The Blizzard

I sat there in the dark living room, a little too close to the TV; an empty bottle of sleeping pills rest in my hand. I was watching the news footage that I swore to my therapist I would get rid of. The footage that inevitably ruined my life.

"We're gonna check back in with the Channel 5 Weather Center on what is now being called the biggest blizzard to hit New England since the blizzard of '78. We now go live to Mike Barron who is standing by from Rte 95 near the downtown Providence exits with a traffic report. Mike are you there."

"Thanks Brian. Well as you can see there has been no change in the road conditions. In fact both 95 northbound and southbound are a virtual parking lot. Thousands and thousands of cars are stranded as far as the eye can see, immobilized for hours, and there seems to be no relief in site."

"Mike, is there any word on whether or not this has been declared a state of emergency."

"As of now Governor Carcieri has not issued a state of emergency, but reports are coming in from State police in both Rhode Island AND Massachussetts informing us of at least 40 miles of backed up traffic which has not moved in several hours. Emergency vehicles are unable to respond to their calls, and there have been reports of people abandoning their vehicles. We ask everyone at this time DO NOT ATTEMPT TO COME OUT INTO THIS TRAFFIC."

"Mike, I'm seeing behind you what appears to be a motorist abandoning his vehicle right now, can you zoom in and show the viewers at home?"

"Right Brian. I do see a motorist aproximately 30 yards ahead of me getting out of his vehicle right now, and as you can see he is standing very fidgety. I can only assume that he is bending his legs due to severe fatigue from sitting so long in what can only be described as - OH MY GOD HE'S CRAPPING IN THE STREET!! Get a closeup on this Tony!! Brian what we are seeing here is a motorist who has gotten out of his car and is now dropping a duece in the middle lane of 95 North in front of hundreds of onlookers!! He's dropped trow to his knee's and is firing off a missile just feet from a '95 pontiac grand prix. AND HEAR COME THE HORNS!! Brian these frustrated motorists are not amused. But the frustration of the hundreds of people witnessing this act is not stopping this man from giving Sir Duke his rightful throne in this frozen tundra of an interstate. The cars around him are now growing desperate to flee the scene, and OH MY GOD THERE GOES A REAL PILEUP. And the cars are smashing into each other too. We're gonna need a lot of tow-trucks and one big pooper-scooper out here Brian."

"Mike can you give us an estimate of how many car's have now piled up out there."

"No I can't Brian. All I can tell you is that things are growing more and more intense. The man is now removing his jacket, and what I earlier mistook for melting snow on his face, actually appears to be a cold sweat. He is now gripping his driver side mirror for leverage, and his legs are shaking like my black lab Jake's do when I walk him past my neighbors rose bushes. I don't know what this guy ate earlier but from the look of pain on his face I'm just gonna guesstimate that it was a spicy chicken sandwich from Wendy's...AND I THINK I MAY BE RIGHT!! Brian, in a bizzare turn of events, the motorist is now dragging his ass directly on the snow covered highway, the same way Jake does to my living room carpet.This must have been one mean heater. But it does appear that this crisis may be coming to an end, as the motorist is now back on his feet."

"Mike does it appear that the motorist is going to return to his car?"

"No.No it does not. Although he is reaching in his drivers side window...perhaps for his keys...No, it's for his coffee.Jeez,.. this guy just DOES NOT learn! The crowd is now screaming over the blaring horns,... they are pleading with him not to drink any more coffee Brian,AND THE SNOWBALLS ARE NOW FLYING!! The man is fleeing on foot, and snowballs are pelting him in the face from every direction. This is getting ugly Brian. I'm gonna have to turn it back to you so I can cut him off at the offramp for an exclusive interview."

"Mike Barron reporting ladies and gentlemen. Keep it tuned right here to Rhode Islands own channel 5 for ongoing coverage of the guy who took a dump in the middle of traffic. We now return you to an episode of M.A.S.H....already in progress."

"Klinger I thought I told you to take off that dress!"

"And I thought I told you that you gotta buy me dinner first."

Fade to Black...

Penpal Letters From C. Everett Koop

In 1986 I was a 4th grader attending John F. Kennedy Elementary School in Blackstone MA. Our teacher had assigned us the task of writing a letter to any member of the U.S. government. Most kids wrote to President Reagan, but I wrote my letter to Surgeon General C. Everett Koop. In response to my only letter I received a letter from the Surgeon General at least twice a month for the next 21 years. I have decided to publish the one sided correspondence in a segment I call:

PENPAL LETTERS FROM C. EVERETT KOOP

February 14th, 1987

Dear Jeremy,

Let me give ya some words to live by buddy; Valentines Day is a load of horseshit. Fuckin' female Christmas is what they should call it. Some people call it a Hallmark holiday, but I call those people a bunch of fuckin' queers. Call it like it is, Female Christmas!!

Take my old lady for example. Every year I gotta stand in line like some fuckin' idiot to shell out 60 clams to get some fruit to give me 12 flowers.Highway friggin robbery at it's finest.

This morning I get up and I tell myself 'C'mon Koop let's get this shit over with'. So I'm hung over like a motherfucker, it's about 9 o'clock or so, and I'm standing in line behind a bunch of amateurs who can't get their shit together. Let me tell you I just about blew my top. 'Cmon fella order your damn flowers I gotta be at the track by 10' I says to this one punk. Don't you know that son of a bitch had the balls to tell me to cool it. Said he needed get everything perfect.So I said 'well what the hell's there to get?! You want her to kiss you on the cheek you give her some carnations, you want her to make you're toes curl you buy some roses. Now get the hell outta my goddamn way.'

I tell ya Jeremy, any other day I woulda dropped him with a swift punch to the gut and left him lying in a mixture of his own vomit and tears... but not today. The Koop doesn't get violent on Valentine's day,it's just not the Valentine's way. I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic after all.

You know it actually turned out to be a good day after all. Mrs. Koop is happy with the days turn out, so I guess if she's happy, I'm happy. We're here now at our favorite restaurant, Angelo's. The Mrs. is enjoying her dessert at the table and I'm sitting here at the bar polishing off a Rolling Rock.

Hey I wrote you a Valentine's poem, check it out...

J is for the joy that he brings me
E is for the envelopes I use for his letters
R is for the Rude Dog t-shirt I sent him for Christmas
E is for eighteen; the legal drinking age in Canada (9 more years buddy- we're fucking going)
M is for MTV... I want my MTV (ya see buddy, the Koops "with it")
Y is for your my best pal in the whole world, Jeremy. Don't go changing.

Happy Valentines Day Buddy,

Your Pal,

Cool Everett Koop

1 Year Anniversary

Today is the 1 year anniversary of 3 Orange Whipples. For one year, we have written stories that ultimately lead to nowhere and waste your time, your company's time, and internet bandwith. If we get a chuckle every so often, we have served our purpose. And for all this we are indebted to who else, but guitar god, Jeff Beck. Here is the letter which he may or may have not written that inspired us to do what we do: