I brought my meatballs in the crockpot for you, and then you call the fuckin cops?!?! That's fucked up Benny."

"I know Jamie doll, come on sit down, have a drink on the house. I'm sorry, you know I love you."

"Alright Benny, it is fucked up though man. I got a fuckin warrant on me now, you fucked up things with me and my probey."

"I'm sorry hon. what are you drinking"

"Give me 2 shots of Wild Turkey, and oh how rude of me, one for my camera man here as well, no.. you don't want one,I'll take his." She downs all three shots. "Hey Benny give me a can of Fosters for the road I'm in the middle of a show."

Benny gives her a can of Fosters"Hey Jamie what about your crockpot."

Jamie walks out carrying the large can of Fosters and forgets the crockpot inside. She comes out to see that Ronnie's Fiero is gone."Fuck a duck. Looks like we're hitchin' it from here"

Jamie and the camera man start hitch hiking and within minutes a subaru outback full of teenage boys pulls up and they squeeze in to the car. The camera man is forced to sit in the hatchback.

"Hey lady I'll make a deal with you, you buy us some beer and I'll give you a ride to wherever you need" the driver says.

"Give me a ride and a pack of butts and I'll buy you guys beer"

"How about I'll give you a ride and I'll smoke this joint with you?"

"How about you give me the ride, smoke the joint, and buy me the butts or you aint gettin no fuckin beer. now pull up to that vegetable stand"

The car pulls over, Jamie Anne leaps out and grabs a pepper and starts arguing with the lady holding cash box, when suddenly Ronnie's Fiero pulls back up. Jamie jumps in without paying for the pepper, leaving the camera man in the hatch back with the teenage kids, when suddenly the camera man feels his cell phone vibrate. He answers to find Jamie Anne calling from Ronnie's cell phone, and she asks him to hold his cell phone up to the camera.

"Thats all we have for today, join me next time on Crass Cuisine, hot platin with Jamie Anne, when I'll be making chicken cacciatore."