Penpal Letters from C. Everett Koop
In 1986 I was a 4th grader attending John F. Kennedy Elementary School in Blackstone MA. Our teacher had assigned us the task of writing a letter to any member of the U.S. government. Most kids wrote to President Reagan, but I wrote my letter to Surgeon General C. Everett Koop. In response to my only letter I received a letter from the Surgeon General at least twice a month for the next 21 years. I have decided to publish the one sided correspondence in a segment I call:
PENPAL LETTERS FROM C. EVERETT KOOP
January 1st 1988
Dear Jeremy,
Well let's get the formallities out of the way and let me say Happy Fuckin New Year Man. Now with that being said, I think it's time to discuss a situation that's really been pissing me off. It is now 19 hundred and 80 fuckin' 8. We have been penpals since 19 hundred and 86. Since then I have mailed you over 250 letters and you have mailed me JACK SHIT. Now do I gotta keep wasting my time here or what? I mean I'm the one trying to feed a young mind some wisdom, teaching you how to throw a cheapshot into a motherfuckers throat and telling you the best city's to find Korean poontang. But hey, if you don't want to hear this old fool from the Sea tell you how to score, then what the hell did you write me for anyway?
Ahh fuck it, Jeremy. I can't stay mad at you. You'll write when you want. You're probably a busy little motherfucker anyways. What are you like 10 now? Man when I your age I was shaking down paperboys in the neighborhood for payoffs. It's a good racket for a young entrepreneur. That and selling cigarettes. It's a little tough to get 'em off the truck these days (believe me I just unloaded about 3 grand worth last week). But for a young kid you can probably do pretty good if you get a few of your buddies together and tip a cigarette machine on it's side. You'd be surprised how easy they break open. It's not just a money maker, but it's almost like a science experiment-you know, taking apart a big machine like that. Just don't let too many of your buddies in on it, they eat in to your profits. And by all means Jeremy, don't cut into your own supply. Especially with Cigarettes!! You know how the Koop feels about those fucking things!! I catch you smoking cigarettes I'll break your fuckin knee cap with a zippo,just like my old man did to me. Yes sir, old man Koop (the Admiral as I had to call him) didn't take no candy ass approach to parenting. There was no smoking a box of cigars to teach this kid a lesson. The Admiral says to me, you think you're a man now, smokin' fags huh(His old man was British and he never shook the British terminology). So then he sits me down and bashes my fuckin knee caps with his zippo til they were shattered in 6 places. They still crack when I do arobics.
So anyways bud, I gotta run. I'm meeting McCallister behind his deli in an hour, we're gonna CRANK some Roy Orbison and pound Rolling Rocks until the old Korean who runs the Laundomat next door to the deli comes out and tries to fight us (that motherfuckers crazy). It's a New Years tradition of me and McCallister.
Happy New Year Buddy. Here's to 1988.
Your Pal,
Cool Everett Koop
P.S. I was thinking me and you could start lifting weights as a new years resolution. I can bench 250. What are you benching?
