Judge Judge Reinhold

The clock strikes 9:00 p.m. on Friday night. David is taking it easy and not hitting the town tonight. He turns on Fox and is in awe at what he sees….

“Judge Wapner was the pioneer. Judge Judy brought the brass. Judge Joe Brown laid down the line. Judge Mathis, just a plain badass. But now, with the prison systems filled and the country divided, it’s time for a new kind of judge. A man of compassion. A man of understanding. With a dose of fun. America’s judge. Judge Judge Reinhold.

Judge Judge Reinhold starts NOW….”

(The opening notes to AC/DC’s “For Those About to Rock” ring through the courtroom…”)

“Please stand. The one, the only, The Honorablllllle Judge Judge Reinhold presiding!!!!.” yells the baliff through a microphone.

The backdoors of the courtroom burst open with a fog-machine induced cloud. Judge Reinhold emerges in a gown with a heavy dose of sheen to it. Grinning ear to ear, he runs in place and begins to highstep and shadowbox. His highsteps reveal the fact that he is wearing shorts under his robe, along with striped tube socks and a pair of Chuck Taylor converse All-Stars. As Brian Johnson’s voice emerges during the intro song, Judge Reinhold jogs down the aisle lip-synching into his gavel. The crowd is going ballistic.

He continues down the aisle and high-fives a bunch of people and gets patted on the back. Halfway down, He stops and rubs up the head of a little boy and autographs his gavel, where the handle is in the shape of a ‘J’. He hands it to the boy and kisses the boy’s mom on the cheek.

As soon as he gets close to the Judge’s bench, the words “FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK” come over the loudspeaker, with the song’s pause, Judge Judge Reinhold stops in his tracks, slowly whips out another J-gavel and raises it in the air in a He-Man like pose and the crowd instantly yells, “FIRE!” in perfect unison with AC/DC’s lead vocalist.

He turns around for the camera and points at his back. His robe reveals two large J’s in gold for “Judge Judge” on the back. The crowd cheers even louder and yells “Double J! Double J!”. He turns around, waves at the camera, and trots up to the bench.

Out of breath, Judge Judge Reinhold announces, “Please everyone, go ahead and sit down and relax. Whew. What do we have here today folks? Ramiro Rodriguez vs. Paul Dickens. What’s up guys? What seems to be the problem Mr. Rodriguez?”

The music stops and everyone sits down calmly.

“You see Judge Judge..”

“Ramiro please, you can call me Judge, ” Judge Judge Reinhold says in his trademark monotone voice.

“Uh, ok. You see Judge, this guy Paul is passing out these anti-immigration flyers in the subdivision and it’s hurting my business.”

“What is your business, Ramiro?”

“I own a small contracting company. We do tile, siding, painting, renovations, you name it.”

“Well, isn’t that wonderful!” Judge Judge Reinhold exclaims. “How long have you been doing this?”

“About 13 years, but I’ve had my own business for 5.”

“Well, how about that everyone!” Judge Judge Reinhold stands up and annunciates extra loudly so the whole courtroom can hear him. He takes his right hand and places it over his heart. “The American dream. A guy learns a trade and accomplishes his goal by opening up his own business. You know how hard it is to start a business in this country and succeeed? Very, very difficult. I applaud you, Mr. Rodriguez.” Judge Judge Reinhold starts clapping and the rest of the courtroom follows.

Ramiro, turns around and looks at everyone half confused, half smiling. He slowly turns back to Judge Judge Reinhold “Well, thank you Judge. Well, it’s becoming more challenging because these flyers have a derogatory connotation and even though I am an American citizen, it’s causing a negative impact on my business. You see, the neighborhood is where I do most of my work and people associate the name of my business, Rodriguez Renovations, with Hispanics. So, the people see this flyer that Mr. Dickens is passing out and it’s just hurting my business. The phone has stopped ringing.”

Judge Judge Reinhold steps down from the bench and walks up to Ramiro. He puts his hand on his shoulder and lowers his head and says, “Are you a hard worker Mr. Rodriguez? Do you try and provide for your family?”

Ramiro starts to get tearful. “Yes, yes I do. I work hard.” He begins to cry. Judge Judge Reinhold gives him a big hug and says, “That’s something to be very proud of. It’ll be alright.” And pats him on the back. “Go ahead and sit down Ramiro.”

“Ok, Judge. Thank you”. Ramiro wipes his tears. His wife walks up to console him.

Judge Judge Reinhold walks back up to the bench. “Well, folks you know what we say here on Judge Judge Reinhold.”

The crowd stands up and says at the same time “There’s TWO sides to every story!!!”

“That’s right!” yells Judge Judge Reinhold as he passionately pumps his fist holding another version of his custom J-gavel in the air.

“But before we get to Mr. Dickens, how about some dinner. On me!”

The crowd cheers and the camera shows Mr. Dickens and Mr. Rodriguez bewildered as caterers burst into the courtroom with prime rib, refreshments, and a spread of other foods.

Judge Judge Reinhold steps down to coordinate the buffet line. “Now, there’s paper plates and utensils in the back. Go ahead and help yourselves. Don’t be shy. If you want a cocktail, there’s a bartender in the lobby, just no drinks in the courtoom.. Alright folks, let’s take a commercial break. When we come back, we’ll hear from Paul!”


The show returns with Judge Judge Reinhold wiping a little sauce from his face, ball up a towellete, and stand up to take a 3-point shot into the wastebasket. He nails it and the crowd cheers. Judge Judge Reinhold raises his hand, smiles, and sits back down.

“Ok. Mr. Dickens. What’s your story? Why are you trying to hurt Mr. Rodriguez’s business or was that not your intention? You were just trying to stand up for what you believe in?”

“That’s right Judge Judge..I believe firmly that immigration is hurting this country and I wanted to spread the word so others will know what a problem it is in this country.”

“Well, I can’t argue with a man who has the right to free speech, now can I?” Judge Judge Reinhold turns around and looks at the camera. “It’s a basic right that our forefathers envisioned long, long ago. We have the right to express ourselves. That’s our freedom. That’s our right.”

“Well, the way I see it,” continues Judge Judge Reinhold, “is that you can continue to express your opinions.” Judge Judge Reinhold places his head on one hand, purses his lips, taps his feet, glances over at Paul, and says, “But perhaps, you can maybe try to do it outside of Mr. Rodriguez’s business territory?”

Paul looks at Judge Judge Reinhold and feels the guilt begin to build up inside him and blurts out, “I suppose so. I didn’t mean to hurt anybody. I just wanted to tell the world my beliefs.” Tears start to stream down Paul’s face. He looks over at Ramiro and says, “I’m sorry.” Ramiro walks over and hugs Paul.

The crowd begins clapping. Judge Judge Reinhold walks down and group hugs the two of them, then turns quickly back at the camera. “There you have it folks. Two sides, one solution, and no hard feelings. When we come back we’ll close this chapter of just another simple misunderstanding.”

After the commercial break, the show returns with everyone lined up in the front of the courtroom with Judge Judge Reinhold, Ramiro Rodriguez, and Paul Dickens in the forefront laughing. Everyone is singing “Piano Man” and kicking their feet in the air. Judge Judge Reinhold steps forward. “Well, I hope you learned something today folks. That a simple dispute is just that, a simple dispute. Well, good night and we’ll catch you next time on…”.

The crowd chants, “JUDGE JUDGE REINHOLD!”

The credits start to roll and you can see Judge Judge Reinhold shaking hands with guests in the background and making jokes..

Dick Sawmut:Corporate Recruiter

"Hey, we need to fill this Director of Marketing ASAP." VP Reed said to VP Gregory "We need someone who can stay under the gun and market our pharmaceuticals with the utmost efficiency and under touch deadlines. Got any ideas?"

"Well, not offhand. Tami Connelly is one candidate, but you think she can handle the pressure? It'd be difficult for us to put her to the test since she's an internal candidate," Gregory responded.

"You ever hear of Dick Sawmut?" Reed contemplates.

"No. Who is he?" Gregory inquired.

"Well, a friend of mine told me about him. He's kind of an eccentric. But he interviews people intensely. Breaks them down, if you will."

"Interesting. You thinking of having him interview Tami."

"Yeah. The only thing is that he charges $12,000 an interview."

"What? That's insane!. No way."

"Look, the CEO wants someone now. We have it in our budget. And if Tami fits the bill, then we'll save a little on hiring internally and the costs of advertising the position via newspapers and online websites and so forth."

"Well, I am curious to see this guy in action. Let's do it."

"Dick, Mark Reed here at APG Pharmaceuticals. We have a candidate for a Director of Marketing that needs an intense pressure interview."

"$12,000 cash. Meet me at 22nd and Park with a sheet containing her height, weight, social security number, work number, email address, emergency contacts, position description, and potential salary at 4:00 p.m. tomorrow."

"Ummm.Ok. I'll be there."

At 4:01 p.m, Reed shows up at 22nd and Park and sees a man in a trenchcoat, sunglasses and wearing black leather gloves.

"You're late. You got the money?"

"Yes. Look, how do I know you're going to go through with this?"

"If I don't, then I'll tie cinderblocks around my ankles and jump into the Atlantic off the boat named "The Sheeba"."

"Oh. Ok. When will you be able to make a decision?"

Sawmut grabs VP Reed by the throat and starts choking him. "By the end of the week. Does that work for you smart guy?"

"Yes, eckk, yes, that's fine."

"I'll be in touch." Sawmut releases his grip, gets in his car and speeds away.

"Jesus. What a freak."

"Hi Tami, this is Dick Sawmut. I hear you are interested in the Director of Marketing position at APG. I'd like to talk with you more about this opportunity. Are you willing to meet for lunch at Wing Zings tomorrow at noon?"

"Well, yes Mr. Sawmut, that would be wonderful. See you then."

Tami walks in looking very professional in a $1,000 business suit. Dick waves her over gently to a table near the big screen TV.

"Tami, Dick Sawmut, please to meet you."

"Please to meet you, sir."

"If you don't mind, I'm a little hungry. So let's order first."

"Hi folks, whaddaya having today?" the waitress politely asks.

"I'll have the salad and Ms. Tami Rita Connelly will have 12 wings."

"What kind of sauce?"

"What's the hottest you got?" Sawmut quickly resplies.

"Blazing, but I don't really recommend th" the waitress chuckles.

"Shut it. Blazing it is." Sawmut insists.

Tami and the waitress exchange puzzling glances and the waitress walks away.

"So, Tami, tell me about your qualifications for this position."

"Well, I've worked for APG for 6 years which is a long time in the pharmaceutical world. I have maintained and gained some of the biggest accounts in the mid-atlantic and am ready to take the next step in this company."

"Interesting."

"Here you go, one salad and 12 Blazing wings, and some napkins and water, " the waitress delivers.

"Oh, we won't be needing any napkins OR water.” Sawmut says glaring at the waitress.

"Um, ok. Whatever you say. Just let me know if you need anything else."

"Now, Tami tell me how those wings are."

Tami bites into one. Immediately, her face turns bright red and she starts coughing.

"So, Tami tell me how you can improve this company's marketing strategy."

"Eckk.Caaa—"

"Oh ,did you need to go to the ladies room? Go right ahead." Sawmut says pitifully sarcastic.

Tami knocks a chair over and bolts to the ladies room. The whole restaurant is looking in their direction.

Sawmut sets his stopwatch to 23 seconds. Once he hears it beep, he methodically gets up from the table. He walks over to the ladies room and kicks the door open.

"Get outta here!!!" he yells to a woman putting on mascara.

Sawmut walks over to the third stall and hears Tami gagging. He pulls out a container of lighter fluid and sprays it all over the floor.

"Tami. I know you're in there. Well, in the corporate world, when it's hot, it's hot. How are you gonna handle the pressure when your CEO is breathing down your neck.? Huh?"

"Pressure time Tami!" What's it gonna be? Do or DIE?"

He lights a match and sets the bathroom stall door on fire and calmly walks out of the bathroom, removes the fire extinguisher from outside the door, and exits the restaurant.

Tami is choking and can't breathe between the wing sauce and the smoke. She manages to climb over the stall door into the stall next to her. She crawls under the adjacent stall door but can't get out the way she came in. It's completely ablaze.

She takes off her heels and climbs through a small window near the ceiling by jumping off the sink. The restaurant is on the second floor, so she jumps in a dumpster below.

"Oh my god!" she screams. She lifts her head out of the dumpster and Sawmut's standing there with a shit-eating grin.

"Hurry! Get in the car!" he yells as he grabs her and throws her in the passenger seat of his old Crown Victoria.

"Now Tami, you did good. That was a tough situation to get out of."

Tami is finally catching her breath. Sawmut pulls onto the off-ramp of the freeway.

"Mr. Sawmut, you're going the wrong way!!!"

He speeds it up to 75 mph the wrong way on the freeway heading into oncoming traffic.

"Now, when Wall Street is against you and the boss ain't around, the question is, 'What are YOU going to do?"

Sawmut puts the car in cruise control. The car heads over an overpass and Sawmut opens the door and jumps out of the car.

"Good Luck Tami!" he yells as he disappears.

"Holy Shit!" Tami jumps over to the drivers's seat, slows down, and pulls a U-turn the split second before she is T-boned by an SUV. She pulls off the side of the road and places the car in park to calm herself down.

"TAMI! TAMI!"

"What the fuck?" She looks in the backseat and there's a walkie-talkie.

With her hands trembling, she picks up the walkie-talkie. "Yeesss?"

"The car will explode in 10 seconds. What are YOU going to do?"

She throws the walkie talkie down, opens the door. She dodges oncoming traffic and heads toward the jersey barrier in the middle of the freeway. She dives over it scraping her arm and wedges herself between the high speed lane and the barrier on the other side.

Instantly, the car explodes and pieces of metal are flying all over the highway. A car crashes 4 feet from Tami and a chunk of flying glass implants itself in the back of her calf. She limps across the other side to safety, through the woods, and finally to a pay phone.

"Should I call the cops? I really need that job." She says to herself. She decides to take a cab home and goes into work the next day.

"Hey Tami, what the hell happened to you?" Reed asks. "Anyway, congratulations. Sawmut called and said the interview went well. You got the position.Welcome to executive management"

Reed looks at Gregory, "I guess Sawmut gets it done after all."

He sure does. He sure does.

Allright Fuzz: That cool cat Richard Branson almost said my '81 VW Rabbit is the best ride in the Universe

All right coppers you got me in here. That's right. But I won't tell you much cause I know how the fuzz operates. Well, it all started when I was coming back from Virginia Beach after surfing and hangin' for a week with my boys. I was driving on 64 in my money ride, my 1981 Volkswagon Rabbit. This puppy runs on biodiesel, man. I paid some dude to rig it from running on the old stink diesel it used to run on. So, I'm heading toward Jamestown and remember they're having the big 400th anniversary of the USA spectacle. It's a big deal, man. You should check it out. Well, then I got this vision. It was like divine invention, man. Mother Earth told me to kidnap someone famous at this big event and market my eco-friendly car to the world. She didn't like actually open up the sky and come down with big mountain tits and say in a deep dike voice, "GO KIDNAP SOMEONE AND TELL THE WORLD ABOUT YOUR RABBIT!" No, that would be just downright creepy and weird man. It was more of a combo of the windy trees, some mp3s of moe., and some spacy thoughts I was having from being sleep deprived all mixed into some kind of signal from outta space or inner Earth or both maybe.

So, I get to Jamestown and get a press pass from a friend of mine that's in this jamband (SkyRocket Rules!) whose sister works for a local newspaper and I get to this VIP party with all these hot shot beauracrats, stars, and philanthropists. So, anyway, I got in. I was surprised they let me in, because I had my Birkenstocks and Phish shirt on. They must have thought I was from some Freedom Ringin' magazine. I felt like Hunter S. Fucking Thompson, without the edge, ya know? So, I scope out the crowd and I see Richard Branson. I say, that's the English guy who owns Virgin Galactic, spaceships and shit. I know this because I googled the band Galactic before a show and the results returned Virgin Galactic. I went to his website and checked it out. Far out stuff. I said to myself, if anyone knows a good ride and can spread the word to the world, it's that dude. So, I introduce myself and get to talking to him about the Beatles and I slip a Roofie in his Champagne. When he starts to get drowsy, I told him where there was a place he could get some good fish and chips. He stumbled with me and I got him back to my Rabbit. I threw him in the back of my car and tied him up with a bunch of hemp necklaces I had from the Great Went festival years ago. Hemp's really strong you know. Bet you can't break it. Go ahead try…Well, it's probably worn out from Richard's wrists.

So, anyway he wakes up about 45 minutes later and he's like, "What's going on chap?" I said, "Listen, Rick, You're the voice of travel and own big ass companies. You gotta ride around with me and tell the world that my '81 Rabbit is the bomb, And that this car is the end all of global warming, man."

So, Ricky boy goes, "Well, I'm a proponent of preserving the environment and I am always willing to help a fellow. But to do anything I will need you to first untie me from these bloody knots."

That's when I got ballsy. I says, "Dude, You gotta promise not to try to run or nothing if I untie you."

He says, "Well, I'm an honest man and I can't promise you that."

So, I was like, "Thank you for being honest with me."

And he's like, "You're welcome."

And I says, "Would you like some Cheetos?"

And he goes, "No.",

And I'm like,"Why",

And he says, "Because.",

And I says, "Because why?",

And he's like,"Because I don't eat that American crap."

And I said, "Why not?"

And he says, "Because I don't like the taste. "

And I says, "Taste of what?"

And he's like, "Cheetos!"

And I was like, "But I'm the one holding them. Did you want some?"

He mumbled something , gave me a dirty look, and ignored me for what seemed like forever. It was really awkward man.

So, anyway, to make a long story short, we drive from Jamestown to Richmond. I know a fellow Phishhead that lives in Richmond , so I go to the cat's house at 11999 Plum St. and get some sweet bud. Me and this cat smoke up a bit and then I remember that Richard's in my car. I'm like, "Oh man!Richard's in my car." So, I goes into my car, and you know who's in it? Richard. So,I apologize for leaving him in there and I've got the munchies real bad at this point and scoot over to Ukrop’s. I ask him if he wants anything and he's says a cantaloupe. I was like that's cool, I can swing a ‘lope for my boy Richard.

So Ukrop’s has all that ready made shit, like marinated mushroom, greek salad, sushi, fresh fruit, organic cereal, sesame sticks, gardenburgers, all this vegan stuff, I mean it's a huge selection. Too huge. They got cantaloupes, melons, and honeydews, man. I couldn't tell the difference between them. I ended up asking some old lady about which ones were melons, and it just came out wrong and she hit me with her purse. Freakin' psycho! So anyway, I'm in there for like an hour and get like $100 worth the groceries. And when I'm in line, I'm like, "Oh man, Richard's still in my car!" I'm already cashing out at this point, so I gotta give the cashier the loot and everything. Well, the great thing about Ukrop’s is that they walk the groceries to your car because there were like 5 bags of stuff..

So, this bagger and I are walking to my car and talking about hot hippie chicks and shit and I get sidetracked and open the hatch to my Rabbit. And you know who's in there? Richard freaking Branson. He jumps outta the back and starts running and zigzagging around the parking lot with his hands tied. I said, "Hey Richard, come back here!! I got your cantaloupe." And he yells something like "it’s a grapefruit you stupid hippie!! " and jumps feet first into an empty shopping cart and cruises down Cary St. at like 20 mph. Unbelievable..Only Richard Branson can pull off escaping a kidnapping and look like he's having fun. You know I'm a fan of his now. I wish I spent more time with him. So, I guess he Houdinied out of those Hemp cuffs at some point and called you guys.

So, there you have it man. That sums up my brilliant, sinister plan and everyone will now know the smooth ride of my eco-friendly Rabbit. You can thank me later for reversing the vibe of global warming and saving Mother Earth. Hey, Ain't I supposed to get a lawyer or something man? I'm taking criminology at UVA, and I think I should have one by now.